Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  I stepped onto the ma’s landing and took my time about showing me nose around the corner. No! No dogs, I saw, then hurried to bang on the ma’s door. I waited. Nothing, no sound. Ah! Maybe she won’t open the door until she knows who it is. Yeah! That’s right. I lifted the letterbox and shouted, ‘Ma! Ma! Open the door. It’s me, Martha! Are ye in there, Ma? Open the door! Let me in!’

  I waited, listening with me ear to the letterbox. No, not a sound – nothing. It felt like the air wasn’t moving, just a dead, inert silence. I stood back, biting my lip. I wonder if she’s gone already? Maybe she’s making her own way over to the hospital. Sure, how was she to know I was coming? Never mind even knowing I would be up at the hospital.

  Right, better get moving, I thought, feeling my heart sink with the disappointment. Or she could be over in the shopping centre getting a few messages. OK! Better just to be on the safe side. I will call over and take a run around.

  I leapt down the stairs, taking them two at a time, rushing out into the fresh air. It wasn’t all that fresh, what with sour and decaying rubbish left lying around. ‘Jesus! This place would put years on you,’ I sighed, opening the car door, then taking off.

  My eyes peeled on the little young fellas making a beeline for me. They stopped to watch me take off, seeing me driving up the road. Their faces dropped as they stood staring after me, looking disappointed. I grinned, giving them a wave. They’re probably thinking they missed out on getting a few bob outa me for sweets! Ah, poor kids. They have nowhere to play; they just end up getting filthy dirty messing around in the dog shit and all the rubbish thrown around. Bastards, the corporation are. They get away with fucking murder, treating the poor like they don’t exist.

  I pulled up outside the shopping centre, then leapt out of the car, heading straight for the supermarket. I rushed around the aisles, then looked along the checkouts. My heart dropped. No, not in here. I’ll take a look around the centre; she might be stopped talking to someone. I looked around, going the length and breadth of the place, seeing no sign of her but hoping she might suddenly appear. No! She’s definitely not here.

  OK, I better head off to the hospital; that’s where she must be. Ah, it’s a pity I missed her. I could have saved her the journey of trailing all the way over there. ‘It’s a good aul long walk too,’ I sighed, trying to keep away the idea that she may not be all right, especially seeing as she’s on her own now. She’s not used to that. All her life she has had someone around.

  Jaysus! I better get moving. Yeah, she’s gone to the hospital. Just don’t go worrying, looking for trouble before it happens, Martha. It will find you soon enough, I thought, trying to lift my heart. ‘Oh, bloody hell! I have always worried about the ma,’ I sighed. It’s like worrying about one of my kids. Gawd knows I am very protective of them, even more so now with these last two. I’m like a clucking hen wanting to still wipe their arse. I always thought when I got older I would be more laid back. It’s the bleedin opposite. I’m around too long to know all the dangers. The ma, she never grew up, never got happy. She would drive Jesus Christ to come down off the cross and strangle her, just to shut up her moaning.

  ‘Oh! I’m nearly there!’ I muttered, seeing the big old hospital rearing up in the distance. I must have been driving on autopilot; my mind wasn’t on the driving. I pulled into the car park, seeing the best place to leave the car. Over there, against the wall. I can keep an eye on it from the top windows. Right! Get moving.

  The lift opened and I turned right, rushing down the passage. The place was alive with activity. A woman in a white coat was pushing a trolley with blood samples. I could see three nurses looking at charts in the office. I turned, hurrying into the ward, getting the familiar smell. It felt like I had even added a bit of my own, I was so used to the place now.

  My eyes lit on Jackser, seeing the empty chair beside his bed. I stopped, walking more slowly now, trying to make this out. Where’s the ma? I thought, stopping beside Jackser. I stared down at him. His breathing was still painful, yet he seemed a bit easier in himself, like he was holding his own. I pulled out the chair and moved in, whispering, ‘Are you all right, Jackser? I’m back!’

  Yeah, he’s awake, I thought, watching as he tried to move. He groaned, then shifted his head, opening his eyes to look at me. They seemed to light up for a minute, then he closed them again.

  ‘Has me ma been in?’ I whispered, leaning into him, wanting to hear.

