Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  Me ma jumps up an I race out after him. He holds the babby by one leg over the banisters, threatenin te drop him down inta the hall. Me ma is screamin an I am screamin, an the babby is givin piercin screams. He is frightened outa his life! Me ma is tellin him not te drop the babby, an the people from downstairs come out an look up. Jackser is foamin at the mouth an tellin everyone she is a whore an these are her bastards. She expected him te take another man’s leavins. I creep down the stairs hopin te find somethin te catch the babby in an tryin te think of a way te stop Jackser from killin me babby brother, Charlie.

  Jackser asked the people tryin te quieten him te tell me ma how lucky she was an not be drivin him te have te chastise her. Me ma puts out her arms fer the babby an says, ‘No! I won’t be tormentin ye again. Just give me the babby.’

  ‘Here, take it,’ he says. ‘An count yerself lucky he’s not splattered in the hall.’

  Jackser’s rage was spent. For the minute we are OK – all quiet on the western front. But we won’t have long to wait.

  ‘First thing tomorrow, Missus, you get tha young one inta a home,’ Jackser says. Then he ran at me an punched me in me head. He kept batterin me wit his fists. Me ears was bleedin, an he picked me up an threw me across the room. I hit me face against the fireplace. Then he came runnin fer me as soon as I hit the ground. I tried te roll meself inta a ball te protect me head. He was kickin me an punchin me. I was screamin all the time, ‘Don’t hit me, Jackser! I’ll be good. I promise I’ll never do tha again.’

  Jackser doesn’t like te hear me screamin when he’s killin me. An he’s kickin me an tellin me not te cry!

  ‘No, Jackser, I’m not cryin! Ye see, Jackser? I’m not cryin now. Just don’t hurt me any more, Jackser.’

  He picked me up an threw me again, an then ran te the winda. He whipped open the winda an ran fer me. Me ma screamed, ‘Stop! Ye’re goin te kill her!’ But Jackser hauled me over te the winda an dropped me out, hangin me upside down by me ankles. The terror in me is like nothin on earth. I’m goin te be kilt! I try te grab on te somethin, but there’s nothin te grab on to. Everythin is spinnin.

  Ah! Ah! I can’t breathe, everythin is black. Me eyes are closed. When will it end? I can’t shout. Ah, Jesus, don’t let me die!

  I’m hauled through the air an swung inta the room. Me ma grabs me, an I’m suffocated between the two of them. Jackser won’t let me go, an me ma has me by the head.

  ‘Let her go! Harm her an ye won’t see me again!’ me ma screams.

  Jackser drops me, an me ma grabs me. I don’t even feel any pain. I can’t hear anythin, an everythin seems far away, like I’m lookin at somethin from a distance. Me mouth feels twisted, an me eyes can only see through slits. I can feel the blood tricklin down me throat, then I realise I’m chokin – there’s blood everywhere. It doesn’t bother me. I’m just takin it all in, tha’s all. I’m just glad I’m not still hangin out the winda an Jackser’s not killin me any more.

  That old house was next door to the little room where Matt Talbot had lived and died. He was known as the ‘reformed alcoholic and sinner’. The church is now making him a saint. I could feel myself edging away, being drawn down deeper and deeper into something, somewhere, some time – centuries mean nothing here. It is a place locked in time. I waited sensing a great divide had opened. Something was coming to meet me. Closer and closer I sense its presence. Then I felt it! I wonder did you – your spirit, Matt Talbot – ever meet and comfort the two little ones as their ghostly screams could still be heard on cold, dark winter nights, crying out on the wind. Did you hush them, whispering, ‘Take it easy, little childre. Yer nightmare journey wit Jackser, it won’t be the death a ye’s. Now, come for a wander wit me, an I’ll mind youse!’

  I lifted my head, resting my eyes on Charlie. Then stared, sensing a change in him. He looked like he was in command of himself. There was a stillness about him, a quiet power as he stared down at Jackser. As if he was watching out for him, sending him his strength. It was almost as if all his years of suffering had meant for something. He had enough reserves of human compassion to show Jackser what it is to be human. To touch with kindness and ease pain.

