Purpose

by Andrew Q. Gordon

  “Faces?”

  Ryan nodded. “Yeah, angry faces. They flash through my dreams sometimes. And the people are attacking me. But the images are over so fast, I can barely remember anything other than there were faces.”

  Unsure he wanted to ask the obvious, Will watched Ryan carefully. “Are these images a series of faces that flash one after the other? Almost like a video on fast-forward?”

  Frowning for a moment, Ryan nodded again. “Yeah, that’s one way to think of them. Why? Does that mean anything to you?”

  “Yes.” Now he regretted not searching Ryan’s memories first. “Can you focus on when you last remember that happening?”

  “Sure, but what does it mean?” The look on Ryan’s face held a mix of concern and anxious curiosity.

  “Let me see if I’m right before I say anything.” He ran his fingers lightly over Ryan’s lips to keep him from answering. “Otherwise, my answer might dominate your thoughts, making it harder for me to find what I need.”

  He barely heard Ryan say “Okay” before he slipped back into Ryan’s mind. Immediately, he latched onto the strongest memory. Focused on the image, he delved into Ryan’s subconscious, where this memory would be clearer.

  Part of him wanted to be wrong, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. Two Purposes? Was Ryan his replacement? That would explain how he could feel what Will felt.

  In all his stored memories, he’d never found another Purpose. The idea that there was only one It seemed improbable, but there was no proof of any except the one that had chosen him.

  Finding the memory, he watched the different faces speed past one after the other. As Ryan had said, each image was angry, violent even. In most, the aggression was directed at Ryan. Only these weren’t dreams, they were memories.

  Exploring further, the jumble of snapshots held no resemblance to those of his prior hosts. They were shorter—much shorter—angrier, and frantic. But they “felt” exactly like the stored memories in his mind. Only the content was different.

  The whirl of images threatened to overwhelm even his enhanced abilities. No wonder Ryan couldn’t deal with them in a conscious moment. Preparing to back out and teach Ryan tricks to control them, his mind clamped down on a trio of faces that suddenly popped up. Faces he knew.

  It can’t be.

  Holding onto the faces, he reached for the entire memory.

  “Will?” Ryan’s voice forced him to blink. “What’s wrong?”

  “Huh?” Sitting back, he realized the other mind was gone. “Nothing.”

  That was a lie, but he needed time to assimilate everything.

  “You… you let out a sob.”

  Keeping his eyes on the bed, he couldn’t remember doing that. “I did?”

  Rubbing Will’s back, Ryan sat up. “What happened?”

  “David.” He met Ryan’s anxious stare. “I watched David’s killers beat him to death in your memories.”

  Ryan dropped his hand from Will’s back. “How is that possible?”

  Unable to answer that for himself, he shrugged. “It shouldn’t be, but it was there.”

  “Wait, you said memories, not dreams.” For a moment, Ryan seemed to retreat into himself as Will nodded. “You think… think he’s… reborn in me?”

  “No.” The word came out without a thought. Ryan wasn’t David. “There were thousands of others there as well.”

  “Thousands?”

  “Remember when I told you that all the memories of the prior hosts came with the Purpose?” Ryan nodded blankly. “That’s what those are. They’re not dreams, they’re memories.”

  “Memories…?”

  “Of prior hosts.” He waited for Ryan to work through what he’d said. “There’s one of these things inside you.”

  19

  HEAD shaking violently Ryan’s eyes grew wider. “No, no, no. Get it out. Get it out of me.”

  His attempt to pull Ryan closer was met with a determined push. While not enough to hold him back, the shove was harder than Ryan should have been capable of.

  “Calm down. It’ll be okay.” Again arms kept him at bay.

  “Okay?” It was almost a shout. “Okay? How can you say it’s okay? I’ve got a psychotic killing… killing… thing inside me and you tell me it’ll be all right?”

  “You don’t have a killer inside you.” This time he refused to let Ryan keep him away. “Just be calm, and we’ll figure this out.”

  “What…? You said there’s a Purpose inside me.”

