by Ward, H. M.
“I don’t want to say it. It seems greedy and I have enough.”
“Say it.”
“This hardly seems fair. I don’t know every nook and cranny of your mind, but you think I should just let you into mine.” I’m defensive. I don’t want to share everything, not if he isn’t.
Sean grins. “I already know what’s bothering you, I just want to hear you say it.”
I laugh. There’s no way he knows. “Yeah? Then tell me. What do you already know?”
Sean looks up from under dark lashes. His eyes slip over my face and trail down my neck to where my breasts disappear below the water. When his gaze returns to meet mine, he says, “You don’t want to take it from me. You want me to let you in and make love to you softly and slowly. You want the piece of me that no one has access to. You want me to just let you in and give you everything you want.”
I look away. My heart pounds. Sean read my thoughts perfectly, not missing a thing. It’s what I was thinking, nearly word for word. It scares me—he scares me. I want to sink below the surface of the water and ask him to leave.
Sean tugs my ankle, harder this time. My butt slips and I have to grab the sides of the tub before I go under. The movement makes me forgot for a second and I look at him. He says, “You’re wrong about that, you know. That piece is already gone.”
“No, it’s not.” My voice is a whisper. It feels like I’m sinking and the sea is freezing. I’m drowning again.
“It is. I keep trying to tell you that. It’s a wonder that I don’t turn to ash when you touch me. I’m barely breathing, barely alive. I don’t deserve you, but here you are offering everything. I’d give it to you, Avery, but—”
I don’t want to hear it anymore. Sean doesn’t seem to know. If his heart was gone, completely destroyed the way he thinks, then this wouldn’t bother him at all. It would be boring or an inconvenience, but that’s not it. Intimacy scares him.
I shift in the tub and crawl toward him. Sean stops talking. I place a hand on his shoulder and wrap my legs around his waist before lowering myself onto his lap. Sean’s shoulders are so hard, so tense. His hands find my waist. His touch is gentle.
When I look up into his eyes, I say, “Breathe.”
Sean nods and takes a long slow breath. His chest swells under my fingers. I won’t push him too far, too fast. I know that sitting face to face like this is hard for him. I’m guessing it reminds him of his wife. Maybe it’s something they used to do and I’m conjuring ghosts. I don’t know. I just know that he’s still in there somewhere, and the way Sean’s eyes flicker to life when we’re like this is impossible to miss.
I trail my fingers along his shoulders before taking the soap. I rub it between my palms and press my hand to his shoulders gently. I rub in slow circles, leaving a trail of suds as I move down his body with my hands. When I finish, I give him the soap and he does the same to me, carefully washing me with gentle touches. My eyes close for a second when Sean rubs his hands over my breasts, under, and around the sides. The touch is good, soft, but firm. I feel him harden beneath me as he does it.
My eyes flick open. Sean is watching me, lips parted, breathing a little too hard. I lean forward and press a kiss to his lips. Sean’s hands slip out of the water and up my back, feeling the curves of my body. I lean forward, moving my hips as I kiss him. When I settle on his lap again, he’s hard.
Sean shifts me in his lap so we line up perfectly, and then pushes inside of me. It feels completely different than before, when he had me tied up. That felt frantic, but this makes me feel high, like a happy buzz, but so much more. Sean’s hands move down my back and grip my butt. He rocks me gently making the water slosh in the tub. His eyes are locked on mine. It feels so good and my body wants the release so bad, but I don’t give in to the sensations. Instead, I unwrap myself from him.
Sean seems surprised. “Avery?”
I stand and offer my hand. Sean takes it and stands. Water rolls off his beautiful body in sheets, cascading back into the tub. I take him in my arms and pull him against me. Sean wraps his arms around me and holds on tight. We stand there like that. I’m afraid to let go, but Sean makes it so I don’t have to. He sweeps me up into his arms. “I wish I could save you. It’s not that I don’t want to…”
“I know what you mean.”
Our eyes lock and the world stops. For a moment it seems like everything is fine, that it’ll all work out. Maybe I am naïve, because even thinking something like that is insane.
