Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  “Maybe we should have stayed in bed longer,” he says, against my lips.

  I slide off his lap when I hear Kiley coming up the hall. “How about we go to a park or something, and then get some ice cream? Since we woke up early, how about an early bedtime? I’m sure the fresh air will tire us out.”

  Kiley bounces into the room. “Where are we shopping today?”

  “We’re not. We’re actually gonna go to that park you love. It’s about time Nate sees some of our favorite things to do together.” Walking over, I grab Kiley’s hand and head toward our door. “Come on, Nate. Let’s go play.”

  When we reach the park, the sun is shining. It’s a brisk fall day and we have the park to ourselves, except for a man throwing a Frisbee to his dog.

  “Race you to the swings!” Kiley yells with excitement, as she takes off running.

  Taking off in a jog, I run fast enough to stay hot on her heels but slow enough to let her win.

  Kiley hops up onto the seat. “I win!”

  “You always win. I’ll never be able to run as fast as you.” I take a seat on the swing next to her, my sore muscles screaming at me. Every time I think of the workout that made me feel this bad, I think of Jon. One look at his face yesterday, and I was reminded of the fullness my heart felt every time he was around. I haven’t felt that kind of love for a man since then.

  I loved Kiley’s father, in a way, when she was conceived, but now that I’m older looking back, I was a fool. Looking at the smile on my daughter’s face, as Nate pushes her on the swing, reminds me that I would be that fool over and over again. Without my mistakes, I wouldn’t have her, and without her, I would be nothing.

  Nate’s smile is just as big. He’s good to us. Better than I deserve. Do I love him? Of course, but not in that earth-shattering, can’t live without you way. When you find a man who treats your daughter with the kind of respect he does, you keep him around. Besides, he’s safe.

  I’ve been in love once, and that love broke me. If it wasn’t for Kiley, I’m not sure I would have made it. I put all of my energy into being a healthy mommy to the baby that was growing in my belly. Kiley is my savior.

  The sound of her laughter catches my attention. My heart swells, watching her and Nate together. This is what I’ve always wanted for her, a complete family.

  We spend most of our day at the playground. It’s a day I will always remember, and later tonight I’ll show Nate how much I appreciate how he loves my family.

  ****

  My night was long. I didn’t get near the amount of sleep I needed, and now I’m back at the gym, my body more sore today than yesterday. I didn’t think Nate would ever be satisfied, but he was up early and out the door. Always the overachiever.

  I was calling Nate to wish him good morning, when my best friend, Reagan, dropped by unannounced, scaring the shit out of me. She has a bad habit of never knocking. I haven’t told her about Nate yet, and I’ve dodged the bullet of her stopping by while he’s there.

  I can’t bring myself to burden her with my life’s problems. I guess Nate’s not really a problem, but she only found out a couple months ago that her husband is dying. She needs me to be there for her. I was always the friend that overpowered the conversation, never asking about Rea and her struggles. I can’t take away from her right now.

  I push thoughts of Reagan away as I open the door of the gym. There’s a different vibe in here today as I enter. It’s packed compared to the other day. Music pulses through the gym, loud enough to get your blood pumping, but not loud enough to be a distraction. The sounds of clanking metal and grunting hit my ears.

  I feel intimidated being here today. These people are meant to be here. Suddenly my choice of pink yoga pants and white, loose-flowing top over my pink sports bra make me feel juvenile. My hair is pulled into a ponytail on the top of my head.

  I forgot this isn’t your typical gym. This is Mase’s place; people come here for a different type of workout. Fighting is in his blood and this place is set up to reflect that. I need to remember that the next time I decide to come here dressed like an eighties Barbie.

  I lock up my things in the ladies’ locker room and head back out to find Jon. I think I’m more nervous today than I was coming here the first time. I decide to walk around, since I’m early, instead of having the front page him. I don’t want to interrupt if he’s with another client.

