I Hate To Love You

by J. P. Oliver

  “I’m close,” I warned, voice thin and airy.

  “Me, too,” he grunted as he snapped his hips into me.

  With three or four more deep, hard thrusts, we both came undone. We moaned into each other’s mouths, grasped onto one another as we rode out the high together. I was seeing stars, flooded with a sudden warmth that made my toes curl in the most delightful way. Liam pulled out of me and got up from the bed, removing the condom and tying it off before tossing it into the small plastic garbage bin in the corner of the room. He left momentarily for the bathroom, the sound of the bathroom sink hissing into the air. Liam returned just as quickly, carefully applying a warm damp cloth along my chest and stomach to wipe away the mess I’d made.

  He handled me gingerly, like I was some sort of precious cargo in need of dainty care. When he was finally satisfied, he returned to me, tossing the cloth to the side. Liam lay down beside me on the mattress, ran his fingers along my chest. He chuckled to himself when he inspected the tender spot he’d left on my neck.

  “Nice hickey,” he snorted.

  “Thanks,” I quipped.

  “Who left you that little treat?”

  I shrugged, smirking. “Some guy. You’d like him.”

  “I bet he’s handsome. And a sex god.”

  “He wishes.”

  Liam let out a mock gasp. “Ouch.”

  I laughed, rolling onto my side to face him fully. The afternoon sun flooded the room with orange and gold light, warming the still air that smelled faintly like old laundry, sweat, and sex.

  “Was it…” he started, suddenly looking very bashful. “Was it good for you?” he finally asked. My heart seized in my chest. How was it possible for him to be so fucking gorgeous and adorable at the same time?

  I leaned forward and kissed him on the tip of his nose. “Well,” I said, “let me see. You fucked me so good that I’m tired now.”

  “Fucked you so well,” he corrected.

  I playfully punched him in the shoulder as he laughed aloud. I rolled my eyes, stunned at how comfortable I was. It felt right to be here, laughing and joking as if we’d always been friends, as if nothing had ever been wrong. Maybe we could have gotten here sooner, to this warmth and familiarity. But that was then, and this was now. There was no sense in thinking about the past when the future looked so good.

  Liam brushed his fingers through my hair, smiling fondly at me. “If you’re tired, take a nap, baby.”

  There it was again. Baby. I could get used to him calling me that.

  “Okay,” I said softly. “But prepare yourself to have another round.”

  Liam pressed his lips to my forehead and took a deep breath. “Whatever you want. We’ve got all night.”

  I liked the sound of that.

  14

  Liam

  Mason Neal had the stamina of a bunny. We must have gone at least three more rounds before he finally tuckered out. We stayed up into the early hours of the morning, wrestling and kissing and hugging and fucking until we had fallen asleep in each other’s arms at some point or another, surrounded by a tangle of blankets and a mess of pillows. I woke up with the sun, having forgotten –or more accurately, was too busy– to close the curtains. The sun peeked through, damn near blinding me as it rose over the horizon. But despite the intrusive light, I was blissed out of my mind. Never in a million years would I have expected to wake up next to Mason and be so utterly happy about that fact.

  He had trapped my arm beneath him, head resting on my shoulder. I thought he looked like an angel, especially in this lighting. The gentle glow of the rising sun highlighted the chocolatey brown tones of his hair, danced off his long and full eyelashes. A part of me wanted to let him sleep, but the other part of me wanted to wake him so that we could enjoy the morning together. I decided against the latter when he let out a soft sigh and stretched, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. He must have been dreaming, and it had me absolutely melting.

  I contemplated closing my eyes and falling back to sleep, but my stomach growled loudly. Mason was probably going to be hungry, too, especially after the night we had. I supposed it couldn’t hurt to try and attempt to make breakfast. I carefully slipped my arm out from under him and got up, throwing my legs over the edge of the bed. I shivered against the chilly morning air, but quickly got to my feet. I found a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt on the floor and threw them on, quietly making my way to the kitchen.

  My fridge was a bit sad. I wasn’t much of a cook. Save for two eggs, a questionable green pepper, and half an onion, there really wasn’t that much to eat. I hummed quietly to myself, wondering if I should just go the extra mile and have something delivered. Maybe I could pop out for a bit, grab something from the bakery across the road, and be back before Mason even noticed I was gone.

  But my thoughts were interrupted by three sharp knocks at my front door. I frowned, confused. I wasn’t expecting anybody. Shuffling down the hall, I listened carefully. Whoever was at my door, they were adamant about getting my attention. A tic of annoyance had me clench my jaw. If they kept this up, they’d wake Mason up for sure, and that was the last thing I wanted for him right now. I looked into the door’s peephole, but found that the stranger on the other side had placed a finger over the lens, blocking my vision.

  Red flag.

  “Who is it?” I called.

  “Is Mason here?” came a man’s voice.

  Something didn’t sit right with me. Alarm bells were going off in my mind. I didn’t know who this guy was, didn’t know what he wanted. And I had no idea how he knew Mason was here.

  “You’ve got the wrong place,” I muttered, hoping to dissuade the man.

