Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  My silence is deafening in my office. Nate is not immune to it either. His eyes are roaming over my body now, searching. It’s only a short minute before he kneels in front of me. His hands reach behind me, lowering the zipper to my skirt. Before I know it, all the work to put myself back together for the day is lost, and I am standing bare from the waist down.

  Featherlight kisses trail over my hips. This is more for him than it is for me. He’s struggling with what he did. There are faint bruises on my pale skin from his harsh grip. Perfect handprints are visible on each side of me.

  His lips land on the sensitive area between my thighs, and I jump from how tender he has left me. I hate myself the moment his forehead leans forward and rests just below my navel. I’ve done this to him. I’ve made him question a moment between us. All he’s asked for is complete honesty. The trust he handed me on a silver platter, just slipped and crashed to the floor.

  His voice drags me from my thoughts. “Why did you have me do it? Why didn’t you ask me to stop, Riley? There has to be a reason.”

  “I don’t know.” I don’t have a reason, well, not a rational one anyway. I needed time alone, and in my screwed up head, I figured if I just gave him rough, unadulterated sex, he’d leave me be once he was satisfied.

  “I’m not one of them,” he says, as he stands to look down at me.

  “One of who?” I ask, confused by his statement.

  “One of your random men. My intentions are not to use you for my sick pleasures, and then bail the next morning.” Nate’s hands start to skirt across my body. Leaning in close, the breath of his whisper sends a shiver through every inch of me. “This body is mine to worship. I want to bring it pleasure. Pleasures that you’ve never experienced before me, and your heart, I want it to belong to me. Don’t set me up to fail you.”

  Every word travels straight through me, causing a longing deep inside me for this man, but that ache, that need only reminds me of just how tender I am from him being inside me. I find myself needing him anyway. Reaching forward, I try to free the button of his slacks.

  Nate steps out of my reach. “No, Riley. From now on I will only fuck you on my terms. You won’t set me up to be the bad guy ever again. I won’t be a disappointment to you, and I definitely won’t tolerate and condone you lying to me.”

  Stepping around me, he heads to my door, leaving me half undressed and confused by his dismissal. I wanted time alone, and now I’m upset he’s leaving. I feel dizzy from the wave of emotions traveling through me. I walk forward, pulling my skirt up as I go, and lean my hands on my desk for support.

  Nate looks back at me one last time, before disappearing into his own office. Well, I guess I got what I wanted, but I went about it completely the wrong way. I should have just talked to him. I should have told him I panicked.

  Now I’m panicking in a different sense. I don’t want to mess things up between Nate and me. It’s the first time I have felt safe and loved by a man in a very long time.

  Feeling the need to apologize, I straighten myself out again and head to his office. Walking in, his back is to me and he is on the phone with a client. I stand there for a moment, waiting for him to notice my presence, but he never turns around.

  Slowly I walk to his desk, not wanting to interrupt, after hearing the nature of the call. I’ll just take a seat and wait. I’m halfway lowered into the chair, when I see his name typed neatly across a file: Jonathan Taylor Haze.

  I freeze, knowing all my suspicions from earlier are confirmed. I don’t know what to do. Do I tell Nate everything? Do I tell him how I know Jonathan, and why I’m distraught over him handling his case? He did ask for honesty. If I’m going to make it through whatever he’s here for, I will need Nate by my side, giving me the support only he can provide.

  I sit completely in the chair and wait. Moments go by and I question all my thoughts a million times, but I never budge. Finally, Nate spins in his chair, taking me in.

  A soft smile touches his lips. “Hey, Ri.”

  “Can you tell me,” my voice cracks, and I clear my throat, “can you tell me what Jonathan Taylor Haze is seeing you for?”

  Two

  Riley age seventeen

  “Riley, come on. JT’s waiting down stairs for us,” Mase calls from outside my bedroom door.

  I assess myself in my floor-length mirror one last time, taking in my cutoff shorts and pink tank that ends an inch shy of meeting the top of my shorts. “Coming!”

