Lover of the Light

by Sydney Taylor

  "Some friend," I mutter through clenched teeth.

  "She's not, though." Audrey laughs without humor, shaking her head in disbelief. "I never really knew her until I moved here. We always sort of talked through social media, but she never really pretended to be a friend to me until a few months ago. She invited me to come to Casper's party. She ditched me, obviously, which wasn't a big deal at the time because… you know, I met you."

  I smile through my anger.

  She rubs the bump, looking contemplative as she turns to me. "At least I won't have to cheer next school year." Brightside smiles because she found the light in her latest predicament. "That's good."

  I start picking at the blue rug on my floor. "Your cousin is a bitch."

  I mean… it's the truth.

  I think about how much I freaked when she left for Chicago, and it's all because of Lainey. It really is all because of Lainey that she left in the first place, Audrey couldn't have gotten there on her own. Maybe I would've had more time to convince her to stay if Lainey hadn't helped her, I could've convinced her to stay.

  I don't know what Lainey was thinking when she helped Audrey, but I wonder if she knew Audrey would get in trouble for it. I wonder if she knew that Audrey was leaving to see Hannah, or if she thought it was to run away from me.

  But… would I have met Brightside if it weren't for Lainey being selfish?

  "Unfortunately, she is." She checks her phone and sighs disappointedly. "I have to go home."

  "I'm happy you can come over now," I whisper, wishing I knew how to sound more appreciative and less like a mouse. "I missed your face."

  She smiles too, a laugh threatening to escape. "I missed your face, too."

  I stand and grab her hands to help her from the floor. After hoisting her up, she sends me a smile and stretches to peck me on the lips. I kiss her chastely, short and simple. I have so much on my mind, but I missed her and these lips just as much.

  Resting my forehead against hers, I breathe evenly. She has her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. I can feel the bump between us, bigger than the last time I hugged her like this.

  I don't know how I feel about it; just that it calls to my attention. I'm always aware of it. There's a baby boy in there, and it's a part of me and Audrey. She's right, he's my world right now. That's why we're doing this. For him.

  We're giving him a new beginning.

  Chapter 27

  August 10th, 2012

  11:24 a.m.

  "We've done this a few times before, so we're a little nervous," Nancy says in a shaky voice. "Well, I am anyway. I can't say the same for silent guy over here. By the way, you can call me Nance, and my husband, Timothy, goes by Tim. Do you go by any nicknames?"

  Melissa and Audrey try to talk at the same time, but I beat them to it. "We're just Blake and Audrey."

  They don't get to call her Brightside. That's my thing.

  "Just Blake and Just Audrey. Got it." Tim smirks, combing a hand through his groomed hair. His wife, seated next to him on the couch, sighs, but none of us can really seem to relax.

  Nancy is dressed like a woman I saw in a Dillard's catalog once. Her husband is dressed similarly; khakis, dress shirt, nice shoes, and clean-cut hair.

  I wonder if Tim and Nance wear slacks to bed.

  I'm not really nervous, but I don't think I'm as bad as Audrey or Melissa right now. In a roomful of anxious people, I almost feel at ease with knowing Nance and Tim aren't trying to sell themselves to us. They want our baby, and they don't want to mess this up. It means they care.

  They have a comfortable villa home just outside of Terrance. It's isolated, but not so far from town that they couldn't get help if needed. The forest is their backyard, and I keep thinking that there's enough room here for the athlete in Audrey's womb to run free… and get lost.

  These are the things we have to think about: Would the baby be safe here?

  "Um…" Audrey clears her throat, and I turn to see her moving to the edge of her seat on the couch beside me. "You said you've done this a few times before?"

  Nance's lips part and close, part, and close, before she looks to her husband. "We have," she admits, turning back to us. "With two other girls."

  "Oh," Audrey whispers. "Excuse me if I'm stepping over the line here, but… do you know why they never called back?"

