Lover of the Light

by Sydney Taylor

  I shut everyone out.

  Until Audrey.

  Depressed, though?

  "Hey, don't overthink it. All I'm saying is, don't stop talking to Audrey. Let her know what's going on in that head of yours. You have so much happening, and I'm sure the adoption thing isn't easy on either of you guys. You just let all this shit get to your head and you start worrying too much. I get it, I do the same thing. But you gotta talk it out, man."

  That's an understatement.

  “Isn't easy.” would be putting it mildly. It makes Audrey sad that she's giving up a baby she and I made. It freaks me out that we're really giving him up to strangers.

  Nance and Tim aren't exactly strangers to us anymore. We're pretty sure they're not baby mongers, but I'm still a little paranoid by the concept. I read a few stories on Reddit about people giving up their child for open adoptions, only for the adoptive parents to go missing off the face of the earth after the papers were signed.

  I shudder at the thought.

  "I will," I promise, clearing my throat. "I mean, we talk all the time. It just... gets tense, quick."

  Audrey gets defensive about the baby. She thinks I'm accusing her of not being sure about the adoption, but I'm almost sure she isn't.

  No one ever is.

  I also learned this from the internet. Most women change their minds constantly. There's so much doubt that comes with placing your baby up for adoption.

  "Keep calm," he says, shrugging. "I don't know if I would be as calm on the outside as you are, Blake."

  I nod as he wraps his arms around my shoulders to pull me into a tight hug. Clearing my throat, I reply in a throaty whisper, "I will."

  I hug Chase three times, each one seemingly longer than the last. I really wish he could stay, but he won't be happy until he and Hailee are free and far from town and doing their own thing.

  Hailee hugs Audrey for a long time. They cry, and it almost makes me choke up a little too. I'll miss Hailee, even if she's annoying and has no concept of personal space.

  When she gets to me, she smiles and ducks her head as she reaches around her torso to pull her cross-body bag around. "I'm not a stalker, I swear."

  Confused, I furrow my brows as she digs into her bag for something. She pulls out a small picture and holds it out to me.

  "Uh..." I hold my hands out, ready to reject whatever weird gift she's about to give me. Every time Hailee has a gift for me, it's something stupid, like a gum wrapper or a picture of Chase's nose. Which, yeah, she gives me often.

  "Just take it," she urges, shoving the picture to my chest. I take it from her and she waves a dismissive hand. "The camera went off at the wrong time."

  I nod. I'm sure it did.

  "Can I hug you now?" she asks.

  I nod again.

  "Will you freak out?"

  I shake my head.

  She grins and steps forward, wrapping her arms around mine to hug me tightly. "I love you, Blake."

  I frown, sad that she's actually leaving. "I love you too, punk."

  She whispers that she left the last of her stash in my bedroom and I roll my eyes. Pulling back, she holds two fingers up to sign peace. "Toke up, brother."

  I snort loudly. "Uh."

  I'm cut off by a loud sob. I turn toward the noise and see my mom hugging Chase's burly shoulders, her head buried in his chest. Chase promises to call her often which seems to make mom feel better, stepping back to wipe her face. Audrey walks over to my mom and offers her a napkin she had wrapped around her soda. She smiles, teary-eyed, and takes it from her. "Thanks, baby."

  Brightside nods and takes sluggish steps in my direction. When she finally reaches me, she pinches me on my cheek, forcing me to smile. "You okay?"

  I nod as she shoves her arms beneath mine and rests her head on my chest. I feel the bump push against me and sigh through my nose. "I'm okay. What about you?"

  Audrey's brother left for Chicago last week, and I was sort of depressed about that, too. I'm not sure if the long-distance brolationship thing works out or not. I hope so, because I'm already missing Benjamin and Chase.

  "I'm good," she chimes, flashing me a warm smile. "I'm really going to miss them, though. You have an amazing family, Blake."

  "I do," I agree with her. We're a little messed up at times, but they really are amazing. I guess I didn't really appreciate them much until I realized how accepting and supportive they could be. Most of all, my mother.

