15 years to life

by Regina Bartley

  “A little.”

  “I’m starving. I’m gonna order the pizza. What do you like on yours?”

  “Anything but olives or anchovies. They disgust me.” She wrinkled her nose up. It was cute. “Yuck.”

  I snickered at her facial expression. “Okay.”

  It took the pizza forty-five minutes to get there, and we were able to sit through another episode of SpongeBob. I caught her quietly laughing at a few scenes, which made me laugh too. I suppose there were no rules about having to watch grown up shows with the opposite sex. I mean I knew it wasn’t a date, but it felt intimate. It didn’t matter that we were watching underwater cartoons.

  We shared the extra cheesy pizza out of the box, and she never complained.

  “Are you feeling a little less stressed?” I asked her.

  She nodded. “I am. Surprisingly. Who knew that SpongeBob was the best way to relax?”

  “I did.” I answered seriously. Two days of SpongeBob sure helped me. I watched her take another bite of her pizza. “I’m glad you stayed. I didn’t really want to be alone.” Well, I did at first, but that was before I’d seen her. She didn’t need to know that though.

  “I didn’t either. It’s been a rough week.”

  “Yeah it has.” I replied. “So much has happened since I’ve come home.” My voice trailed off.

  “I know it has to be hard for you.” She looked over at me.

  “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life, besides a three hundred pound man holding a homemade spork to my neck.” I joked. Only she didn’t think it was too funny. She gave me that evil look, that Blaine gives me all the time.

  “I want us to be okay.” She looked down at her lap. “I want us to still be friends.”

  “I thought we were. This is what friends’ do, right? I’m not going to lie, and say that I don’t have feelings for you. We both know that I do. I really hoped that we could be more than just friends, but I understand that we can’t. I’m not gonna try and push myself on you anymore.” I explained.

  “If you’re being honest, than I guess I should be too.” She paused. She reached over and sat her pizza on the box. “I do have feelings for you, more than friends. I think maybe its just an attraction, but it sure doesn’t make things easy for me. I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but no matter what you do, I can’t seem to make them go away. I know it’s wrong because of Phillip, but you have to know that I can’t act on these feelings.”

  “What does that mean?” The acting part is what I was talking about. Her admission got the wheels in my head spinning. Finally, she was telling me how she felt, but I couldn’t get myself to grasp the idea.

  “I love Phillip. He is the person I’m with. So no matter how I feel about you, I will always be faithful to him.” Her voice sounded apologetic, like she was sorry for admitting it.

  I could tell that she was having a hard time saying those words. It was just as hard receiving them.

  “I get it.” I offered her a small smile. “It’s nice to know the truth.” Even if it isn’t exactly what you want to hear. “I can respect that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, but I respect it. I won’t try coming on to you anymore. I swear. But promise me that if anything ever happens with the two of you, that you’ll give me a chance. I won’t screw it up.” I knew that the idea was ridiculous, but I wanted to hear her say it anyway. It was mainly just the idea of it. I knew that I’d never actually be able to have her.

  “I promise.”

  “You better not be lying.” I reached for her ribs and gave them a little squeeze.

  “Stop,” she laughed. “I’m not lying. Quit it.”

  “Good.” I pulled away. “No more serious talk tonight okay because it gives me gas. Yep, I let one rip, right there next to her.

  “Seriously Brian!” She covered her face with the blanket.

  “Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted to be friends. You’re screwed now.”

  We laughed and talked for a while longer. It was nice. It still felt like we were more than friends, but I never mentioned it anymore. I enjoyed having her there with me. Whatever it was that we were doing, I liked it. I wanted it to keep happening, so I didn’t push my luck.

  Sometime later that evening while we were watching a movie, she fell asleep. She looked so peaceful, that I couldn’t wake her. She needed her rest.

  That was such a lie.

