Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  Allie, points a finger in my direction, and now I know I’m the lucky winner of this woman’s time. The thought of her changing into some tight gym clothes and seeing every curve of that fine body, as it follows my every command, excites me more than it should.

  My trainee hikes her bag up onto her shoulder, turning in my direction. I can’t help but confirm my suspicions from before, and damn if I wasn’t right. Getting this one naked and underneath me just became a priority. A smile tugs at my lips at the thought.

  Pushing all my dirty thoughts away, I force myself to look up and make eye contact. When her eyes meet mine, my world stops. The room fades to the background and it’s only her I see, Riley. My chest tightens, and adrenaline pumps through my veins. I never wanted to see her again. Mase promised she never comes here. He must have been honest because she registered under a different fucking name.

  I can’t look at her. She ruined my life and what we had. She ruined me.

  She is slowly walking toward me with a look of uncertainty. I need to turn and walk away. I haven’t been this angry for quite some time. If I move, I’m afraid of what I might do. Maintaining control is my only option; one I should have chosen years ago.

  My hands clench into fist at my sides. Why is she here? She’s only a few steps away, so I guess I’m about to find out.

  “Hi, JT,” she says, timidly.

  I try to force down my anger, but my response comes out harsh and edgy. “Why the fuck are you here?”

  She looks around the gym to see if anyone’s heard me, but I just look at her, enjoying her discomfort.

  Clearing her throat, she answers. “I need a trainer. Heard you were the best here.”

  “Cut the bullshit, Riley. You don’t put someone through the shit you put me through, and then just waltz into their life later, like nothing fucking happened,” I snap.

  “Look, JT, I…”

  “It’s Jon. No one calls me JT anymore, and I prefer you didn’t either.” That’s not entirely true. Mase still calls me JT, but I don’t like the way her voice says my nickname from years ago. It makes me feel like that weak boy again: the boy whose life was ruined by this woman.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Jon,” Riley corrects herself.

  That’s better. I don’t want to be reminded of the good times I had with her, locked in her room at night, while she whispered JT when I kissed that little spot at the curve of her neck. The only thing I want to remember is the hate I feel for what she did the last time I saw her.

  “Can we go somewhere private?” she asks.

  “No.” That’s the only answer she will get. No explanation.

  She looks around again. When she notices no one is in earshot, she continues, “I know whatever I say to you will not change the trouble I caused in your life, but if you could please give me time to explain. I’m a terrible person, I know that, but I’m trying to be better.”

  I watch as tears build in her eyes and trickle down her cheeks. Women and tears have always been a weakness for me. I nod my head toward the back room, as a signal for her to follow me. I don’t really care to hear her explanation, but I don’t want other patrons seeing her cry.

  When we get into the room, I keep my back to her, holding on to my anger. “What is it you want, Ri?”

  “I have a ton to say. I just don’t know where to start,” she sniffles.

  “Well, I’m not interested in hearing any of it. So you may want to start soon, before I change my mind about giving you a few short minutes.” I cross my arms over my chest, holding my stance.

  She doesn’t ask me to turn around, instead she boldly walks around me; facing me almost eye to eye with the heels she has on. “I need to start with an apology. I’m sorry, Jon. I’m more sorry than I can ever express. Things were fucked-up back then, and I had no idea.”

  “And what, now you know? Does that make what you did to me forgivable?” I try to remain expressionless. I don’t want her to know that seeing her affects me. I don’t want her to know anything about me.

  Her eyes are the same. She’s still that weak, quiet little girl on the inside, but her appearance portrays a woman of strength. I’m not sure if she can fool the rest of the world, but she sure as hell isn’t fooling me.

  “No. I just…I don’t know. I thought this would be easier.” Riley looks down to the floor, breaking our eye contact.

  “For who, you or me?” I ask, curious if she still only thinks about herself.

  “I didn’t know what choice I was making back then. I saw the world differently than you. I wish I didn’t, but I was completely fooled by Dave. If I would have known the consequences for you, I would have chosen differently.” Her voice cracks and she continues to stare at the ground.

  I can’t forgive her that easily. I’ve trained myself to hate this woman. One little apology will not erase that. “I can’t forgive you, Riley. You fucked my life up. Now it’s taking me a lot of time and money to straighten out the mess you made. I loved you with everything I had. I tried to protect you, and you threw all of that back in my face.”

  She looks back up to me. “Please just give me a chance to explain.”

  “Isn’t that why we’re standing here?” I ask.

  “Look, I loved you. Dave just tainted what I thought I knew. He manipulated the world I lived in. All of the stories he told me made me question how you felt about me. After a while, I thought it was just me and Dave, and that no one would look out for me like he did. I never heard from you or Mase after he got his own place. What was I supposed to think?” Her eyes are wild. She’s still trying to understand what happened back then.

  How could she dismiss what we had so easily? Was it so hard to believe I loved her more than she could ever understand? Apparently, so. She’s still questioning it. I can see it written all over her face. “Are you here to apologize, Riley? Really? Because I’m getting the impression that you’re just here so you can feel better about what you did.”