  Excitement pulses through my body, and I swear it’s bursting through my fingers and toes. This is the first time my stepbrother, Mase, has invited me out with him and his friends. He’s a year ahead of me in school, but only nine months older than me.

  Attending the same high school is tough sometimes. He’s athletic and popular, where I tend to stay to myself. It’s not that I don’t want friends; I just find it hard to talk to people at school. Life is lonely sometimes, but Mase has been trying to include me in his.

  My spare time is spent concentrating on homework or cleaning the house for my mom. While I hate that she treats me like a slave, I’m at least thankful that it keeps me busy. My mom and stepfather had been dating for years, but it was only a year ago they decided to finally take the plunge and get hitched. Makes no difference though, he was always around, making me heavily aware of how drastically my life changed once he stepped into it.

  Shaking off the thoughts of my parents, I try and focus on the fun night ahead of me, especially Jonathan. Where thoughts of my family bring me down from my high, thoughts of Jonathan build me right back up.

  I head down the hall, toward the stairs and can hear the sound of his voice as he talks to Mase about his latest match at the MMA gym, located blocks away from our neighborhood. Just hearing his voice makes my smile grow wider.

  “Where do you think you are going dressed like that?” my stepfather, Dave, says as he walks up behind me.

  I freeze in my tracks, feeling as though a bucket of ice has been dumped on my good mood. “Just out with Mase.”

  Grabbing my arm tightly, but not enough to hurt me, Dave turns me to face him. His eyes rake over my body. “You’re barely covered.”

  “It’s hot outside,” I say, trying to sound convincing, but it comes out more like a question than a statement.

  His free hand descends to my waist, lightly trailing across the exposed skin there for the briefest of seconds. “What’s this? Those boys will be all over you, dressed like this. You need to go cover up.”

  “Oh, Dave, stop. She’s fine. Plus, she just turned seventeen, that’s what teenagers her age do. They try to attract boys. Besides, that’s how I got you, remember, showing a little skin?” My mom walks up, wrapping her arms around his waist, and I feel a queasy at her words.

  I don’t want to think about how she got Dave. Why couldn’t she have landed a nice man, one that would have been an amazing stepfather to me? Instead, I got Dave and I’ve hated every minute of my life with him in it.

  I watch them silently as my mother smiles up at him, and he stares at me in disgust.

  “Go on, Riley. Have fun with the boys, just remember to stay safe.” Mom moves in front of Dave and slowly pushes him toward their room. “And take your time coming home tonight, sweetie. We’re going to enjoy some alone time, without you kids around.”

  Just as they make it to their door, Dave reaches down, grabs my mom by the butt, and lifts her up to him. My mom is a tiny woman at only five foot one, and only weighs about a hundred pounds soaking wet. Dave, on the other hand, is the biggest man I have ever seen, or he just seems that way to me because of how he is. I swear he’s at least six foot five and weighs at least three times that of my mother. He is big and intimidating.

  I turn and continue my walk toward the stairs. I make it halfway down when he comes into my view. God, he is handsome. The smirk on his face turns into a full-blown smile when he sees me. His eyes locked on mine are too much. I shy away from his gaze. My heart does this weird flu
ttery thing. It only happens when he’s around. I’ve never felt anything like it before.

  “Ready to go?” Mase grabs his wallet from the counter and heads toward the door.

  I feel stupid following behind him without saying a word to him or JT, but I can’t bring myself to speak. What if I stutter from how weird JT makes me feel? I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of him. He’s always so nice to me, and I don’t want to scare him off by being me. Most people shut me out.

  My mouth goes dry as his hand gently lands on my lower back. He ushers me out the front door, leaning in close to my ear. “I’m glad you decided to come out tonight, Ri.”

  “Me too,” I whisper.

  I climb into the back seat of the car, while the boys climb into the front. Mase drives while JT controls the radio.

  “Think Ava will be there tonight?” Mase asks over the music.

  JT’s head tips back in laughter. “I bet you would like that.” His voice rises to mimic the pitch of a girl. “Oh, Mase, how do you want me tonight? I’ll do anything for you.”