  Not completely. She did look peaceful, but I didn’t wake her because I wanted to sleep there on the couch with her. I wanted her to wake up next to me. She may kill me in the morning, but it’d be worth it. The only thing I was afraid of was that I might have a bad dream. I couldn’t let it stop me though. I stood up from the couch and made my way over to her. I positioned her so that her neck wasn’t breaking, and put her head on the couch pillow. She stayed curled up in a tight little ball. I leaned down a placed the gentlest kiss on her cheek, and whispered “goodnight.”

  I don’t know how I made it work, but I was determined to sleep there on the couch with her. So that’s what I did, and there were no nightmares.

  Chapter Twenty-One - Present

  When I woke up the next morning, she was gone.

  But Blaine was there, right in my face.

  “Good morning Bubba,” she said, and her voice was way too chipper. “I saw Maddie this morning as she was leaving. From our house.” She didn’t even give me a chance to get fully awake before she started drilling me.

  “What did she say?” I sat up quickly.

  “Nothing, so you better start talking.”

  I rubbed my hands over my face. “Nothing happened so don’t get all freaking weird on me. We watched cartoons, we ate pizza, and we fell asleep. That’s it. Now quit looking at me like that.”

  “Uh, huh,” she said skeptically. “She had a huge ass smile on her face, and you’re telling me nothing happened. I don’t believe it for a second.”

  “I’m serious, nothing happened.”

  “Oookay then.” Her overly pretentious voice meant that she didn’t believe a word I was saying.

  I stood up, and stretched my arms wide over my head. “Did you have fun at Landon’s?”

  She bounced over to the chair and took a seat. “I did. We just hung out at his place, nothing much. Oh, that reminds me. I’m supposed to tell you that tonight is guys night, and Landon wants you to come. He said you couldn’t bail on him either.” She rolled her eyes. “I told him, you haven’t gotten off the couch in days, and he said to make sure that I tell you to take a shower.”

  “Do you have any idea where they’re going?”

  “Nope, but he’ll be here to get you around seven. Make sure you dress nice for your big date.” She teased.

  “Very funny,” I snatched the pillow off the couch and wacked her upside the head with it. “You should be happy that we’re getting along.”

  “I am. I’m just crabby because I have to work while you all are out getting your groove on.”

  I lifted an eyebrow at her. “I don’t think you have to worry. I’m not expecting to get my groove on. Whatever the hell that means?”

  She smiled. “I love making you say things, that sound so girly. I do it on purpose you know? It’s hilarious to watch.”

  “You’re such an ass. Go get ready for work.”

  I loved that we were joking around again. This was our true relationship. This was how the two of us were supposed to act. We were twins, and our bond couldn’t be broken by anyone. Yeah, we had fights. But I wouldn’t love her any less because of it. If anything, it made me love her more.

  ∞

  Landon picked me up right on time. He drove his big, brand new Ford pickup truck. It was enormous, and made for someone just my size. I was in love. Not with Landon, but that big ass truck. It was white with lots of chrome. I seriously wished that I knew how to drive.

  He had his partner Brent with him, and Brent’s cousin Mike.

  “We’re going to a place downtown to ha
ve some drinks, then we might head over to see your sister before the night’s up.” Landon said, as he backed the truck out of the driveway.

  “Fine by me.” I didn’t care what we did; I just knew that for the first time I was hanging out with guys. No chicks were involved, and I didn’t have to worry so much about what I did or didn’t do. This wasn’t a date.

  The guys talked a bit on the ride over. They seemed pretty cool. It was mostly about work, but I didn’t mind. It was kind of fascinating really. The two of them seemed like a good team. I didn’t want to focus any of the conversation on myself, because I wasn’t sure if these guys knew anything about me. There was no need to freak them out yet. I just wanted to have a good time. I wanted us all to have a good time.

  Inside the bar, the guys ordered a round of shots. I couldn’t drink as much as them, but I sure tried. Nearly an hour in, and I knew I couldn’t hang. I could barely stand. One of the guys made a comment about my size, saying that I should be able to hold my liquor better. I didn’t know that size had anything to do with it. I wasn’t a drinker, and my body knew that.

  “Where do you work at Brian?” Mike asked.