I tell Sean where to take us. He walks out of the bathroom and to the bed. I’m still damp, so when he sets me down the sheets stick to my skin. I pat the spot next to me. Sean lies down. We’re nose to nose. I thread my fingers in his hair and play with the curls at the nape of his neck.
We’re quiet for a while, then Sean speaks. His voice is so soft, barely there. “You amaze me, Avery Stanz.”
I smile, sleepily. “Likewise, Sean Ferro. It seems that we’re opposites, doesn’t it? I mean, you like things one hundred percent backwards from the way I like them—when it comes to sex anyway.”
He smirks. “It’s probably with other things, too. You didn’t turn to stone. I did. We’re so different—”
“And so alike.”
Sean presses his forehead to mine. “I love you, Avery.” He takes me in his arms, cradling me, and I fall asleep.
When I dream, the sea is still. It doesn’t overcome me or pull me under. There’s a ray of sunshine piercing through the vast gray sky and I finally feel some peace.
4
Peeling my eyes open, I try to focus. I glance around and feel like someone is watching me. I blink, trying to chase away the sleepiness.
Two blue eyes are locked on mine. “Hey, lover,” Sean says as he strokes the back of his hand along my cheek. Sean looks like he’s been awake for a while.
I smile sleepily at him. “Don’t call me that.” It feels too intimate. I suppose it’s true, in a factual kind of way, but he bought me. It’s not the same.
“Then what should I call you?” His fingers tickle my cheek.
“I really like spray-start car girl. That was my favorite.”
“It’s quite a mouthful to say in bed.” Sean grins. “Something shorter, perhaps? Kitten?” I cringe and make a face. “Sexy?”
“That might stick. Keep working on it.” Sean’s chest is bare. He’s propped up on his side with his elbow. His head rests on his hand. It makes the muscles on his chest look so perfect. I want to touch him, and glide my fingers over each and every dip and hard curve. I want to learn his body, but I hesitate. I don’t want to ruin whatever we have.
Sean notices me staring at his chest. “Some girls would be offended by that.”
My eyes flick up to his face. “What?”
“My eyes are up here,” he kids.
I laugh. “You’re such a—”
“A what? I know you like what you see. I’m just calling it like I see it.”
I give him a weird look. It’s like he channeled Mel. “You’re so—”
“So incredibly captivated by you. Yes, I am.” He smiles warmly at me and resumes tracing the soft curves of my face. First his finger trails over my chin and then up my cheek. It makes my stomach dip. I love his touch. I’ll never get enough of him. “It’s still your turn, by the way.”
“It is?” He nods. “But, I fell asleep and it’s a new day.”
“So, it doesn’t change things. You had more in mind, and I realize that. Today is yours. We do anything you want. Tonight is mine.” Sean leans in and kisses the side of my face gently. It makes me want to squeal. My mind starts to drift though and soon I’m reliving what he did to me last night. I don’t know if I can do that again, and I doubt he wants to do the same thing. “What’s going on in that mind of yours? I know that look. Tell me, Avery.”
I glance over at him and shake my head. “Nothing.” I lie, and I’m a terrible liar. I glance away from him and twirl the sheet between my fingers.
&
nbsp; Sean scoots closer to me. He presses his naked body to the side of mine. When I look up into his face I can’t breathe. “Tell me, spray-start car girl.”
That makes me laugh. Sean knows how to pull my heartstrings. I wonder if he’s playing me, because he could. It would be easy for him. The way he hones in on what makes me tick, and then manipulates it—he could be my best friend or my worst enemy. It scares me; he scares me. I’m quiet too long.
“A secret for a secret?” he prompts. This surprises me. I glance up at him and can tell he’s serious.
Maybe he is playing me. It’s way too easy for him to fish the thoughts out of my head, but I can’t pass this up and he knows it. “All right. Ask me again.”
“What are you thinking about?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Glancing down at the sheet in my hands, I say, “Last night when we did things your way—it was nearly beyond me. I mean, I don’t know if I could do that again.” Sean is quiet. I feel his gaze on the side of my face, but he doesn’t say anything. “I wish I could just give you what you want. I would, you know.” I look up at him from under my lashes.
