Lover of the Light

by Sydney Taylor

  "The moon and sun thing was Hailee's idea," I confess, tugging at the seams of my jeans nervously. "She came up with this whole 'you're the sun to my moon' saying to go on the back, but I thought this would work too."

  "It's perfect," she whispers, setting the pendants so they lay face-up in the palm of her hand. "Brightside is perfect. Will you help me put it on?"

  I nod and take the necklace from her, getting to my knees as I fumble with the latch for a moment. I finally get it and reach around her. "That's what you are to me, you know."

  "The sun to your moon?"

  I chuckle breathily against her neck as I try to loop the hook through the tiny piece at the other end of the chain. "Uh, yeah... that too, I guess. You're my Brightside."

  I feel her smiling against my shoulder as I finally get the hook to latch through. "You're mine too."

  "What?" I sit back on my heels to look at her.

  Her light pink lips are curved in with a heart-stuttering smile, her eyes dancing over my face. She's glowing and gorgeous, and I feel myself fall a little more in love with her when she smiles like this. It's real, honest-eyed, and adoring. I can't question a smile like this.

  "My brightside," she says. "You're more like me than you give yourself credit for, Blake."

  "That's because of you," I say simply, because I believe it. I know it's her, she's always my light. My new beginning girl.

  "I sound so cheesy," she says around a laugh. "I mean, I probably sound like a girl in one of those horrible high school romance books. Like a three-hundred pager that someone probably reads and thinks 'this is cute', and never picks it up again."

  "No," I disagree. "We're not like a cheesy high school novel. And I hope our story would be longer than three hundred pages."

  She laughs. "Maybe forty chapters."

  "Maybe a few thousand."

  "That's a long story, Blake."

  "It doesn't all have to be written."

  "Would you write about us?"

  "In a heartbeat. I love you, girl. You changed everything, in the best way possible."

  "What about Channel Three? Would you include him?"

  I stop for a moment, staring at her as my mind goes back to him.

  His story would be so different from ours. I wouldn't know what to write about him… his story is with them.

  Since we received the letter from Nance and Tim, we spend a decent amount of time getting to know them. I wouldn't say we know them well enough to give them Channel Three, but I do feel like I have a sense of who they are.

  "We'll hold him when he needs it and we'll let him spread his wings and fly when that time comes too."

  We know their answers aren't everything they're supposed to be, but it was enough to put our minds at ease. We want Channel Three to never have to go without. We want to know that he'll be loved and cherished, and although that's something we could provide him with, we can't give him everything he needs.

  A few days after we agreed to contact Nancy and Timothy about the adoption, we consulted with Melissa and John about our decision. While Melissa seemed to respect our decision, John had a completely different reaction.

  John in one word: indifferent. I couldn't understand his reaction for the life of me. It's like he went into cop mode for a minute?

  "Blake," Audrey pulls me out of my reverie.

  "Sorry." I clear my throat. "Of course I would include him. Our story wouldn't be the same without him."

  She sends me a pensive look. "You went into your head for a minute there. You okay?"

  I bite at the inside of my cheek, nodding slowly. "I'm okay. You just got me thinking."

  She raises an eyebrow. "About the baby?"

  "Yeah," I reply absently. I look down at her growing stomach and force myself to swallow. "I don't know. It's stupid."

  "What?" she whispers, running her hands through my hair. She pleads me with her eyes. "Tell me, Blake."

  I look between her eyes and think about honesty and how far it's gotten me. I can tell her how I feel.

  "How do other people do this? How can you possibly learn to trust someone enough to give them your baby? I feel like I'll never have enough time," I admit, shaking my head. "I'm sorry—"

  "Blake, no, I feel the same way. I think maybe we're just being biased." She rubs the life-bump and heaves a sigh. "Nance and Tim seem so… sincere."

  "They do," I agree. "It just… does this ever feel like giving up to you?"

  "No," she answers immediately. "No, I don't think this is giving up. Isn't this one of the first things we discussed, Blake? We're not giving up. We're giving more, to someone who needs it."

