Our Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

“Keegan,” Jack says again, this time sounding angry.

  I look at him, feeling numbness engulf me. I want to sit right here in the gravel and shut everything out, but I need to finish this.

  “Let’s go to my car,” I say, needing to sit.

  I lead the way and he follows, saying nothing. By the time we get the few feet to my car, I can feel the bile rise in my throat. I turn to face Jack, deciding to just spit it out.

  "I found out I was pregnant after you left."

  I watch all the options play out across his face.

  "We have a kid?"

  I shake my head.

  "You gave it up for adoption?"

  I shake my head again, forcing back new tears.

  "You never even tried to tell me." His nostrils flare as the anger begins to consume his body.

  "What was I supposed to do?” I ask, “You left me and stopped returning my text messages."

  His eyes are wide, emphasizing his shock. “You could have gone to my mom. She would have called me.”

  I shake my head, not sure what else to say. He takes a few steps away, then leans on my car, grasping the back of his neck with one hand. He has yet to ask what did happen to the baby, but he clarifies his assumption quickly.

  He lifts his gaze to me and I see his eyes are hard and cold. “So, you found out you were pregnant, never tried to reach out to me, then you killed our baby?"

  I flinch at his words, and I'm no longer able to hold back the tears. He’s assuming that I had an abortion and with the way he’s looking at me like he’s disgusted, I don’t want to correct him.

  "You know what, Jack?” I say, furiously wiping at my cheeks, “When you walked away, you knew how much it would hurt me, but you did what was best for you. So don't stand there acting all high and mighty like you were the one that got screwed over because you were the one that walked away.”

  He pushes off the car and takes several steps away, keeping his back to me. He runs both of his hands through his hair so when he turns to look at me, his hair looks just as angry as his face.

  “You didn't know that I wasn't coming back.” His voice is rising as his anger increases.

  I draw in a breath, but it feels shallow. “I knew you if you’d cared about me, you would’ve called.”

  "I would've cared about the baby,” Jack spits out, digging the knife in deeper.

  I bite the inside of my cheek and shake my head. “Goodbye, Jack,” I say just before I climb into my car and drive away. He does nothing to stop me. I know because I watch in my rear view mirror until I can no longer see him.

  Chapter 45

  What Else Do You Know

  Adrian

  When Keegan gets home, I’m pacing the floor of her living room, as Gemma and Robert watch. Her face is red, and her eyes are swollen. It’s obvious, she’s been crying.

  "What the fuck did he do to you?" I ask as I reach for her.

  "Adrian, you need to go,” she orders, without looking at me.

  I can’t leave, not with things where they currently stand. “Go? Where the hell do you want me to go?" The panic in her voice reflects how I’m feeling.

  She spins to face me, all her anger and pain directed at me.

  Fuck, I should’ve left.

  “First,” she says, holding up one finger, “you asked me to trust you. You asked me, over and over again, to trust you. You asked this of me, but never once offered up the fact that you’d had me investigated.”

  I cut her off, ignoring the gasps of the others in the room. “I had to. You know my dad. I had to know you before we started something.”

  I know my explanation is weak, not conveying the necessity of what I did.

  Keegan’s brow almost touches her hairline, as she gapes at me, shocked. “Usually, when you’re interested in someone, you ask them questions to get to know them. You don’t pay some creep to go digging around in their private life.”

  Where have I heard that before?

  “I’m sorry,” I say, but it sounds as weak as my last statement.

  She holds up two fingers, apparently not done with her reasons. “Second, after I finally agree to trust you, I asked you to do the same. I asked you give me a couple hours with Jack, alone, and to trust me. I told you I didn’t want to be with him, that I wanted to be with you, but you followed me anyway.” She draws in a long shaky breath, her emotions consuming her. “You couldn’t do the one thing you’ve been begging of me.”

  Fuck, it hurts to see her hurting. It hurts worse to know I’ve added to her pain. I grab the back of my neck and close my eyes, having no idea how to respond because she’s right.