  “Shut the fuck up. She doesn’t sound like that.” Mase turns to look at JT with a cocky smile on his face. “She will do anything I ask though. Sometimes she makes me put a little work into it, but I always get my way.”

  I feel like I’ve been forgotten in the back seat. I hate to draw attention to myself, but if Mase has a girlfriend, he hasn’t told me about her. “Who’s Ava? Is she your girlfriend?”

  Now JT is really laughing. Mase’s arm shoots out and jabs JT in his bicep. “No, Ri, not my girlfriend. I don’t need one of those right now, with how hard we’ve been hitting the gym. I need to concentrate on fighting.”

  JT turns to face me. “Ava is just a girl that our boy here, takes out his pent-up frustrations on, and she is more than willing. It’s a little pathetic, if you ask me. Think puppy dog following its master and you have Ava.”

  Mase doesn’t come across as some arrogant boy who takes advantage of a girl, when he’s at home with me. He’s always respectful and kind. I wonder if this is just an act for his friend, but then JT doesn’t come off that way either.

  I know the type. I’ve been through the awkward stage of developing a woman’s body, when the rest of the girls in my grade still looked like the boys. I stood out and boys always had something to say to me about it, thinking I wanted to do things with them because I had big boobs and a round ass. That’s never who I’ve been. I don’t like the thought of any boy putting his hands on me, especially that way. It feels wrong. I want to fall in love before taking that step.

  Curious if what JT says is true, I ask, “Mase, is that true? Do you take advantage of this girl liking you?”

  I watch his face in the rearview mirror as it goes from a full-blown laughing smile to somber, and his eyes meet mine for a brief moment. “Ri, let’s not talk about this anymore, okay? I promise though, the things I do with Ava, she wants just as much as I do.”

  Turning, I look out the window and watch the trees zoom by. A chill touches my skin. Crossing my arms over my chest, I rub my hands up and down my arms. I feel bad for assuming bad things about Mase. I wasn’t saying that he was forcing himself on Ava, just taking advantage. A lump forms in my throat, thinking I’ve upset him.

  I’m already feeling uneasy when he pulls up to the party down by the creek. It is loaded with people I recognize from school, but I would not call any of them friends. I’m not necessarily the best friend material anyway. It’s hard to talk to people. I want to have friends, but I feel like I constantly must watch what I say. It never fails; I seem to always say something awkward.

  I feel someone tug on my hand. I snatch it away before I realize it’s JT. “Sorry.”

  “No worries. I snuck up on you.” His face lights up again, his smile melting me to the ground.

  I look down at my feet, avoiding his gaze. I can’t handle the way it makes me feel, somewhat good, but confused and scared all at once. My heart is racing in my chest at his nearness. What I would describe as panic feels different with JT, like a good racing.

  I feel his warm soft fingers touch under my chin, lifting gently until I bring my eyes back up to his. “Walk with me.”

  I nod my head in silent agreement, and he lowers his hand from my jaw to take my hand in his. The gentle touch of his hand wrapping around mine causes my heart to slow, and for once in my life, I feel calm. I like this. I like his touch. I like this calmness. I feel a smile touch my lips, a genuine, unforced smile.

  I follow behind him, not speaking a word, just taking in this new feeling. I guess it’s not new at all, just forgotten. I’ve forgotten how to be happy. How can one little touch of someone’s hand help me to realize this?

  We’ve walked for a bit while I was lost in thought. Looking around, I notice that we are at the creek’s edge, which is one of my favorite places to come, but we are now completely alone. My nerves pick up. I try to hang on the feelings from a moment ago, but I hate to be alone with any boy.

  I can’t help but look around, trying to catch a glimpse of another couple who has wandered off. Wait couple? We are not a couple. I just meant other people who are around that are a couple, not another couple as in we are a couple. My nerves are really kicking in now, and I can feel my hands begin to sweat. I pull my hand away, a little too quickly.

  JT turns to look at me. Not shocked or upset, but with a sad smile on his face. “Wanna come sit with me on that rock over there?”