  I followed his gaze, slowly looking down at Jackser. His breathing was getting heavier and the gasps seemed louder. Yet he seemed at peace, like he sensed our presence and the connection drawing the three of us together. We are now looking down on him. A helpless old man struggling towards his end, terrified of dying alone. He needs us. Once, when we were two helpless little ones, a baby and a young girl of six, we were both outcasts in the world. No one wanted us. You took us in, letting us lie under the shelter of your little room. You were strong and young and very powerful. We needed you. You did not care. You used your power to a terrible end. The wheels of life have turned full circle. Now, it is down to us. You need us; we care. It feels like a terrible beauty is growing. We had so much love to give. Yet we had to wait until you are dying a painful death to understand just how much we are worth.

  I measured the passing of time with the light creeping in through the window. ‘It must be heading towards six o’clock in the morning, Charlie,’ I whispered, stirring myself.

  He sighed and lifted himself up in the chair. ‘Yeah! I have te go an sort a few things out meself, Martha.’

  ‘OK, come on,’ I whispered, looking down at Jackser. I could feel the heat rising out of him. I must mention it to the nurse, I thought, thinking, he has a temperature.

  ‘I won’t be gone long, Jackser,’ I whispered, leaning down close to his face. ‘Come on, Charlie, let’s go outside.’ I made my way down to the sitting room and opened my packet of tobacco, rolling a cigarette.

  ‘So, are you headin off home now, Martha?’ he said, lighting up a cigarette.

  ‘Yeah, I have to go and get the children ready for school then sort out a few things with their father. I need to make sure I’ve left everything in order, Charlie. That way he can take care of the children and run the home until I get back.

  ‘Right! Listen, Charlie! Will you come home with me and we can get something to eat? Then you can have a nice hot shower. It would really do you good,’ I said, seeing him put his cigarettes and lighter away, then taking out his money to check it, wanting to make sure he has everything. But I knew he was playing for time, wondering if this was a good idea. I could see his eyes flickering, thinking, then his face dropping. He didn’t want to come. He didn’t want the pressure of me pushing him, trying to sort him out, making demands on him, with him not being able to fit in to the routine of family life. Not any more, anyway. He preferred to dance to his own tune, go where the wander took him. Drink when he had the money and when he didn’t, spend the time looking for it, just to get the next drink. I waited, watching him, seeing how awkward he felt. He didn’t want to say no, but he was going to.

  ‘Ahh, Martha! I won’t bother. Not this time. Thanks for askin me. Thanks anyway, but I need te keep movin. Listen, sure, I’ll see ye again, soon,’ he said, running his fingers through his mousey-blond hair, pushing it back off his forehead.

  ‘But just for a run out to the house, Charlie. It will be a bit of a drive for you. An outing! Ah, go on, Charlie! Do it just for the company. We can eat something, then I’m heading straight back into the city. Sure, I need to see the ma anyway, take her up to the hospital. In fact, while I’m getting the kids ready, you can go for a wash. It will make you feel great. You’ll be set up for the day,’ I said, hearing myself pleading. I didn’t want to lose sight of him again. ‘Then I can drop you back in town,’ I whispered, letting my voice trail away, knowing I was fighting a losing battle.

  ‘Ah, forget it, Martha,’ he grinned. ‘I can’t, I’m tellin ye! I have te get goin,’ he whispered, leaning his head to me, wanting me to understand, then making for the door.

  ‘Are you sure?’ I said, feeling the heart going out of me.

  ‘Yeah! Honestly, Martha,’ he said, shaking his head, looking like he had serious business to get to. He s
topped to give me a wave. I stared after him, not wanting to give up.

  ‘Wait! Charlie! Come back here! What’s your hurry? At least give us a hug,’ I said, rushing over to grab him and giving him a tight squeeze. ‘Anyway, I’ll walk down with you as soon as I have a quick word with the nurse.’

  ‘No! No, ye’re all right. You go on ahead, do tha. But, really, I’m off now. I’ll see ye,’ he waved, giving me a weak, tired smile. His face looked grey and haggard in the early-morning light. I knew he didn’t want a dose of me trying to drag him back to the land of the living.

  ‘OK,’ I said quietly, feeling let down. God knows when I would see him again. Now he would go one way and I would go the other. I couldn’t share his life any more, not in a normal way. I wanted us just to be able to meet each other and be together, enjoying each other’s company like we used to do. We would eat and laugh and talk and be easy together, like we did yesterday. I have a longing for that now with him. We have experienced things together in life, and only he and I can understand what the other feels. A lot is left unspoken, no words are necessary. We can read it in each other’s eyes, and we know. It bonds us together. We have a way with each other that I could never have with anyone else.