  "Oh, both of them called back," Tim speaks up, his voice cracking. He clears his throat and shakes his head. "One of them even signed the papers."

  Audrey's eyebrows knit together.

  I look to them questioningly, my curiosity getting the best of me.

  What happened?

  Nance has a tight, timid smile. "In Iowa, you have up to a week to change your mind about adoption."

  "So, you moved here," Melissa concludes, tilting her head to us. "They don't have any time to change their minds here, once she signs the papers."

  "No, we moved here to get closer to Nancy's family," Tim informs us, reaching over to rub his wife's shoulder. "We met at Clarke. I'm from Iowa, but Nancy's family actually lives here in Texas. We aren't trying to get an attorney involved."

  "I'm the only lawyer here, and I'm not an adoption attorney." Nance looks between the three of us. "We really would like to get to know you better before we discuss any legal technicalities. We know how difficult this decision is, and we want you to know that we're open to anything. If you want a closed adoption, or semi-open, or a completely open adoption, we're up for anything."

  "I'm still a little confused," Melissa mutters, shaking her head. "I mean, why not involve an attorney now?"

  Nance releases a soft sigh. "We know how intimidating it can seem, and we don't want to make that worse by involving a lawyer in this quite yet. This decision is completely up to you, and we wouldn't ask for you to sign anything until we knew you well enough to tell that this is going to be… legitimate." She looks to Audrey. "You might find yourself changing your mind, Audrey. I don't want to take that right away from you. We want a baby who belongs to us, and it won't mean the same with a mother out there missing him. He is a boy, right?"

  Audrey has a small smile. "How'd you know?"

  "It was just a guess. My sister has six kids." She scoffs and smiles, seeming contemplative. "You can usually tell, though. A boy…"

  "Is that okay?" Brightside raises a brow. "I mean we could always go back and try again, but I can't guarantee anything."

  Melissa scowls at her daughter, and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at her dry joke, all the while turning red from embarrassment.

  "Oh my goodness, no!" Nance exclaims through a laugh. "We don't have a preference, although I think Tim is secretly hoping for a boy."

  Tim laughs, giving his shoulders a slight shrug. "What man doesn't want a son?"

  I drop my eyes to the floor, taking a deep breath.

  "Uh… actually, Blake and I wrote down some questions we'd like to ask," Audrey announces at my side. "If that's okay?"

  "Of course," Nance says, her tone understanding.

  "You don't have to answer them now, we'd actually prefer if you thought about these first…" Audrey sighs through puffed cheeks as she digs into her shoulder bag for the list. It was Audrey's idea, although we were up throughout last night writing all our concerns out on paper. We didn't want to risk not having our questions answered. There were too many.

  "So, you can just read these later if you want." She leaves my side to hand the folded piece of paper to Nancy.

  "Oh, okay." She nods, taking the paper from Audrey. She cracks a smile and sets the sheet on her lap. "Absolutely. I'm flattered by the effort you're making to get to know us, many people don’t bother to give homework assignments."

  Audrey sits next to me again and I find her hand immediately.

  "These kids have hearts of gold," Melissa tells them, sending me a wink over her shoulder. "They want to be as thorough as possible."

  Nance and Melissa start talking about the rarity of
kids with good intentions, and Tim compliments my Cold War Kids shirt. He tells me that I have good taste, and I find it kind of hard not to like him after that.

  I turn to check on Audrey and feel my face fall when I see her unfocused eyes. She's deep in thought, biting onto her lip as her eyes travel around the room aimlessly. I feel as though I've seen this look before.

  Doubt.

  I've known her for five months, but I've spent each moment learning her every expression. I wish I could say that I can read her like a book, but I've only seen her like this once before.

  Nance and Tim ask if we want anything to drink. I decline, and Melissa asks for a water purified by reverse osmosis, because everyone knows what that means. It's basically just bottled water, but the baking soda fanatic only knows scientific terms that even confuse lawyers.

  Audrey's head snaps up when Tim asks her a second time. "Oh." She laughs nervously. "Um… water is good."