  It wasn't that she never accepted me before, I just hadn't really given her a chance to. There's so much I tell my mother now that I wouldn't a few months ago.

  Hailee blows Audrey twenty kisses as she gets into the driver's seat, and Chase has to convince Mom he'll call her every day and let her know he's safe before she lets go. I watch as he gets in the car, already missing him as he starts hollering about college and parties.

  "Oh boy," Mom mutters through a sigh, watching her son pull off. "My baby is leaving..."

  "He'll be back, Mel" Audrey murmurs. "Soon. For holidays and stuff."

  "Ugh," Mom groans, dropping her hands to her side. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you kids here. You make me feel young. I'll have to pick up shifts at the hospital or something to distract myself."

  Audrey's face brightens up, her shoulders squaring. "You know what you need?"

  Mom eyes the girlfriend warily.

  Audrey has a classic mischievous smile. "You need a man."

  Mom scoffs immediately, and I feel my eyes grow wide.

  "How about not?" I blurt, but Audrey doesn't listen to me. She walks over to my mom's side, grinning widely.

  "Come on, Mel..." She sways, rubbing Mom's shoulder. "It'll be good for you to go on a date. We can set you up with some stud online."

  "No!" I shake my head vehemently. "Absolutely not—"

  "It doesn't have to be on the internet, Blake." She rolls her eyes at me and turns back to Mom. "Have you thought about dating at all? It could be fun."

  Judging by her expression, she hasn't. "Oh sweetheart," Mom mumbles, shaking her head. "I'm too old for that, and I could never..."

  I realize then that my mom really hasn't dated anyone since my dad died. The only men in her life have been Chase and me. She hasn't really been social, either. She only speaks to my aunt from time to time, but for the most part, it's been just us.

  Audrey is right. This could be good for her.

  "I'm not saying that you should just throw yourself at anyone, but I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Audrey purses her lips thoughtfully, her eyebrows drawing together as she watches Mom. "You can always just go on one date and see if you like it. And I'm sure Christopher wouldn't mind. He'd want you to be happy."

  I can hardly believe the words as they escape my mouth. "She's right, Mom. Dad would want you to be happy."

  Mom snaps her head to me, her eyes wild with shock. "I-I..." she stutters momentarily, closing her eyes as she shakes her head. She takes a deep breath and reopens her eyes, giving Audrey a timid smile. "I'll think about it."

  Her eyes flick to me and I force myself to smile, giving her an encouraging nod. "You should."

  She crosses her arms and tilts her head to the side. "No one could ever replace your father."

  I nod.

  I know that.

  "It's so hard for me to think about, but I'll consider it."

  I nod again.

  Know that, too.

  "Yes!" Audrey pumps her first in the air. "Oh, and can I do your hair, too?"

  Mom laughs, nodding. Audrey lets out an excited noise, clapping. I feel my eyebrows push together, amused that she finds this so exciting. I guess it's a chick thing?

  Mom goes back inside, and Audrey has a victorious smile, as if she feels like she's done her good deed for the day. She returns to my side and I make a comment about her lack of footwear.

  "My feet hurt," she complains, shrugging. "What's that? In your hand."

  I feel my face fall when I realize I'm s
till holding the picture Hailee handed me before she left. I lift it to my eyes to examine it and nearly drop it as soon as I do.

  It's a picture of Brightside and me on March 16th. The night we met. I'm not looking at the camera, and neither is she, but we're both smiling at each other. We look awkward, a little drunk, and slap-happy.

  "Is that us?!" Audrey exclaims. "What the hell?"

  I laugh in disbelief, shaking my head. "She's a stalker."

  "A good one," she agrees. "It looks professional. Who knew drunk people could be so beautiful?"

  I smirk but don't say anything.

  I turn the picture over and discover a note on the back, written in sloppy cursive letters.

  E,

  You have a nice smile. I didn't think I was going to see it again, so I thought I'd take this just in case. Turns out, I didn't need it.