  I watched as he walked off down the passage, putting his hands deep inside the pockets of his rain jacket. Then he turned to stop and wave, giving me a sad-looking smile. He knew I wanted his company. It pained him to see all his loss. Then he was gone.

  I watched the empty space, hoping he would reappear. No, he’s gone, Martha. Charlie is gone. He couldn’t wait to get going fast enough. He must know some place where he can get a drink. They call them sort of places ‘the Early House’. They’re down along the quays, handy for the sailors coming in off the ships when they dock. Yeah! And even handier for taking the money off the dockers. Very bleedin handy. Take the money off them first thing in the morning before they even have a chance to go home and give it over to the wife and kids.

  6

  I slammed the front door shut behind me and hurried out to the car. Right, the traffic has eased off this time of the morning, I thought, looking up and down the road, seeing the few cars moving quickly. Great! So I should make good time into town and hopefully across the city.

  I climbed into the car, pulling my safety belt across, and snapped it into place. Now, is there anything I have left undone? I thought, slamming the car door and switching on the engine. I got a picture of the kitchen – everything is washed up and put away there. Yeah, now I left out a clean uniform for the kids. That’s sitting on their chairs. A clean shirt and socks and underwear. Good! That’s them sorted. Then I put a casserole in the oven. That should be tasty – beef and vegetables. It can cook slowly all day. Did I leave a note? Yeah! ‘Dinner in the oven.’ Jaysus! Men – he can smell it! But you can’t leave anything to chance, I laughed. Knowing it was just me being fussy, thinking if I’m not in control the world will collapse around us. Lovely. After that, if necessary, he can look after things himself.

  It’s just as well I taught him to cook when I first got my hands on him. Jaysus, but the bother! He used every pot, spoon and anything that would need a wash after, not to mention the mess. ‘Me lovely kitchen! I’m desecrated!’ I used to scream, wanting to crack the pots over his head. It nearly gave me a breakdown. But I learned to let go, with him humming at me, soothing, whispering, ‘No problem, I clean everything myself,’ while all the time edging me out the door.

  It was him that got fucked out eventually when he tried to take over, turning me into an invalid, taking everything over lock, stock and barrel. Fuck that! But now let him content himself for the minute, ruling all he surveys. Jesus, what more could I want? I sighed happily. Free from doing me ‘little Susie Homemaker’ bit, while he wears the apron. He might even put manners on that dog!

  I hung up the wine-linen jacket on the car hanger, not wanting it to get creased. Right! I’m off. I indicated, putting my hand out, and pulled into the traffic, seeing a man waving me on. I flashed my emergency lights at him, giving him a smile and a wave. I sighed happily as I drove into town, feeling lovely and fresh as I glanced at myself in the mirror. My hair looked silky soft, shining in the early-morning sun. I pinned it up at the back, holding it in place with a big brown hair slide.

  Oh! That shower was lovely, I thought. It really put the life back into me. I shivered with the delicious sense of being lovely and soft. I could feel the crisp white shirt and the black linen trousers sitting nice and easy against my fresh clean skin. ‘Yeah, I smell lovely,’ I sighed, getting the scent of Chanel perfume and soap off meself. I took in a deep breath and sighed happily, fastening my eyes on the road ahead, not wanting to waste any time.

  OK, the ma! I wonder how she is. Maybe I should pick up a bit of shopping for her first, bring it with me over to the flat. No, I thought slowly. See what she needs before you do anything. Right! Get going. But suddenly my stomach dropped and me chest tightened at the thought of facing back into the ma and all the problems around her.

  Jesus! What are you doing, Martha? You know what the ma’s like! She sits in a fog of depression, the air thick with it around her, screaming, ‘Everything is hopeless! All is lost!’ Jaysus, there should be a placard up around her neck warning ‘Vacuum of Despair. Danger! You will be sucked, smothered and strangled.’

  Fuck! You’re very mean, Martha. Well, it feels like that. Anyway, it’s not like I can do any good or even get thanks for me trouble. Jaysus, no! One sight of me and the face drops, then the eyes light up and it’s blink with a think! She suddenly gets an idea I’m the fairy godmother come to wave me magic wand.

