by Ward, H. M.
Sean keeps his hand between my legs until I open my eyes. Then he pulls out slowly and lifts my hand to his lips. He sucks on each finger, one at a time. “You are absolutely delicious.”
I watch him through lowered lashes. Sean leans in and presses the pad of his finger to my lips. His hand has my scent. It hits me hard and makes me shy away, but Sean won’t let me. “Open.”
I do as he says and he puts a finger in my mouth—one he didn’t lick clean. I close my eyes and suck. Sean leans in to me and takes his hand away. “Did you like that?” I nod slowly. I feel like I’m floating. I blink a few times and look out the window. We’re at the park. Sean asks, “Are you ready?”
I nod slowly. Before Sean moves to open the door, I stop him. “Wait.” I pull his lips down to mine and kiss him slowly and softly, until I’m so sated that I can’t stop smiling.
8
The snow is mixed with ice. It crackles under our feet. Gabe pulls the sled out of the trunk and mentions something about how easy a body would fit back there when he hands it to Sean. Gabe scares me when he sounds like that, because he isn’t joking. The old guy nods at me as if he’s doing me a service and then slips back into the car where it’s warm.
I’m standing in front of Sean with my jacket open. The parking lot is a sheet of ice. It hasn’t been plowed yet. I’m grinning like a lunatic, ready to run across the parking lot and up the hill. There’s a reason the locals call it Cardiac Hill—it’ll give you a heart attack if you try to take it too fast. The thing is dauntingly steep, but you can’t really tell until you’re on it. Runners go through these woods in the summer and come out into this clearing between the trees and the hill. It’s a beautiful spot. I’m wondering how hard it’s going to be to keep the sled from cracking into one of the towering pines.
Sean watches me for a moment, before taking the bottom of my coat in his hands and zipping it up to my neck. “You seriously need to get over that cold thing.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “You seriously need to get over that domination thing.”
“It’s not domination.” He looks offended.
“Oh? Then what it is?”
“Control, that’s all. Totally different.” Sean glances at the snow-covered hill.
“Yeah, in Crazyland,” I mutter and start walking, tugging the sleds behind me. Gabe couldn’t shove a toboggan in the trunk, so we have a couple of plastic disc sleds. Gabe bought them on the way to pick us up, per Black’s instructions. I wonder what Gabe’s deal is, if he’s here to protect me or what. I kind of think that he’ll beat the shit out of me if Black tells him to. That part worries me. If I decide to stay with Sean, I have to repay her all the money I earned. That hardly seems fair, but then again, this isn’t a job that I can quit. I brush the worry aside when I see Sean’s face. His eyes are too big and his jaw is hanging open. “What?”
“Don’t what me—I’m not into that kinky shit. I just like things a certain way.”
It’s almost laughable. Sean has no idea how far into kinky he’s strayed. He left kinky behind a few states ago. “Ah, I see.”
Sean walks up the hill with me as we talk. I try to carry the sleds, but Sean takes them from me. “You see what?”
“Denial with flashing neon signs. You really can’t tell?”
Sean shakes his head and then looks at me, like he can’t believe I’d say something like that. “I never thought of it that way. I mean, I don’t do the whole dom/sub thing. You really think that’s what I’m doing?” I nod. He’s quiet. I see the thoughts processing inside his head. His eyes are vacant and he’s touching his face. His lips move silently, trying to reason it out. Finally, he shakes his head and says, “Holy shit, that’s fucked up.”
He believes me now. I take Sean’s hand and start ticking things off. “You want control, complete trust, domination, submission—” Sean jerks his hand away. He looks annoyed. “I’m sorry, Sean. I thought you knew. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You like what you like, even if it is a little twisted.”
Sean grumbles. I bump into his shoulder, but he doesn’t smile. “I used to be…” he sighs, and pushes his hair out of his face. White bits of snow are clinging to his dark locks. Stubble lines his cheeks like always. “Different. Careful, you know. Now it’s almost like I have to be a fucking predator to feel that way.”