  Keegan stands, pushing her shoulders back as she looks at me with determination. “What else do you know?”

  What? Oh no, that’s a really bad idea. “Keegan—” I try, but she cuts me off.

  “What else, Adrian? It’s my life. I deserve to know how much of it you have stashed away in a folder somewhere.”

  I close my eyes, not wanting to see the pain in hers, and try to remember something small I can tell her. I’ll have to tell her everything someday, but this is not the time for full disclosure.

  “You had a 4.0 for almost your entire four years of high school,” I say.

  “Damn,” Robert mutters, reminding me we’re not alone.

  Keegan crosses her arms over her chest. “What else, and don’t give me the meaningless shit.” She tilts her head to the side in challenge. “Remember, Adrian, don’t waste my time with meaningless words.”

  She’s repeating her plea from the other night, that I not lie to her and that I give her action to show her how I feel. But, we can’t do this right now. She’s a fucking emotional wreck, and I just want to hold her, and try to ease some of her pain. If I recount all the deeply personal shit my guy managed to find on her, this is going to get much worse.

  I gesture toward Robert and Gemma sitting on the couch. “Can we go talk in your room,” I ask, hoping once I get her there I can wrestle her onto the bed where we’ll stay until she forgives me.

  She’s on a mission, so she pushes on. “What else, Adrian.”

  I rub my face, contemplating my choices. She deserves answers, regardless if it makes me look like the biggest ass she’s encountered yet.

  I drop my hands and look back at her with resignation. “You were going to commute your first year here, but you moved into a dorm after you lost the baby.”

  I see her flinch and her eyes begin to water. I take a step, reaching out a hand to her, but she takes a step back.

  “What else,” she says again, but this time her voice waivers, sounding less sure.

  I shake my head. “No Keegan, I’m not hurting you anymore—”

  “You promised me action,” she practically yells, as the tears finally escape and race down her cheeks. “You already broke one promise, are you going to break both of them?”

  Christ, she always seems to have the perfect words in times like this. Steeling myself again, I tell her about one particular report that has stuck with me and also helps remind me why she’s desperate to protect her heart.

  “You were so devastated, at your brother’s funeral, that the pallbearers had to pry you off his casket.”

  Keegan recoils, Robert gasps, and Gemma stands, placing a hand on Keegan’s arm. “That’s enough, honey,” she tells her in a gentle tone.

  I pray Keegan listens to her best friend, but her resolve doesn’t waiver. I’m not even sure why she doing this anymore. At first I think she did what to know what all I’d learned about her, but now… now it’s as if she’s reliving all these horrible memories. For what?

  Keegan shakes off Gemma, never taking her eyes off me. “There’s something else,” she says. Her face is streaked with tears, but she’s stopped trying to wipe them away. “Tell me, Adrian, what is it that you know?”

  I shake my head again, but this time I turn to leave.

  As I reach for the door, Keegan yells again, “We need to finish this
, Adrian. Get it all out there, now.”

  I turn back to look at her, thinking she’s probably right. There’s only one more piece of information I have, but it’s going to rock her, but maybe I do need to say it so we can move on.

  Swallowing, I stand frozen, staring into her eyes when I tell her, “Your dad is remarried… and has two daughters with his new wife.”

  This is news to her. I know that because she’s not had contact with her dad in years, since before Jack ever entered her life. I just told the girl I love, who quite possibly hates me now, that the father who left her has a new family, and she has two sisters.

  Keegan watches me, her expression unreadable. It’s as if all the emotions, she was consumed by moments before, all melted away, leaving her empty, feeling nothing.

  “I’m done,” she says, finally speaking. Her tone has changed—she sounds exhausted and resigned.

  I snap my head up. She’s done with what? With this conversation, with this day, with me?

  “Keegan,” I try, but she again cuts me off and tells me how I’ve cut her deeply.