“I know,” he breathes, “But it’s not something to give. It’s something to be taken. I’m not sure you understand what it is or what it means to me that you’d offer yourself that way… that you stayed with me.” Sean reaches for my hand and presses it against his chest. I feel his heart start racing beneath my palm. The longer my hand is there, the faster it races. “This is what you do to me. Can you feel it? You know what that means, right?”
No. I’m not sure. His skin is so warm, so smooth, but the frantic beating of his heart feels wrong. I look into his face and see it. Everything he’s been trying to hide, how much I scare him, how much he wants to run away from me and never come back. But something holds him here. Sean doesn’t want to leave. His heart feels like it’s going to explode under my hand.
I lower my gaze to his chest and lift my palm, leaving only a finger. “You’re afraid of me.”
Sean’s quiet. He doesn’t counter my words. Instead he stares at my finger. His heart continues to race like he’s running from a rabid bear. I don’t know what to do. My pulse picks up and pounds harder. I swallow hard and lean in to press my lips to his heart. Sean stiffens, like I’m going to stab him. I stop right before my lips touch his skin. I breathe for a moment and decide that I can’t do this to him, not yet. These things will come on their own, given enough time.
But there is no time. We have today, and then I go to Henry. After that Black will hire me out to someone else. I feel so torn. Indecision freezes me in place. That’s when Sean reaches for me. He slips his fingers over the side of my face and to the back of my neck. He makes the decision for me by pulling me forward that last breath. My mouth touches his skin. Sean’s body stiffens like I’m hurting him, but his hand stays on my neck encouraging me to kiss him the way I want.
I want to kiss his chest over his heart, so I do it. My lips brush against his skin, once, twice, and then I press harder. My lips part and flick my tongue against him, as I press my lips to his chest. I stay there for a moment, lingering, wanting more when I pull away. I glance up at Sean. He’s breathing so hard, so ragged.
A question pops up in my mind and I can’t chase it away. I have to ask him, I have to know. “Why are we doing this?” My question surprises him. “It seems like we’re torturing each other.”
“It won’t be that way forever.”
“It won’t?”
He shakes his head. “We’ll acclimate to one another, given enough time. We might even learn to enjoy it. Will there be more time, Avery? You’re still here, next to me. Have you decided to stay?”
I want to throw my arms around him and say yes, but I can’t. It’s not that I don’t love him, I do. It’s Black. It’s walking away from the ability to support myself. I won’t get that chance back. If things don’t work out with Sean, I’ll have nothing. Besides, I can’t take money from him like that. My broken brain is okay with being paid for sex, but getting money just because I’m his girlfriend seems wrong.
I hedge. “That’s two secrets and I haven’t even gotten one yet.”
He grins, “Ask away.”
I want to know what happened to his wife. I want to know why he’s so dark and tormented. I want to know that piece of him so badly, but I can’t ask that question. I can’t take that from him. Sean has to give it. I glance past him and see the sunrise streaking the gray sky. Little bits of glitter float gently by the window and I smile. A different question pops up in my mind. “What’s your favorite thing to do in the snow?”
Sean blinks like he heard me wrong. Laughing, he asks, “What?”
“You heard me, Ferro. Ice skating, skiing, sledding, or what?”
“Sorry, I expected you to ask something else.” He smiles the sweetest crooked smile I’ve ever seen. It makes a dimple appear on his cheek. I resist the urge to lick it and wait for his answer. “Sledding, I suppose.”
“We can do anything I want, right?” He nods. “Then I want to take you sledding. I want to do something that makes you laugh. I want to see this quirky little grin on your lips all day. I want to go down Cardiac Hill with you, and a snowman on a toboggan. What do you say, Jones? Are you up for it?” As I speak, I push up on the bed. By the time I’m done, I’m kneeling and practically jumping up and down. I can see the city after I sit up. The snow stuck. That means Long Island should be a blanket of white. I’m so giddy and excited that I don’t remember I’m naked.
Sean’s gaze devours me as I do my little happy dance on my knees. “Hell, Smitty. I’ll do anything you want, but if you keep bouncing around like that, I’m going to have my way with you first.”