  I nod to myself.

  We don't need a baby. We think we want what we made, but this isn't necessary. We're giving him a better life, not giving up.

  "He'll be okay." She crawls over to my lap to straddle me. I can feel the bump brushing against my stomach, but I don't mind it. She punctuates each word with a kiss. "He'll be happy… loved… safe."

  "I know."

  I do. I won't have it any other way.

  Channel Three will be happy, loved, and safe.

  I nod, pushing through her long hair to hold my face to hers. Thoughts of Channel Three slip to the back of my mind with Audrey's lips against mine, and I dig my fingers into the carpet beneath me to keep myself from touching her.

  Audrey gasps into my mouth and I groan out in frustration.

  My mother is in the next room. I'm flustered. I want to kiss my girlfriend how I want to and not feel like I'm committing a crime, but I know I'll get carried away like this.

  I rest my forehead against hers, attempting to steady my breathing.

  "It's okay, Blake." She rolls her hips against mine suggestively. I bite back a sound welling in my throat. "I can be quiet, you know?"

  I catch her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. She stares back at me with her wide brown mischievous eyes. "What?" I ask, chuckling.

  Her cheeks flush the purest of pale pink. "I… I miss you, Blake."

  I stare back at her, wondering if she's serious. I haven't been with Audrey since that night in the grass, months ago. I cringe at the memory—how absent and meaningless it was.

  To say I haven't thought about having sex with Audrey again would be a big freaking lie; I'm constantly scheming up ways to get her alone.

  Too often we fall into conversation about Channel Three and forget about that part. On the rare occasion she sleeps over, I usually hold her and think about the third life.

  "It's okay." She grabs my hands and settles them on her hips. I can't resist the urge to slide my fingers across her soft flesh. "I can be quiet."

  She grins slyly and inches her hand down my stomach. I feel my lids lowering as she bunches up the fabric of my Modest Mouse tee. "C-Can you?" I stutter, a lust-struck idiot.

  "Uh-huh," she hums, craning her head to place a kiss beneath my jaw. I can feel the pads of her fingers working circles against my abdomen. "I can."

  She pops open the button on my jeans, and I forget all about the woman in the next room.

  "Okay," I agree. It doesn't feel at all like giving up.

  Chapter 31

  October 5th, 2012

  2:55 p.m.

  "You sure you'll be okay?"

  "Blake… chill out."

  I take a deep breath and exhale. "I don't like you driving."

  "You're paranoid."

  I balance the phone on my shoulder and focus on getting my homework out of my locker. "I'm not. I'm sorry, but you're the worst driver in the world."

  She laughs without humor. "Dramatic."

  I roll my eyes.

  Audrey's supposed to go to Terrance after school to meet up with Nance and Tim while I go to work. I don't know how I feel about her being alone with them, but I know she's one-hundred percent correct. I have a history of being paranoid for no apparent reason.

  "I love you."

  "Now you're hanging up on me?" I joke, shoving my backpack
in my locker. I clutch my history homework to my chest and grab the phone to hold it to my ear. "Brightside, why can't your mom go with you?"

  "I can't talk and drive." The agitation is clear in her tone. "And she's always with me, Blake."

  I kick my locker closed and start walking down the empty hallway. Unfortunately, I missed the chance to meet Audrey after class. I had to stay after school so Mr. Baker and I could have a heart-to-heart. I'm his new star pupil. Apparently, all the stress in my life has had a tremendous effect on my grades because I'm kicking ass with this science shit.

  If only I did this well junior year…

  "Uh… what's wrong with that?"

  "I need to connect with them, Blake. We both should. I can't just give them Channel Three. I need to know them. I can't do that with my mother there, talking about how much Fukushima radiation impacted America. She starts talking and deflects from what's important."

  "We can't just harass them, Audrey—"

  "You don't know who they are, Blake. I'm sorry I can't be as trusting as you, but I'm not giving Channel Three to just anyone."