  ‘Oh, God!’ he sighed, gasping it out on a long breath. He didn’t open his eyes, but I could see he wanted to say something. Then he lifted his hand, barely moving it. I looked down, seeing it open. He wanted me to take it. I put my hand in his and he closed it over mine, gripping it.

  ‘Ahh! Me aul topper! I knew you would come,’ he gasped, trying to get his breath and open his eyes.

  Oh, he must have been waiting for me, or someone, to come.

  ‘Of course,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m here now, Jackser. I had to go home earlier, but I came back to sit with you. I’m going to stay and keep you company,’ I said, gripping his hand, feeling the even tighter iron grip he had on mine.

  Then he opened his eyes, looking at me, staring me straight in the face. I stared back, looking at him very intently, seeing terror staring back at me. I took in the lines and wrinkles deeply cut and dug into his face. It was the face of an old man dying, the eyes looking so very full of regret.

  I lifted my face to his eyes again, seeing them change. There was a flicker, then I saw a deep sadness. They were no longer the eyes of an old man but the eyes of a young child. I could see the pain in them. He looked so lost. Confused. Lonely. I felt like I knew that little boy, like I had carried him around with me all of the days I lived with Jackser. He was pleading with me now, the child I saw staring through Jackser’s eyes. I wasn’t seeing the old man any more. I was seeing the child Jackser had once been. I knew about him. Jackser would sometimes say – very rarely but he would say it – ‘I’m sorry I hurt you, but I was only tryin te do wha’s right for you. Ye see, the Christian Brothers brought me up tha way when I was in Artane. I was there for nine years, from the age of seven. They were very brutal, them Christian Brothers. But they always told us tha was the way te make a man of us. So ye see, I’m only tryin te do what’s right fer ye. But I know I went too far.’

  I would look up at him from the floor, where the lumps would be standing up on me head after a terrible kicking. I wouldn’t be able to straighten meself. Every part of my scrawny, skinny little body would scream in agony. But I would look at him and see the regret. I would see his hands crossed on his chest in fists. He would have a look of terrible sadness. I could see his mind was gone somewhere. He was seeing the picture of himself as a little boy getting beaten to death, nearly. Just like he had done now to me. I would get meself standing and say, ‘Yeah! I’m all right, Jackser. I’m not hurt. I know ye didn’t mean it.’ The words were coming out of me mouth from sheer terror. I would be trying to hold back my sobs, because he didn’t like that – hearing me sob or cry or show pain – but I would feel my heart ease, knowing the terror was over for now.

  So this is the little boy I see now in Jackser. He had no mother to protect him, no one to care except his little brother. He was a year younger and only a six year old. I looked at Jackser’s face, seeing him pleading with me. He was so full of regret.

  I took my hand away, pulling it back gently, then reached over to him and took his head in my arms, saying, ‘I understand everything, Jackser. I know you never really intentionally meant me any great harm. It wasn’t all your fault; you had a very hard life, too. Don’t worry. I’m not holding it against you, Jackser. I’m going to stay here with you for as long as you need me. I promise, Jackser, I won’t leave you alone. When I do leave the room, I won’t be very far away,’ I whispered, letting go of his head resting in my arms, then lifted him gently back on the pillows and sat down, taking his hand in mine.

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ he breathed, gripping my
hand and closing his eyes, then opening them again to look and get his breath. His eyes stared, looking terrified, like he couldn’t catch his breath.

  I saw his colour darken, then he tried to lift his head. I stood up, putting my hand on his chest lightly, feeling it, then on his forehead, whispering, ‘It’s OK, you’re all right. Take it easy, Jackser. Your breath will come.’ I kept murmuring, trying to soothe him. Then he let out a huge wheeze and dropped his head deeper into the pillow. He was breathing again.

  I stroked his forehead, saying, ‘Shush, shush, you’re all right. It’s OK, your breath just got caught there for a minute.’ I could feel his forehead was cold and clammy; he was in a cold sweat. I felt his pyjama top; it felt damp to the touch.

  I looked up, seeing the nurse come into the ward. She was washing her hands at the sink. ‘Nurse,’ I whispered, ‘can you take a look at Jackser? He’s having a hard time trying to breathe.’

  She came over, drying her hands, looking from me to him. ‘Hang on, I’ll take a look at him,’ she said, walking back to the sink to dump the paper towel into the pedal bin. Then she came over and looked down at him.