  “I told you no words—I need action. You gave me action today, the kind that shows me you don’t trust or respect me.” She shakes her head. “I tried… and you lied. I’m done.”

  Her words are said with such finality that I know trying to discuss it any further would be useless. I turn to go, slamming the door behind me.

  Chapter 46

  You Fix Her

  I fall into the chair and drop my face into my hands, physical and emotional exhaustion consumes me. My tears have stopped, but now there’s an ache in my chest. It hurts because of the words Jack said, and for Adrian’s betrayal of my trust. I rub the ache, but it does nothing to help.

  I feel Gemma move in next to me, and she draws in a breath as if preparing a speech.

  “Gemma, don’t,” I warn, knowing she’s going to lecture me on my rash choices.

  “I think you’re being impulsive because you feel—”

  She stops speaking when I look up, allowing all the pain from the day to reflect in my eyes. “I’ve feared this day with Jack, for three years now. There aren’t many things that make me so nervous I wanna hide in a hole somewhere, but the idea of telling Jack, well… it’s at the top of that short list.” I point a finger in the direction where Adrian left. “He made this day way, way, way worse than I’d ever feared.” I wipe furiously at the tears that have begun to fall again. “Don’t tell me how I feel.”

  Gemma blinks a couple times, then nods. “What happened with Jack?” she asks, changing the subject to my other issue.

  “Jack hates me,” I say, rubbing my face.

  When this day started, I could’ve never guessed that it would play out this way. I wanted to tell Jack about the baby, get answers from him, then move forward with Adrian. What I got instead was a thoroughly disgusted Jack, and possibly the end of my short relationship with Adrian.

  “Why is this all happening right now?” I ask to no one in particular. “I mean of all times for Jack to come back into my life he comes back right when I’ve started this thing with Adrian, creating an emotional nightmare. I can't handle emotions.” That's a fact. I don't like being emotional and I don't like talking about it.

  Robert pats me on the head. "Oh honey, we know that, but we love you anyway."

  I knock away Robert’s hand and give him a look that warns he’d better stop touching me.

  I need someone to hear how horrible the conversation went with Jack. I look at Gemma, knowing she’ll get it, even if she’s still pissed at me. “I didn't get to explain. As a matter fact the way we left it, he thinks I had an abortion."

  I wish I’d clarified his misunderstanding, not because I think it would change how he feels, but because my goal was to tell him the truth, and he still doesn’t know it.

  Robert looks confused. "You didn't have an abortion? What did happen?"

  Before either Gemma or I can respond, there's a knock at the door. I know it's not Adrian or any of the other guys because we stopped knocking… well, the first day we met each other. Gemma jumps up and swings it open. Jack’s large frame fills the door, as he stands with his hands in his pockets, wearing a regretful expression.

  "Can we talk?” he asks, then adds, “I was kind of an ass."

  I laugh without humor. "Kinda.” I look from Jack to Gemma and she gives me a sad smile, her way of telling me she wants me to work through this.

  Robert’s not quite as subtle. "Get your ass out of here,” he says, waving me away, and then he points at Jack. "And you fix this.” He gestures at me. “You make my girl all better. She’s supposed to be happy and sarcastic. We don't do this sad and weepy shit."

  Man, I love him. He totally gets me.

  I push up from the couch and take a swipe under my eyes. I’m sure this does nothing to help my swollen face, but I feel the attempt is necessary.

  "Let's go someplace else,” I suggest, not needing Adrian’s storm to tear through again.

  Jack nods and steps to the side, letting me pass. We both drive separate, still needing time to think. He follows me to a park I've seen on the way to Shyanne’s barn.

  Chapter 47

  Our Baby Boy

  We find an open bench and we both sit. I twist to face him, pulling up one leg and folding it in front of me. This is probably the point when I should jump in and tell him he made the wrong assumption, but the words catch in my throat. Before I can push them out, Jack reaches out, taking one of my hands in his.