  ‘Eh, Martha! Can ye get me …? Will ye give me …?’

  ‘Yeah, Ma, here ye go! More, Ma? No problem, here’s more.’

  ‘Wha about …?’

  ‘No, Ma, I’m all out, no can do!’ Then the light goes out and the smile fades. I watch as the eyes turn to stone and the voice snarls in anger and resentment. No, I am now only the stranger I always was. Up goes the sign: ‘You don’t run with this herd! Ye don’t belong here. So fuck off wit yerself!’

  So where do I belong? I asked myself when Sarah was young. All her little pals had a family. There was the daddy, sister and brothers, even a granny and granddad, with a few aunties and uncles thrown in. When I looked at my list, there was nothing. I didn’t want her thinking I came from Mars! We had to have someone to visit. Not the ma? No! So it was back to the convent. I waited for wind of a meeting, reunion, gathering – anything the girls were up to I would turn up at.

  ‘Now, Sarah, this is part of all my roots, I used to live here, you know!’ I would explain, rushing in the door full of hope and expectation, thinking I would be welcome because I grew up there for a while. Well, a very short while, a few years. So they know me.

  Fuck, they knew me all right! They remembered they hated me. ‘The street kid! Look at her now! Jaysus, “Lady Muck,”’ they sniffed, throwing the evil eye at Sarah. ‘Listen to that young one! Isn’t she very posh? An goes to a private school, if you wouldn’t mind! An look! Yer woman has a car! Jaysus! Who does she think she is?’ they snorted, raging because they had to take the bus.

  ‘Nah, Irish begrudgery,’ I sniffed. ‘Bleedin gaggle a witches. Come along, darling, we’re not coming back here!’

  No! I didn’t run with that herd either, so I didn’t belong. Right, I’m a loner. So get on with it.

  There you go, Martha, the past is ancient history; it’s all dead and buried. You moved on light years ahead into the future. Why go back now? It will only rip you open, remind you of who you were. So why bother? Do you really need to look back?

  Yeah, it’s the ma, it’s the lot of them. It’s Jackser! It’s him now lying in that hospital bed, an old man all alone.

  But Jackser?

  Yes, even him. If he was a dog, you wouldn’t leave him there to suffer on his own. So why do it even to Jackser? I thought, trying to work out what’s going on with me. My feelings are all c
ontradicting each other. I don’t know what’s happening to me; I only know I have to go back. The problem is that I care. I don’t want to bleedin care, but I do! I’m an eegit, but I can’t help caring. It can be my downfall, my weak spot, but I can’t go against it. It’s not in my nature to kick someone when they are down. On the other hand, if I am cornered or someone tries to pull a fast one …! They go home in their knickers without even a pocket to rattle two pennies they wish they now still had. Retaliation is swift and very painful. They curse the day they met me! You’re ruthless, Martha Long. Yes! Hitler looks like Mother Teresa when I get going. No! They won’t be nominating me and my bones with prayers and petitions to become a saint like poor Matt Talbot.

  So here we go, I thought, shaking my head, giving a half-laugh. Then I slammed the car down into fifth gear and roared up the new road, heading towards the ma’s flat. It’s a lovely wide open, long stretch of road. I could see there was no traffic ahead of me for miles. So I shut up the windows, leant down a bit heavier on the juice and let the car rip.

  I drove alongside the flats, looking out for the ma. You never know, she could be walking along, heading to take the bus. I shook my head – no sign of her. I parked the car in front of her side of the flats, then got out and locked it. I could see faces looking out through windows, wondering who I was. Hmm! Hope the little young fellas don’t touch my car, I thought, seeing a few of them running around with a stick, hitting anything that could move. Right! Don’t let them see you or they’ll know it’s a stranger’s car. They won’t touch one of their own, I thought, rushing into the hall and hurrying up the pissy stone stairs.

  As I stopped on each landing, I could see chutes overflowing with rubbish. The metal lifts looked like they had been hit with sledgehammers. Then I heard a dog barking – it sounded vicious. I stopped dead, feeling me chest jump, missing a heartbeat. Oh, Jaysus! I hope there’s no dogs waiting to leap out at me. Mother a God! I’m terrified outa me life of dogs! Well, other people’s!