Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  Copyright © 2018 Elizabeth Wills

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. References to real people, places, organizations, events, and products are intended to provide a sense of authenticity and are used fictitiously. All characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and not to be construed as real.

  Edited by: Karen Hrdlicka

  Cover Design: Wicked Women’s Design

  ”Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

  Contents

  Prologue

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-one

  Twenty-two

  Twenty-three

  Twenty-four

  Twenty-five

  Twenty-six

  Twenty-seven

  Twenty-eight

  Epilogue

  Extended Scene

  Acknowledgements

  Prologue

  My cheek is chaffing from being pressed against the rough weave of the carpet. The slightest push to my head and it may leave rug burn on my face, but I don’t want evidence of tonight. I want to wake up tomorrow and forget the feel of his knee pressed into my spine as he holds me to the floor. I want to wake up with no recollection of the burning in my muscles from him pulling my arms tight behind my back.

  The room is quiet except for his breath against my ear, or the occasional whimper from my lips. I hate the sound of them. I hate that they make me sound weak and that he has the ability to hurt me. He was once my savior, my escape from all the bad. Now I realize how wrong I have been.

  I thought I was doing better, not letting just any man into my life, but this man made it past all my defenses. I let him into parts of my life where no other man has been. He met my daughter. She fell in love with him.

  The warmth of his breath crosses my cheek. I can tell by the bitter smell, he’s been out with his friends drinking expensive bottles of bourbon and puffing on cigars that cost more than my monthly rent. My eyes burn as I fight back the tears begging to be let free. I won’t let them win.

  “You won’t make a fool of me, Ri.” His voice is a low, menacing tone.

  His knee digs deeper into my back, and he tugs tighter on my hair, before pulling my head back and away from the floor. “You are mine. Don’t you dare forget it.” His eyes are piercing as he focuses in on mine. Searching. Looking. Waiting.

  I try to calm my erratic breathing before speaking a word. I don’t want him to know he has the power to break me. I don’t want him to know I fear him in this moment. I don’t want him to know his assumptions are correct. I want him to believe the next words that leave my dry, cracked lips.

  “I would never leave you.” My voice is a whisper, but it remains even. “I need you, and so does Kiley. We love you.”

  He tugs on my arm, increasing the pain in my shoulder. It’s strained enough and I’m afraid he might dislocate it. “Why am I hearing these things about you then, Ri? My colleagues saw you with him. They saw the way he looks at you.” His hand leaves my hair, and my face lowers to the floor. My skirt hugs my thighs, but it tears easily as he forcefully pushes it up to my waist.

  My breath catches in my throat. “Wha…”

  “Has he touched you?” His hand reaches down and cups me between my thighs. “Here. Has he had a taste of what’s mine?”

  I struggle to turn and face him, but it’s useless against his strength. I shake my head frantically. “No, I swear. Please.”

  He grips me tightly and moves his hand forcefully against me. “I won’t give this up. It belongs to me. You belong to me.” He lowers his head again, painfully nipping my neck. His knee moves off of my back until he’s straddling me. His weight lifts and he rolls me until I’m on my back. “Do you understand?”

  My heart is pounding, and my breath passes my lips in rapid succession. I look into his blue eyes; ones I used to find myself getting lost in. Now they are full of pain and anger. His jaw is covered in a five-o’clock shadow, but the way it’s clenched is what really catches my attention. I’ve never seen him like this. His nostrils are flared, and his face is red. Pressure is building inside of him, and I know if I don’t answer soon, he’s going to snap. I can feel it. I just can’t find my words amongst my fear.

  “Do you understand?” he says, through gritted teeth.

  I need to agree, but I don’t want to. I’ve finally decided to fix things with him, but now I understand why a life with him was hard to accept. He’s just another Dave. He’s just another man out to control me.

  I thought he was the perfect catch. I search his eyes again, trying to find that spark. The one you feel when you share a deep connection with someone, but it’s not there. I shake my head slowly back and forth, as my lips part to speak, but I can’t form the words. Tears prick my eyes, and I can’t keep them at bay this time, and they roll out of the corner of my eyes.

  He grunts in anger at my silence, and before I know what’s happening, there’s pressure against my throat. It’s difficult to breathe. I take in the monster before me. Panic builds in my chest as he rips and pulls at my clothes, tearing them from my body. I dig at his hands and arms trying to break free, but it’s no use. My legs kick and flail. This is not the man I know. He would never risk everything in a fit of anger.

  “Please stop.” My words strain with lack of air. There’s a pressure building in my head as I struggle under him. I need more air.

  “Mommy!” Kiley hollers from the steps.

  In an instant, I’m gasping for air. The harsh ragged sounds of my deep inhale of breath fill the room. It seems like an hour goes by before my breathing evens out to a normal rhythm. I roll over onto my hands and knees, silently thanking my daughter for never listening when I send her to bed.