  “Right now, I’m not working anywhere. I was working at the bar with my sister.”

  “Until he fell in love with his boss.” Landon laughed. He was already half drunk. Obviously the liquor gave him loose lips.

  “I’m not in love with her.” I lied. I think I really did love her, but that wasn’t something that I wanted to share with these drunken bastards.

  Landon turned his stool around to face me. “Listen man. We’ve all been there. Am I right?” All the guys raised their glasses.

  “Hell yeah.” They said.

  “You’re just a little late to the game. That’s all.”

  I glared at him, silently begging that he tighten up those loose lips of his. This was supposed to be a night of fun and relaxation. It was supposed to be the time for us to let off some steam. This was not where I wanted this conversation to go.

  “Let’s find you some other hot piece of ass to take home.” He said and we all clinked our bottles together in the middle of the table. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but chasing after some ass didn’t sound too bad. If it meant that we didn’t have to discuss my past with some strangers, than I was up for the challenge.

  Not really up, because I could barely stand. I’d have to sit back and let the ladies come to me.

  Three drunken hours later, we made a pit stop at the bar to see my sister. One of the guys said that we were toasted, and if that meant drunk off our Asses, then yes we were. I lost count of the number of drinks I had. All I knew was that my lips were numb, and I couldn’t tell which Blaine was the right one. There was three of her standing in front of me.

  She was fussing at the guys about letting me drink so much; she’d told Landon that he was supposed to be watching me. Oh, he was watching me all right. He watched me drink every drink. It was fun. They were a bunch of animals.

  “Brian.” I heard an angel say my name. I didn’t see her, but I heard her.

  “Maaadddeeelllliiiinnnneee.” I sang out. “I missed you babe.” I stuttered. I still couldn’t find her. I was walking in circles.

  “Oh, he’s hammered. Somebody get him out of here before he says something stupid.” I heard Blaine’s voice say.

  I laughed. “Puhlease, I’m not gonna say anything stupid. It’s,” I started to say something but it didn’t come out right. So I said it again, trying not to stutter my words. “It’s not like I’m gonna tell her that I love her. That would be bad. She’s not supposed to know. Shhhhh.” I put my finger up to my lips.

  Everybody was laughing at this point. They were laughing at me I guessed. Who knew?

  “I think you guys need to take him home.” I heard Madeline’s voice again.

  “I hear you again. Did you know that you have the sexiest voice?” I called out to the faceless air once again. Where the hell was she?

  “You need to go now.” She said. Her voice was stern.

  “Madeline babe,” I heard from somewhere behind me. It was Phillip. He was here.

  “Well son of a bitch. I thought I told you never to come back here. Didn’t I say that? Blaine, didn’t I say that?” I had my finger pointed forward, but I wasn’t sure if he was in front of me or not.

  “Yeah, sure. Time to go Bubba.” She grabbed my arm.

  I yanked my arm back from her grip. “I don’t have to leave. That idiot who has my girl does.”

  I heard Landon and the guys cackling, and I felt proud. My chest swelled up. It was the first time that I’d felt like a man in a long time.

  “You’re a punk.” Phillip said and I felt his hands push against my chest.

  Now he wanted to start on me. Now, when I couldn’t see two inches in front of me. This was the only time that he’d ever have an advantage over me, although it wasn’t much of an advantage. If I could get a clear view of him then he’d be toast. Drunk or not, my fists were mighty. I just needed one good hit.

  I could feel my ears burning red. He was trying to piss me off, and it was working.

  “Don’t push me.” I growled.

  “Come on Phillip. Stop acting like this.” Madeline’s voice sounded aggravated.

  “No! He wanted to be all big and bad in the back alley, but now he’s standing here like a pussy. Come on big guy. You talked an awful lot of shit the other day. I don’t hear you saying nothing now.” He shoved me again.

  I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t steady on my feet. I nearly fell to the floor.