  I move toward her, angered that she came here for this. Her steps match mine in a reversed order, backing her up until she is firmly against the wall. “It seems to me this isn’t an apology at all, so let me break it down for you. What happened back then was you easily dismissed what we had. If you truly loved me, and understood how much I loved you, then any lie Dave threw at you, you would have never believed. You would have known that I called every day, only to have my calls forwarded directly to Dave’s phone. It was easy for him to make you think badly of me. Who would love you? Wasn’t that always the problem? You hated yourself back then, so you took how I felt for you and decided on your own that it was impossible.”

  There’s nowhere for her to go. My hands are placed firmly against the wall next to her head. Tears flow freely down her cheeks, but I continue anyway. “He taunted me with each call, but I never believed what he said, and when he finally started telling me that you were begging him to fuck you. I knew in my heart that shit wasn’t true. It couldn’t have been, but I guess we were both stupid, huh?”

  “No, that’s not what happened.” Her words come out in sobs. All these years and she’s still lying to herself.

  “Don’t fucking come in here to apologize and lie to me. Stop lying to yourself! It is what happened. You took what we had and threw it away over lies. Think about how that man used to treat you. You hated him, and then all the sudden your mom up and leaves without a word, and your view of him changes. I always hated the way he looked at you.” I back away. I need air. Her scent brings back memories of pale soft skin. Mixing that with my deep-rooted anger for this woman, and I feel like I’m strung so tight I might snap.

  “You called every day?” she asks from behind me.

  “Fucking right, I did. I was holding on to something I thought was a one in a lifetime chance. Guess I had to learn the hard way how wrong I was.” I run my hands through my hair, pulling it back out of my face.

  Her cries stop, and the heavy silence in the room weighs down on me. Turning around, I fi
nd her crouched down, arms wrapped around her legs, and her face buried in her knees.

  Her eyes lift to mine, with a look I don’t understand. “Everything was a lie.”

  I can’t do this with her. “Get up, Riley. It’s time for you to leave. Our time of working things out passed a long time ago.”

  She raises to her heeled feet, smooths her hands down her skirt, and levels me with her stare. It’s like she never had a breakdown. It took her that moment curled up on the floor to put her wall back up. It’s not made from anything sturdy though, one strong wind and it will be knocked back down.

  Her shoulders pull back and she speaks with resolve, “I came here for training. I paid for ten sessions.”

  I chuckle. She can’t be fucking serious. “Find someone else, Ri.” I turn to leave the room.

  “Nate paid for me to be here. Trust me, you need him. He’s not a man you want to upset,” she says, to my back.

  I do need him if I want to expunge my record, and he’s the best in the area. I can’t believe she’s blackmailing me. Fine, she wants a trainer, then she’ll get one. I hope she’s up for it. “Go get changed. Meet me at the treadmills.”

  Eight

  Riley~present day

  Rolling over, I snuggle into Nate, burying my face in his chest as he wraps a strong arm around me. I love the weekends when he stays with us. He slipped out of bed a little while ago to feed Kiley and got her set up with her favorite movie on the couch, before coming back in here with me. There’s nothing better than having someone who can help and allow me to sleep in. Seven years of raising a child on your own is hard.

  Nate places a kiss on the top of my head. “How did it go with Jonathan yesterday?”

  I roll onto my back, groaning when my muscles scream in pain. “I may not be able to move. His training session was brutal, and unfortunately, nothing was resolved, so I’ll be going back once a week to meet with him.”

  His hand comes to my jaw, his thumb lightly brushing across my lower lip. “You know you can forgive yourself without him having to forgive you, right?”

  “I know, but after talking with him, I realize there is a lot from his side that I didn’t know. I want to know everything. I want to fully understand the reality of my life back then. Maybe I can piece some things together, instead of the fantasy I created in my head. I know what I’ve been told by my therapist, but I want the truth from people who were there to witness it.” Turning my head, I look into Nate’s concerned eyes. “I was a stupid girl, but even now it’s hard for me to see that everything was a lie.”

  “You were manipulated as a lonely teenager. You lived every day being lied to, with no other communication. How could you know?” Nate asks.

  “I wish Mase would have filled me in sooner.” I wish I had fought harder to hold on to the relationships that I finally built with him and JT back then. Jon was right. I had so little faith in anything we shared that I just let him slip away.

  He watches his hand as he strokes his fingers through my hair. “I don’t know if you would have listened back then.”

  Maybe he’s right. Back then I could only see what was right in front of me. Between my lack of confidence, self-loathing, and the sadness I felt after JT left, Dave was the only person around to make me feel needed.

  My mother leaving without a word was what started it all. We were never close, and I didn’t realize in those firsts months that I missed her. I always thought it was just the notion of having a mother that I missed, but regardless of our relationship, she was still my mom.

  I’ve only seen her once since she left, and it was at Dave’s funeral. He passed away from a massive heart attack a month before my daughter was born. My mom took in my rounded belly. “Following in your mother’s footsteps, I see,” she had said, and then asked me who the father was. I was reluctant to answer and realization spread across her face. She laughed liked it was a joke and proceeded to tell me she was glad she left me behind; she had been tired of competing with me for her husband’s attention. I was caught off guard by her words and didn’t completely understand what they meant back then. I understand now that Dave was after me for longer than I thought, and he manipulated all parts of my life.