  Will nodded. “There is.”

  “So how can you say I don’t have a killer inside me?” The rush of words held a hint of hysteria.

  “Because, whatever it is, it’s not the same Purpose as the one inside me.” He waited for Ryan to absorb what he’d said.

  “Of course it’s not the same.” This time he sounded more in control. “If it were the one you have, it wouldn’t be inside me.”

  Will laughed. “That’s sort of tortured logic. Since we’ve established it’s a second It, can we keep going?”

  “Going?” Ryan finally began taking deep, calming breaths. “Where are we going?”

  Will closed one eye and stared down. About to ask what Ryan was talking about, he stopped when he saw the goofy grin emerge. Twisting, he pressed his lips to Ryan’s. “Right.”

  “C’mon, Will. That was good.”

  “Yeah, good.” He rolled his eyes, loosening his grip on Ryan, and leaned back. “Since we’re good, I can go to sleep.”

  “Don’t you dare!” Ryan flung a pillow that Will caught easily.

  “Sorry,” he said, losing the fight not to smile. “Okay, so I was trying to tell you that it isn’t like mine. It’s different.”

  “How do you know it’s not the same?” Ryan chewed his lip for a moment. “I mean, I know it’s not yours, but how do you know it won’t make me kill people?”

  “Have the urge to kill anyone lately?” He knew the answer, but it was the easiest example to use.

  “No.”

  “That’s because yours is different.” He pushed Ryan over, so he wasn’t hanging off the edge of the bed. “Whatever it is.”

  “Is that the only proof you have?” Clearly, he wasn’t convinced. Showing him might be easier.

  “No. You need to see it yourself.”

  “See it?” The fear in his eyes nearly sent Will into a rage. How dare It try to ruin Ryan’s life. If anyone didn’t deserve it, it was Ryan.

  “I’ll show you how to look at the memories inside you, and how to read minds so you can see what mine look like.”

  “You… you’re gonna let me read your mind?” Awe replaced fear as he stared at Will.

  “Why wouldn’t I? Fair is fair. You let me read yours, I let you see inside my noggin.”

  Ryan snickered. “Noggin? Will, where do you get these corny lines?”

  Feigning a scowl, he looked away. “They were widely used when I was young.”

  Two arms snaked around him and pulled them together. Ryan nibbled the bottom of Will’s ear. “It’s kinda cute. You don’t even know you’re doing it.”

  “Wonderful.” Now he was a bit irked by it. He didn’t want to be out of touch. “Can we stick to the topic, or would you rather go to sleep and deal with it tomorrow?”

  “Well….” He leered suggestively. “Since you’re sure it’s not like yours, I think we can wait until the morning, but I’m not sure I want to go to sleep just yet.”

  When Ryan kissed his neck, Will didn’t protest. Whatever was happening, there didn’t seem to be any issue with letting Phillip Greer live. Should that change, he felt confident he’d know in time to fix things.

  Pushing aside It, Phillip, the other Purpose, he let himself relax and enjoy himself. He drew Ryan closer, and he felt hands push his underwear down. Yeah, the morning was a fine time to talk.

  “ARE you sure?” Ryan’s eyes went from the row of plain brick buildings to Will and back. “We can go somewhere else if you don’t want to go here.
”

  “I’m fine.” That was a lie. He wasn’t as calm as he tried to show. Last time he’d visited this place, Carter was still president. He could feel Ryan’s eyes boring into him. Maybe telling Ryan he could read minds was a bad idea. Right now, he seemed hell-bent on trying to read Will’s thoughts.

  “You can’t read my mind if I don’t want you to.”

  “How…?” Ryan stared for a moment, then shook his head. “Never mind. Just tell me why we’re here.”

  Good question. “I… we… it’s complicated.” He pulled the handle, swinging the door wide.

  “Aren’t you worried about leaving the car here?” Ryan asked when he met Will on the sidewalk.

  It still baffled him that the illusions didn’t work on Ryan. “Scrambler. People see a crappy-ass piece-of-shit car. If that wasn’t enough, the box tells people they aren’t interested, and they walk away.”

