Fatalism

by LK Collins

  I looked at Bridgette and admired her strength. Although she was younger that I was, she was truly the rock of our little family.

  “What do you say we do something fun together today, just you and I? Anything you want, we can do,” I said.

  “Really? We can do whatever I want?”

  “Yes. You’re my sister, and I love you. I know that we haven’t had the closest relationship lately, but I want that to change. I want to hang out like we used to. I want to know you like a sister and not someone that I always have to protect.”

  “I would love that.”

  “Great. What should we do?”

  “I have the perfect thing in mind, but you have to be open-minded and trust me. Can you do that?”

  “Yeah, of course I can.”

  “Great. Let’s get going then. Can I drive your car?”

  “Sure, but on one condition; you have to be really safe.”

  She smiled at me and my stomach turned. It was my pride and joy, but I promised Bridgette that I would be open-minded.

  She turned the Mercedes into an unfamiliar lot and pulled into a parking spot. On the building in front of us, was a huge wall of graffiti. We walked around the building, and I noticed the sign on the door that read, ‘Tattoo.’

  I whipped my head around and stared my sister in the face. “Are you serious right now?”

  “Calm down. You said you would be open-minded.”

  She opened the door and let me walk in ahead of her. A short skinny guy, who was covered with tattoos and had gauged ears, greeted us.

  “Holy shit, Bridgette. Is that you?” he said.

  She ran up to him as he rounded the counter and they embraced in a hug.

  “Yup, it’s me. I told you I would come and get a tattoo from you one day. That day happens to be today, and I brought my sister along as well. Alexa, this is Jordan. He and I went to school together.”

  “I can see the resemblance. You guys look identical,” he said.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jordan. Forgive me if I seem a little nervous, but my sister just sprung this on me.”

  He laughed a little. “It’s all good. We get a lot of first-timers in here.”

  “Well today you are dealing with two of them,” I said.

  He and Bridgette exchanged a look, and I knew I was missing out on something.

  They both nodded their heads, and Jordan pulled out a few portfolios with sample drawings in them.

  “Here why don’t you guys take a look at these, and I’ll get the station set up.”

  We flipped through the pages and talked about every possible option we could do. We wanted to do something as sisters. It came down to each of us getting an orchid with half of a butterfly perched on it. I would have one wing and she would have the other, resembling each of us. We decided to place them on our rib cages. Bridgette went first, and when she pulled up her baby blue tank top, I was shocked to see the script scrolling down her other side. She had a full length quote on her body.

  “When did you get that?” I asked.

  “I got it for my eighteenth birthday. I actually have five tattoos. This will be my sixth.”

  My eyes bugged out of my head. “Why didn’t I know that you have five tattoos?”

  “I never show anyone. They’re part of who I am and private. I like to keep it that way.”

  “What does this one say?” I asked, pointing to the script.

  “It’s the lyrics to the song you used to sing to me when we were kids and hid in the closet while mom was having one of her episodes.”

  I couldn’t believe that Bridgette had a tattoo resembling something that I used to do. I didn’t think that she remembered those times. I have pushed those memories back as far as I could. When Vivian was off of her medication, and in a crazy fit of rage, I would hide Bridgette in the closet with me. We would cuddle and I would sing softy to drown out the noises trying to keep her calm. Vivian never even noticed we were missing.

  “I’m sorry that you remember those times. I tried to protect you to ensure that you never had to relive them again.”

  “It’s okay. I’m glad that I had you with me to get through it. That’s why I got the tattoo. Like I said, my tattoos are sort of who I am. They all have a story to be told. I’ll show you the rest later and tell you about them, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, looking at my sister in awe.

  “Okay, now let’s do this for us.”

  Bridgette took her tattoo like a champ. She laid on her side and allowed Jordan to do his work. The colors and detail were amazing. As I watched him, I thought about what Vincent was going to say about my tattoo and if he would like it. He didn’t have any tattoos himself.

