Purpose

by Andrew Q. Gordon

  “So basically, us, it’s just something these—things—want.” Now Will understood Ryan’s tone. “You don’t really like me for me. It’s because that thing in your head is making you be with me?”

  “Ryan….” Did he tell him the truth or sidestep? Exhaling loudly, he found a place to pull over. “I don’t know. That’s as honest as I can be. If we could ask It what it was doing, maybe we’d know for sure. But read my thoughts, search my mind, do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. Just understand I want to be with you. Fuck your Purpose or mine. Yes, I think the initial attraction was their doing, but I’m not with you because of It.”

  “How can you be sure?” Ryan didn’t sound convinced. “I mean, even you admit there’s a connection between the two.”

  “I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m sure.” He shook his head, wishing he had a better answer. “Every one of your prior hosts whose memories we searched died within days of being chosen. You would have too if I hadn’t figured out what was happening. But they all had one thing in common: location. All of your hosts were either in close proximity to my Purpose, or my Purpose had recently been in that area. It’s almost as if the two Purposes wanted us to be together.”

  “Will, in forty years they couldn’t find you a decent match? Only me?”

  “Stop!” Ryan recoiled at the force of his word. “Sorry that came out too harsh, but I hate when you do that self-deprecating shit. Yes, only you.”

  A half smile crossed Ryan’s face. “Fine, forget about you and me. None of your Purpose’s other hosts ever realized my Purpose existed. How can they be connected?”

  “Maybe It chose you because it knew we’d be together.” Even he wasn’t sure he believed that.

  As if reading Will’s thoughts, Ryan shook his head. “No, I might not understand a lot, but the sequence of events was clear. It found me before we met.”

  Why hadn’t one of the prior pairs met and realized what was happening? Given the incredible number of hosts Ryan’s Purpose had possessed over the centuries, statistically, it was inconceivable no one had made the connection before.

  “For whatever reason, I’m certain your Purpose is chasing mine.” Ryan stared at him, the question left unasked. “I’ve avenged dozens of your hosts.”

  “What do you mean by ‘chasing’ yours?”

  The leather squeaked as he moved to face Ryan. “Wherever I moved, it followed me. Like I said, I cross-referenced your memories with mine. The location of the prior hosts mimics mine exactly. If I moved to Detroit, your Purpose took hosts there. After Detroit, I went to Cleveland. Your Purpose went to Cleveland too. City after city, within days of my arriving in a new place, your Purpose followed mine there.”

  Ryan faced him but was staring over his shoulder. Finally, he nodded. “You said there were two things you figured out. What’s the second?”

  He was committed to this path. Ryan had a right to know, but he couldn’t be sure it was the right thing to do. “While I don’t know everything your Purpose does, it attracts violence. People want to kill the host.”

  20

  “PEOPLE want to kill me?”

  Ryan handled the news better than Will expected. “Yes, I think so.”

  “How can you be sure?” The hint of panic was there now. “Did It speak to you?”

  It was all supposition, but he knew he was right. “There’s no other explanation. Every one of your predecessors was killed. Every one. That’s not normal. More, they were killed within days or, at most, weeks of being chosen. And their deaths were not car accidents or the like. People killed them, violently. You would have died too if I hadn’t been there. Search your memories. Why you? Why David? Why any of the others? The only connection between them all is your Purpose.”

  Ryan turned quickly, staring out his window. It didn’t require Will read his mind to know Ryan was upset. “You’re right. There is no other good explanation.”

  He reached over and placed a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Ryan, this doesn’t mean you’re going to be killed. I’ll guard you and make sure you’re safe.”

  “You can’t be sure of that.”

  When Ryan didn’t respond to Will’s touch, he removed his hand. “Yes, I can.”

  “So you’re going to lock me up when you go out and guard me every other waking minute?” Ryan rubbed his nose with his right hand and sniffed.

  “If I have to, yes.” Of course he would.

  “We both know you can’t do that, and even if you could, that’s no kind of life for me.” Another sniff and he turned back. “Every time I go out, I have to constantly check my surroundings to be sure I’m not attacked. How can I live like that?”

