15 years to life

by Regina Bartley

  All hell, no man in his right mind says epic.

  This was another Blaine disaster. Another damn reason that hanging out with men was important. For my health, and my sanity, I needed this.

  Chapter Eighteen- Present

  Instead of going straight home after Landon’s, I decided that I would go on a job search. I couldn’t sit at home moping around listening to Blaine bitch and complain. Not that she really would. I’m sure it would’ve been me doing the complaining.

  Hours later, when I finally made it home, I still had no job. I’d came to the conclusion that if this was any indication of how my life would turn out, than they may as well stamp loser on my forehead.

  When I walked into the front door, I found Madeline and Blaine on the couch. Neither of them had heard my entry. Madeline was in tears, and Blaine had her arms wrapped around her. My insides hit the floor. This was my fault. She was broken because of me.

  Blaine looked up at me with those sad eyes. She was crying to. It was all a big mess. I started to walk towards them, but Blaine mouthed the word –no, so I eased off. I still didn’t think that Madeline even noticed I was in the room. That was undoubtedly a good thing, being the one that caused her so much pain. I walked quietly to the hallway and sat down with my back against the wall. I was close enough that I could hear them if they talked, and I wanted to know what was going on. Just maybe she would tell Blaine how she was feeling, because she would never tell me. And we all knew how well I read people.

  The seconds turned into minutes, and the crying hadn’t stopped. I wanted so badly to go to her, but it wasn’t me that she needed or wanted. For once I couldn’t protect someone from the pain. Not when I was the one that caused it. Every cry out made my heart ache.

  I sat there staring at the dully-painted wall in front of me, until the crying finally stopped. There was a long moment of silence before either of them spoke.

  “I need my dad. I miss him so much, and I can’t do this without him.” Madeline’s voice was soft and sweet and filled with emotion.

  “Yes you can Maddie. You’re so strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know.” I felt proud of my sister’s admission. She was one tough cookie herself. She proceeded to tell Madeline one good thing after another that she’d done with her life. Madeline should’ve felt proud.

  “Work has me stressed out, and Phillip,” she cried again. Phillip is obviously the boyfriend slash fiancé. “He’s so angry Blaine.”

  “Why?” I heard her ask.

  “He’s stressed with work, and he’s mad all the time. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, and what if he’s right?”

  “You don’t know if you love him?”

  “I don’t know. I mean,” she paused for a minute. “I love the old him, the guy that used to care about me, and worry about me. Lately he’s more worried about himself. I’ve never seen him so mad. He threw a complete fit when Brian said something to him in the parking lot.”

  And here was where the problem lay.

  “Wait, what?” Fuck! “What did Brian say to him?”

  “He told him he didn’t want to see his face at my bar ever again. Can you imagine? He told my boyfriend not to come around anymore.”

  “Well son of a bitch.” I heard my sister say. I may have forgotten to mention it to her. You bet your ass that she was going to shove this in my face later. “He’s got it bad.” She said.

  What the heck was that supposed to mean?

  For a few minutes, no one said anything. My breathing sounded like the loudest thing in the room, and I hoped they couldn’t hear it.

  “I had to fire him today.” Her words burned my ears. “I fired Brian.”

  I thought for a minute that Blaine was going to be upset and say something stupid, but she didn’t. She surprised me.

  “That’s okay. If that’s what you had to do, then it’s okay. You’re the boss.”

  “But I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to fire him. Phillip made me do it.”

  I could feel my heart rate pick up. She didn’t want to fire me. I heard it from her lips. How could he make her do it? What did “make” mean? I was furious by this point, but I couldn’t let them hear me. I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

  “He made you?” I heard Blaine ask, and this was what I’d been waiting to hear. Let her say something bad happened, and I will kill Phillip with my bare hands. I’ll chew his limbs off with my teeth.

  “He thinks that I have a thing for Brian. He told me to choose. It was him or your brother. What was I supposed to do?”

  “He gave you an ultimatum.” Blaine stated, which was obvious. “Was what he said true? You can tell me you know, if you have a thing for Brian. Do you?” She prodded. I was truly appreciating my sister’s mouth and her non-filter.

  Say it.

  Say it Madeline.

  I wanted her to say she wanted me as bad as I wanted her.

  “I understand. I’m here for you no matter what.” Blaine said.

  Wait. What was her answer? She didn’t say the words. Did she shake her head yes, or no, or shrug her shoulders like she didn’t know? This was bullshit. I had to know. I slammed my hand down hard onto the carpet, and it was enough to startle myself. I froze at the sound of it, hoping they didn’t come walking around the corner to check. I didn’t move a muscle as I waited.

  “Thanks for listening to me. I know I can be a real pain sometimes, but I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “I love you,” Blaine said in response. I hadn’t heard her say that to someone’s face other than me. “Can I tell you something? Just between us.”

  “Yeah, of course.” Madeline answered.

  “Sometimes,” I heard her sniffle. “Sometimes I miss my dad too.”

  Oh God.

