The Trash Tier Dungeon

by Kaye Fairburn

  The tavern was his base of operations. It was where he met with the Wonder Guild and where he talked with other Kazzipurrians. Swaying people to see him as more than a strange homeless man was an ongoing process.

  “Something bringing you down, Penelope?” Since the waitress was there every day, Smokey had many opportunities to get to know her. He used their conversations to practice coming off as less of a creep.

  The first time they ever spoke, Penelope practically ran from his table. If it hadn’t been for her being the only waitress in the tavern, she might not have come back.

  Penelope rested her elbows on the bar counter. Her twin braids were finished with bows, the look lending a youthful veneer to her appearance.

  It was too early in the day for anyone other than the tavern’s workers to be there. Smokey was a special exception. The cook was busy in the kitchen, presumably doing prep work for the day ahead.

  “If those guild people come back, I think I’m gonna snap,” Penelope said.

  Bram, the head bartender by virtue of there being no others, nudged her. His salt and pepper colored hair was gathered in a bun. “You and me both.” He rearranged a set of bottles behind them.

  “I don’t know how you can stand talking to them for more than thirty seconds,” Penelope said.

  “It’s their leader that’s hard to take. He’s a loud one,” Smokey said.

  “They’re all bad by association,” Penelope said.

  “I wouldn’t choose to talk to them on my own. I’ve been called to do this,” he replied.

  “By that dungeon? I didn’t know dungeons could call people,” Bram said.

  “A divine, spiritual calling.” Smokey bowed his head.

  “Whatever you want to call it,” Penelope said, “make sure the dungeon’s also calling for those people’s heads.”

  “They’re working on it.”

  “Bram, can I please bring out the specialty cups?” Penelope clasped her hands together.

  “I don’t know. If Gertie finds out about the specialty cups, she’ll kill us,” he said.

  “It’s not like they’re mixed in with the regular stuff. How about this? We give the Wonder Guild people one last chance not to be jerks. We’ll keep the specialty cups under the bar and if they’re nice, we won’t use them.”

  “What are specialty cups?” Smokey asked.

  “Spit shined by yours truly. I do it to horrible adventurers, you know, the obnoxious ones that like to insult Kazzipur when they think we’re not listening,” Penelope said.

  “And she does it to the frequent non-tippers,” Bram added. “I wouldn’t call it spit shining, though. She just spits into the glass before I pour anything in.”

  The wheels in Smokey’s head started to turn. “Have you ever thought of adding something worse than spit?”

  Penelope recoiled in horror. “I’m not pooping into it, you weirdo.”

  “No, not that. The other thing.”

  “I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I don’t want any part of it,” Bram said.

  “I’m talking about pee. I can supply it,” Smokey said.

  “You look a little too happy to offer that. Do we need to talk?” Bram asked. “Spit is one thing, but…”

  “If they do something to deserve it, why not?” Penelope stooped out of Smokey’s view, disappearing behind the counter. She popped back up with an empty glass. “He knows them better than we do. He must know they deserve it.”

  “It’s disgusting,” Bram said.

  “It’d be a hilarious prank. Better than a prank, it’s us getting back at them. How’s that Kazzipurrian Special for you?” She set the glass in front of Smokey.

  “This could be our last send off to them,” Smokey said. “The Wonder Guild wants their next dungeon run to be their last. Robin, their leader, is throwing everything he has into this.”

  “An opportunity like this might not come again,” Penelope said.

  Bram paced back and forth. He came to a stop further away from Penelope and Smokey. “Okay. Let’s do it if they’re jerks. If our boss finds out about this, I had nothing to do with anything. Got it?”

  “Gertie’ll never know.” Penelope giggled. “This is gonna be fun. Bottoms up.”

  Smokey thought it over. “Water’s going to be too obvious. We’re going to have to save the specialty cups for stronger drinks.”

  The tavern doors slammed open. “Chicken!” shouted a familiar and grating voice.

  In strode Robin himself, the rest of his guild unseen. He danced his way over to the group, spinning and swinging his arms without any regard for the tavern furniture.

  “Was that supposed to be an order?” Penelope asked.

  “What do you think?” Robin sneered.

  “I don’t know what to think, seeing how you just wandered in here yelling about chicken.”

  “I’ll spell it out for you, slow girl. I’m ordering chicken for everybody. Make it seven plates. We’re hungry and some of us are having extra. Barkeep, mind if I make a suggestion?”