  “Ryan….” He pulled their heads closer so their foreheads rested together. “Listen to me. We’ll find a way. We don’t have all the facts yet, but I’m sure when we do, we’ll find a way for you to be safe.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know, but….” He dropped a finger to Ryan’s lips. “Think about it. What sense does it make for your Purpose to chase mine just to let the host die? We’re missing something. There has to be more to this. Until we figure this out, yes, I’ll guard you 24-7 if I have to.”

  “What makes you think it has to make sense?” Ryan pulled away, his words rushed and an octave higher. “Nothing else makes sense. Why should this? I mean, a silent but possibly sentient spirit forces you to avenge innocent victims. That’s so logical. Why does there have to be an intelligent plan for all this?”

  “Ryan….”

  “You know what makes sense? Nothing. There’s no master plan, no rules, nothing. Just this thing that makes people want to kill me.”

  Wrapping his arms around Ryan, Will drew him closer. Ryan struggled and almost pulled free until Will adjusted how tight he held on. “Ryan, stop. Please. Listen to me.”

  He waited until Ryan’s breathing was more normal and his heart slowed down.

  “You’re right. We don’t know anything for sure. That doesn’t mean we give up. If your Purpose is anything like mine, and we should assume it is, it’s going to give you abilities to protect yourself. We need to be sure they’re in place first. Just don’t give up. If you do, then it will be hopeless.”

  “Why bother?” He shook his head. “Every other host died in less than a month. Face it, my time is almost up.”

  “Do it for me?” His words came out barely more than a whisper.

  “What?” Ryan’s eyes found his.

  “I don’t want to lose you, so if you need a reason not to give up, do it for me.” The tears almost slipped out, but he managed to hold them back. “I don’t want… can’t lose someone else I love.”

  “Will….” Ryan closed his mouth, exhaling through his nose. “I’m sorry.”

  Eyes closed, he shook his head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I know you’re scared. I am too, but—”

  “I love you too.” Before he could respond, Ryan kissed him. “For you I’ll try.”

  A slow nod was all he could manage. How did the “L” word slip out? Did he mean it, or was he just scared to lose Ryan? It took a moment, but he knew he meant it. “Thank you.”

  Another kiss and he put the car in gear and slid into traffic. Ryan seemed content to keep silent, and Will felt the same. There was a lot he needed to digest, and it might be better if they both worked through what they had learned before they tried to talk about it again.

  CAREFUL not to wake Ryan, Will quietly got out of bed and found his shorts. The green LCD numbers on the clock said 3:16 a.m. Shedding Gar’s yoke didn’t change all the enhanced abilities It gave him. Rather than force himself to sleep, he opted to use the quiet hours to make sense of what he’d learned.

  Ryan hadn’t said much after waking from his nap. They’d said good-bye to his brother and Abby. Ryan had answered the few questions Will asked him on the drive home, but not much else. Even dinner was unusually quiet. Staring at the empty takeout containers on the counter, he decided it
could have been the lousy Chinese food. Not going back to Hunan Garden again.

  No, it wasn’t the food, or the company, or the drive. He was trying to come to grips with what had happened to him. Will knew the feeling. And while he might make it easier for Ryan to understand things, he’d also made it worse by dumping everything out all at once. There was no good way to handle the news a spirit had taken control of your body. None.

  Blue mat spread on the wood floor, he began his Tai Chi routine. Later this morning, he was going to drag Ryan out to the exercise course. They needed to gauge his strength and set a benchmark to measure future growth.

  Will tried to figure out how Ryan would get stronger, but found no answers. Ryan didn’t have souls calling to him for vengeance to give him their strength. Then again, Will’s belief that his strength came from avenging the dead had been based on the accepted “wisdom” of his prior hosts. The events of the last few days called into question most of what he “knew” about It. Why not this?

  Of course, what he “knew” fit the facts. Will was the strongest host, and he’d avenged the most souls many times over. He’d also been host the longest, so maybe it was a factor of time and not bodies. Hard to tell when no one had devised a test to measure the strength of a host.

