by Ward, H. M.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, and then takes a sip of cocoa. It’s insanely hot. The hotel gave it to us on the way out. It’s really good.
“I’m wondering what it would be like to be with the Sean that I saw out there.” I point to the hill. There are tracks from where we were sledding, and a few piles of snow where I crashed. I’m a sucky sledder, but I own it, so it’s all good.
Sean’s lips twist into an awkward smile. He looks over at me after a moment. “I honestly don’t know. When I’m with you and we’re doing stuff like that—sledding, flying a kite, having a snowball fight—I don’t feel like myself. It’s like I forget everything that’s happened for a few seconds and I can breathe again. I can’t hold onto that guy, Avery. He didn’t show up until you came along—I mean, I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.”
“I know what you mean.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “If you had a choice, which guy would you want to be?”
“I don’t think it’s that simple. I can’t just forget everything. That guy is a shadow of what I was. You can’t see it, but I can. When I’m with you and we’re laughing like that, it doesn’t bother me. But when night comes…” he shakes his head and doesn’t finish speaking.
I know about nighttime. I know what happens to my mind when evening spills across the sky like a bottle of ink. The darkness looms over me, crushing me. Sometimes it’s all I can do to get to morning. Every unbidden thought and worry creeps to the front of my mind when my head hits the pillow. I try to shove them back down, but they don’t stay. Dark thoughts start rolling through my mind and hopelessness chokes me until I pass out. Then, the next day comes and the cycle starts over again.
I touch his knee. Sean looks over at me. “I know. Believe me, I know what you’re talking about.”
Sean’s phone beeps. He pulls it out of his pocket and looks at the screen. “It’s getting late. Pete is almost to the city. We better head back.”
I nod, and smile sadly. I lean into his arm and hold on tight. “Try to hold on to the feeling inside your chest. Hold it as long as possible. I know you’re still in there, even if you don’t. I see it, Sean. Don’t give up. Not yet.”
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my temple. “You think that we can pull each other up?”
I don’t know. I want to say yes, but everyone thinks Sean is going down in flames. I shove aside their thoughts. They don’t know him the way I do. They haven’t lived my life. “Yes, because people like us already hit the bottom. Up is the only direction left to go.”
11
Gabe drops us off at the hotel. Sean and I have enough time to change before heading down to the restaurant. I take my time, putting on my make-up and doing my hair. Odds are that Gabe is going to report back to Black. I need to look perfect tonight so she doesn’t strangle me tomorrow. I swipe on a final coat of mascara and pull out my thigh highs. The lace top on the stockings is so soft and pretty. I fasten them to the garters, then stand and smooth my dress. My hair is loose, hanging over my shoulders in soft waves. I had to put a vat of product in to make it look like that. My make-up turned out better than usual. I have smoky eyes and pale pink lips. They look kissable in this violet dress. It’s silk—per Blacks instructions—with a narrow waist and a scoop neck. The skirt is fitted through the hip and then flares slightly. It showcases my features well. Marty would be proud.
Marty.
My mood darkens. I don’t know what to do with him. Every time I check my phone, there are more messages from him, but I can’t listen to them. What am I supposed to say? He tricked me. I feel like a moron. Sean kept telling me that Marty had a thing for me, but I didn’t listen. I never saw it.
There’s a knock on the bathroom door. “It’s almost time to head down.”
I shove aside my thoughts and walk to the door. When I pull it open, I look up at Sean. My god, he looks amazing. He’s wearing a black suit that’s cut perfectly to accentuate his frame. There’s no tie around his neck though. Instead, the top button is open. His shirt is shade of charcoal, which makes his eyes look like sapphires. My breath catches in my throat.
While I’m looking him over, Sean’s gaze travels up and down my body. A wicked smile stretches across his lips. “You look delicious, completely edible, Miss Smith.”
I look away and feel my face flame red. It surprises me. After everything we’ve done, how am I blushing?