  It doesn’t take me long to spot him, once I round the corner. I make it halfway to where he’s pounding away on a bag. Freezing in my tracks, I take in his sweaty form. I remember his body well from when we were teenagers. He was gorgeous back then, but now, I can’t even find words. I swallow thickly as I watch his bare feet dance on the floor with every jab. His skin stretches tautly over his muscles and is glistening while covered in sweat.

  My mouth goes dry and I can’t help but think of the past: the times I ran my hands over his smooth skin, feeling every dip and curve to his toned body. Every touch was meaningful. I fear I will never have that intense connection again. It’s what I have been desperately searching for, in all the wrong ways, giving my body to men that will show me the least bit of interest. Until Nate, but even the love I share with him doesn’t compare to what I shared with JT, or Jon, or whatever I’m supposed to call him now.

  I should go back to the dressing room and let him finish. He has another half hour before my session starts. I’ll just walk away. Like, right now, instead of standing here with my mouth on the floor. His body, though. That strength is something every woman looks for in a man. Okay, Ri, walk away. Hopefully, he will put a shirt back on when he’s done. And shoes. Even his bare feet are something to look at.

  Finally, I break myself from the trance. I turn and walk a couple steps before I hear my name.

  “Riley,” Jon calls.

  I take a deep breath; calming my erratic thoughts, then turn around.

  He’s walking in my direction. “Did you get tired of watching me already?”

  “Don’t be cocky.” I cross my arms over my chest. He can’t know I was checking him out. This can’t be about that.

  His eyes narrow. “Really, is that what I’m being?”

  “I know you, Jon. You and Mase were always cocky, especially when it came to fighting. I’m sure that hasn’t changed much over the years,” I reply.

  I brought up the past, right out of the gate. Damn it. I watch as his demeanor changes. He walked over here happy and almost playful. His face falls as soon as I mentioned knowing him. “I’m sorry. I…that…I just..”

  “Just leave it.” He waves his hand in front of me, dismissing my comment, then his eyes travel over my body and his face lights up again. “What in the hell are you wearing?”

  I look around, hoping no one heard him. My arms tighten around me.

  “I might be able to find you some bright neon sweatbands to complete the look.” He laughs.

  I’m starting to feel about two inches tall, as he stands there laughing at me. Being made fun of has never been something I could brush off easily. I knew after coming in here how stupid I looked. I stand out in this crowd, but having him point it out is making me uncomfortable. His eyes move back up to my face. I harden my expression. He can’t know he’s affecting me.

  “Are you done, now? I get it. I look like an idiot in here. I noticed as soon as I walked into the gym, but could you please not?” I know I look disgusted, even if that’s not what I feel, but he’d rather see me angry than upset. At least he used to.

  “I’m sorry, Ri, but this is the cutest outfit I’ve ever seen on you.” Jon turns, still laughing. “Come on let’s get started early. I want to get this over with.”

  I move my tight muscles, following behind him. “Do you want to shower and change first? You have time. I’ll just wai…”

  “Nope. I’m fine just like this.” He smiles back at me.

  His mood is different today, happy even. I’m not sure what brought on the change, but I won’t argue with him abo
ut it. I follow him over to where the heavy bags hang from the ceiling. “What are we doing?”

  He lines himself up behind a bag, holding it in his hands, and leaning around to see my reaction. “You’re gonna work the bag today.”

  He has to be kidding. “Can we do anything but this?”

  “No. You hired, oh wait, Nate hired me to train you. You’ll do the workout I have planned.” He walks around to stand next to me, looking down at my feet. “What kind of tennis shoes did you wear in here?”

  “They’re just shoes. I don’t know. It’s the only tennis shoe I own,” I reply.

  “Take them off,” he demands.

  “What? I’m not taking off my shoes.” He’s crazy. This is a public place.

  “You will. You can’t work out in those. Do they have a wedged heel? What the fuck is this?” His hand reaches out as he points down to my shoe, speaking loud enough for those around us to hear.