  Breathe Brian.

  Breathe motherfucker.

  What did I do?

  My fingers felt tingly, my heart was pounding, and my ears were ringing. I couldn’t breathe. She missed him.

  No.

  Pills, where were the pills?

  I ran to the bathroom, and slammed around the cabinets. Nothing, I couldn’t find anything. I needed the fucking pills. I couldn’t breathe. I killed our dad. I did it, and she hated me for it. She thought I was a murderer. I was a murderer.

  I am a murderer.

  And she missed him, that fucking abuser.

  Water.

  I needed cold water.

  My shaky hands turned on the faucet and I threw the cold water into my face.

  “Brian,” I heard her scream from the other side of the door. She was beating on it.

  One, two, three, four…

  Breathe.

  She beat on the door again.

  One, two, three, four…

  The feeling in my face was coming back.

  One, two, three, four…

  “Brian,” she screamed again.

  I opened the door, and stood face to face with the girl who told me she loved me. She was supposed to love me. I protected her. I saved her. She was my life. She was my everything, and the only person I had to live for.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, Bubba. Listen to me. I miss the dad that we used to have. The one we had while mom was alive. Not the monster. I’m glad he’s gone. I’m glad. Do you hear me?”

  I dropped down to me knees, and cried. That was all I could do.

  I didn’t feel just one set of hands touching me, I felt two.

  “I’m sorry. God I’m sorry. You misunderstood me. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I swear. Please don’t be upset with me.”

  It was like we were eleven all over again.

  I hadn’t been that emotional since my first month in jail. Weeks after being outside, and I’ve already cried more than once.

  Being out from behind those cement walls was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and this proved it.

  The two sets of hands were soon down to one. Blaine rubbed my head as I lay it on her
lap. It was my turn to be rescued, my turn to be saved. We didn’t move off the floor for the rest of the night. We slept right there. Just two eleven year old kids, trapped in adult bodies. We weren’t afraid of anything on the outside, but everything on the inside.

  Chapter Nineteen- Past

  I told Blaine what I was going to do. I didn’t have to convince her that it was right or wrong, because she said, “okay” the minute I told her. We didn’t want to live in fear anymore. We didn’t want to be his punching bags, or his cry for help. All we wanted to do was get rid of the fear, and save ourselves.

  We hid outside for most of the day, and waited until he was good and drunk. The note on the counter said that we were gone to grandmas. That was a lie. We were eating Cheetos, and reading books behind the shed. We knew that he wouldn’t find us there.

  Blaine’s face wasn’t healed yet, so the two of us hadn’t wandered off far from the house for the last two days. She didn’t want her friends to see her, and I couldn’t blame her. We had tried to call grandma a few times, but she never answered. She was probably afraid that we might want to come over for real. She couldn’t have that.

  When nightfall came and I knew that our father was asleep, we finally made our way inside. I tucked Blaine safely up in my bed with her gray elephant, and kissed her forehead. She told me she loved me and that she was happy that we were going to be safe soon.

  I had all day to think about what I was about to do, but it didn’t make me change my mind. We couldn’t spend seven more years locked up in the house with him. Next time he’d surely kill her, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. He could have anything he wanted, except her.

  I walked into the kitchen, and pulled a knife out of the wooden block that it was tucked away in. I could see my reflection glaring back at me from the sharp pointed end. It didn’t look evil. It didn’t look scared. The boy staring back at me looked determined, and I was. I held the knife with the pointed end down as I walked through the hall to my father’s bedroom. The door was closed, so I put my ear against it to make sure that he was asleep. I could hear his rumbling snore from outside the door.

  I reached for the handles and opened it slowly, careful not to make a sound.

  There he was, his head facing my direction, his mouth open, and his arm hanging off the edge of the bed.

  I am not a murderer. I am protecting my sister.

  I repeated those words over and over in my head. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but no one could save us but me. The teachers wouldn’t help, our grandmother wouldn’t help, and even the neighbors pretended like they had no idea what was going on. We were just two eleven-year-old kids who were acting out because of the loss of our mother. That was what they’d said. Our beloved father was doing his best to manage a set of twins, while mourning the loss of his wife. It was all a bunch of bull.

  I wrapped both hands around the wooden end of the knife, and without another single thought I plunged it as hard as I could into my fathers chest. Just one time was all I did it.

  He didn’t move. Blood was slowly covering his shirt around the knife as he lay there. I didn’t stick around to see if he was dead. If he weren’t, he would be soon. I shut his door behind me, and went to lay with my sister.

  Her doe eyes stared at me, and I shook my head yes. I wanted her to know that it was over. He was gone. For forever, we would be safe from him. She rubbed my shaking hands and kissed my cheek, and then she recited our promise to me.

  “I promise that some day he will be out of our lives for good. We will stick together forever, and one day there will be no more pain. I love you.”

  This was our day.

  I lay with her for a while longer, before I called 911. I wanted to be sure that he was really dead. That there was no way he could come back and hurt us again.