  "I'm sorry,” he begins. “I’m sorry for leaving three years ago and never calling. I'm sorry for not calling you anytime, within the past three years, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with the pregnancy without me. But, most of all I'm sorry for all the horrible shit I said back at the restaurant.”

  I know he’s being sincere because he has a tell when he’s lying. I’d forgot about it until just now. When he’s hiding something or not being completely honest, he rubs his finger under his nose like it’s itching him. I remember the time he tried to throw a surprise birthday party for me. His nose was itching like crazy for a week.

  “Don't apologize yet,” I say, and he looks at me with a curious expression "You made the wrong assumption earlier. I didn't have an abortion." I flick my gaze over his shoulder, not wanting to see his expression when I tell him the whole truth. “I decided to keep the baby, but I lost him when I was five months pregnant."

  Despite my attempts to refrain from crying again, more tears slide down my cheeks. Jack scoots closer, pulling my leg across his lap and reaching down to lift the other, draping them both across his legs. He wraps an arm around my back and lifts me so that I am practically cradled on his lap. With one hand wrapped around my waist and the other palming the back of my head, he holds me close and apologizes over and over.

  We sit like that, my small frame cradled in his large one, and I realize this is what I needed to heal. I’m not an emotional person, and I rarely cry, but those were the hardest days of my life. I was in love with Jack, and it was his child I was carrying. After he left, I recovered from that loss more quickly than I would’ve expected, but I still thought about him every day. Every time I thought about the baby growing inside me, I thought about Jack. It may have been because of the pregnancy that I recovered so quickly from my broken heart—I had someone else to think about.

  Leaving my face buried in his chest, I tell him about the days after I found out. “Although I’d never planned to have kids, I decided to keep the baby. I decided I wasn't going to try to reach you again. In my mind, you’d left me, so you’d walked away from anything we were going to have together.”

  Saying it out loud now, I see how I sounded like a woman scorned. I was, actually I was a teen girl scorned, which is probably worse.

  “My mom thought you should know,” I go on. “She made me promise that I would at least contact you after the baby was born.” I shrug. “It didn't end up mattering. When I was five months pregn
ant, I started to have a lot of bleeding. We got to the hospital and when the doctor checked for a heartbeat, there was none. My baby boy died before he ever had a chance."

  “Our baby boy,” Jack corrects me, his chest vibrating under my cheek when speaks.

  I push up, making eye contact when I confess this last part.

  “I’ve always felt like it was my fault… you know, that I lost him.” Jack waits for me to find the words. “You know I never wanted kids, hell, I still don’t. So, although I decided to keep him, for the first few months I was sad that the next eighteen years were going to be spent taking care of a child. It wasn’t until I felt him move for the first time that I fell in love, and then I felt horrible about all my thoughts of not wanting him.”

  I can feel the heat rise to my chest and cheeks, humiliation consuming me. These are my most private thoughts, the ones I never wanted anyone to know, but I have to get it out. Those thoughts are the reason I’m so consumed with guilt that I go to the hospital, trying to help others. Whenever I see a young mom, I always want to go tell her to be thankful and to never have regrets. I’ve never done that that because I know I’ll end up in a puddle of tears on the floor and the poor mom will have to call the nurses to help my sorry ass.

  Jack takes my chin between his finger and thumb, forcing my gaze back to him. “I have to believe those are the same thoughts and fears every mom has, not just teenage moms either.” He smiles, then adds, “I’d say that dads probably do too, but we both know men are too selfish to think about shit like that.”

  I can’t help but smile. That’s another thing I’d forgotten about him. Whenever he was trying to make me feel better, he would say something to poke fun at himself. How is it that I’ve forgotten all these things, all the little things that I loved? I suppose when we lose someone or let them go, we call on all the negative to help us distance ourselves from the pain.

  Deciding it’s time to end the weepy girl thing, I wiggle off his lap and crawl back onto the bench next to him. I wipe my face, hoping I’m done crying for a long time.