  “Will you stop? They’re those shoes everyone was wearing a few years ago. They’re supposed to help work your legs as you walk or some shit.” I walk over to a bench and remove them. I’d rather be barefoot than making a scene. “These are the only tennis shoes I own. I wore them the other day and you didn’t say a word.”

  “Yeah, well I was a little busy being blackmailed and listening to your fake apology.” His expression falls. He’s getting frustrated with me.

  I finish slipping off my shoes before I stand. “It wasn’t fake, Jon. You know I wouldn’t be here suffering through this if I weren’t serious about getting the truth out. You have all the reason in the world not to trust me after what I did. I get it. All I’m asking for is some time. I want you to know the truth behind my actions. Things weren’t clear to me back then. I am truly sorry for the hurt I caused you, and I will tell you that every day for the rest of my life until you believe me.”

  “Did you ever think that maybe I just want to move on? I don’t want to relive the past. I’m finally getting my life back.” He walks back over to the bag, lining himself up in front of it. “Come on, Ri. Let’s get started.”

  He brings it up only to shut me down. I’ll let it go today, but eventually, he’s going to talk to me about it. “Okay, fine. I won’t talk about it anymore while we’re here. You brought it up, though. I was just here to work out.”

  He lets out a frustrated laugh. “I’m sure you were, considering you just said differently.”

  “Of course, I am. How else do you think I stay in such good shape?” I ask.

  He shakes his head at me, his eyes roaming over my body. The heat in his eyes is still there, making my skin flush. It’s been years, and there has been a lot of hurt, but it’s still there. I used to melt every time he looked at me like that, and right now is no different. I may turn into a puddle on the floor.

  “Enough talking, let’s get started.” He raises his hands up and angles his body in front of the bag. His stance looks defensive, like he’s ready to strike at any moment. “See how my feet are setup and my hands are raised? I want you to come position yourself just like this, and then I’ll show you how to hit the bag properly.”

  I swallow down all the mixed-up emotions twirling in my stomach and follow his instruction. I’m nervous about hitting this bag, especially with a room full of people watching me. I’ve caught the stare of multiple men. I’ve ignored them to this point, but I know I’m about to catch their attention again. It’s inevitable. What man can resist a hot blonde in tight-ass yoga pants?

  Jon moves behind the bag, holding it in place. “We’re just gonna work on hitting the bag correctly right now. You want to hit it straight on, don’t bend your wrist. Real easy, show me what you got. Just give me a couple straight jabs.”

  Taking a deep breath, I punch the bag three times. “Like this?”

  “That’s good, but you don’t want to rotate your hand in, you want it flush with the bag when you make contact. Try using your other hand this time. Some people have a harder time with their non-dominant hand.” He stands still holding the bag, waiting for me.

  I’m standing just as he showed me, both raised fists, clenched in front of me. Gritting my teeth, I try the other hand. My heart is pounding ruthlessly in my chest. Just a couple months ago, I would be fawning over the attention from all the men in this room. I could have my pick. Dragging one of them off and releasing this nervous tension with a quick fuck in the locker room seems very appealing at this point.

  I fight the urge to flaunt in front of all the watchful eyes, hitting the bag with more force than I intended.

  “Hold up, girl. We’re just practicing form, take it easy for right now,” Jon says.

  My ears begin to ring as the pressure builds. Closing my eyes, I try to breathe through it. Being the center of attention has always caused me anxiety. I learned an unhealthy release. The high I felt, sleeping with random men, was something I can’t put into words. It was exciting and scary at the same time, but the release of endorphins when getting off always calmed my panicking mind.

  My stomach twists. I just need to stop the pressure building inside me. I place my hand on my chest as if I can press it all down.

  “Riley? What’s wrong?” Jon asks, stepping around the bag, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  I can’t speak. If I do it will all come out. I have to hold it in. It’s not about the release, it’s about the control. I can control it, but this is the worst anxiety attack I’ve felt since I started dating Nate. Putting myself in a room full of dicks, most more than willing to give me a good hard fuck and walk away, was probably a bad idea. All so I could see Jon. That just fixes one problem but is creating another. Is it worth it?