  One

  Riley~present day

  The elevator dings as it passes each floor on the way up to my office. Five days a week, sometimes more, I take this ride to the fifth floor. Today shouldn’t be any different, but it is. If the person who entered the building before me is who I think it is, then my entire life could possibly change.

  I haven’t seen him in years, and no one knows the truth about my past, not even my best friend, Reagan. It would only make sense that I would see him here. With his past and how I work for a renowned lawyer, our paths were likely to cross, especially in this small town. I followed his case for a few years after he was originally charged, but as time went on, I found myself distancing myself from anything related to him.

  I needed to move forward. My life was a chaotic downward spiral after his arrest, and after Kiley was born, I realized I needed to change. Unfortunately, that change didn’t happen until a year ago. It took sleeping with my best friend’s ex to wake me up and realize the danger I was putting myself and my daughter in.

  The elevator dings as it reaches my floor. As the doors slide open, I take a deep breath to ready myself for what awaits me in Nate’s office. “Morning, Madiso
n. How are things today?”

  “Fairly well, Ms. Riley. You look beautiful this morning, as always,” Madison says, with a bright smile.

  Looking down, I take in my attire for today. My navy, knee-length, pencil skirt hugs my thighs tightly. The white button-up shirt is tucked in to accentuate my waist, and the slightest bit of cleavage is revealed with a few of the buttons left open. The definition of my calves is apparent with the four-inch black heels I’m wearing. I can’t say I’m the most comfortable in this type of outfit, but the appreciation I receive from Nate, usually makes it worth it. Although today, that thought makes me uneasy.

  I return Madison’s smile and hope that it comes across as genuine and not fake like it feels. “Thank you.”

  I force myself to keep my head up high, as my pace quickens down the hall to my office. Once inside, I release my breath and shut the door. Taking a seat at my desk, I try to come up with a reason as to why I didn’t check in with Nate, which is my daily routine. Our offices are situated right next door to each other. He likes to have me close, says it makes his workday easier since I’m his assistant. However, I didn’t get moved into an office of my own until we started seeing each other on a personal level six months ago.

  If someone will notice a change in my demeanor, it will be Nate. I know it’s only because he cares deeply for me, but it makes it hard to hide anything from him. Most days, I am more than willing to be honest with him, but not about this. This is something I would prefer to keep a secret.

  Signing in to my computer, I decide to get started on today’s work. I’m about halfway through checking my emails, when I hear the faint sound of my door moving over the carpet. I don’t look up. I’m anxious to see his face, and I need to come up with an excuse quick, but my mind has gone blank.

  Nate walks around my desk and leans against its edge. My hands freeze on the keyboard, and my heart begins to race.

  “Stand up, Riley,” he says, his tone low and even.

  Slowly I push my chair back and rise to meet his stare. His arms are crossed over his chest, and his ankles do the same while stretched out in front of him. When my eyes meet his, I’m met with an inquisitive look. I should have just gone in to say good morning at least, but I couldn’t bring myself to face what waited for me in that room.

  Nate’s hand reaches toward me. He slowly drags it up my bare arm, causing gooseflesh on my skin. The sensation reminds me how good this man can make me feel. I close my eyes and give myself a moment to appreciate his loving touch.

  “Look at you, Riley.” His hand comes around to travel over the curve of my breast. “Do I need to be worried about the fact that you’re avoiding me this morning? Did you slip up last night, and now you’re afraid to face me?”

  My eyes pop open, and on instinct I move toward him, leaning in until I’m pressed against his hard body. I place a hand on his cheek and notice the light stubble that scratches my palm.

  “God no, Nate. I’m sorry I gave you that impression.” Leaning forward I place a feather-soft kiss to his lips. “I’m just feeling out of sorts this morning, and I noticed you already had a client meeting in your office. I didn’t want to interrupt. I knew you would be able to tell I was having a bad morning, and I would never want to pull your focus away from your job.”

  His hands move to my waist, as he shifts his stance to place me between his legs. “Don’t ever feel like you’re interrupting me. Meetings can be rearranged. You come first.”

  He puts me before his work, but I don’t. He’s important to his clients, and they don’t deserve for me to be a distraction.

  His hands begin to slowly ascend up my sides. “Is there something stressing you out? Maybe I can help.”

  My eyes close as his hands travel slowly across my breast, until they reach the top button of my shirt. “Nate, I just got here.”

  “Tell me what’s bothering you.” His hands make their way down my shirt, releasing one button at a time; he pulls it free from my skirt.

  Having intimate moments in the office always makes me uncomfortable. A lot of people may find them thrilling, but I try to hold on to the restraint I found by attending meetings for sex addicts.

  Nate enters with purpose, locking the door with each visit. He doesn’t take no easily, but I know he would never force himself on me. His touch is always gentle and calculated, providing me with pleasure I haven’t known until him, always taking his time. He savors our moments like this.

  His name breaks through my lips on a whisper, “Nate.”

  Slowly dragging my shirt down my arms, releasing me from the restricting fabric, he says, “Don’t you want me, Ri?”

