Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “But Mase was telling Dave you don’t think of me like that. He said you think of me just as he does.” Her expression is one of confusion, like she’s not sure who to believe.

  Thanks, Mase. I wish he would have told me. “Look, Ri, I’m pretty sure that Mase said that so we could keep hanging out together. I swear, I don’t look at you in any way that Mase does. He sees you as his sister. I want you to be my girl. I want more of those kisses you just placed on my neck. I just didn’t want to push you to do something you weren’t ready for.”

  Her head tilts as she listens, taking in my words. She takes a moment, but finally responds, “Really? You like me like that?”

  Stepping closer to her, I reach out again, but she doesn’t move toward me, so I close the gap, placing my hand on her cheek. “Yes, Ri. I really, really like you like that.”

  She shakes her head back and forth. “I just don’t understand.”

  I rub my thumb across her soft skin. “Let me help you then.”

  Slowly I lean forward, giving her a chance to back away, but she doesn’t. I stop with my lips, barely brushing hers. “Can I kiss you?”

  She’s stiff as a board and frozen in place. “I don’t know. I’m so nervous.”

  “That’s okay. I am too,” I say with a smile on my lips. I love her honesty.

  I catch her slight whisper, “Okay.”

  We don’t move right away. Searching her eyes, I find so many emotions: confusion, excitement, and fear, but the one I hold onto before leaning in is adoration.

  I lick my lips, making sure they aren’t dry. My heart is racing in my chest. I grab her hand, placing it over the thumping rhythm as proof that I’m nervous too. I don’t want her to be afraid of this or confuse the emotions she is feeling.

  Her eyes break from mine for a moment to look at where her hand rests. There’s a heavy swallow in her throat, before her eyes snap back up to mine. She’s shocked by what she feels but I know she understands. Her heart must be racing too.

  I can’t wait any longer. I press my lips to hers. They are the softest, warmest lips I have ever felt against mine. We stay with our lips pressed together, unmoving until I feel her body relax. Opening and closing my lips against hers brings that unnamed emotion front and center. My heart beats with it, and even though she has not reciprocated my movements with her lips yet, I feel that same emotion bouncing off of her.

  Raising both of my hands to her face, my thumbs rest just under her lower lip; they tug slightly, allowing my lips to fit in between hers. That’s all it takes. Her mouth begins to move in sync with mine, like they were made to kiss each other. Our bodies stand only an inch apart, but it feels like miles. I want to carry her to the grass, lay her down, and cover every inch of her with every inch of me. I won’t though, because this has to be enough for now.

  Riley pulls away. We are both breathing heavier, lips swollen, and in awe of what that kiss felt like.

  “I’m sorry. I just need to catch my breath,” she says.

  Wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I pull her into me. “Me too, Riley. That was…I don’t even know how to explain it.”

  She doesn’t respond to my comment, and I know she needs a minute to process what happened between us. I love her reaction. I love that she always says how she feels, even when she’s nervous or afraid. I love everything about this girl.

  Wait, no, no, no. What am I talking about? I mean, I like everything about this girl. Love, ha, I’m a seventeen-year-old MMA fighter. I can’t love anyone. I still have a lot to learn to perfect my craft, but I plan to be someone one day, and there’s not much time outside of school and training to love someone.

  I’m drawn to her, yes. I think about her all the time, no doubt, but what more could come of this anyway? Between my schedule and her warden, this can only be a few hours a week kind of relationship.

  “JT, can you take me home?” Riley asks, face still buried in my chest.

  There’s my answer. She’s not ready for this. I definitely can’t sacrifice my training for a girl who doesn’t return my feelings. I guess it’s settled then. No need to worry. This thing between us will remain just as it is, a couple hours a week.

  Six

  Riley~the past

  Quietly, I tiptoe through the house, hoping to make it to my room without seeing Dave. I make it up the stairs and halfway down the hall when I hear the bathroom door open. My feet pick up speed; maybe I can still make it.

  “STOP!” Dave hollers in a stern, don’t mess with me voice.

  I drop my forehead to my doorframe and take a deep breath. Slowly, I turn to face him, knowing how much he hates when I don’t look at him when he speaks.

  Dave closes the distance between us. “Why are you running to your room?”

  My eyes drop from his. He’ll know I’m lying but I try to convince him anyway. “I’m not feeling well and I just want to lie down.”

  Dave places his strong, rough hand on my forehead, and then my cheek. “You don’t feel warm.” Tilting my chin up, he inspects my face and neck. “What happened with Mase’s friend?”

  Shaking my head, I swallow roughly, unsure of what else he’ll say. “Nothing.”

  I always follow the rules. Always. I don’t like to be punished by him, and it’s been years since I’ve broken his rules, but tonight I had to feel JT’s lips. Something inside me begged for his kiss, but I knew the rules. Boys don’t touch me, and I don’t touch them. End of story.

  “You look awfully nervous. Are you sure about that?” he asks.

  I muster up two words, unable to speak more from my fear. “I’m sure.”

  Dave’s hand goes to the back of my head. He wraps it in my hair and pulls. It’s not enough to cause pain, but enough to get my attention. “You will not see that boy again. Understand? No more nights out at the pond fishing. If I even believe that. It’s nice how your brother tries to lie for you and his friend though.”