  “Bubba,” I felt Blaine’s arms wrap around me from the front. “Don’t do this. Listen to me.” She was talking low, but I could still hear her. “You don’t have to beat his face in. He’s only talking shit, because you’re drunk. You need to go home. You can deal with this asshole when you’re sober.” Her voice went even lower. “You can kick his ass Bubba, but not today.”

  I could feel the flip-flopping of my stomach. It was bad, and for a moment I felt like I’d get sick right there in the bar. I listened to Blaine –my voice of reasoning, even though I would have rather just beat his ass right then and there. She was right. I needed to go, and fast.

  “Take me home.” I said to her in a low voice. “And you tell that son of a bitch that he’s mine.”

  “Okay I will.” She replied.

  “Do it now.” I demanded. “I’m not leaving here until he knows it.” And I wanted to hear her say it. I wanted him to know that this was a threat, and he better not let me see his face again. I wish I could have said more. I wish I could’ve gotten up in his face. Two things were stopping me and that was my drunken communication, and my need to vomit. Why did I let myself get this drunk?

  My vision started to blur worse, and the room started to spin. It was all I could do to just stand there.

  There was a ringing in my ears, so I could barely make out voices anymore. I know that I heard Landon scream, and I felt someone’s fist hit my face. It wasn’t a hard hit, but it took me down. Someone was yelling “FIGHT” and I could hear the shuffling of people’s feet from the floor, but that was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Two - Present

  I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, but I woke up in a panic. It didn’t help that I had no clue where I was. The only thing I knew was that I was outside. The night air was cool, and it was real dark. I held the side of my head, as I tried to rise up from the hard surface I was lying on.

  “I wouldn’t get up, if I were you.” I heard Landon’s voice from behind me, and he walked around into my view.

  “Where are we? What the hell happened?” My voice came out sounding like I had nails in my throat.

  “We’re outside, behind the bar. We didn’t make it very far, because no one could lift your big ass.”

  Looking to my left, I noticed the brick wall. It took everything I had to raise myself up against it. My head was aching, and my body was stiff.<
br />
  “What happened?” I asked again, because I still hadn’t gotten my answer. I knew that I got hit, but that was it.

  “Phillip pushed your sister to the ground so that he could take a swing at you.”

  “I’ll kill that bastard. Where is he?” I said trying to get up off the ground.

  Landon’s hand pushed hard against my shoulder. “Easy. It’s taken care of. I’m fairly certain that I broke his jaw. He left the bar after I punched him a few times. I know that him and Madeline had some words out front, but we didn’t hang around to watch it. We carried you out here, and the guys took my truck home. I’m waiting for Blaine to finish closing up inside, then we can go home.”

  “Is she alright? Did he hurt her?” That scared me. I promised that I would never let anyone hurt her again. One careless night of drinking, and I couldn’t protect her at all. Someone else had to do it.

  “She’s fine. She was worried sick about you. She said that he didn’t hurt her, but I saw red the moment his hands touched her. I wanted to hurt him so bad.”

  I could understand that. It was clear how much he loved her, and how he’d protect her when I couldn’t. What did she need me for, if she had him? I was useless. No one needed me.

  I didn’t say another word. The two of us sat up against the wall next to each other, but we didn’t talk. I felt like shit in more ways than one. It was the first time that I realized what a fool I’d been for thinking that I would always be the one to protect my sister. I should have known that she wouldn’t need me forever. But without her, I didn’t have purpose. I didn’t have anything to live for on the outside. It hurt.

  The back door opened and Blaine walked out. “I’m ready to go,” she said. I couldn’t look at her. I felt ashamed. I felt like I’d let her down. I got drunk, just like our father used to do. I was just like him, a piece of shit that wouldn’t amount to nothing. Instead of protecting her like I was supposed to do, I got drunk.

  It was hard to swallow.

  The panicky feeling that I used to get while I was locked up in my cell for days, had taken over my body. My heart raced and it felt like it would never slow down. I was jittery and on edge. It was one thing to get that feeling once in a while, but this time it didn’t want to go away. No matter how much I counted, or how slow I breathed, I still couldn’t shake that uneasy feeling.