  With the way he worshipped my body, I think he would love any addition I added to it. I did wonder how he would feel if I got something for him. I was in love with him, and we had determined that we couldn’t live without one another. Why not give him something to show that every time we were intimate.

  “All right sis, you’re up,” Bridgette said.

  I snapped out of my daydream and went to get worked on. The pain wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be. It was no worse than what I had recently endured. Plus, I was doing it for my sister.

  He finished mine, in what felt like record speed, and I checked it out in the mirror. Bridgette and I stood back-to-back, looking at the two wings of the butterfly now becoming one. It was beautiful. I saw the smile on her face through the mirror. It felt good knowing I had a part in making her so happy.

  “What do you girls think? Do you like them?” Jordan asked.

  “I love it,” Bridgette said.

  “I love mine as well. Thank you.”

  “Of course. Let’s get the aftercare instructions, and I’ll ring you up so you can both enjoy the rest of your day,” he said.

  “Actually, I want to get another one. Something small. Do you have time to do that today?” I asked.

  “Yeah, of course. What were you thinking?”

  Bridgette looked at me and gave me a smile. I knew that she would support my decision, and it was nice knowing that I had her on my side.

  “I want to get a V inside of a heart.”

  “Yeah, I can do that, for sure. Where do you want it?”

  I pointed to the outside of my upper right thigh.

  “That’s perfect. Can I free-hand draw it on you and add some detail?” he asked.

  “Yeah, that would be awesome.”

  After our tattoos, we had lunch. When we got back home, Vincent was there. I was so nervous to show him my tattoos.

  We walked inside, and he was working at the dining room table on his laptop. “Hey. You guys are back early. I thought you’d be out all day,” he said.

  I walked over to him, and he pulled me onto his lap. I yelped in pain as his hand crashed against my tattoo.

  “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” he asked.

  Bridgette grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and laughed to herself.

  “No, you didn’t hurt me. Bridgette did.”

  She swung around with a smirk on her face. “So now this is my fault?”

  “Will one of you please tell me what is going on here?” Vincent asked.

  Bridgette lifted her shirt and showed him her tattoo. His eyes darted to me, and he lifted the hem of mine. I stayed frozen in his arms, scared of his reaction. He rubbed his thumb around the swollen skin and met my eyes.

  “Do you like it?” I asked.

  “Yeah. It’s beautiful. Tell me about them. What do they mean?”

  Bridgette rambled on and then proceeded to show us her collection of art. She has some amazing tattoos. I was still in shock that I was unaware that she had so many tattoos.

  Cara cooked us dinner, and we all ate together. Not long after, we retired to our rooms in preparation for tomorrow. I was grateful that I didn’t have to go through this alone and that I would be able to get a full night’s sleep with Vincent by my side. As h
e closed the door behind him, he pinned me with those hazel eyes.

  “You are so fucking gorgeous. I’ve been imagining the things I want to do to you all day.”

  I was excited and also scared of showing him my other tattoo. I swallowed hard and pulled my pants downs. He sauntered over to me, and I turned to my side. His eyes scanned down my body as I removed my shirt, when he saw my thigh, he dropped to the floor.

  He stared at it, and my heart pounded so hard against my chest, I swore he could hear it. His expression was unreadable. He was frozen, kneeling next to me, just staring. His lips brushed just below the sensitive skin, and the feeling sent a tingle through my body.

  “Is this for me?” he asked.

  “Uh huh. Do you like it?”

  “Do I like it? I fucking love it. You put a tattoo on your body for me in my favorite place, and it looks sexy as hell on your pink skin. It’s swollen and angry, and I can’t imagine the pain you went through for me. God, I love you.”

  He lifted me onto the bed and covered my body with his.

  “Alexa?”

  “Yeah?”

  He shook his head as he searched for the right words. “I want to fuck you so hard.”

