Fatalism

by LK Collins

  “Wow. Looks like you’re having a great day. I’m so glad to see that you’re out and about, driving around with your top down and music blaring. I’m happy you’re handling this so well.”

  Was he fucking serious? Did he not know me at all?

  “Vincent, cut the crap. You know damn well I’m not handling this well. You broke my fucking heart, so please tell me, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

  “I want to know why you had my brother give me back the car. I told Cara I didn’t want it. The least you could’ve done was face me yourself.”

  I walked past him and went to the front door. I sure as hell was not going to be fighting on my front porch with him.

  “That car is yours. You loaned it to me for one day. I gave you the opportunity to take it back last night, and you refused. It was blocking my car, so I had Abel return it to you.”

  He was inches behind me, and the fucking door wouldn’t open.

  Damn lock!

  “Why can’t you keep it?”

  I spun around, shocked and glaring at him. “I don’t want the fucking car, Vincent. Don’t you see what you did? You broke my trust and you lied to me. Not only did you lie to me, but we had a deal, and you went behind my back.”

  “Fuck your deal. That’s not what this is about. You were having second thoughts about us. I know you were.”

  What was he talking about? I was in love with him. I still am, and I for once in my life, I can honestly say that I never second-guessed a minute I spent with him. I opened the door and flew inside. I went the couch and turned to see him heading towards me.

  Vincent continued, “Just like Angela, you doubted me. Rather than speak to me about it, you brushed it off like it was nothing. Then you decide I have to agree to some bullshit deal while you figure out what the fuck you want. Well, news flash, babe. Welcome to the real world where people talk about their feelings. I wanted you, plain and simple, and I didn’t care who knew. Clearly I wasn’t enough for you, and you found your way out by saying I lied to you. Now you believe some bullshit my ex has told you. Alexa, I never lied to you. Every word, every feeling, and every emotion that I shared with you was from my heart and one hundred percent true. I fucking love you.”

  “Vincent, stop it. You can’t come in here and say things like that. Just leave. Go find Angela or another one of your girlfriends.”

  His eyes blazed with a mix of anger and pain as he looked at me. I placed my head in my hands, and I tried to collect my wits. When I looked up, he had walked out on me. I froze like a statue, unable to move. My breathing increased, and I gasped for air. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest all over again. I know I told him to go, but having him walk out on me brought the pain from the last night to surface. I realized I was hyperventilating just as my vision blurred. The world around me spun, and I was panting for air. I grasped for my breath, but it was gone. There was nothing left for me grab onto; it had walked out the door.

  “Are you okay?”

  I looked up to Cara, and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch. My memory clicked with the events that had taken place earlier in the day. I must have passed out after Vincent left.

  She grabbed my arm to help me stand. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”

  I halted in my tracks and shook my head. I couldn’t go in there and sleep in that bed. I couldn’t lay there where we had so many times and loved one another. I crawled back on the couch, and she covered me with my blanket. Cara moved the loose tendrils of hairs out of my face.

  “Do you need anything?” she asked.

  “A bottle of water would be great.”

  She got up and went into the kitchen. “Did you know the front door was wide open?”

  “He was here,” I said.

  She spun around and looked at me wide eyed. “What do you mean he was here? Did you call him?”

  I kept my calm and gathered my thoughts before I spoke. “No. When I came home from my drive he was here waiting and pissed about the car. He walked out on me. It’s over between us, Cara.”

  “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry I wasn’t home.”

  “It’s okay. It had to be done. Maybe now we both can move on.”

  “You’re a strong and brave girl, you know that?” she said.

  I didn’t feel strong or brave. Inside everything was broken, I was completely shattered. I may put on the façade that I was strong, but the truth be known, I was far from it.

  Vincent had worked from home this week. It made things easier to not have to see him. I had survived three days straight at work putting on a façade. It took all of my strength to act as though everything was normal. I only had two more days of this torture and then I could crawl into a ball on my couch for the weekend.

  I hadn’t made it back to the hospital since Vivian went off on me. Bridgette had been asking to have dinner with me. I kept making up excuses, avoiding her. I didn’t want to explain what had happened with Vincent. I knew if I saw her that she would be asking questions about us, and I couldn’t lie.

  All I could do at this point was focus on getting through the minutes of each day. I didn’t know what the next minute would bring or where my emotions would take me. As I looked down at the clock on my computer it was already four o’clock, and I was exhausted. I hadn’t been taking lunches, so I gathered my things to head home and sulk.

  Cara wasn’t home tonight, she was working another swing shift. Walking into the quiet house was still something I didn’t like. I went over and turned the T.V. on, along with a few lights. I popped a piece of toast into the toaster and headed into my room to change. Toast had become my new meal of choice. It was all that tasted good and about the only thing that I could keep down. I put on the rattiest sweats and t-shirt I had and went back to the kitchen. My toast popped up, and I added a little butter on it before making myself comfortable on the couch. I was trying my best to move forward and out of this slump, but something was holding me back.