  I should. I’ve never thought about turning him down before, but my mind is still reeling from the man I caught a glimpse of this morning.

  “Are you sure nothing happened last night?”

  With his words, I realize I’m absently staring down to the floor. Bringing my eyes up to meet his, I notice the slight tick in his jaw as he tries to cover up the emotions begging to be seen in his expression. I can’t disappoint him. He’s done more for me than I could have ever imagined.

  His hands have left my body, and I know it’s because he can’t bring himself to touch me, having thoughts of me being with another man last night, but those days are behind me for good. I’ve changed, never to go back to meaningless sex with some stranger.

  Stepping back from him, I reach behind my back, releasing the clasp to my bra, letting it slowly slide down my arms to the floor. Next, I reach up, removing the clip in my hair, allowing it to fall over my back and shoulder.

  Nate’s eyes flair, and I know all thoughts of me cheating on him are out the window. His body lifts from the desk.

  “Don’t,” I say. “You stay right there until I give you permission to place your hands on me.”

  His eyes narrow, and his breathing accelerates. He loves this, me demanding him. That role is usually reversed, but on occasion I take the reins.

  In the most seductive voice I can muster, I ask, “Lose the skirt and heels, or hike it up my thighs while you bend me over my desk?”

  Stepping aside, he points at the mahogany desk. “I’ll take the later of the two.”

  I walk forward until I reach the desk’s edge and lean over until my stomach and chest rest on its cold surface. My hands go to my sides, and I, ever so slowly, slide my skirt up my thighs. Once my skin is exposed, I feel the warmth of his skin as his hand travels over the side of my thigh.

  His touch is delicate, but the trail of his fingers causes my skin to react, and a shiver racks through me.

  “I know we have work to do, but all I want now is to take my time with you,” Nate says.

  I wiggle my ass and moan at his touch, and not because he’s turning me on, but because I need this to be quick. Once Nate is satisfied everything is all right between us, he will leave me be for most of the day. I need time to myself. “We’ll have tons of time tonight; Kiley is going to stay with Rea. Right now, I need you fast and hard. Think you can deliver?”

  Nate chuckles like it’s ridiculous that I asked. “Baby, I can deliver anything you need.”

  He slides his length up and down, spreading my wetness before he finally slides into me at an achingly slow pace. His weight meets my back, and the feel of his teeth grazing my earlobe turns me on enough. I might be able to enjoy this.

  “Just make sure you never forget it,” Nate growls.

  I freeze at his words. Unsure if he’s being playful or serious. Does he know I have a history with his client? “Harder, Nate,” I beg over and over until he complies. My mind begins to wander, for just a fraction of a second, then Nate picks up his pace, entering me so hard I can’t think of anything else but making it through this. My mind is a mess and my body isn’t ready for this onslaught.

  Nate’s grip is so tight on my hips, I fear my bones will crumble under his touch, and I know that for the rest of the day I will be able to feel where he’s been. I can only blame myself. I
asked for this.

  My hands are tightly wrapped around the edge of the desk, as my body tries to find ways to fight against the pain. Thankfully, it only lasts a few more minutes, and finally Nate slows his pace as he grunts his release into me.

  My body is tense, and I know he notices when his hands move up and down my back, massaging me. “Ri, you okay? Did I hurt you?”

  Pushing away from the desk, I stand and turn to face him. With a plastered smile on my face, I try to calm my racing heart. “No, Nate. That was just what I needed.”

  We both begin to straighten out our clothes, putting ourselves back together, as best as possible. I look down to fix my skirt. Nate’s feet appear in front of me, and he places a hand under my chin, slowly raising my head until I’m looking into his eyes. Confusion is etched into his expression. “What is going on, Riley? If something has happened, we’ll work through it. I’m here for you. Please don’t lie to me.”

  “I know, Nate, and I love you for it. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet, but when I am, I promise you’ll be the first to know,” I whisper.

  “Okay, now that we’re being honest, I’ll ask you again. Did I hurt you?” His voice is strained as he speaks, and I know it’s because he hates the thought of anything that brings me pain.

  “I asked for it,” I respond.

  His eyes search mine, begging for a sign that I wanted what he just did to me in the slightest. After a moment, his eyes close and I know he didn’t find the answer he was looking for.

  Still battling with himself, he says, “Why didn’t you ask me to stop?”

  This is the moment when the morning’s events crash down on me. Tears build in the corners of my eyes. I feel lost and confused. My life was going just fine, but that has all been flipped upside down at the sight of just his back. All the pain and fear, I buried deep inside me, appeared as if everything that happened took place yesterday.

  I don’t know how to answer, so I don’t. Why wouldn’t I ask this man to stop if he was hurting me? He loves me. Even though he has never spoken the words, I see it in the way that he looks at me. I’ve never had that before. Well, not since him. Not since I was a teenager, and quite honestly, what teen knows anything about love?