  Bram grunted. “What?”

  “This has been bothering me for a while,” Robin said. “Lose the bun. It’s unsightly. And let all of the people of this town know that we’re eradicating the dungeon. You people will finally have something to cheer about. I’ll be back in less than an hour. Those chickens better be done!”

  Bram and Penelope had the patience to wait until Robin was gone before grinning at Smokey.

  Revenge would be served in an inconspicuous glass.

  Chapter 21

  The discovery of a glowyrm room brought the dungeon back into action. Unfortunately, by that time, their shiny deposit was depleted. Discovering the next room had to be put on hold for the sake of the workercats’ Morale. The fervent pace of their searching had put some of them out of commission temporarily.

  “I’m purchasing the Quick Strike Advancement,” Minette announced. “Ready for it?”

  “Go right ahead,” Arden said.

  [CONGRATULATIONS! -ADVANCEMENT PURCHASED-

  The catten units have gained the “Quick Strike” Advancement! Units with this trait are rewarded for landing multiple attacks in a row. On their fourth strike, they do an additional 10% damage.]

  “Nice. I’ve never gotten to buy something like that before,” Minette said. “Hey, if things go sour, or anything like that when the guys arrive, I want to say thanks. I know we had our ups and downs but really, I’ve been having a great time. Look at us, we were able to give our cattens special traits and everything.”

  “If you want to see something really interesting, wait and see what will happen when we can evolve our units. We need to advance our tech trees to do it,” Arden said. “Back in my last dungeon, we bred bugs and evolved them. There’s a ton of things we can do once we get beyond the basics.” She took a pause. “This is only the start, Minette. Nothing’s going to go sour.”

  “Except for maybe their attitudes when they start losing.”

  “Exactly. We can do this. Those adventurers won’t know what’ll hit them. I know I’ve said that one million times before, but this time I really mean it. We’ve got better cattens, a spiny lynx, and all kinds of traps.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say all kinds of traps. More like we have some goop, nets, treasure chests with crappy things inside of them, spear traps, pit traps, and snare traps,” she rattled off.

  “You know what I meant,” Arden said, exasperated.

  “I’m being precise.”

  “Fair enough.” Arden teleported back to the Dungeon Heart room. Minette was a bright cherry red. “What’s got you all colorful like that?”

  “Nothing.”

  “It has to be something. I’ve never seen you that red before.” Arden approached her orb. She buzzed around the top of it, seeing a warped version of herself reflected in Minette’s shininess.

  “I’m excited, I guess. All of this is so exhilarating. Things are looking up for us. I’m shocked. It’s s
cary and it’s exciting. I don’t know what to feel.”

  “Same, except I’m more excited than scared. I don’t do the scared thing very well.”

  Minette cleared the throat she didn’t have. She did a remarkable job of reproducing the sound. “Really? Because I clearly remember the time when—”

  “Shut up. I don’t know what you’re going to say but based on the tone of your voice, I don’t want to hear it.”

  [WARNING!

  Five human adventurers have entered the dungeon.]

  “Game on,” Arden said, her determination at an all-time high.

  …Maybe Arden announced that the game was on too soon. She did a double take at the notification that appeared. Why, oh why would there be five adventurers coming into the dungeon? She demanded a recount.

  “They’re all here,” Minette said. “Robin, Micah, Jennifer, Evangeline, and Xander the cleric. Time to bite your tail.”

  “How’s that even possible?”

  “I don’t know. You assumed that they wouldn’t all be here. You made an ass out of—”

  “Don’t! Don’t finish that.”

  The adventurers gathered in the Warp Gate room. Evangeline had her bow out. She twirled an arrow between her fingers, her deftness showing. Xander had a new dust jacket on his book, the cover hidden in a matte black fabric. Micah stretched his legs in preparation for the trek ahead. Jennifer grumbled to herself, her staff sparkling then fizzling out.

  The loudest mouth among them, Robin the Rogue, had a message for the dungeon and her pixie. “Final round. How are you feeling, Trash Tier Dungeon?”

  “Great,” Minette said.

  “We should be asking you that,” Arden said. “Are you going to run away this time like all of the other times? If you want this to be a real final round, then you should promise not to teleport back to Kazzipur like a bunch of cowardly babies.”

  Evangeline laughed. “Living to fight another day doesn’t make us cowardly babies. But if that’s how you want to play, maybe we’ll agree to that.