  I don’t dare move or respond. I wait, staring at the wall, avoiding eye contact now that he’s fisting my hair.

  “Let me see your phone,” Dave says.

  I slide it out from my pocket.

  “Text that boy and let him know you can’t see him anymore. You won’t be treated like some little slut by him, got it? Now, go get yourself ready for bed and meet me in the kitchen. We need to talk.” He finally lets me go and heads down the hall toward the stairs.

  Leaning back against the wall, I begin to breathe again, realizing that I was holding my breath. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut or the heart. I’m not sure. My chest hurts. I can’t imagine not being able to see JT for the short period of time that we get together. I was already starting to feel like it wasn’t enough.

  It’s easy for me to talk to him, and he’s actually interested in what I have to say. We can spend the entire time we are together filling all the silence with our words. The best part is how intently he listens to me, like he has to soak up every word I speak.

  I had convinced myself that our relationship was platonic. How could he want me, of all people, as more than a friend? But that kiss, it did things to me I never thought possible. My heart beat rapidly in my chest, and for a moment, I thought it might explode. I could feel the touch of his lips all the way down to my toes.

  How will I not see him now? There’s always school but our schedules keep us at opposite ends of the building most of the day. I could ask my mom to see if she could change Dave’s mind, but she’s not always keen on helping me.

  I quickly grab a few things from my bedroom and head down the hall to the bathroom that Mase and I share. Wanting to get this conversation over with, I wash my face, pull up my hair, and throw on my pajamas.

  A few minutes later, I’m walking into the kitchen. Dave is seated at the table.

  “Come, Riley, have a seat.” He pulls out the chair next to him.

  I suddenly feel like this conversation may be a little more series than I originally thought. I thought he wasn’t fin
ished yelling at me about being loose with boys. Sliding into the chair he has selected, his nearness makes me nervous.

  Dave faces the table, staring down at his folded hands. “I know what I’m about to tell you is going to be hard on you. I’m not always the nicest man, but I promise, everything I do is to help you be a good woman, unlike your mom.”

  “What? My mom is a good woman. She’s been with you for years. She’s always home at night. I know she’s not perfect but she’s here,” I say in defense of a woman that barely defends me. There is some truth to his words. I know and he knows it. I could speak all good things, but it would never change the truth. My mom puts in the bare minimum when it comes to our family.

  “Please, Riley. Your mom has been running around with other men since the day we met. She thinks she can rule the world by dropping her pants. I have no idea why I have put up with her shit this long. It doesn’t matter though, because today she called and said she was never coming back; not for me, and sure as hell not for you.” He speaks with an anger I’ve never heard before, but it’s his words that catch me off guard the most.

  Shock is written all over my face, but on the inside, my heart pounds in fear of what this means for me. She’s not coming back for me. I’m a seventeen-year-old girl, left abandoned with a stepfather that hates her. However, the fear of not having a roof over my head is worse than being stuck here with him. At least here I have Mase.

  A slight twinge of guilt takes root in my stomach. There’s no sense of loss over my mother leaving me behind. I guess there’s not much opportunity to miss someone who was never around. Maybe I’m just as bad as she is.

  “What about me?” I ask.

  “What about you?” Dave says, like my question is invalid.

  “Where will I go?” I feel small in this moment. I guess I’m easily left behind, like some insignificant article of clothing, or worse because I’m sure she at least took something to wear with her.

  “This is your home. Of course, you stay here with us.” Dave pushes away from the table, leaving me alone.

  How long will this really last? I’ll be seventeen soon and a senior in high school. With my junior year almost over, I pray for the days to slow down. Once the school year comes to an end, I won’t have any interaction with JT at all. He’ll graduate and leave me behind. Maybe cutting things off completely isn’t such a bad idea.

  I can’t deal with all of this at once, the hurt and confusion of my mother leaving without a word and the need to cut things off with JT is too much. I could never go against Dave’s wishes now, not with him allowing me to stay here. Staying in his home will take so much more than just me taking up space here. I’ll need food and clothes. Hopefully, I’ll never get sick.

  I head back up to my room, typing a text to JT like I was told. My thumb hovers over the send button as a lump forms in my throat and an empty feeling in my gut.

  I’ve felt alone most of my life, but since JT has become a part of it; I don’t want to go back to that. I want our few hours a week together, at our spot by the creek. I learned early how life works. You can’t always have what you want. Day after day, I’m reminded of it. Today, however hits especially hard.

  Forcing my thumb down, I send a simple five-word text.

  I can’t see you anymore.

  I don’t give an explanation. I’m not sure I want to. I’ve done fairly well, not letting JT see just how pathetic my life is. I’d like to keep it that way.

  I shut my phone down and toss it to the side. I can’t see his response and carrying on a conversation will make things that much harder. Climbing into bed, I focus on the anger I feel because my mother left. I at least understand my feelings about her leaving, and the pain I feel from her absence isn’t as great as the pain I feel thinking about his.