  Fine, he’d be the first to measure things. For both him and Ryan. Starting at dawn, when he roused his Sleeping Beauty.

  Fluid yet powerful, he found he enjoyed the workout more since he’d reverted to his old self. With the return of his emotions came the stress and worry he’d turned to Gar to avoid. Tai Chi centered him, gave him the inner peace to work through his troubles. Added flexibility and greater body control were a bonus.

  Movement and a change in breathing told him Ryan had woken up. Maybe he’d roll over and go back to sleep.

  “Will?”

  Smiling, he held his position. “In here.”

  “What’re you doing?”

  More movement. Ryan would be joining him in a moment. “Tai Chi.”

  “At this hour?” Wearing just his boxers, Ryan plunked down on the couch. To Will’s eye, his body looked tighter, stronger. He tried to recall the changes in his first two weeks but didn’t remember anything noticeable.

  “I don’t need much sleep.” Twisting, he changed positions. “This helps clear my mind and lets me think things through. You should join me.”

  Ryan’s eyes darted to the blue foam under Will’s feet. “We’ll need a second mat.”

  “I think we can afford it.” He winked, nearly breaking his concentration, but he earned a smile in return. “You should go back to sleep. We start training this morning.”

  Rolling his eyes, Ryan tilted his head back. “I can’t believe you’re making me do that.”

  Relaxing, Will stopped his routine. “Ryan, this is important. I can’t train you to defend yourself if you don’t practice. And before I can start—”

  “I know, you need to know what my abilities are.”

  For a moment, he considered starting over, but decided to wait. He lifted Ryan’s legs and placed them on his thighs after he sat down. He gently rubbed the calves and worked his way down until he was massaging his boyfriend’s feet.

  “That feels amazing.” Ryan had his eyes closed, a contented smile on his lips. “How come you never did this before?”

  “We’ve known each other less than two weeks. You can’t expect me to use all my tricks on you right away.”

  “Good to know you didn’t suck me in with all your best tricks.”

  Will found the pressure points and gently squeezed. “So why did you get up?”

  “It talked to me.”

  His fingers froze, and he turned slowly. Ryan stared at him, serious and a bit confused. “It spoke to you?”

  Nodding, Ryan swung his feet off Will’s lap. “Sorta. I think my Purpose is a bit more sentient than yours.”

  “It spoke to you?” He still couldn’t get his mind around the idea. “Are you sure it wasn’t a dream?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  Will leaned back and the leather creaked from the contact. Thoughts raced against emotions as the impact took hold.

  “It’s not words or anything.” His sentence came out in a rush. Ryan must have seen what his words did to Will. “It answers my questions by showing me memories of past lives.”

  “Memories?” Impossible. If the other hosts knew anything about It, they’d have found it. “How’s that work?”

  “Like I said, It doesn’t use words to answer questions, but it can communicate with me.” Fingers to his temples, Ryan rubbed quickly. “Trying to make sense of things was hard. Sometimes, I asked the wrong question and had no idea what It was trying to tell me. But toward the end I got the hang of asking questions to get an answer I could understand.”

  “So… so what did you learn?” He could barely contain his excitement. It felt as if it might burst out of his throat. Answers, real answers, not speculation. This might help him manage this thing.

  “I confirmed some of what we figured out.” He placed his hand over Will’s, squeezing but not removing it. “Mine chases yours to help you, but I’m not sure exactly how. I’m sorry, Will. The rush of images got to be too much. I had to stop.”

  “Hey, hold on.” He pulled their hands to his lips. “There’s nothing to apologize for. Whatever you learned will be helpful, and if it really will answer questions, there’s time later.”

  “I know, it’s just… ugh! It’s maddening. The answers are there, but I can’t see them. I can feel It getting frustrated too.” He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. “I’m supposed to help quiet the innocent.”

  “The innocent? Not the Purpose?” The innocent were fleeting. How could that be right? Maybe Ryan misunderstood.