  “That’s a lie.” I didn’t like his tone. “His car’s been parked outside this building all night.”

  Another red flag. Who the fuck was this guy?

  He started pounding on the door, relentless and manic. The frame of the apartment door started to shake, echoing loudly as he started to scream.

  “Mason?” he exclaimed. “Mason! Answer me!”

  I opened the door a half inch to see who the hell I was dealing with. The man tried to barge his way in, but the chain was still on the door. My stomach did a flip when I laid eyes on him. It was the same guy from the subway platform. His eyes were wide and red from lack of sleep. His hair was a tousled mess.

  “Mason!” he shouted. “Who the fuck do you think you are, cheating on me?”

  “What?” I snapped.

  “You,” he hissed. “You slept with my boyfriend, motherfucker.”

  I felt like the floor beneath my feet had shifted, leaving me uncomfortably unbalanced and at risk of falling over. Mason had a boyfriend? That was impossible. Surely he would have told me. Mason just didn’t seem like that kind of guy. None of this made sense. I didn’t understand what was going on. A terrible pang ached in my chest as the air was knocked out of my lungs. As confused and angry as I felt, I still didn’t want this guy bursting into my apartment. There was a crazed look in his eye, like he was ready to hurt someone.

  “You need to fucking leave,” I warned.

  “Mason! How could you do this to me?”

  “I don’t know what your problem is, but I have no idea who Mason is.”

  “You’re lying. I saw you kiss him yesterday. I should fucking kill you.”

  I felt all the blood drain from my face and pool in my feet. He saw us? He was there? How long had he been following us? What was he planning to do?

  “Mason isn’t here,” I stressed. “You can either leave now, or I’ll call the cops and have them take care of you.”

  The man sneered. “Do you really think threatening to call the cops is going to scare me?”

  Red flag, red flag, red flag.

  “Mason isn’t here,” I said one last time. “His car’s out of gas, so he left it. He had to go home to get ready for work last night. Left out the backdoor. He’s not here.”

  The man huffed, nostrils fla
red. He clenched his fists together into two tight little balls, staring me down like some sort of bird of prey. “I’ll be back,” he hissed as he turned to leave.

  “You better fucking not!” I yelled after him.

  But he was already gone.

  I slammed the door shut and deadbolted it, hands shaking so hard from the adrenaline that coursed through me. My head was spinning so badly that I felt like I was about to puke. What just happened? I shakily drifted back to the bedroom, slowly opening the door. My eyes widened to find the bed vacant. I frantically looked around the room, trying to find some sign, some indication of where Mason might have gone. I held my breath long enough to hear a shaky sob from behind the closet door.

  “Mason?”

  “Y-yeah?”

  I poked my head around the doorframe to find Mason on the floor, sitting with his head between his legs. He looked pale and small, curled in on himself like he was trying to hide from the world. I’d never seen him so scared before. It was weird, really, to know that he was more than capable of standing on his own against people like Frank. Whoever this guy was, he clearly meant business. I crouched down in front of him, unsure if it was all right to touch him or not.

  “Who was that?” I asked softly.

  Mason dragged his hands over his face, licked his lips nervously. “Shawn.”

  “He said you cheated on him,” I mumbled, trying not to sound too accusatory. I didn’t have the full picture. Shawn was clearly unhinged. There was no way I was going to take his word for it. “Is he your boyfriend?”

  “No,” he managed. “He’s… He’s just an ex, Liam. Please, believe me.” There was fear in his eyes. Fear and desperation.

  I reached for him, placing my hands firmly on his shoulders. I ducked my head so I could look Mason in the eye. “I believe you,” I confirmed. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “He was always like that. No matter what I told him, if he was suspicious of me –for whatever reason– he’d never listen. He always assumed I was lying.”

  “I’m not Shawn. Okay?”

  Mason nodded, though he didn’t seem entirely convinced. “O-okay.”

  “Did he… Did he ever hurt you?” I had to swallow at the bitter bile that threatened to shoot up my throat. The very thought had me livid. I remembered how Shawn clenched his fists, how he gritted his teeth. I thought about how relentless he’d been trying to get to Mason. It didn’t exactly take a genius to put two and two together. Shawn was an angry person. Angry people sometimes needed to vent.

  Mason was scared for a reason.

  “N-no,” he answered eventually, much to my relief. “No, he never hurt me. But…” A nervous chuckle bubbled from his lips. He tried smiling, like he was trying to convince me that he was all right, but I could see past it.

  “But what?”

  “I was scared that he would. That’s why I left.” Mason shivered at the memory. “It started out with little things. Things I didn’t really notice or care about. He’d always ask me where I was going, or who I was hanging out with. When I was on the phone with Drew or my brother, he’d always ask who it was. It didn’t seem too out of the ordinary.”

  I sat myself down next to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into me. I hated this, the way he couldn’t stop shaking. All I could do was hold him tight as I pressed kisses into his hair.

  “He started telling me how to dress,” he continued. “I thought it was just him trying to be nice. Making a helpful suggestion, you know? But then he’d start telling me what to order when we went out to dinner. Or he’d get really upset with me when I got home from work late. Before I knew it, I felt like I was suffocating. And when I’d complain, when I’d tell him he needed to give me space, he made me feel guilty about it. He made it sound like I was the one being an asshole.”