  That was the last time I would see my sister for a while. I knew it. I wasn’t going to get away with killing my father. No matter what she said, or I said, no one would believe two kids.

  The judge sentenced me nearly three months later before the first snow of the season. I received a life sentence. I was the youngest person in my state to have ever received it.

  The judge said that I had to be put into a juvenile center until I was sixteen, and from there I would be moved to maximum security facility for the last fifteen years of my sentence. I didn’t know what that meant. I was a kid.

  I said goodbye to my sister in the courtroom that day, and watched her as my grandmother took her away. She cried, and so did I. I didn’t want to be without her. I’d never been without her. I was scared, but I had no choice.

  Not once since I killed him had I thought much about it. I didn’t want it to haunt me. But when you get locked away by yourself for days and days, you have no choice but to think about it. Only a couple of weeks were all it took for the nightmares to start. I missed Blaine, and that stuffed elephant. I missed my bedroom sheets, and movie time. I missed everything about my old life, except my father. I would never miss him. We would never miss him.

  Chapter Twenty- Present

  I didn’t get off the couch for two days. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, not even Blaine. She let me lie there lazily and watch stupid TV shows, and she never bothered me. She’d come and go, and kiss me bye each time she left the house for work.

  “Landon called and wants me to come hang out tonight.” Blaine said as she sat down on the tiny piece of couch in front of me. It was her only night off this week, and I wasn’t going to let her spend it with me. I wanted to be alone anyway.

  “Go.” I curled my arm up under the couch pillow that rested below my head.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, go. I’m fine. I’m going to watch more underwater cartoons.”

  “That’s SpongeBob.” She smiled.

  “That’s the name of this show?” Hmm.

  She shook her head. “Didn’t you sing along with the theme song, just five minutes ago? SpongeBob Square pants,” she sang.

  “Oh. Well it should be named after Patrick. I like him way better.”

  “Don’t have too much fun without me.” She kissed my cheek.

  We hadn’t talked about the other night, but I was glad. I didn’t want to relive that moment again. I knew I’d overreacted but it was a scary thought, and I didn’t want to think about it ever again.

  I dozed off at some point while watching TV, and woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. At first I thought I was crazy, but then they knocked again.

  I didn’t bother putting on a shirt. I walked to the door and swung it open without even looking.

  Madeline stood there staring at my bare chest.

  “Hey,” I said, waiting for her to say something.

  She still hadn’t looked at my face.

  Her face turned a bit red when she finally looked up at my wide eyes.

  “I was looking for Blaine. Is she home?” She murmered.

  “No, she went over to Landon’s to hang out. You’re not working?” I asked.

  “I took the night off.” She had a sad look on her face as she sighed. “I don’t know what to do with myself. I should have just stayed at work. Now the whole night, I’m going to be worrying about what’s going on.” She blew out a pent up breath. “I should go. Tell Blaine I stopped by.”

  “Wait,” I called out to her. Suddenly being alone didn’t sound all that great. “You want to come in for a little bit. You can watch SpongeBob with me.”

  She paused on the top step of the porch.

  “I’ll order a pizza.” I said.

  Still nothing.

  “I’m not going to attack you or anything. I know you have a boyfriend. I just thought we wouldn’t have to spend the night by ourselves.”

  She took a couple of steps forward towards me, and I opened the door wider.

  Her eyes met mine. “Okay.” She said. “Let me just run home and put on some comfortable clothes. I’ll be right back.” She took off down the porch
steps.

  I couldn’t tell you why I chose to torture myself so much. I suppose I just liked the pain, but I’d rather have her around a little bit than not at all.

  I left the front door open, and went back to the couch. I didn’t bother cleaning up my garbage before I plopped back down on my pillow.

  She let herself inside the front door, which I was hoping she would, and found me in the living room. She looked cute in her comfortable clothes, or as Blaine called them –Jammies. Her pants had monkeys on them, and she wore a white tank top that you could plainly see her bra through. She looked good enough to eat.

  I pulled my legs up closer to me on the couch so that there was enough room for her to sit down.

  “I hope you don’t mind cartoons?” I questioned. “There’s a lot of other crap on, but I want to find out if this Plankton guy gets the secret formula.”

  She laughed loudly at my expense. “You can’t possibly…”

  “Shhh. Don’t tell me what happens?”

  She sat down on the small spot of couch I left for her, and grabbed the blanket off the arm. “Fine.” She smirked.

  And just like that, we were talking. We were in the same room together, and we weren’t fighting or kissing. It was different, but in a good way.

  I felt the coldness of her feet that were curled up on the couch, so I wrapped mine around hers. I didn’t look at her to make sure it was okay. I looked straight at the TV. I loved touching her, even if it was just with my toes.

  We finished the rest of the episode, and I learned that Plankton did not get the secret formula. He wasn’t sneaky enough. She didn’t talk through the show the way that Blaine usually did. She just watched it in silence. It didn’t feel weird or uncomfortable. It was just relaxing.

  “You hungry?” I asked.