  He's somehow worked his way under my skin, making my heart beat in a way that makes me feel alive. I haven’t felt alive my entire life. I just exist. The difference is profound once someone jumpstarts that rhythm in your chest. It’s almost like you will take off in flight, soaring high through the clouds without a care of where you land.

  Unfortunately, tonight I landed back here, with strict orders and no access to my life’s pilot again.

  I lie here, waiting for sleep to grab hold of me and wrap me in its darkness, but I’m not that lucky. It’s shortly after midnight when I hear it. There is a low tap on my bedroom window. I slowly stand from my bed, waiting to see if I hear it again.

  It’s silent in my room, except for the beating of my heart in my ears. Who would be outside my window at this time?

  The tap sounds again through my room. Realizing that it could be my mother coming back to get me, I rush to my blind and jerk it up by its string.

  Only it’s not her. It’s him. I make sure to lock my bedroom door before opening my window to let JT in my room. He climbs through easily.

  “What are you doing here and how did you get up to my window?” I ask in a quiet whisper.

  Leaning in against my ear, he whispers back. “It’s never a good idea to put your daughter’s room above the porch. Makes it easy to climb in and out of a window.”

  “I’m not allowed to see you anymore. Didn’t you get my text?” I walk over to my bed and take a seat.

  The bed dips next to me, and JT wraps my hand in his. “Of course I did. That’s why I’m here.”

  I look up to him, confused. “What do you mean?”

  He takes a strand of my hair, watching as he twirls it around his finger. “Well, I kind of like you, Riley, and after that kiss. I can tell you kind of like me. So, I’m not letting Dave make this decision for us. We’ve done nothing wrong. Please don’t ever feel bad about anything that happens between us, ‘cause quite honestly, I’m not sure I can handle that.”

  There he goes again with his words. Words that I don’t just hear, but feel. I feel everything about JT. If I look at him, I feel it. When he talks to me, I feel it. His graceful touches, boy do I feel them.

  “I have a feeling Mase’s dad put you up to telling me that, and while I know you would never go against his rules; I will. I have already been thinking about needing to see you more, so less isn’t going to work for me.” He drops my hair, catching my eyes with his.

  “I want to see you more, too, but if Dave finds out.” I want to touch him, but I’m nervous being alone with him in my bedroom.

  JT stands from the bed, pulling me up by my hands with him. His large hands brush my hair away from my face. “Good. I like to hear we’re on the same page. We’ll be careful.”

  I watch as he turns to the bed, gently pulling back my comforter, jokingly smoothing my sheets out before gesturing for me to climb in. He brings a smile to my face, and I follow orders, sliding to the middle. I hope he’s not leaving already. My bad day just got better, and I’m not ready for him to go.

  “Well, scoot over and give me some room,” he says, answering my unspoken question.

  I push back in my twin-size bed until I’m against the wall. When JT’s large body climbs in next to mine, I feel small, fragile. I should be intimidated, but I can’t even force myself to feel that way around him. I feel the complete opposite lying here. I feel comforted and safe; two things I have never felt locked away in my room. This place has never really felt like home, until now, with this big goofy boy lying next to me.

  Seven

  Jon~present day

  Mase hired me at his gym, without question, when I got back into town. I’ve been doing whatever I can to help out over the last month. It feels good to spend most of my time in a gym again. I’m starting to feel a little like my old self again.

  Walking over to the treadmill, I hop on to get in a short run, since I have some time before my next training session starts. Taking off slow at first, I build my speed as I go. Working on building my stamina is a priority for me. I’ve kept up my physical shape, and at twenty-six, I’m bulkier than I was back when I was fighting in college, but getting in a cage, and going rou
nds with an opponent is not something I can handle right now.

  I run and run, until my muscles burn and I feel like I’m breathing in fire. This is what I live for. I love every minute of the pain, because it puts me closer to my goal. Even though I’m settled and am feeling more relaxed being back here, this town still puts me on edge. Training takes that edge away.

  After pushing through fifteen more minutes, I grab a shower in the locker room, finishing just in time for my new client. Quickly, I slide into a pair of jogging shorts and a T-shirt.

  I’ve seen my lawyer, Nate, a few more times to talk about my case. After learning what I do, he said he was sending one of his girls my way. There have only been a couple I have come in contact with at his office, but I can honestly say that man is very selective when choosing his employees, and I can’t wait to see which one this is. All I know is that her name is Madison.

  Walking out of the locker room, I notice a tall blonde standing at the front counter, talking to one of our employees. From behind, this woman does not need much training to get into shape. Her calves are defined by the heels she’s wearing, leading up to the tight skirt that meets her knees. There are curves covered by that tight fabric that any man would want to get to know.

  My eyes make their way up to her trim waist, by the looks of the rest of this woman; I bet she has a pair of tits on her that any man would dream of burying his face in. She’s carrying a small duffel bag, and I pray to the gods that she’s my new client. I’ll have to thank Nate the next time I see him.

  The gym is busy tonight and I’m standing here gawking like a horny teenager. I can’t be the only one who has noticed this gem talking to our front desk staff. As I look around, she’s caught the attention of almost every man in the main gym. Sorry, fellas, I believe this one belongs to me for the next hour.