  XoXo Hailee

  P.S. I'm not a real photographer.

  P.P.S. Audrey is a really cool girl and I love her. Please don't ever break up.

  P.P.P.S. I kind of love photography and the fake photography club was legit.

  Love you!

  Chapter 29

  August 25th, 2012

  8:25 p.m.

  I'm between Audrey's legs for the first time in months, and it's not exactly how I pictured it. The top half of my chest is hovering over her stomach and my face is leveled with her belly button. I'm breathing in lavender and other strange smells, and my chest feels all tight and splintery inside. It's a level of anxiety I'm not familiar with.

  The good kind.

  "It's so creepy." She laughs as she pushes against her stomach, and the life moves again. "He's always moving. Talk to him again, he'll kick."

  I am somewhat amazed. This has been my life for the last half-hour. I am staring down at the place where life turns, kicks, and grows, and it is so bizarre to me that Channel Three is moving around in there. I can feel him turning, a hardened object shifting beneath Audrey's skin.

  Weird.

  "How often does he do this?" I don't hesitate to push my fingers against her skin, trying to feel more movement. "It looks brutal. I'm waiting for a hand to shoot out and grab me."

  I know we probably shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't attach ourselves to the other life, but he's our world. It seems like he's all we have to look forward to these days. This is amusing to me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm conscious of the pull I already have to him.

  There is a limit, I'm aware of this. I can't just bond with my unborn son and let him go. I can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this.

  And although I find it incredibly fascinating, I also know that there's this dull ache inside my chest that I seldom pay any attention. It's expanding and becoming more unavoidable, and the more I want to learn about Channel Three, the more I feel compelled to pull away.

  Because it's the right thing to do.

  Audrey's laugh shakes my small twin bed. "Oh my god, stop. You're freaking me out."

  "Sorry," I mumble, rubbing a hand over her smooth and hardened skin. He gives me another kick and I feel my lips pull up with a smile. "Is it normal, though, right? He's moving so much."

  "My mom says it's completely normal and I did the same thing. I thought something was wrong the other day, he wouldn't stop. It had me freaked." She reaches down to run her fingers through my hair. "I can't believe you chopped off all your hair."

  "Wait, what?" I pull back until she drops her hand. "You thought something was wrong and you didn't think to tell me sooner?"

  She opens her mouth but doesn't come up with an immediate response. She stares back at me, her eyebrows pushing together with confusion.

  "What if something was really wrong, Audrey?" I continue. I sit back on my heels and shake my head. "Would you tell me then—if you ended up in the hospital or something? Or would I have to find out from Lainey?"

  "What? N-No!" she chokes out, propping up on her elbows to level her gaze at me. I clench my jaw, waiting for her. "B… Blake, it wasn't even a big deal."

  "But you were obviously worried enough to ask your mother," I reiterate, shaking my head. "Am I even going to know when you go into labor or are you just going to show up to school one day not pregnant? Really, I want to know."

  Her mouth gapes, large brown eyes widening in disbelief.

  "Are you serious? It wasn't even that big a deal, Blake!" Her eyes gloss with tears. "I just felt weird and I asked my mom a question, it didn't even have anything to do with you!"

  I don't even flinch at the stridency of her tone. I continue to shake my head.

  "It does, though, Audrey. I'm not asking you to report every single detail of your life back to me, I just want you to tell me things that matter. I mean, you had no problem telling me what you had for breakfast this morning, but you couldn't tell me something like this—something that matters."

  Her eyes turn small with incredulity. "Because it doesn't!"

  "Yes, it does." I can feel my voice rising a couple octaves, but I don't care. "You never tell me about this stuff, it's like you just want to do this on your own. You don't tell me when you're worried. You never tell me if you're sad, or scared, and I really—really—hate not knowing what you're thinking, Audrey. You always tell me that you're okay, and I let it go because you smile like nothing's wrong, but you're telling me bullshit as if you think I wouldn't care."

  I snap my mouth closed and stare at her, waiting for her to respond.