Sean reaches for me. He places his finger under my chin and tilts my face up. “You are amazing. Have I told you that?” I nod, smiling softly. “I think you need to hear it again. You are an amazing woman, Avery Stanz.” He leans in and brushes his lips across my cheek. The touch is so light that my stomach erupts into flutters. “I love you.”
I can’t stop smiling. Everything is perfect. The thought of saying the L-bomb was something that always freaked me out, but it doesn’t anymore. I like saying it to him. “I love you, too.”
Sean pulls me to his chest and we stand there, just holding each other. His breath washes across my cheek and I hear his heart pounding in his chest. This frightens him? But he holds me anyway. I borrow his question and ask him. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I should tell you what happened.” His words hit me like a Mac truck. I look up at him and step back.
“Sean, you don’t have to—”
Sean presses his finger to my lips and silences me. “I do, because it’s not what they think. You were right about the papers. They don’t know what happened. No one does.” Tension flows over his body in sheets. Every muscle is corded tight. His gaze breaks away from mine and Sean starts pacing. He runs his hands through his dark hair and down his neck. He takes a deep breath and continues, “I never confessed to killing her, but everyone thought it was me. It was my gun. We were fighting before it happened. Everyone knew she was unhappy,” he laughs, but it sounds miserable, “Well, everyone but me.
“Amanda called me that day. She asked me to come home. She said she didn’t feel right, but when I pressed her she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I thought she was lonely. I told her that I was in the middle of a business transaction and couldn’t leave—that I’d be home soon. My life was all business at that point, more so than now. Amanda understood that in the beginning. I loved her. I wanted to spend time with her, but I never got the chance. Then, everything changed.”
Sean turns around and looks at me. He swallows hard, like he can barely breathe. “When I got home from work that night, I found her. She’d taken my gun and…” His voice catches as he shivers. Sean presses his lips together as I watch the horror play out on his face. “She shot herself. I didn’t want her to be remembered like that. No one knew. Amanda kept everything inside. She always wore that polite smile and told everyone she was fine, happy even. That phone call was the only time she asked for help and I didn’t give it to her.” By the time he stops talking, Sean’s eyes are glassy. There are tears that want to fall, but he holds them back.
My eyes are so wide. “So you let them think you did it?” He nods and looks away. Oh my god. I’m trembling and that wasn’t even my story. The pain in his voice is fresh, like it just happened. He’s walked around with this secret for years, allowing it to devour him. The guilt he feels is etched across his face. Sean inhales deeply.
I walk up behind him. I want to touch him, to pull him into my arms, but he’s paper-thin right now and that will hurt him more. I speak to his back. “No one knows you. The people who say you’re calloused have no idea what they’re talking about. Sean, look at me.” When he doesn’t move, I take his arm gently and turn him toward me. His lashes are clumped together, wet from tears that I didn’t see fall. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was completely my fault. If I went home, if I—”
“You can’t live that way. You can’t question every decision you make. Constantly asking what if will make you crazy. You didn’t know she was that far gone. You didn’t know. This was beyond your control.” Awh
fuck. There it is. This is where that dark side of him is stemming from. This is the pinpoint location—the land mine. I knew the darkness was from losing his wife and unborn child, but this clarifies everything. The guilt is destroying him. It’s why everything he touches turns to ash—he can’t accept that it wasn’t his fault. He believes he killed her.
Sean sees the puzzle pieces snap together in my eyes. “You gave me something I desperately needed last night. Talking about that day makes it worse. I’d ditch my brother and stay here with you.”
“Talking about it will eventually make it better.”
Sean gives me a weird look. “That’s something a shrink would say.”
I’m not a shrink. I know enough not to press on this spot too much. The whole thing could blow up in my face and I don’t want to hurt Sean more than I already have.