  I woke around four in the morning after only having an hour of sleep. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. I had tried every day this week and was unsuccessful, so why try to beat a dead horse today. I decided to go ahead and throw myself together.

  The one good thing about these extremely early mornings was the lack of traffic and I was the first one at the office. I was able to stay caught up on what I needed to do and was even helping Portia with some of her work.

  Since it had been close to five days with little to no sleep, I knew my appearance looked like death. I stayed as busy as I could to keep from talking to others. I also spent a great deal of time in the file room, alone. My skin was pale, and I had black circles under my eyes. It didn’t help that I couldn’t keep much food down.

  I was surviving solely on caffeine thank God my body craved it. It was time for my second latte of the morning as my stomach growled to remind me. I took the elevator down and walked across the street to the Starbucks. When I walked in, I was the only customer. The employees had gotten to know me well and knew my order, so I paid and was on my way back to work in no time. The weather outside was nice today. It was finally starting to cool down since we were in September.

  I texted Cara as I walked back, just like I did every day to say ‘good morning’ and to let her know I was well. As I exited the elevator and rounded the corner to my desk, my heart stopped when I saw Vincent in his office.

  Shit, he’s here!

  I kept my head down and went straight to my desk. I knew he had a perfect view of me as I did of him. I didn’t dare let him see me looking at him, especially in the condition I was in. Quite frankly, I looked pathetic.

  I grabbed my purse and went to the bathroom. When I walked in, I rested myself against the sink and turned on the water and splashed it on my face. I focused solely on my breathing to try and keep it under control. The last thing I needed was to pass out at work. The cold water calmed me, and I felt a little better. I dried my face and put on as much p
owder as I could to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I added a thick layer of lips gloss in hopes that it would draw any attention away from my eyes and to my mouth. I took a few more calming breaths before I left the bathroom. I wanted to make sure that I was in complete and total control.

  Vincent was talking to C.J. when I left the bathroom. I was surprised to see him looking so great. He seemed to be well rested and didn’t have any dark circles under his eyes like I did. Apparently, he no longer needed me to help with his insomnia. Maybe that was another lie as well, or since Angela was here, he now had her. I heard him apologize to C.J. for working from home this week. He told him he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to get anyone else in the office sick. What a liar. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

  I walked past them without looking in their direction. I could feel both of their eyes on me as I passed, but I kept my head held high and went back to my desk. I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to see him again, much less working together. This was going to be nearly impossible. I don’t think I would be able to come in here every day and look at him.

  I searched online for paralegal jobs in the Denver area. I had to find a new job, plain and simple. Vincent was a partner here, so there was no way that he was going to leave. I kept myself occupied with job searching for hours. It was four o’clock when I checked the time, and as usual I left since I hadn’t taken a lunch. I grabbed my stuff and started to walk towards the elevator without looking in the direction of his office. As much as I wanted to glance in there, I didn’t. I put my head down and focused on getting out of there as fast as I could.

  Vincent caught me as I waited for the elevator. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked with concern etched across his face.

  What kind of question was that? Was I okay? I was at a loss for words and didn’t want to break down. I swallowed hard and nodded my head. He stepped closer to me and ran the back of his hand down my cheek. Instinctively, I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. When the elevator arrived, I had to force myself to walk into it. I wanted nothing more than to collapse in his arms, but I couldn’t.

  As I stood in the elevator, I looked into his eyes and pressed the lobby button.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked.

  I gave him a half smile and nodded my head as tears started rolling down my cheeks. Unable to take my eyes off of him as the doors closed, I watched him until he was gone.

  On my drive home I called Bridgette. I had been blowing her off for days and wanted to apologize.

  “Hey, Bridge. How are you, doll?”

  “Hey, I’m good. Mom’s doing really well. All her blood work came back normal. So they scheduled her surgery for tomorrow morning.”

  “Oh, good, sweetie, I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Do you want to have dinner tonight? I really miss you?”

  I knew I should be there for Bridgette, but I felt so tired, and seeing Vincent today had taken a toll on me emotionally.

  “I wish I could, I really do, but I have to work late.”

  “Okay. I understand. How are you?”

  “I...I’m okay. Just busy with work, like always.”

  “Well, that’s good. I’m glad to hear that work is busy.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I love you.”

  “Love you too, doll. Bye.”

  After I hung up, traffic came to a halt on the freeway. Great. This was just what I didn’t need tonight. As I rolled through the slow traffic, I pictured Vincent’s face as the elevator doors closed. He looked genuinely concerned, although well rested. Maybe he was relieved that we were broken up and took a few days to give me space. I knew I needed to come to terms with the fact there was no future for us, but that was easier said than done.

  I felt bad for lying to Bridgette about working late and not having dinner, but my mind had been too preoccupied with Vincent. I wouldn’t have been good company.

  I slept for a total of two hours, which was the most sleep I’ve had in almost a week. It was six o’clock, and thankfully Starbucks was open. I slipped on a pair of leggings and a hoodie and quietly went outside. The weather was crisp, but a nice change from the heat I had become accustomed to.