  “Gotcha.” He nodded, then turned his head to survey the entire block. “Because it’s complicated, you won’t tell me why we’re here?”

  Sucking air through his teeth, Will closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. He pointed to a window over a Chinese takeout. “That was our apartment, mine and David’s.”

  Following Will’s arm, Ryan only looked for an instant. “I know. You said we were coming to see it.”

  “I own the building now.” He moved his hand from left to right. “All of them from the corner to here. My agent keeps them in good shape and rents them to needy students.”

  He felt Ryan’s eyes on him but was afraid to meet them, afraid of what he might find.

  Ryan touched his hand, entwined their fingers. “That’s really nice, but why are we here?”

  “Our old apartment is vacant.” Finally, he turned to face Ryan. “You’ve… you’ve got David’s memories inside you.” He swallowed loudly. “Somehow, it seemed right to come here.”

  Ryan’s eyes dipped as his face hardened into a frown. “Will….”

  “I know you’re not David, and I told you, I don’t want you to be him.” He pulled Ryan closer and brought their joined hands to his lips. “Let’s go. I was being selfish bringing you here. Even to a dumbass like me, it should have been obvious it would make you uncomfortable.”

  “No, wait.” Ryan tugged on Will’s arm with more strength than he should possess.

  Raising an eyebrow, Will waited for Ryan to say something more.

  “Don’t do that.” Ryan let a flicker of annoyance show in his face. “Why did you want to come here?”

  “Closure.”

  “Closure?” A puff of wind blew Ryan’s hair about. Pushing a strand back, Will nodded slowly.

  “David was on his way home when he died.” The lump in his throat almost wouldn’t go away. “Part of me thought…. C’mon, let’s go somewhere else.”

  Ryan didn’t move, keeping Will in place. “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “You do?” Looking at Ryan, it didn’t seem like he felt comfortable.

  “Yeah.” Ryan nodded. “I’d be lying if I said your feelings for David don’t scare me, but I also feel how much you care about me. I want to do this because it’s important to you. Everything can’t always be about me and my feelings.”

  Will let out a nervous laugh. “You give me too much credit.”

  A smile appeared on his face. “No, I don’t. The way you treat me makes me feel special—”

  “You are special.”

  “And I never get to do that for you. Let me do this.”

  Will shook his head slowly, almost imperceptibly. “I’m not sure you totally understand. You don’t just have his memories from when he died. You have all his memories. Everything we did, everything he felt for me, they’re all there.”

  “Then you can see them with me.”

  “No!” He broke their contact. “Just as I don’t want to read your private thoughts, I don’t want to see his.”

  “But, Will….” He stopped speaking when Will held up his hand.

  “Really, some things are better left alone.” Staring at the building, he remembered his last day here. After David died, he had moved back to his parents’ home, coming back only to move out their things. “Like I said, it was stupid coming here. His memories are not him.”

  A few people walked by, but for the most part the street and sidewalk were quiet. He was about to suggest they go say good-bye to his brother when he noticed someone had come into his personal space.

  Two feet from him, a young black male stood with his hand in his pocket. Behind him, four more started to walk over. “Got a light?”

  Pulling his hand up, he showed Will the butt of a gun. The urge to beat him and his friends to a bloody mess almost won out. “No. Why don’t you five go to the nearest police station and show your gun to the officers.”

  He took control of their minds, making his words a command. One at a time, they nodded and started to walk off.

  “What did you do?” Ryan moved in front of him, a grim look on his face.

  Squinting, he let out a sigh. “Made sure they don’t do it to someone who can’t fight back. I thought about telling them to jump in front of a SEPTA bus, but I knew you’d be mad if I did that.”

  A soft snort came from Ryan as he pulled Will’s shirt to draw them closer. “Furious.”

  Leaning closer, he kissed Ryan’s forehead, getting more hair than skin. “See.”

  Nodding over his shoulder, Ryan said, “Let’s go inside. You still need to teach me how to control these memories.”