  ‘Do you know, he’s in a cold sweat,’ I said, watching as she stared down, giving Jackser her professional eye. ‘It’s a pity I don’t have fresh pyjamas for him, Nurse. Would it be possible to give him a sponge down and maybe put fresh pyjamas on him?’

  She said nothing as she reached up, taking the thermometer down from where it hung on the wall just above Jackser’s bed. Then she put it under his arm and lifted his wrist to take his pulse. I watched as she read the thermometer. ‘Yes, he does have a temperature,’ she said, looking thoughtful as she felt his forehead. Then she nodded her head after listening and agreeing with me, while she continued to stare at Jackser, pinning her expert eye on him.

  ‘Yes,’ she finally said. ‘He needs to be changed. We will give him a bed bath, then I will get the doctor to look at him. I’ll be back soon,’ she said, smiling at me, then she took off, making for the door.

  ‘Oh, Nurse!’ I said in a loud whisper, calling after her. ‘Was my mother in today? Did she come in earlier maybe?’

  She shook her head. ‘No. Just yourself. She was in a couple of days ago,’ she said, standing half in and half out the door, waiting while I took this in.

  I smiled at her, saying, ‘OK, thanks, Nurse,’ then she was gone.

  A couple of days ago! Wonder what she’s doing? Maybe she was still asleep this morning when I called. It was early – it must have been about eleven o’clock. Oh, well, one thing at a time, Martha. Do what you’re doing now. Stay with Jackser.

  I was sitting thinking about nothing when the nurse came hurrying back into the ward. She had another nurse with her. The two of them pushed a steel trolley over to the bed, saying, ‘OK! We’re ready. We’ll give him a bed bath, so you can take a break outside,’ she said, pulling the curtains across.

  I stood up, seeing the basin of warm water and washing stuff. Oh, great, they have clean sheets and even a fresh pair of pyjamas. He should be more comfortable after that.

  ‘Thanks, Nurse. I’ll be down in the sitting room. Will you let me know when you’re finished?’

  ‘Sure! No problem. Why don’t you pop down to the canteen and get yourself something to eat? They’re still serving lunch. It’s not over yet,’ she said, checking the time on her watch pinned to the side of her chest. ‘Oh, maybe it’s a bit late,’ she said, letting her face crease into a frown. ‘Two forty-five! No, you’re out of luck, I’m afraid,’ she said, shaking her head and clamping her lips together.

  ‘Ah! Never mind. I’m not hungry, thanks, Nurse, anyway,’ I said, moving for the door.

  ‘But you can still get yourself a cup of tea,’ she said, looking hopeful that might help.

  ‘OK, thanks again, Nurse,’ I smiled, heading off down the corridor. I need a smoke. Maybe I will go down to the canteen even just to take a look, see what’s it’s like. Then again, I could always go down at teatime; they will be starting to serve the grub again. Yeah, that might suit me better!

  7

  I was sitting down having a smoke when I heard the ma’s voice.

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘Gawd! I would know that voice anywhere,’ I laughed, jumping up and rushing to the door, with me heart taking a flying leap at the delight in hearing the ma. ‘I’m in here, Ma!’ I shouted, before I even saw her.

  ‘Here you are!’ she said, hurrying down to me. ‘Ahhh, would you look at you!’

  ‘How are you, Ma?’ I said, putting my arm around her shoulder, bringing her into the sitting room. God almighty! I thought, looking at her. She’s shrunk. She looks ninety, the poor thing. I stared at her, seeing her hair was nearly stone grey, but her face was an even darker grey. Jesus, the eyes are sunk in the back of her head and she’s looking really confused and lost. Like she doesn’t know where she’s going or what she’s doing.

  ‘Are you OK? What happened to you? Where were you, Ma? Do you know I was over at the flat this morning looking for you?’ I said, letting her hear the worry in my voice. ‘I was really worried about you.’

  ‘Ah! Worry! Sure, who worries about me?’ she said sourly, turning her head away from me.

  ‘Well, I was, Ma! You should know that by now,’ I said, sounding half-annoyed with her. ‘So! What happened, Ma? How did Jackser take bad?’

  ‘Ahh! Don’t be talkin! I’m still not the better of it,’ she said, turning her eye away from me, much as to say her whole world is upside down.