  “What is the purpose of your Purpose?” Ryan snorted, shaking his head. “Sorry, that sounds weird, but you understand the question.”

  “Vengeance.” It had always been about avenging the innocent and punishing the guilty.

  “What about justice? Balance? Doing what’s right?” There was an edge to his words. Ryan was challenging him to revisit his entire existence.

  “What about them?” Those weren’t his responsibilities. The souls of the dead demanded revenge. The guilty deserved nothing less.

  “Are you sure it’s vengeance?” Ryan wouldn’t meet his eyes. He was upending Will’s whole life and wouldn’t look at him.

  Phillip Greer’s cloudy-eyed, bald-headed face flashed through his thoughts. He killed an innocent. Why hadn’t Will been required to kill him? The victim wanted revenge, demanded it even, but Will ignored her and let him live. “No, not anymore.”

  “Me neither.” Finally, Ryan turned. “We were—are—supposed to be a team, but something happened. The two were separated and never found their way back. Mine tried, constantly, but no one understood what was happening. No one until you.”

  “Me?” Will couldn’t hide his disbelief. “I didn’t figure out anything.”

  “Yes, you did.” The voice was soft, distant. “You felt my Purpose calling yours. That’s what it was. Every new host called to you, yours.”

  “What are you talking about?” He’d only felt that sensation twice. Both times right before the host was about to die. “Yours and David’s were the only two calls I heard.”

  “I know.” Standing, Ryan pulled his boxers down slightly. “Damn leather couch, keeps giving me a wedgie. Can we go back to bed and talk? It’s more comfortable.”

  Smirking, Will stood up. “Sure.”

  When they were under the covers, Ryan rested his head on Will’s chest. “The call attracts the guilty. You were supposed to come save me.”

  “I figured that, but how come I never felt the others?” Forty damn years, he should have heard more than two.

  “You needed to meet me, It, for the call to make sense. You might have heard it, but it didn’t register.” He lifted his head so he could look at Will’s face. “I don’t really under
stand it. That was one of those parts that was hard to figure out, but my Purpose calls out, hoping yours is close and will hear it.”

  “So why didn’t it call out when we met? Why did it wait until you were in danger?” This made no sense. Why would It put Ryan and the other hosts at risk just to attract his Purpose?

  “I think it did. Why else did you need to speak to me? It’s not like I’m drop-dead gorgeous.”

  “Ryan—”

  “Stop, this isn’t me being insecure. It’s about the truth. I know you think I’m attractive—thank you, by the way. I’ve never told you how much I like hearing you say it—but there is nothing so amazingly special about me that would draw you to me the moment you saw me. No offense, but as hot as you are, there isn’t anything that special about you that on first glance would make me need to speak to you. Want, sure. Lust, of course. But need to or else? Sorry, Will. Even you’re not that amazing.”

  He couldn’t stop the laugh. Ryan was right. There had been an unnatural attraction between them from the start. At first he’d thought it was a resemblance to David.

  “You’re thinking about David, aren’t you?”

  He nodded, even though Ryan couldn’t see it. “Yeah. When we met, I thought you had David’s eyes. I felt a connection to him.”

  “Not him, Will, It.”

  “Right.” Made sense, they were nothing alike. “So again, why did it call out when you left? And why did it attract violence to David? We were already together by then.”

  “This is another part I’m fuzzy on, but I think—think—my Purpose can sense the violent ones, and it calls to you to stop them.”

  “That’s absurd.” The words escaped him before he realized he’d insulted Ryan. “Sorry, I didn’t mean you’re being stupid, but whatever it’s showing you, that’s just not logical.”

  “It’s not crazy.” Ryan didn’t sound upset, so Will relaxed a fraction. “We’re a team. I can feel the guilty before they do something. The innocent flock to you after they’re gone.”

  “Let’s say you’re right about that. Why would your Purpose call to me? Why not save them yourself?” Forcing himself to breathe normally, he caught Ryan’s scent. Two weeks and it was already familiar, calming even.