“What way?” When reach the top of the hill, we’re both gasping for air.
Sean turns and looks at me. “I don’t know, like I’m still alive. I’m numb all the time, Avery. Before I met you, I barely felt anything anymore. Having sex like that brings me back, but it doesn’t last very long. Then, I need more. It’s like a drug. The more I have, the more I want.” He stares into space, lost in thought.
“Do you have something planned for later?” He nods. His icy eyes hold mine for a moment. “Is it like last night?”
“No, it’s more intense. I didn’t hold back last night, but I don’t usually have sex with the same woman twice. It changes things. I need that raw emotion, but…”
“But what?” The sleds are on the ground. Sean put them down when we reached the top of the hill. There’s a pink disc for me and a blue one for him.
I don’t know what Sean means, or what he wants to do to me later. I’m not sure if I can tolerate more. Last night was a different kind of hell for me. I can’t imagine enjoying that. Nerves flutter through me just thinking about it. More intense. Damn.
Sean breaks the silence. “I wish you liked it. I know you don’t, so it makes me rethink things.”
Smiling, I shake my head and exhale slowly. My breath makes a white cloud in the crisp air. “We’re a pair of idiots. You know that, right? I mean, I want you to freely give yourself to me, and you practically want to rape me and whatever brains I have left.”
Sean steps toward me. “You think that I’d rape you?” I just stare at him. I haven’t the words or the heart to answer that question. Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing? That his fantasy is playing on a primal fear of being overpowered and sexually abused. It lurks at the back of mind all the time. I blink hard and look away. “Avery—”
“Sean, you need to look in the mirror and see the man you’ve become. I don’t know who you were before, but the guy standing next to me is broken and dark. He comes to life when I’m terrified. He thrives at those times.”
“I need it, Avery.”
“You need something that I can’t give you forever. If you don’t bear your soul to someone, soon, this will get worse. You’ll lose whatever piece of you that’s left. You’re hiding something dark, Sean, and it’s eating you alive. I see it in your eyes. It weighs on your shoulders and crushes you until you can barely stand.” I touch Sean’s hand. It’s so cold. He swallows hard and pulls out his gloves. “Don’t you want to feel alive again? Don’t you want to feel love and be loved?”
“I honestly don’t know if I can. Things are so far gone. I’m…” he shakes his head and stops talking. I feel so bad that I tanked his mood like this. At least he’s talking. I get the idea that Sean has a lot he needs to talk about, but no one he trusts enough to do it. He’s stuck, reliving the same nightmare day after day.
I steer the day back to where it needs to go. Sean needs this too, he just doesn’t know it yet. “You’re going sledding, now. You’re going to laugh, and scream like a girl. I’m going to make sure of that.”
Sean gives me a weak smile. He doesn’t believe me. Sean takes the disc and sits down. Before I climb on mine, I give his shoulders a hard push. Sean disappears over the side of the hill. I watch him try to control the disc as it curves down the incline. He laughs loudly as he grabs at the snow with his gloves trying to stop.
At the bottom of the hill, Sean jumps off the sled and looks up at me. “You suck, Smith!”
I grin. Today is going to be fun.
9
When Sean finally reaches the top of the hill again, he runs straight at me and drops the sled. I squeal and try to get away, but the snow is
too deep and my legs are too short. “That wasn’t nice, Smitty.”
I giggle and look over my shoulder just as Sean swipes his hand by my waist. He almost got me. I twist out of his reach and bounce around in the snow like a labradoodle, not moving very far, but avoiding his reach at the same time. “But it was very funny, Jones!”
“You’re going to get punished for that.”
“You have to catch me first.” I’m grinning so hard that my face hurts. I make a bee line past him and jump on my sled. The disc does a one-eighty and I fly down the hill backward. I dig my hand into the snow on one side and whip the thing around. For once, I have good timing. A tree tried to hug my face, but I narrowly dodged it. One disaster avoided.