  “I want that too, but my sister and Cara are upstairs so we have to be quiet.”

  “I don’t want us to have to be quiet. I want you to be able to let go, let your body release how it’s feeling. Move in with me.”

  “What? We just got back together.”

  “It makes sense to live together.”

  “I know it does. Just give me a little time to think about it, okay?”

  “Okay, but first, I need to pay some attention to my new favorite piece of art.”

  His kissed and tickled the skin around my tattoo. It melted my heart to see him so elated over it. I was worried that he wouldn’t like it. As he grazed my entire body with his mouth and left a trail of sweet kisses everywhere, my mind drifted.

  I wanted to move in with him, I really did, but I was also scared. Things with us had moved so quickly. I wanted to make sure that when I did move in, it was forever. I’m not saying I needed an engagement ring, but I needed to know that we were strong and solid. I couldn’t bear to lose him again and I feared rushing things would do just that.

  I hadn’t been to a funeral since my grandfather passed away. I could never bring myself to attend them when those around me had passed. In this case, I didn’t have the luxury of not going and sending my condolences. This was my mother.

  The church had been transformed into a beautiful layout all in remembrance of Vivian. Vincent had gone above and beyond to ensure that every last detail of what Bridgette said she wanted was fulfilled.

  There were more people here than I thought there would be, but I recently found out that Vivian was heavily involved in the church. We had her cremated, and as I sat in the front row nestled in Vincent’s hold, I stared at the gleaming silver urn that held her remains. It was all that we had left of her, minus the memories. There was a dozen or so flower arrangements all around her urn and a large poster-sized picture.

  The service began and the pastor spoke. His words told me she had traveled to the other side and that she was okay. Bridgette took the podium and spoke about her. Watching my baby sister up there, speaking of the mother she loved killed me. It was almost unbearable to watch, but Bridgette was strong. As she fought through the tears, I wished I could take away the pain she was feeling. The service ended with one of Vivian’s favorite Bob Marley songs.

  As we stood to head out of the church, a line formed, and people of all different walks of life expressed their condolences and sorrow. Vincent stayed by my side and shook the hands of those who greeted us. It felt like I was in a daze of a revolving door as people kept coming up to me over and over and over.

  Finally, there came a break, and I saw Vincent speaking to a middle-aged man. As they shook hands, the man made eye contact with me, and I froze, immediately recognizing him. It was my father. I hadn’t seen him since the morning he left us when I was eight. He smiled kindly at me and walked away. The procession continued, and in between trying to figure out why he didn’t speak to me, and the constant amount of people, I felt my anxiety kick in. I quickly lost my breath and panicked, grabbing Vincent by the lapels of his jacket. He looked in my eyes and the blackness took over.

  “Lex, baby. Can you hear me?” Vincent spoke in a hushed voice.

  I felt a cold hand on my wrist. “Her pulse is strong,” Cara said.

  I forced my eyes open and Bridgette was standing over me with a cold, damp cloth on my forehead. “There you are. You scared the crap out of us. What happened?” she said.

  I looked around me to find the three people that I absolutely and unconditionally loved most in this world.

  “I don’t know. I must have hyperventilated again. I lost my breath when thinking about seeing him, and I was gone.”

  “Saw who?” Bridgette asked.

  “No one that either of you would know,” Vincent interrupted.

  My eyes darted to him, and he leaned down to kiss me cheek. I was in his arms, and he whispered in my ear, “Trust me, love. I’ll tell you everything.”

  I looked at him and gave a small nod. I had nothing but faith and trust in this man. If he said to trust him, I would do just that. I learned to never doubt him.

  “I don’t know what happened, but can we go home now?”

  “No. You need to see a doctor,” Cara snapped.

  “You said yourself that my pulse was fine. I’m sure I just need to eat something. Let’s go home and eat, and I promise I’ll go to the doctor if I don’t feel well tomorrow.”

  “You promise?”