I counter, “It’s something a friend would say. Sean, you can’t hold everything inside. It’s warping you, twisting you into someone else.” I reach for his hand and thread our fingers together. “I know you need sex that way. I understand now. Take anything you need from me later. I want you to. Don’t hold back. I want my Sean back. I want the guy with the beautiful smile and the contagious laughter, the one that you thought was gone. He’s still there. If I have any chance of being with him, I’ll take it.”
Sean nods slowly. He runs his hand over the back of his neck and looks down at me. “I wish I could say no.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“Avery, I can’t promise what you’ll get.”
“I’ll get you—the dark, the light, and the monster within.” I smile at him. “You protected her all these years by sheltering her death. You made it so that her friends and family would only focus on her life, and they must hate you for it. You protected her after she was gone, at all cost. I adore that man, and he’s still in here.” I press my palm to his chest. Sean tenses, but he doesn’t move. “You’re a good man with a dark façade. Believe that, because it’s the truth.”
Sean takes my hand and lifts it to his lips. The kiss is soft and light. “I love you, Avery. I can’t lose you too. It feels like the harder I try to hold onto you, the faster you slip away. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to—”
“Shhh. You already apologized and I accepted.”
Sean nods and takes a steadying breath. He blinks away the emotions in his eyes and says, “We better get down there or Pete will think that I’m not coming. Keep me from doing something stupid, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
12
Sean’s emotions are well contained by the time we are seated at our table. Pete isn’t here yet. Sean orders us something from the bar. I sip my wine, wondering how it is that Sean and his brother don’t talk, like at all.
“Do you guys fight a lot?”
He shakes his head and puts down his glass. “No, it’s not like that. Pete just has his own shit to deal with and I have mine. It was more of a natural isolation. I don’t think he did it on purpose either, but the guy did change his cell number. I tried to track him down for our Mom, when he first disappeared, but Pete didn’t want to be found. That’s why this is weird.”
As Sean speaks, I see Gabe walk by and sit at the bar. Shit. Why is he watching me from so close? Gabe makes a subtle movement that tells me to come over. Sean doesn’t see him, not yet. I don’t want tonight to be harder than it already is on Sean, so I excuse myself.
“I’ll be right back,” I stand and take my purse and walk toward the ladies room. Gabe follows. We stand in the alcove to the restrooms.
Gabe hands me a note. “From Miss Black. It’s directions about your meeting with Henry Thomas tomorrow. She didn’t like the stunt you pulled today.”
“What stunt?”
“Fine, I didn’t like the shit he pulled today. Just read the note.” Gabe points a pudgy finger at the letter. I open it up and read fast.
Miss Stanz,
I expect you to dress appropriately from now on. Ripped jeans and mammoth sweaters that conceal your figure should be burned. I’m docking your pay to make sure you learn this lesson, since telling you is obviously not enough.
Keep Mr. Ferro on the leash. Do not give him everything he wants. He is a commodity that I want to keep in play.
Mr. Thomas is expecting your full services tomorrow. I expect you to perform at your best, which is more than a tease. I know you haven’t had sex with this client and you are to change that immediately. No more teasing. Our girls don’t behave that way.
Correct your behavior or I will correct it for you.
Give this letter back to Gabe when you’re finished.
-B.
Gabe’s hand is out. I shove the note back into his fist. Fuck. I glance up at Gabe and ask, “What will happen if I quit?”
“You did not just ask me that.” He takes the note and holds a lighter to the corner. It burns quickly. Gabe drops it in the water fountain before anyone sees. He lifts out the charred note and it crumbles to dust in his hand.
“I can’t do what she’s asking me to do.”
“You should have thought of that before you got into bed with Black. She doesn’t share. Do not piss her off. Finish your contracts before you even consider mentioning fewer hours. You can try to slip out of it slowly, but if Black thinks you’re taking guys on the side, she won’t let you walk away. And I know you have another contract tomorrow. There’s no way out of that one. You signed, girlie. You have to show up or she’ll skin you.”