Sean shouts from behind me. He’s on the other disc, coming down the hill behind me. He’s laughing, smiling so widely that I get a flash of his dazzling grin when I glance back at him. “Oh, I plan on it!” He hits a bump and his last word is garbled with an oof sound when his disc smacks back down. Sean grips the side of the disc hard.
I start cracking up and don’t notice the drop in front of me. The disc jets down into a ditch at the foot of the hill. The sled ends up perpendicular to the ground and plants itself like a headstone after throwing me off. I roll on my side several times, and then slide. It seems like forever. I’m almost in the parking lot by the time I skid to a stop. My hair is tangled around my face, forming a brown shroud. I lay there for a second trying to catch my breath while laughter starts building in my belly.
Suddenly, Sean is over me. “Avery, are you all right? Say something.” He frantically brushes my long hair away from my face, trying to see if I’m hurt.
I sit up, laughing. My hair falls to my shoulders and down my back. It’s covered in snow. “I suck at sledding.”
Sean grins like he’s trying not to laugh. He sits next to me in the snow. Sean can’t keep a straight face. “That’s a bit of an understatement. I think your sled hates you.” Giggles rip through me until I can’t hold them inside. Soon I’m laugh-snorting and can barely sit up. I laugh louder and longer, holding onto my stomach so it doesn’t explode.
Sean laughs with me. The sound is so miraculous. It’s rich and pure. He’s happy in these moments. There’s nothing bearing down on him, nothing tearing him to shreds. Sean flops back and lays next to me on the snow.
When the giggles fade away, I’m staring at the sky. It’s gray. Little bits of snow continue to fall, but they’re smaller now. It’s getting colder.
“I worry about you, you know.” Sean is looking at me. I turn my face toward him, not really getting what he’s thinking. “This thing you have with the cold, it’s…” he sighs and his words disappear.
“It’s what?” I bristle a little bit. It’s my one crazy flaw, well that and talking to my parents, but I need it. I’ll defend what I do, how I cope.
Like Sean does. Damn it. I grit my teeth. Coping is coping.
A bunch of other thoughts run thought my mind, but Sean cuts them off when he scoots closer. He pushes up on his elbow and is over me. He pulls off a glove and strokes my frozen cheek while looking into my eyes. “It scares me, because it’s too much like me. I don’t want you to be numb, Avery. It’s a shitty life, never feeling anything. And once you detach yourself that way, you can’t ever come back. You worry me because it seems like you’re still attracted to the idea.”
Sean’s hand feels so good on my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into his touch. The cold penetrated my clothing and the shivering has stopped. This is the point where sane people would go inside and warm up, but not me. I love feeling like this. I like it when the numbness turns to pain. I know what to do with that. I know how to react.
I press my lips together and watch the concern in his eyes. “I am attracted to the idea,” I admit. “At least a little. But it’s not just the numbness—it’s the pain.” My heart is racing. The way he looks at me could boil the snow in a flash.
Sean leans down to within an inch of my lips. He watches me through lowered lashes. His gaze flicks to my lips and then back to my eyes. “There are safer ways to make you feel pain.”
My stomach twists. I want him to kiss me. He’s so close, but he doesn’t move. “Like in bed with you, Mr. Jones?”
“That’s one way, yes. Think about it. It’s safer than this. You’re going to end up with frostbite or hypothermia.” Sean stops speaking, but continues to look at my lips.
“Got something else to say, Jones?”
“No, nothing else to say at all.” He closes the space between us, and a rush of electricity shoots through my body. Sean has me so charged, so on edge, that when he touches me I’m ready to fly away. When his lips press into mine, I can feel his warmth and for once it feels better than the cold.
The kiss is gentle, careful. He licks the seam of my lips and I open. His tongue dances with mine as butterflies erupt inside of me. They flutter through my entire body until I flare back to life. My back is freezing and my front is warm because Sean is laying on top of me. One of his knees is between my legs. I push my hips against his as the kiss deepens. We’re getting covered in snowflakes as we lay there, barely moving.
Sean pulls away breathless. “Come on. We can’t drive all the way out here and only go down the hill once.” He stands and brushes the snow off his jeans.