  "Trusting? You think I'm trusting? I'm trying to tell you that you can't get so involved—" I stop myself when I realize I'm making up excuses, random reasons for her not to go.

  "No, you can't. You don't have to worry about it."

  I stop walking. "What?"

  I wait for a response, but it doesn't come. I pull the phone away and frown at the blank home screen. I curse under my breath and shove it in my pocket and start walking twice my average speed. I hardly pay attention to where I'm walking, pissed off beyond belief that she hung up on me.

  "No, YOU can't…"

  What is that supposed to mean?

  I keep my eyes on my shoes as I'm rounding the corner to the stairwell, oblivious to my surroundings.

  I'm pissed.

  I want to go off on her.

  I want to send her a long, annoying text detailing every reason she's a bitch, but I don't have to worry about it.

  There's a chance she hasn't even left yet.

  I run down the stairs quickly. I think about leaving through the front office, but don't want to risk someone stopping me, so I quickly decide to take the stairwell exit instead.

  Jogging around the building, I pull out my cell to call her. I press the call button three times before it finally goes through and set the phone to my ear, struggling to run and keep my pants up at the same time. Because I'm the idiot who didn't wear a belt to school today.

  I reach the parking lot and groan when I discover it's mostly vacant.

  "Why the hell are you always running from me?" I whisper to myself.

  "Hi, you've not-so-much reached Audrey. But this is a voicemail that I never check before I return you call, so feel free to leave a message after the beep. Beep-beep!"

  I try to catch my breath as I wait for the actual beep. When it sounds, I open my mouth but find myself at a loss. "Audrey, I know you're driving by now and can't talk… just…" I feel a groan rumbling in my throat. I reach to my forehead, dragging my hand across it. "I don't… not care… I do." Too much.

  I hang up and shove my phone in my pocket, shaking my head to myself.

  Not knowing what I did to her, I decide to let it go. She's emotional. My mom warned me about this, although I didn’t think Audrey would lose her temper with me. I know I probably deserve it, but I'm still pissed and confused.

  "You don't have to worry about it."

  No. I guess I don't.

  8:48 p.m.

  I'm jacked up on Mountain Dew Code Red and boredom. I sit beside Alex on the blue floor at Game Shack, spider-wrapping Skylander character packs to prevent Timmy from stealing them again. I can't stop bitching about this afternoon, but Alex doesn't seem to mind. He's just listening to my story about new beginning girl and letting me vent as I work.

  "So, what's the big deal? You've met them, you know they're not crazy."

  "It's not enough," I tell him with a shrug. "I mean, she really wants to know everything about them. In the beginning that was easy, but we usually go there with our parents… not alone."

  "It's like you guys are both agreeing they need to earn your trust, only you're freaking out about Audrey being alone with them, and she's freaking out about giving up the kid. I can sort of see where she's coming from, though. No, offense." He eyes me warily. "But you need to learn to trust them, just like she's trying to do. What does your mom think of them?"

  "Uh, I mean… she thinks they're nice, but I have a feeling she secretly wishes Audrey wouldn't go through with it. When I bring up the adoption, she just gets this disappointed look on her face, like it makes her sad."

  "Your mom wants you guys to keep the baby?" His eyebrows furrow.

  "In the beginning, not really…" I grimace, remembering when I told Mom about Channel Three. "She didn't exactly have any objections because adoption is a good idea… for me. But I think the more Audrey comes around, Mom wants her to keep it."

  I'm not exactly sure when my mom started feeling reluctant about the adoption, or if she really even is. A few weeks ago I walked in on Mom touching Audrey's bump, but I was really too envious of it to notice the glint in her eyes at the time. I haven't felt Channel Three move in a while, but that was my choice.

  She won't tell us to keep the baby. This isn't about what she wants. It's about all of us, and we've already made our decision. My mother is only trying to support that decision.

  "Your girlfriend seems cool, but she's stressed," he tells me as he spider-wraps his forehead. "We never talked about adoption, but maybe things would be different if we did. I'm not saying I don't like my kid. I love him to death and would never ever let him go. But he came along and just… slowed stuff down a little. I don't regret anything, but I think about what life without him might be like sometimes."