My heart is pounding. The threat sounds literal, but it can’t be. Mel would have said something. “Fine. Don’t tell her that I said anything.”
He laughs, like I’m hysterical. “I already told you—I like you. You seem like a good kid. You should have run when you had the chance.”
My stomach twists. Gabe starts to walk away. I rush up next to him and ask, “What happens if I walk away now? Like I just don’t show up tomorrow?”
“You don’t want to know, kid.” Gabe continues to walk. I stop in my tracks, with my heart in my throat. I told Sean that I wouldn’t leave him. Damn it. What do I do? I need to figure out how to get out of this.
I walk back to the table and sit down. I smile, but it’s too weak. Sean notices. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He gives me a look. God his eyes are so blue. “Fine, something, but I can’t talk about it here. I’ll tell you later.”
“Is it about work?”
I nod. “Yes, I—” My words die in my mouth. A man is walking toward us. He has a muscular build and a trim body. Dark hair falls into his blue eyes and there’s a crooked grin on his lips. His stride is confident, but damaged. There’s a woman with him. She has big brown eyes and a mess of curly dark hair. The man holds onto her hand as they approach. I incline my head toward them and Sean turns to see what I’m looking at.
“Well, look at that.” Sean sounds surprised and stands. He holds out his hand.
The man stops next to Sean and shakes his hand before pulling Sean closer and placing an arm over his shoulder. He slaps Sean’s back a few times. “Good to see you, Sean.”
“Pete.” Sean nods and wriggles out of the hug.
Pete laughs after looking over at me. My jaw is hanging open. “Does she always look like that?”
The closer Pete got, the clearer it becomes. They look like clones. “Are you twins?”
Pete smiles. He seems so laid-back, so opposite of Sean. “Nah, that’s what people always think when they see the three of us together, well, they think triplets. Jonathan’s the youngest, and this guy is older than me. I’m the messed-up middle child.” Pete grins at me and then at Sean. The woman standing behind him is silent. Pete asks Sean, “Well, are you going to introduce me, or do I have to do it myself?”
Sean is so tense that it looks like his face will crack if he speaks. “Avery, this is Peter Ferro—my younger brother.”
Pete reaches for my hand and shakes it. He smiles and looks nervously over at his broth
er, like Sean will disapprove. “Actually, I ditched the Ferro part. It’s Dr. Peter Granz. Nice to meet you.”
13
I’m pacing the floor of the hotel room, fuming. How could Sean say that? My fingers ball into fists, as I kick off each shoe and watch them fly across the room. Do whatever you want, he said. Damn right that I’m going to do whatever I want. Moving through the room quickly, I start packing my things, shoving them into the bag. The urge to scream has been building inside of me since dinner. It wasn’t Peter or Sidney—it was Sean.
I had my fork halfway to my mouth when Sean announced that he was leaving and heading out with Peter for a few days. When I first heard the news, I could only manage to blink at Sean. He didn’t invite me along, he didn’t tell me he was leaving, and the words he said made me so goddamn angry that I stormed away from the table like some sort of deranged drama queen—but I couldn’t sit there anymore. I would have smashed my plate over his head.
Sean watched me walk away and did nothing to stop me. He didn’t chase after me or call out for me to stop. He let me walk away without even glancing my way. There was no concern, no remorse. Do whatever you want.
I step into the bathroom, and try to grab all my stuff in one trip. I pile my make-up bag and hair stuff into my arms, and head to the shower to grab my conditioner. When I lean forward, everything tumbles out of my arms and skitters across the floor. I stand there for a moment and stare. This isn’t happening to me. It’s not real. I’ll go home later and Mom will be there. She can fix this.
She would have been able to…
My throat tightens to the point that I can’t swallow. My gaze blurs as my thoughts take off in a million different directions like dandelion seeds in the wind. I don’t hear Sean standing behind me until he speaks.