  Ah, bloody hell! I had hoped she might have found it a merciful release with Jackser being in hospital; she would be able to breathe again. But it’s the opposite! She’s lost without him after nearly more than half her life living with him. Jesus, everything is getting turned on its head. Nothing is ever as simple as we think it will be. It is a bit like the old saying: be careful what you wish for! Now it’s come and she’s in bits.

  ‘They’re in there givin him a wash, Martha, them nurses!’ she said, making it sound like they were giving him a crucifixion.

  ‘Yeah, Ma, it will do him good. They’re going to change the sheets and put fresh, warm pyjamas on him. He needs the good of that, Ma. It will make him feel a lot more comfortable,’ I said, trying to get the idea out of her head that they were trying to kill him.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she keened, wrapping her hands around each other like she was cold.

  ‘Come on. Sit down here and rest yourself, Ma,’ I said moving her over, wanting her to sit down in a comfortable chair beside the window. ‘Take it easy, Ma. Tell us what happened. Where were you?’

  ‘Nowhere! Sure, where would I be? I was at home.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘When do ye think? All day!’

  ‘But, Ma, I was banging on the door this morning, Ma. You didn’t answer me! Where were you?’

  ‘Wha time was tha, Martha?’

  ‘About eleven o’clock this morning. I just told you. Why didn’t you answer the door?’

  ‘No! No one knocked on my door,’ she said, looking like she was miles away.

  I stared at her. She must have been there all the time. I knew it! She’s lost. Oh, Jesus! Someone has to keep an eye on her. But who? Pity Charlie can’t. No, wouldn’t work – those two hate each other. Sally! Where is she? I wondered.

  ‘Ma, did Sally come up to see you?’

  ‘No! No one. Sure, who’s left te come? They’ve all fucked off an left me te fend fer meself. That’s all the thanks I get for rearin them,’ she said, sounding very hard done by. I would laugh, except she is serious! Only it feels more like a crying matter.

  ‘Is them nurses ready wit him yet, Martha?’ she asked, looking up at me hopefully.

  I shook my head and sighed. ‘No, Ma, they’ll tell us when they are. Listen, Ma, come and let’s get you something to eat. What time is it? We can get something in the canteen when it opens,’ I said, wondering what time that will be.

  ‘I’m not hungr
y,’ she said, shaking her head in disgust at the idea of eating.

  ‘Well, you have to eat, Ma. Sit there a minute and I’ll get you a hot cup of tea. I need one myself; it will keep us going until teatime. Maybe the nurse might give us one if I ask nicely. Huh, Ma? Will I ask?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she muttered, staring at the floor, not seeing it.

  ‘She’s lost in her own world,’ I sighed, feeling very worried about her. ‘Wait here, Ma. I’ll be back in a minute.’

  I hurried off down the corridor, heading for the nurses’ station. No, no one here! I’ll take a quick look, see what’s around, I thought, looking into the rooms on the side, where the nurses go.

  I put me head in a door, seeing a big stainless-steel kitchen. I flew in, taking a look around. A big kettle with teapots stood next to an urn, for instantly boiling the water. Me eyes slid down the room, taking in the trolleys all lined up against each other, with trays already prepared for the patients’ evening tea. A huge fridge hummed against the wall on the other side of the room. Great! Just what the doctor ordered, I beamed, feeling me eyes light up. Ah! There’s the toaster! Lovely, very handy. Right! I’ll just have a quick peep in the fridge, I thought, looking around, beginning to get a bit nervous. I’m afraid someone might come in and think I’m up to no good. Hurry!

  I whipped open the fridge and me eyes lit up! Yoghurts, butter, milk. Jaysus! There’s eatin an livin in this place. I whipped the head around, seeing the crusty-looking fresh pans of bread. They were all stacked on top of each other, waiting in the corner of the worktop. ‘What more could a body want?’ I puffed, muttering to meself. Will I make the tea myself? Save the nurses the bother? No, definitely not. They could see it as trespassing. I do not, most definitely, want trouble with them! Ah, they’ve been very good. They’re really nice. Right! Now to find a nurse.

  I rushed out, spotting a nurse coming out of a ward. ‘Nurse! Nurse,’ I panted, rushing after her as she made for another room.