  The urge to ask “are you sure” died when Ryan gave him a gentle tug. Reluctantly, he let himself be led inside. Maybe it wasn’t the place that he was avoiding as much as what was inside Ryan’s mind. It really was better not to know some things.

  “LOCKPICK?” Ryan shook his head as he rolled his eyes. “What happened to using a key?”

  “I forgot to stop by the real estate company to get it.” More like he never expected to come here, so he hadn’t thought to go. “Don’t worry. I really do own the place.”

  “How come it’s empty?” There was a hint of suspicion in Ryan’s voice that almost made Will smile.

  “Last tenants left six months early.” He shrugged, closing the door behind them. “The agent takes applications at the end of the semester for next year. Didn’t seem much point in looking midyear. My agent didn’t see things that way, but it’s my place.”

  Empty, it looked so much bigger than when he had lived there. Gone was the cheap, thin, ugly carpet he remembered, replaced by hardwood. Everything was different: new kitchen, new bathroom, even the windows were new.

  “This is really nice.” Ryan stood in the kitchen, opening cabinets and running his hand over the faux-granite countertops. “Seems out of place in this neighborhood.”

  “It is, but it’s close to Penn, and I don’t charge the kids more than the going rate for the crappy apartments nearby.” A small tribute to David, something no one understood or even knew about. He wasn’t even sure why he did it. Something of a holdover from before he let his humanity fade into the background. “We should get started. It might take a while.”

  He sat down against the wall, keeping the windows to his left. Ryan took a seat close enough for their bodies to touch. “How does this work?”

  “Good question.” As if he really knew. “You’re the first person I’ve met who has the same abilities. What I thought I’d do is slip into your mind and tell you how I do it. Hopefully, I can guide you so you get good at focusing on what you want to see. After that, you can try reading my mind.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Ryan drew a deep breath and held it for several seconds. Will didn’t need to read his mind to know his boyfriend was scared.

  He found Ryan’s hand and began rubbing it gently. “We don’t have to do this. I know it’s a bit daunting.”

  “No, I want to, need to, even.” The forced smile didn’t fool Will. “Besides, we really need to figure out what’s inside me, for both our sakes.”


  He knew Ryan was right, but he didn’t like being the source of his discomfort. Before they began, he leaned over to kiss Ryan. “You’ll do great.”

  Finally, Ryan relaxed a bit, and Will decided it was time. “Relax and listen to my voice. If you don’t understand something, let me know.”

  “Okay.”

  “Good, now think about last night.” Will slipped into Ryan’s mind, slowly sifting through the images, looking for one to use.

  SILENTLY, they got in the car as the sun almost reached its peak. Three hours was probably too much, and he knew Ryan was tired. He gently massaged the back of Ryan’s neck with his fingers. “You did great.”

  A loud snort filled the small passenger compartment. “Liar. I barely managed the basics.”

  “Took me a year and more to do that.” He removed his hand and started to drive. “Next time, it’ll be easier.”

  “So what did you learn inside my head?”

  “You were there. What did you see?” Much as he didn’t like turning it back on Ryan, he wasn’t quite sure what to make of things.

  “I don’t know, Will. None of the memories I saw meant much.”

  “They did to me.” Did they ever.

  Ryan twisted in his seat, turning to face him. “Wh… what did you find out?”

  “Part of it is the obvious. Your Purpose and mine are connected.” Really obvious, but when Ryan didn’t comment, he continued. “The connection is something akin to two halves of a whole, I think.”

  “How did you get that from the memories we saw?”

  Twice, he almost pulled over. Trying to drive and assimilate things was more difficult than he’d expected. “Two reasons. First, several of the people whose memories you have were known to some of my prior hosts. Your Purpose is chasing mine and has been for centuries.”

  “Are you sure?”

  There was something in Ryan’s voice that Will couldn’t place. He’d have to ask later. “Yes. I recognized some of the faces your prior hosts saw during their lives. After that, I sifted through mine and found memories that matched.”