“Twice,” I correct, and get up. I’m sweeping the snow off, not paying attention as I smile. “Well, you went down twice.”
Grinning a wicked smile, Sean looks over at me. “I forgot about that. I owe you a punishment.” The way he says it makes my stomach dip. I stop what I’m doing. I’m caught in his gaze, like it’s a snare. He steps toward me and I swallow hard. Sean’s hands slip around my waist and he slams my body into his hips. “Do you want it now or later?”
What the hell is he talking about? I thought he was kidding. From looking into his eyes, I know he isn’t. I laugh, nervously, “Punish me? You need to take yourself a little less seriously.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?” He cups his ear like an old guy and leans in closer to my mouth. “Did you say you want your punishment now?”
“No!” I laugh and back away from him.
“I think that’s what you said. It was something like Sean, I’m a really bad girl and I want it right now.” The way he says it combined with the look in his eye makes my toes curl. Why does he seem hotter when he’s acting twisted?
I have up my hand and I’m backing away from him with a huge smile on my face. “I think you heard me wrong, old man.”
Sean’s jaw drops for a half a second, then he rushes at me. His shoulder slams into me and we fall to the ground. My back hits the ground, but Sean cradles my head. Half a beat later, he’s sitting on my chest and has my arms pinned above my head. “Old man,” he mocks. “You really know how to turn a guy on.”
I laugh and try to twist away. When that doesn’t work, I say, “I want my punishment later. Later!”
Sean laughs and shakes his head. His dark hair is damp from the snow. “Oh, I don’t think so. Let’s see, what would be fitting for scaring the life out of me and pushing me down the hill?”
“What? Why am I getting two punishments?”
“It should be three—you ran away, too.” Sean let’s go of one of my arms and tries to hold me with his knee. I can dip my wrist backward, so I do it. I grab a fistful of snow and hurl it at his face. He gives me an incredulous look. “You did not just do that.”
Before I can say anything, Sean flips me over, yanks down the back of my pants and spanks me three times. I yelp and try to get away, but his grip is too good. When his hand strikes my skin, the cold makes it sting longer. After the last strike, Sean shoves his hand down the back of my pants and pulls away. It isn’t until he releases me and I stagger to my feet that I realize what he did. I screech and jump up and down. He put a ton of snow in my panties. “Oh my God! You suck! You suck! You suck!” I dance around, swatting at my butt, trying to get the snow out.
&nb
sp; Sean smiles and folds his arms over his chest, watching me. “You deserved it.”
There’s too much snow. The skin on my hiney is stinging. I fall on my back and try to sweep out the snow that hasn’t melted. I get most of it out and grab a hand full of snow. I stand and walk directly toward Sean. “That was evil.”
He’s smiling. His hands go into a defensive position. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You’ll just end up getting pinned to the ground and force fed snow.”
“I eat snow for breakfast.” I meant it to sound all butch and scary, but it doesn’t. Sean laughs out loud. His eyes close as his shoulders shake with laughter. He looks up at the sky and laughs harder. I hurl my snowball at him and it smacks into the side of his face. He stops laughing. His eyes narrow and he races toward me.
I dart up the hill with Sean on my heels. He chases me and brings one of the sleds with him. When Sean catches me, he’s breathing hard. His arms feel so good. I lean against his chest. Sean stiffens at first and then seems to relax. He lets me hold onto him, even though I’m sure he wants to peel me off. I glance up at him and say it. I don’t care how stupid it is. I know how I feel and that’s all that matters right then. “I love you, Sean.”
He holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head. “I love you, too.”
10
Sean and I duck in the car behind the tinted divider after he’s frozen. I don’t mind, but Sean insists we warm up. Sean produces the thermoses and we both have a hot drink. It’s weird, but Sean is a different person when sex isn’t involved. He smiles and doesn’t guard his thoughts as much. It’s like he’s been trapped in a cage and suddenly broke free. Sean’s laughter rings out and his teasing is light and playful. I love this version of him.