  “Yes.”

  Vincent didn’t set me down or give me the chance to walk on my own two feet; he carried me outside to the waiting limo. We all got in, and I stayed in his lap, resting my head against his chest. The car ride was quiet, and I couldn’t stop thinking about my father and why he had come to Vivian’s funeral. What did he want after all of these years? I was also curious as to why he felt comfortable speaking to Vincent and not to me or Bridgette.

  When the limo pulled up to the condo, we all went inside. I immediately went into my room, and Vince followed me. As soon as he shut the door, I wanted answers.

  “What the hell happened? Do you have any idea who that was?” I questioned.

  “Yes. It was your father.”

  “Why was he there? What did he say? Why didn’t he speak to me or Bridgette?”

  “Slow down, babe. I don’t want you to get upset again. Take a seat, and we’ll talk.”

  I sat on the bed and crossed my arms. He sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap.

  “Please don’t act like that. Let me explain, okay?”

  I wrapped my arms around him and looked into his beautiful face.

  “Obviously, I didn’t know who he was at first, but when he approached me, he acted as if he knew me. He called me Lincoln. I was confused, so I corrected him. He said he was sorry that he thought I was Vivian’s son, Lincoln.”

  “Oh my God. Are you serious?”

  My mother had a son?

  “Yes, I’m one hundred percent serious. When we cleared up who I was, he asked how you and Bridgette were doing. I said that you both were doing as well as could be expected. He asked if I would take care of the both of you, and I promised I would. That’s when you saw him and he left.”

  I ran my hands over my face trying to process what I had just heard. Bridgette and I had a brother.

  “What am I supposed to say to Bridgette?”

  “That’s why I didn’t want you to tell her at the church. I wanted you to have time to process it and then we could figure out what to do with the information. Maybe we should figure out if Lincoln really exists, and if he is in fact your brother. Then we will tell her about him, but if this isn’t true, it may be better that she doesn’t know.”

  He was right.

  “Okay. But how d
o we search for him? Do we just start with the internet?”

  “No, beautiful. You’re not doing anything. I’ll hire someone, and they will do everything. For now, try and enjoy your last day with Bridgette before she has to go back to school.”

  I nodded my head and leaned up to kiss him. He cupped my face with both of his hands and asked, “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

  “I’m fine. I promise. I’ll make a doctor’s appointment if it happens again.”

  He kissed me, and I didn’t waste a minute taking it farther, sliding my tongue in his mouth and twisting my body so I was straddling him. His hands moved to my hips and slid down my thighs as our mouths worked with each other’s. His fingers brushed my tattoo under my dress, and he lifted it, stopping the kiss to look at it.

  “This is so beautiful. I absolutely love it,” he said as he traced his finger around the outline of it.

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I do. Have you thought any more about moving in with me?”

  “I haven’t had a chance to think about it, but I will.”

  I felt horrible lying to him. I had plenty of time to think about it and over-analyze the situation. I needed to tell him, that I was scared. I was worried that we were rushing things. I couldn’t bear to lose him again, and moving in with someone full time and working with them was a lot to put on a relationship.

  I climbed off of his lap and went to join the girls while Vincent stayed in my room to make a few phone calls.

  “Wow, it smells amazing. What are you guys cooking?” I asked.

  “BLTs and pasta salad. Does that sound good to you?” Cara asked.

  “Yes. I’m starving, and I finally have my appetite back.”

  “Where’s Vincent?” Bridgette asked.

  “He’s making a few phone calls. He’ll be right out.”

  I set the table and couldn’t help but think that I may have a brother out there. I wondered how it was even possible. Why hadn’t Vivian told us about him?

  We all sat down for lunch. It was the first full meal I had eaten in weeks. After we ate, I was full and tired. I laid on the couch, and my eyelids became heavy as everyone sat around and visited. I had my feet rested in Vincent’s lap, and he softly rubbed them.