  The walk to Starbucks was short. It took me all of five minutes to get there, and at this time of the morning, there were few customers. I forced myself to order a yogurt and a croissant. I knew I needed to eat. Normally, I would devour the croissant, so I knew if there was anything I was going to keep down other than toast, it would be this. I knew I should be eating better. Vincent was taking good care of himself, so why shouldn’t I?

  I sat down with my latte and breakfast to eat what I could. The croissant tasted great, but watching my spoon poke around in the yogurt made with the fresh berries unsettled my stomach. When I left, the sun was rising, and the birds were chirping, it was a surreal feeling being out this early in the morning. I had become all too familiar with these early morning walks with my lack of sleep. As I headed back home, I managed to eat the rest of my croissant and sipped on my latte.

  The house was still dark and quiet when I got home. I took my time checking my emails. By the time I looked at the clock, I was running late. We had our usual morning staff meeting, which I was in charge of filling everyone in on a new case.

  I hopped in the shower and washed myself as quickly as I could. When I got out, I wrapped myself in a towel and started my normal process with as much speed as I was capable of. After my hair was done, I applied a little make up and ran into my closet. I picked out my simple grey dress slacks with a baby pink silk top. When I laid the clothes on my bed, I noticed a missed call from Bridgette on my cell phone. As I called her back, I walked into the bathroom to put some lotion on before I got dressed.

  “Hey, sorry I missed you. I was drying my hair.”

  She was sobbing uncontrollably, and I knew something was wrong.

  “Bridgette, what’s the matter?”

  “Fuck, Lex. I can’t believe it. She’s gone.”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  “Mom. She died.”

  I fell to the floor. The weight of what she just said hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

  “I don’t understand. How did this happen?”

  She continued to cry, and I knew I had to get to her.

  “It’s okay. Just stay where you are, and I’ll be right there.”

  I threw my phone across the room and it shattered. How the fuck did this happen? My mother was dead. She was fine last night. I tried to get up, but the emotions took over. I should have gone to see her last night.

  I got on all fours in an attempt to get up, but couldn’t. I screamed into the ground and rested my head against the cold tile floor. I never thought losing her would feel like this. Tears ran down my cheeks, and everything within me hurt. I was to the point of hyperventilating, wailing while I let everything out.

  My entire life I never had anything go my way. Vivian had never been there for me, and now that she was gone, it hurt. All I wanted was Vincent, he would make everything better. But he was gone too, this was all too much for me to take. My life was one shit storm after another. The one time I had something good that felt so right it was taken away. I didn’t have Vincent anymore, and now I had lost my only parent. Although she was shitty and made my life hell, she was still my mother.

  Cara must have heard me and came in. She sat on the floor with me and wrapped her arms around me. I cried into my best friends shoulder for God knows how long. She rocked us back and forth, while I let out every last ounce of energy I had.

  Nausea took over, and I pushed off of Cara, barely making it to the toilet. I vomited up my breakfast. The doorbell started to ring repeatedly and then I heard banging on the front door. Cara hopped up and ran out of the room, I wondered if it was Bridgette. I didn’t know how long I had been in the bathroom, but thinking of Vivian being gone made me start to hyperventilate again. The roo
m started to spin. I leaned my head on the wall behind me to keep from fading into the darkness and tried to control my breathing.

  Something caught the corner of my eye. When I turned to see what it was, it was him. Vincent was standing in the doorway with despair in his eyes. He raced over to me and wrapped me in him arms. I embraced him tightly; like it was the last time I was going to see him. He pulled away and placed his large hands on either side of my face and stared into my eyes. Without speaking we stared at one another, and it caused me to cry harder than I ever had before. He folded me securely in his arms. I felt mixed emotions, not only over the loss of my mother, but because I was in the arms of the man I loved whom I had recently lost as well. He sat on the floor with me, holding me tightly against his body. He smelt of Vincent, clean and light. My towel fell off but I didn’t care. I clung to him and he rocked us back and forth in silence. My tears soaked through his black shirt and was now stained white with my make-up.

  He finally spoke. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and buried it in the crook of his neck. I nestled my naked body closer to him. I saw Cara come in, and she grabbed the blanket off of my bed. She came over to us and draped it over me. Vincent didn’t move his arms; he kept me tucked tightly in his hold as she laid the blanket over me.

  “Vivian passed away this morning. We just found out before you got here,” Cara said to him.

  He kissed the top of my head and laid his cheek against my hair.

  “Lex, do you want me to go to the hospital and get Bridge? I don’t want her there alone,” Cara asked.

  I nodded my head, unable to speak at that moment. I knew that I needed to be there for my sister, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Vincent’s arms.

  Cara kneeled down and rubbed my back. “I’ll be right back, sweetie. Just take deep breaths and stay calm. You got her, Vincent?”

  “Yeah. We’ll be fine,” he said.

  I didn’t want to move. I was afraid that if I did, I would wake up from the comfort of Vincent’s arms and he would be gone. Cara left and my sobs eventually stopped.