  After having Kiley, I understand the bond between a mother and a daughter. I missed out on that. She is the best surprise I’ve ever received, and she is the only thing from my past that I could never regret.

  Rolling onto my back, I look up to my stark white ceiling. “My biggest fear is that I’m still her; the weak girl who is easily fooled. There are days I question everything about my life.”

  “Everything?” Nate asks, as he props himself up on his elbow to look down at me.

  If there is anything I have learned over the years, it’s that not everything needs to be said. I’m still fairly honest to a fault. I could never tell him I question him, us. I’m not even sure it has anything to do with him. He’s pretty amazing, not just to me but to Kiley, as well.

  Sitting up, I hold the sheet up over my chest and face him. “Nate, you have been one of the best things to ever enter my life. I hope you don’t think I meant you.”

  Leaning forward, he presses a gentle kiss to my lips. “Why don’t you get ready? Let’s get out of the house for the day.”

  He’s out of the bed and exiting the room before I respond. Nate is smarter than I give him credit for. I hate that I’m questioning my life with JT’s return. I was good at locking up everything from my past. I’ve faced my issues by using sex as a coping mechanism, but I haven’t faced what happened with JT. I don’t know if I would have ever been ready to. What happened with JT is the worst part of every bad choice I ever made.

  Slowly I stand from my bed, my muscles are tight and I feel like my legs may snap as I walk. I slip my robe on and head to my bathroom to grab some pain relievers. My hand freezes on the medicine cabinet door, as I take in my reflection. My façade has faltered. It’s time to put my mask back in place. Pushing my shoulders back, I dig deep to portray confidence. No one will know the truth. I will get past this, just as I’ve gotten through worse days in my life.

  I take my medicine and grab a quick shower before meeting Kiley and Nate in the living room. She’s sidled up next to him, watching her movie, and his arm is draped across the back of the couch. I watch them for a moment. He’s incredibly good to her.

  I always thought I wanted a man in my life, but then when Nate all but forced his way in, I panicked. Could I really bring a father figure into Kiley’s life? The entire stepdad situation scared me more than I ever thought it would, considering my own experience as a teenager.

  Then I finally introduced them, my heart pounding in fear. I worried for nothing. His love for her is as pure as it comes. There has never been an awkward moment that I’ve questioned. There has never been a moment where my daughter has shown discomfort in his presence. She looks up to him like he is the moon that brought light to her dark nights.

  A smile touches my lips, as I think about how precious she was getting ready for their father-daughter dance together.

  “Do you think he will like my dress, Mom?” Kiley had asked.

  “Of course, Ki. Nate could never be disappointed with you. He’s looking forward to this dance, just as much as you are,” I replied.

  Nate turns on the couch, catching my eye. His lips curve to match mine. A moment of happiness and understanding shared from across the room. He knows why I look happy while watching them together, and he’s happy that I’m happy.

  “All right!” Nate claps his hands together as he sits forward and grabs the remote, turning off the TV. “Time to spoil my girls.”

  Kiley stands on the couch, bouncing as she speaks. “Oh, yay. Where are we going?”

  “Go finish getting ready and then you’ll find out.” He picks her up off the couch, placing her feet on the floor.

  Kiley takes off running to her room.

  “Nate, you don’t need to take us out to spoil us. Just having you here
is enough for her and for me,” I say.

  Nate closes the gap between us, placing his hands on my hips. “I know I don’t have to, but what good is all my hard work if we can’t have some fun, every once in a while.”

  “You buy us shit all the time, not every once in a while.” I cross my arms over my chest.

  A gentle, soft kiss brushes my lips. “Can’t take it to my grave, baby.”

  He spoils us. I know he means well, but I never intended to raise Kiley this way. I want her to have more than me, but in the way of love and friendship, not possessions. “Nate, let’s not shop today. We can just go somewhere and spend time together.”

  Nate pushes away from me, grabbing his shoes before taking a seat on the couch. “Okay, well if you don’t like my idea, what is yours?”

  I catch the annoyance in his tone. He always seems upset when I don’t want to go with his ideas. He tries to hide it, but I see it there. I hear Kiley in the bathroom still. I walk over, sliding onto his lap, straddling him.

  “Nate, are you upset with me?” I ask.

  His hands travel up my thighs, over my pants, until they slip under the hem of my shirt, gripping my waist. “If you don’t like what I had planned, Ri, that’s fine, but give me some other ideas.”

  His voice sounds sweet and gentle, but he plays people for a living, and I can’t help but question if he uses his abilities on me. I feel like I’m crazy at times. Maybe I’m making it up in my head. Creating false realities is something I’ve always been good at. The two of us together should make for a disastrous relationship, but I never feed into the mood swings and always appease him when I can. Sounds terrible, I know, but he’s never done anything for me to think he’s a bad guy. In fact, he’s done quite the opposite.

  “It’s not that I don’t like your idea, Nate. I just want the excitement to be over the fact that we are together, not the objects you’re buying us. I want to make memories together.” This time I brush my lips against his, shivering as his hands trail up my back.