  "Reverse osmosis with that?" he jokes, and I'm surprised when Melissa laughs. She usually takes this seriously. One time she sat me down for an hour just to explain the importance of drinking purified water because the radiation levels in our town's water supply have skyrocketed over the last three years.

  I don't drink tap water anymore.

  "Yeah." She laughs. It sounds soft, uneasy.

  As soon as Tim and Nance are gone, I turn to her.

  "I think we should leave."

  From the corner of my eye, I see Melissa’s head snap in my direction. She looks from me, to her daughter, and back.

  "What?" Audrey asks, her eyebrows pushing together to create a crease on her forehead. "Why? Because Tim said those things about those girls changing their minds?"

  "No," I protest, shaking my head. "This isn't about Tim, Audrey. This is about you."

  She continues to shake her head. "I told you I'm ok—"

  "Stop telling me that you're okay!" I snap my mouth closed as soon as I yell at her, realizing that I just lost my temper with the girl who makes everything a little brighter.

  She stands up from the couch and turns to me. For the first time since I’ve known her, her eyes dull with disappointment and anger toward me. "You don't have any idea how hard this is for me, do you? Do you think anyone really wants to give their baby away, Blake? I'm sorry if I'm not jumping for joy at the thought of giving away the life that you and I made, it's a little fucking hard for me."

  "Audrey," Melissa whispers in a scolding tone, her eyes widening in disbelief.

  Swallowing the sour taste in my mouth, I shake my head vehemently. "Then why would you tell me that you're okay, Audrey?"

  Fist balled at her sides, Audrey looks at me through furious, tear-filled eyes.

  "Because I am." Her voice strains, and I feel my chest tighten.

  I breathe through my nose and clench my teeth, glancing up at the ceiling. I wish I could tell what she's thinking. Just this once, I want inside her head, just to know that she's telling the truth.

  Doubt has never seemed so all-consuming.

  Breathing deeply, I close my eyes momentarily and tell myself something I think my father would say.

  Patience. Patience is better… He'd say something about fucking patience.

  I open my eyes again. Audrey has her hands shoved in the pocket of her hoodie. Staring down at the floor through wet lashes, she licks her lips and wipes her cheek with the sleeve.

  "I'm not changing my mind," she whispers, unable to meet my eyes. "I just want to do what's best for everybody."

  I nod, but I don't know if I believe her anymore.

  Doubt is telling me: What if we can't do what's best for everybody?

  "Honey…" Melissa shakes her head, her eyes narrowed but filled with concern. "No one is asking you to do what's best for everybody. You should do what's best for you."

  I take one more deep breath and push myself off the couch.

  "Audrey… I'm sorry." Wrapping my arms around her, I relax as I feel her body pressed against mine. I push my nose to the crook of her neck, inhaling lavender-and-French-vanilla hair scents. I listen to the muffled sound of her breathing into my shirted shoulder. Her warmth melts cold tension and doubt ebbs when she takes fistfuls of my shirt, holding me closer to her. "I know this is hard for you. I'm sorry. I wish I could make this easier."

  "I don't know what's wrong with me, Blake," she whispers, her voice cracking. "I feel like I'm going crazy. It's not your fault, I just..."

  I pull back and hold her face in my hands. "You're not going crazy. You're okay, it's okay."

  This is the only thing of which I am certain.

  Melissa stands and meets us, placing her hand on Audrey's shoulder, looking worriedly between me and her daughter. Audrey pulls away, looks at her mom, and quickly wipes at her cheek. "I'm sorry, Mom."

  "Baby…" Melissa reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind Audrey's ear. "You are so vulnerable to everything you're feeling right now, but no one is forcing you to do anything. You know that, right?"

  Audrey looks to Melissa and wipes at her red cheeks again, sniffling through the sleeve of her shirt.

  "Yeah," she breathes out, dropping her gaze to the floor. "I don't want to leave. I want this… I like Nancy, and Tim has great hair."