  When I realize he's finished, I feel my eyebrows rise with question. "And what is it like?"

  "Without him?" he asks. "Uh… I guess maybe I would've finished college by now. That, and Cal is like, really expensive."

  "Were you going to California?"

  "No." He shakes his head. "Caleb is my son."

  "Oh." I muse for a minute. "Um… how do you and his mom get along if you don't mind me asking?"

  "We get along great. Still together, but we aren't how we used to be. There really is no getting around that, though. You have to change eventually. Things with you and Audrey will probably get different, anyway. After she has the baby."

  I feel my face fall.

  Change is inevitable. We can't be stupid and seventeen forever.

  "It's a good thing," he concludes with a small smile, touching the spider-wrap on his forehead. "After all, where would we be if we didn't grow?"

  10:20 p.m.

  I come home to an empty house and a note from my mom informing me she went to work. There's a plate in the microwave, but I ignore it. I find an old bottle of tequila in the cabinet and take three gulps, not caring that my mom will notice.

  It's disgusting.

  I take another swing and gag. "How does she drink this shit?" I say to myself.

  "She doesn't." I jolt at the pretty voice sounding through my mind, the bottle slipping between my fingers. I spin around to face her at the same time the bottle hits the floor, my eyes bugging when I find her leaning casually against the kitchen counter.

  "Jesus, Audrey," I rasp, feeling my heart slamming against my ribcage. I quickly retrieve the bottle from the ground and scrounge the kitchen for paper towels to clean up the mess. I locate a roll of them under the kitchen sink and throw a few over the—luckily—small spill. "How did you even get in here?"

  "Your mom let me in after school," she says in a small voice, much lower than her earlier tone.

  "You didn't go to Nance and Tim's?" I drop to my knees beside the mess.

  "No, I did. Your mom went with me."

  I focus on cleaning the floor, but I'm always aware of her presence. My heart is
still speeding, speeding away, fingers shaking from the initial panic she induced.

  Or maybe something else.

  I clear my throat. "How'd it go?"

  "It was okay. They're still… amazing."

  I stand and toss the towel in the trash can beside her. "No cold feet?"

  "Um… not really." She pauses. "You?"

  I shrug.

  This is the fucked up reality of waiting for this to be over.

  Patience is calm—easy.

  Waiting is different.

  Waiting is knowing when something is coming and wanting it to end.

  I'm waiting.

  I can't be patient for this anymore. I want the doubt to be over, done. I want to stop questioning my every decision. I want to stop feeling like I fucked up bad enough to hurt everyone in my life.

  And me… I have changed. I didn't even realize it, and growing sucks.

  Shaking my head, I stare down at the kitchen floor.

  "None here."

  I feel her soft fingers on my neck and force my eyes meet hers. Her eyebrows knit together to create a crease on her forehead, which I smooth away with my index finger. I can feel the alcohol warming my stomach, or maybe it's just Audrey.

  I kiss the corner of her mouth, which is already opened as she begins speaking to me. "I'm really sorry—"

  "It's fine," I interrupt. I rest my hands on her shoulder and force a smile. "I can't blame you for wanting to know them better."

  "No, it's not," she mutters, staring back at me. "You didn't even trust them enough to let me go alone today, Blake. And you just expect…" She sighs, bringing both of her hands up to touch her face. "And we're supposed to just hand our baby over to them? I know you just want to help, but I don't need a—"

  "Want to help?" I bring my hands up to my face and let out a bitter laugh. "Jesus, Audrey…"

  "What?"

  I shrug. "I'm really sorry about this. I never even really apologized for fucking up your life like this."

  Her eyes grow small, her expression incredulous. "You… what?"

  "Yeah." I drop my hands to my sides and stare back at her. I wait for her to deny it, to tell me that I didn't fuck up. A part of me hopes she doesn't. "It's like you said, I'm just… trying to help."