I freeze. My jaw drops open and I laugh. My hands cover my breasts and I turn bright red.
Sean closes his eyes and smiles hard. “You did not just do that. Now, I have to have you.” He pushes up to his knees and moves toward me. Taking me in his arms, Sean presses his hard body against mine. “Make love to me, Avery. Please. Don’t make me wait until tonight.”
Giddy glee bursts across my face, and then I do as he asks.
5
Sean lets me linger in the shower. I’m sore, but in a good way. It makes me smile. I rinse off, step out of the shower, and towel off. I rub a brush through my hair as I blast the hell out of it with the blow dryer, and then pull it back into a high ponytail. I brought an overnight bag since Sean ordered me for two days. I dig around and pull out a pair of threadbare jeans, thick socks, and an oversized sweater. I’m so snuggly. Miss Black would have a stroke if she knew what I was wearing. It’s completely wrong for a call girl of my caliber, but screw that. Besides, she isn’t here and I doubt the other call girls take their clients sledding. I need to call her and get permission to leave the hotel as soon as I’m ready to go.
When I walk out of the bathroom I’m hit with the scent of bacon and coffee. I glance around like a starving dog, following my nose to the other side of the bed. There’s a tray with silver covers over various dishes. I glance around, wondering where Sean went as I peek under a tray and steal a slice of bacon.
A cold breeze brushes my cheek, making me turn. The balcony doors are open a crack. I walk over slowly. Sean is standing outside, phone in hand, talking to someone. I smile at his back. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around him and go down that crazy hill on the sled. I plan on laughing like a maniac—and let’s face it—I’ll probably fall off the sled a few times too.
As I walk toward the door, Sean’s voice becomes clearer. “No, I won’t. You’re on your own, Pete. I have enough problems. Deal with it yourself.” He’s quiet for a moment. Sean bows his head and rubs his temples. Whoever he’s talking to is stressing him out really bad. The little vein on the side of his head is throbbing. I wonder who it is or what they want. Sean never lets anyone get to him about anything. Even when he was at the table with Henry, Sean was so cool and collected. I had no idea how jealous he was until later.
I know I shouldn’t listen, that I should back away, but I can’t. This seems personal and Sean plays his cards close to his chest. I want this glimpse of him. I need it. I step closer.
Sean shakes his head and pulls his coat closed. Snowflakes stick to his dark hair and the shoulders of the jacket. “You’re making a mistake. Stop laughing, dickwad, and I have every right to say it. I know, all right. You don’t want anything to do with that shit and if you get caught—well, I’ve been there. I’m not helping you. If you want it, you’ll have to take it from me.” Sean shakes his head, annoyed, and ends the call.
When he turns he sees me through the glass. “Avery.” His voice is strained, like he’s afraid of what I heard.
I push the doors open and lean on the doorjamb. A cold gust of wind hits me in the face. Folding my arms over my chest, I ask, “Who’s Pete?”
“No one important.” Sean’s eyes dart past me toward our breakfast. “Did you eat?”
“No, not yet.” I stare at him. Liar. Pete is someone very important. It’s written all over his face. “You can tell me stuff, you know. I won’t share your secrets. It’s actually part of what makes this whole arrangement less call-girlish and more normal. You know, you tell me something that bothers you and I tell you something that irks me.”
Sean doesn’t blink. He doesn’t look away or make excuses. Flurries continue to fall from the sky while the two of us have a staring contest like a pair of five-year-olds. Sean finally smiles and looks away. “Fine, I’ll tell you, but let’s go inside. I can hear your stomach growling from here.”
Horror washes over my face. My tummy’s been grumbling since I smelled the food. I didn’t think he could hear, not with the street noise. Sean laughs and puts his arm over my shoulder as he pulls me inside. “You’re so cute, so absolutely adorable. You’re also a terrible snoop.” He turns me in front of him and kisses the tip of my nose. Then, he swats my bottom, pushing me toward the food while he closes the doors and shucks his coat. Sean’s already dressed. He’s wearing a form-fitting blue sweater with a pair of jeans and biker boots.