  She looks back at me with her jaw hanging open, her eyes slightly glossed and her cheeks tinged pink. I can tell she's hurt for some reason, but I fail to see the significance in that. I was only being honest.

  "Um…" she whispers, her voice cracking. "I... I never meant to make you feel that way, I swear. But, Blake, I... you never tell me what you're thinking either."

  I feel my face fall. "That's different."

  "It's not." She pushes on her elbows until she's sitting. Shaking her head, she waves a finger between us. "It's a two-way street. Don't expect me to tell you things if you don't do the same for me. And I know you care, I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't want you to have to think about it."

  I breathe through my nose and try not to seem angry with her. It's not as though she's wrong. We really do talk so much, but we always seem to forget about the important things... the things that matter.

  "But I want to, though... I think about you all the time," I tell her, wanting to look away but also wishing that I could stare into her brown eyes all night without it being weird. "You don't even realize how much I care about you, Audrey. You make me happy. I feel like I'm a kid at an amusement park every time I'm with you. Maybe that's a weird comparison, but I get that feeling and I worry that it's going to go away. Like, one day, you'll just disappear, and I won't know what do with myself."

  She gazes back at me with wide, shining eyes. All earlier anger disappeared. "You're for real right now?"

  I nod. "I'll always worry about you, Brightside. You're, like, everything to me."

  The corners of her lips twist up with a small smile. "You're like everything to me too." She touches my cheek and holds her soft smile, brown eyes dancing between mine.

  I know we're getting distracted, and I'm still a little ticked off, but it doesn't really matter for a short moment.

  Dropping her hands to her abdomen, she brushes her fingers along the place where life grows, her coral lips twitching with distress. She bites her bottom lip and nods carefully.

  "But it's going to be so hard to do this, Blake," her voice cracks with a throaty whisper. "I already love him so much."

  I feel my throat tighten at her words. I already know she loves him. Maybe she always has, and that's why she took off. Maybe she knows he's supposed to be here, but she just doesn't know where.

  "I know... we don't have to give him up," I mumble, reaching out to take her hand from her abdomen. "You know that. We don't have to go through with this, Audrey."

  She stare
s back at me for a few seconds, her lips parted. "Do... do you want to keep him?"

  I feel my heart threatening to jump out of me, hammering against my rib cage.

  I don't know what to say to that.

  Do I want to keep him?

  This is one of the many complicated thoughts that often haunt me. I know what I'm feeling and thinking are two separate entities, but I tend to mix them. I overthink, obsess, and eventually I'm lost in a sea of turmoil I can't escape. That's entirely my fault, and because of this, I can't give Audrey a straight answer.

  So I do what I do best when I don't know, and I stay quiet.

  Because I'm a fucking hypocrite like that.

  "It's..." She inhales shakily, and I start picking at the cotton sheet on my bed, unable to meet her eyes. "It's okay if you don't want that, I was just asking so I could know..."

  I suck at the inside of my cheek, teeth digging into the flesh there until I nearly draw blood.

  "It's not that I don't want him." I shake my head loosely, digging my fingers into the fabric. "I just... I want..."

  I hate this.

  I know this is what I wanted, but I wanted more from her. I wanted to know she's okay, not for her to turn it around on me.

  "It's alright, Blake," she whispers, wrapping her hand around my wrist. I glance up to see she's smiling, always smiling. It doesn’t feel one bit as real as the first time I saw it.

  I swallow hard and nod. "I think if we're going to do this, I shouldn't feel the baby anymore."

  On some level, I know how fucked up it is to suggest something like this. Audrey has to feel him all the time; he's constantly kicking her to remind her he's there.

  It isn't fair, but all of this only serves to complicate our situation even further. I feel him kick and smile effortlessly, I don't even have to think about how much he means to me. But I also know what's best, and we can't do this. I'm seventeen, I'm irresponsible and nowhere near ready for fatherhood. A few months couldn't prepare me.

  A few years couldn't.

  "I want to have a baby with you, one day," she mutters, clearing the wetness from her cheeks with the back of her hand.