  “Um… I.” I really want to back to where the group is. I’m not really comfortable there, but being out here makes me nervous for completely different reasons.

  He slides his hands into his front pockets, rocking up on to his toes and back down as he contemplates his next words. “I really just want to spend some time with you. I’m the reason Mase asked you to come out tonight. I knew if I did, you would have said no.”

  “So, you both lied to me, so you could get me alone?” I ask, feeling slightly betrayed.

  “NO! Well yes, but not like what you’re thinking. I just really want to get to know you, and at the house you never seem comfortable. I thought maybe I could bring you somewhere quiet and peaceful. I promise I just want to talk. All of this is nothing bad, I swear.” JT turns toward the water and away from me.

  I want to believe him. I should. I should learn to trust people other than Mase, and he would not have agreed to ask me to come out if he didn’t trust JT. “Okay.”

  His head snaps around, surprised I just agreed. “Okay?”

  Shaking my head yes, I can’t help but smile at him. It’s a soft timid smile, but his genuine surprise at my agreement is a little funny. “Why do you look so surprised?”

  “I thought I would have to convince you a little more than that, I guess. Come on. Let’s sit over there.” He reaches his hand out, waiting for me to place mine in his.

  I hesitate at first, but take in the rocky path ahead of me that leads to the larger rock he has in mind. The sun is almost completely set, and the noise from the rest of the crowd has dwindled from our distant walk to the creek.

  He guides me to the water’s edge. “Wanna put your feet in? Mase tells me one of your favorite places is the creek near your house.”

  “Do you guys talk about me a lot?” I ask, feeling self-conscious.

  JT laughs gently at my question. “I guess so. That’s probably my fault though. I ask him about you all the time.”

  It seems strange to me that he would care. I’m a nobody, and he’s Jonathan Taylor Haze. He and Mase started MMA training about a year or two ago, after being brought up in martial arts since they were small together, and the girls seem to love what the hard training does to their bodies. I find their strength intimidating, knowing that they could overpower me, but for some reason, sitting here and seeing a gentle side to him, I know I don’t need to be afraid.

  “Why? There’s nothing interesting about me.” I look down, kicking off my sandals, and take a seat on the rock, sinking my toes
into the lukewarm water.

  “Nah, there’s plenty of things that interest me. Like the way you avoid eye contact when you get nervous, but then you’ll dance all over the kitchen, knowing that Mase and I are in the other room. See you’re embarrassed that I caught you, but you shouldn’t be, it’s fun to watch you be carefree.” I can hear the genuine happiness in his voice as he talks about me.

  It’s difficult for me to not focus on how his words sound, because in my heart I can feel he means no harm. He likes to be around me, but my head is overanalyzing, and turning his words into insult. “So, you like to see my discomfort?”

  He lets out a short quick laugh. “Nah, it’s not like that, but when you won’t look me in the eye, I have a chance to look at how beautiful you are without making you uncomfortable. When you dance, thinking no one is watching; I get to see how free you truly want to be.”

  I turn and look at him this time. He’s drawn me in with his words. No one has ever called me beautiful, but that’s not even what grabs at me the most. With just a few words, I can tell he sees me. The me that wants to climb out of this confining hole of a life into someone with the freedom to do whatever she wants in the world, but sadly I’ll never have the confidence. It’s not who I am. I’m just a timid, afraid girl, who always worries what others think of me.

  His eyes are such a beautiful green. His hair is buzzed short and I find myself wanting to run my hands over it. I swallow the lump in my throat. This feeling I get around him is new and different. It’s hard to even explain. “Wow,” I whisper.

  JT sits up straighter, concern now etched across his face. “What? Does that freak you out?”

  “Yes,” I answer, but when he turns away from me, I realize it was the wrong thing to say. “Not in the way you think though. I just can’t explain it. It’s not really a bad freak-out. I’ve just never caught the interest of anybody before, and the way I feel right now. This is all new to me, JT. I’m sorry if I’m being weird.”