  I take a deep breath. “I have to go,” I say, quickly glancing at Jon before turning and walking away.

  I make it into the locker room. Just as I begin to open my locker to snatch out my belongings to leave, the door slams shut. I jump from the sound.

  “What the fuck was that?” Jon asks, anger evident in his voice.

  “I need to leave.” I stand still, staring straight ahead at the gray metal of the lockers.

  “Oh no, you’re going to explain. You don’t have some kind of a freak episode, out of nowhere, and then just walk away.” He moves closer as he speaks, our bodies moving in sync with one another until my back is pressed against the cold metal, and he is blocking me in with his arms.

  This is not good.

  “Please move, I need to leave.” My eyes bore holes in his chest, a very built and muscular chest. My mouth waters and I press my legs firmly together, fending off the urge pulsing through my core.

  His eyes travel my body, taking in my response. He sees it. My need. “What the fuck is happening, Ri?”

  Pressing myself firmly against the lockers, I fight to not press my lips to his and take all that I want.

  Jon runs his hand up and down my arm, trying to calm me, but I jump at his touch. His hands shoot up in defense.

  “Please don’t touch me,” I whisper, feeling ashamed this is happening in front of him.

  “Okay. Okay. I’ll back off,” he says, while backing away from me, hands still raised.

  He’s confused. I can see it, but I can’t stick around and explain.

  “Riley?” I turn my eyes up to his. “Don’t come back here. I don’t need your shit tainting my life again.”

  Snatching my belongings from the locker, I hightail it out of the gym. As soon as the fresh air hits my face, I take in a few deep breaths before heading to my car and driving home. I’m still worked up when I get there, but I can’t act on impulse.

  It would be simple to call Nate. He wouldn’t indulge me if he knew what was happening, but I could forget to mention it. Being with him would help, but it wouldn’t satisfy this need. Only a stranger can.

  Digging through my purse, I find my phone. Dialing the only number I can. I need to get through this.

  The other end of the line clicks. “Hello.”

  “Rea, I know you have a lot g
oing on but could we get together? It’s been a rough day.”

  It’s quiet for a moment. “Are you okay?”

  “Of course. I’m just having a bad day and I could really use a friend.” I won’t go into detail with her over the phone, if I even go into detail at all. I need to be Rea’s friend, Riley, keeping all of my life’s shit to myself, but being dismissed by Jon hurts more than I’m willing to acknowledge.

  “Come on over,” Rea says.

  I feel relief already. Having somewhere to go to distract myself is helpful, and I love Rea and her family. We’ve all moved past what happened between me and Striker. “I’ll pick Kiley up from her violin lesson and then I’ll be over.”

  “Ri?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Pick up a couple bottles of wine on your way. Sounds like we both could use it.”

  I smile to myself. “You got it. See you soon.”

  Nine

  Jon~the past

  I can’t wait to get out of this gym. We’ve been at it longer than usual tonight, and all I can think about is heading home, taking a shower and heading back out to see Ri.

  I sneak through her bedroom window as often as I can. I hate that it’s my only way to see her outside of school, but Dave’s a dick. I question the way he treats her and why she won’t stand up for herself.

  Slipping my feet into my untied sneakers, I snatch my bag from my locker and rush toward my car.

  “Hey, man! Where are you off to in a hurry?” Mase hollers as I rush past him.

  “Gotta get home to watch my brother,” I say over my shoulder, not slowing my pace.

  My four-year-old brother is the main reason I can’t see my girl every night. I get stuck home with him a lot because of the hours my parents work. My father works a swing shift and this is the first night he’s back on days. I love when he works an earlier shift. I’ll get to see Ri almost every night for the next two weeks.

  Hurrying home, I can’t help but think about getting to hold Ri. I try to restrain myself from taking things too far with her, and trust me; it takes a ton of restraint. I don’t want our first time together to be under this type of circumstance, with me climbing through her window. Plus, I don’t want her to be under Dave’s control.