  "Okay," Melissa whispers. She nods, pushing Audrey's bangs away from her face. After a moment, she seems to accept her answer.

  She continues to nod, cracking a smile. "He does have good hair."

  I roll my eyes, stepping back as I hear Tim and Nancy reenter the room. They give us bottles of water approved by Melissa, and Nance tells us how they were searching for them in their pantry. I take Audrey's hand again before we sit on the couch together.

  She sighs, looking at our entwined hands as Nance and Tim tell us about the first time they met, but I'm not listening anymore. Not really. I'm watching her, and not much has changed, because I still can’t tell what she’s thinking.

  She meets my eyes and curves the corners of her lips as she gives my hand a light squeeze. It tells me that she's okay, but it's not enough. I don't know what to do… so I hold her hand, because okay has to be enough. It is what it is, even if I don't know what “it” is anymore.

  I take a deep breath, turning my attention back to Nance and Tim.

  I don't let go of her hand until we get in the car to drive back to Harrison.

  Chapter 28

  August 16th, 2012

  10:32 a.m.

  Goodbyes are supposed to hurt, but no goodbye hurts more than the moment I say goodbye to my brother.

  While I know I am being selfish, I wish he would stay. I need Chase. I need his support. I need the moments when he intrudes on my personal space to force me into situations I’m uncomfortable with and end up not regretting. I need our late night runs to get burgers and the times he lets me vent to him while we’re playing video games.

  I want him to forget about college and stay home, but I also know that Chase won't be truly happy until he's long gone.

  Chase once told me that people who stay here after high school usually end up staying forever. This town is a trap, and people like my mom will always be stuck in it. I don't want to think that this will be where my mom is for the rest of her life, but a part of me believes that maybe he's right.

  I don't think it's the town we live in, I think it's the memories. What happens here sticks with the people within, it's like an airborne disease. There's only so much a person can take, and maybe that is what drove my mother to start drinking. She could never move on. It's just a theory, but maybe we’re not entirely wrong. Maybe some people can move on.

  "Can I ask for a favor?" Chase asks me as he shoves the last bag in the backseat of his car.

  Squinting against the blazing sun, I cup my hand around my eyes and respond with a wary nod.

  "Don't break any windows while I'm gone." He winks.

  I flip him off, but I feel a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

  "Who the fuck do I pitch to now?"
I joke, but it sounds more aggressive than I intend it to.

  "Uh..." He tilts his head to the lawn. To her.

  My girlfriend stands in the grass with bare feet, sipping on a fountain soda she picked up on the way over here. Her wavy hair is more red than brown today, sun-shiny, unkempt, and beautiful as always.

  She glances up from her drink and half-smiles at me, just as sad about Chase and Hailee's departure as I am.

  "Uh, I don't think she wants to play baseball, dude," I joke, although I don't think that's what he’s suggesting.

  Chase scoffs, rolling his eyes. "No, I meant that you should open up to her. You can call me whenever, but Sunshine is your girl. Talk to her, you know? You stress out too much, it's not good for you."

  I manage a one-shouldered shrug. "I don't think I'm stressing."

  He purses his lips thoughtfully. "You're happier than you were, I'll give you that. You were killing me with that emo phase. Thought I was going to strangle you."

  I point to myself, shaking my head. "Emo? When was I emo?"

  He smirks knowingly, like he’s saying “come on.” "You were depressed, man… I know you probably don't realize it, but before her"—he jabs his thumb towards the lawn—"you were going through something. It was only a matter of time before Mom sent you to a shrink."

  I feel my eyebrows push together, taken aback by this information. "Uh… What?"

  He shrugs, pursing his lips. "Maybe she wouldn't have, but something had to happen. Your grades, your attitude, staying out late… she started getting worried."

  I open my mouth, ready to defend myself, but shut it just as quickly.

  I realize then that Chase's right. There were a few times Mom tried to talk to me, but I always shut her out.