  “Jesus,” I hissed. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, tried to keep my anger in check.

  “It got to the point where everything I did seemed wrong to him. The meals I cooked, the people I surrounded myself with. We were always fighting about the stupidest things. He’d get angry and break stuff. He’s put his fist through my walls more times than I can count. I was texting Drew one night and Shawn straight up snatched my phone out of my hands and chucked it across the room. I know I shouldn’t have let things get as bad as they did, but he always told me he’d change. He told me it’d never happen again.”

  Mason let out a shaky breath before he continued.

  “One day he pressured me into making our bank accounts joint. He said it would just be easier to pay bills that way. But I knew I couldn’t go through with it, no matter how much he tried to guilt me. I knew if he gained control of my finances, there’d really be no way out. I remember thinking about leaving. Just leaving. I wanted to buy a one-way plane ticket to California, far from here. And that’s when I realized if he could see my account statements, he’d know immediately that I was trying to make a run for it. There’d be no escape. I had the locks changed while he was at work. I threw all his shit to the curb, and I ended things. He… He didn’t take me breaking up with him very well.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, pressing my lips into his temple.

  “God, I’ve got a lot of baggage,” he realized as he sighed to himself. “You sure you want to get involved with someone like me?”

  “What do you mean?” I frowned.

  “Alcoholic father, stalker ex-boyfriend,” he chuckled pathetically. “I wouldn’t even want to deal with me, if I were you.”

  “Well, you’re not me,” I concluded firmly. “And we all have baggage. I’ve got homophobic parents and an inferiority complex. Who am I to judge?”

  “I was trying to figure out how to get a restraining order,” he moved on. “But I’m worried that a piece of paper won’t stop a guy like Shawn. And besides, I don’t know that I can afford to file one.”

  Mason laughed weakly into the crook of my neck. A quiet moment passed between us, the calm, warm air finally settling our nerves a bit.

  “I have a question,” I said clearly, but hesitantly.

  “What is it?”

  “Are you scared of me?”

  Mason shifted in his spot to look me curiously in the eye. He frowned, obviously displeased and concerned. “What?”

  “Are you scared of me?” I repeated. “Given our history, I mean. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me just because we slept together.”

  “Where’s this coming from?”

  “You know exactly where it’s coming from, Mason. I was… I was a bully. I pushed you around. I treated you poorly. I regret it. But I would hate to think that, somewhere deep down, you’re worried I’d end up being just like Shawn.”

  Mason grabbed my face with his hands on both cheeks. He stared me down, adamant in his resolve. His wonderfully icy eyes searched mine, looked for an answer that wasn’t immediately clear to me. There was hesitation behind his expression as he contemplated hard. That was just like him, Mr. Brainiac. I didn’t exactly blame him for taking his time to respond, but held my breath in anticipation anyways.

  “I think you’ve changed,” he insisted. There was nothing but warmth in his eyes, and the small smile he gave me was enough to melt my heart. “I’m not scared of you, Liam. I promise.”

  “I just… Why me? You could do so much better, and I–”

  He cut me off with an abrupt kiss, forcing me to swallow my own words. He laughed gently when he pulled away, smiling even brighter than before.

  “Do you want to give us a chance?” he asked in a hushed tone.

  “I do.”

  “Then let’s make a promise. I promise to tell you the moment I feel uncomfortable.”

  “I’d never want to make you uncomfortable.”

  “I know. I know you wouldn’t. But nevertheless, I promise. And in return, I want you to promise me that you’ll stop looking down on yourself. I meant what I said earlier. You’re a great guy. You should be proud of how f
ar you’ve come, no matter what your shithead father thinks.”

  I could have stayed hidden with Mason forever. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this safe, this loved and appreciated. This was just between us, a promise made in the quiet of the afternoon. Nobody could bother us here, could intrude on this soft, intimate moment that was just for us. Mason really was an angel, and I was disappointed beyond words that I didn’t realize sooner.

  “I promise,” I finally said.

  Mason kissed my forehead, tender and sweet. I lifted Mason’s chin with the tip of my fingers. There was still a bit of worry hiding behind his otherwise calm expression.

  “He’s not going to hurt you,” I assured him. “Get the restraining order. That way, if he ever shows up again, you can call the cops and they’ll put him away. There’s no way he’ll get to you again. And luckily for you, I happen to know a pair of very talented lawyers who will definitely help you for free.”

  “Who?”

  I smiled. “I think we should give Philip and Tommy a call.”

  15

  Mason

  In all honesty, I thought they’d judge me. I couldn’t shake the worry, the awful weight of dread from off my shoulders. When we walked into the lawyer’s office, I unconsciously held my breath as we passed over the threshold. It smelled a little musty in the cramped office, but it was brightly lit and exceptionally clean. Philip and Tommy must have been going for a super professional library-type look.

  “Yeah, there was definitely no way I would have won our little drinking game,” I muttered to myself.

  “They don’t really seem like lawyer material, huh?” chuckled Liam.