  Jennifer violently shook her head. “No! I’m not going to die again. Your dungeon will die before I do.”

  “Same here,” Micah said. He finished his warm-up.

  “So you think,” Arden said.

  “Don’t worry, Arden. We’ll kill them before they get the chance to teleport away. They want a final round, so let’s give it to them,” Minette said. She lowered her volume so only Arden could hear her. “The traps are set up. Are you going to bait them?”

  Arden replied at the same volume. “Not yet. Let’s let them get comfortable and think they know what’s going on.”

  ***

  If any of the adventurers thought and insisted he knew what was going on even when he clearly didn’t, it’d be Robin the Rogue. He was the type of guy who boasted an expertise on everything. Nothing was off-limits. Robin had comments and critiques for everybody.

  The matte black fabric book cover that Xander was using? Robin picked that out himself. The shape of Evangeline’s arrows? He made sure to send a bunch of suggestions her way. She dismissed them, reminding him that she used to change his diapers. That got him to shut his mouth quickly.

  He opened it again when it came to Jennifer. Robin had a lot to tell her about her staff and horrible luck. He gave her some words of encouragement alongside a healthy dash of admonishment.

  “We have to be perfect,” he told his guild earlier that morning. “I didn’t spend so much money hastening your respawns for us to fail.”

  “I’m going to skin the boss and wear her ears,” Evangeline had said in return.

  Robin wasn’t one to question someone’s interests, but hearing that made him rethink Evangeline’s guild membership.

  After the rest of the Wonder Guild broke up in the wake of Talon’s death, she’d been one of the only ones who stayed. She planned on sticking around until they rebuilt their ranks. Although she was only fourteen years older than him, she planned to retire early and open a monster meat burger restaurant.

  Fortunately, her being a good and reliable party member let him overlook her less desirable traits, like the whole boss skinning thing. Even now, her cheeks were burning with an excitement she could barely contain.

  Or, maybe…

  “Have you been drinking?” Robin asked.

  Evangeline stopped spinning her arrow. “Never.”

  “Like a fish,” Xander said, ratting her out. “Blame it on that Smokey fellow. He bought her a round of drinks that she couldn’t turn down.”

  “Right before our mission? For shame, Evangeline, for shame!” Robin cried.

  “Micah drank, too,” Xander added.

  “Hey!” Micah cried.

  Robin growled.

  “What was I supposed to do? If I turned the drinks down, then Micah would’ve had to drink them by himself,” Evangeline said. “Smokey wanted to congratulate us on our future victory. Besides, the drinks aren’t going to affect me in the least bit.”

  Evangeline tossed up her arrow, then snatched it out of the air. “See?” she asked. “There’s nothing wrong with me. You have nothing to worry about. Baby boy here’s mad that we didn’t let him drink with us.”

  “That’s not true.” Xander puffed out his chest. “I chose not to.”

  “Yeah, you and your piousness. You’re such a cleric.” Evangeline went back to fiddling with her arrow. “I should’ve taught you not to snitch on your elders.”

  “Can we get going already?” Jennifer interjected, her voice a bored drawl.

  Micah looked at her with concern. “Are you feeling tired?”

  “I was only resurrected, what, an hour or two ago? I could use a nap.” Jennifer yawned and rubbed her eyes.

  Robin sighed. “You’re all a mess! A complete and utter mess!”

  Xander glared, not in the least bit intimidating with his blonde, blue-eyed cherubic appearance. “I didn’t do anything.”

  “Not yet, but you will.” Robin’s eyes glazed over as he looked through his Inventory. When his eyes returned to normal, a pair of golden glasses appeared on his face. They were the same ones as last time, with the lenses that were too small. The glasses balanced precariously on the bridge of his nose.

  Robin refused to let anything get in the way of his assured victory this time, be they his party members or the dungeon’s freakishly long cat monsters. Thanks to his glasses, it was even simpler to detect the traps lying ahead.

  Finally, the adventuring party moved. They journeyed into the next hallway.

  “Trap,” Robin pointed out.

  “Anyone with eyes could have seen that one,” Evangeline said. She shot an arrow at it. The tarp that functioned as fake flooring fell through, pierced by her arrow.

  The party side-stepped the hole in the floor. They wandered down the hall until Robin stopped them once more.

  “There’s a trap in this wall,” he said. “I’ll need a minute to dismantle it.” Robin’s hands glowed blue as he worked to disable the Projectile trap.

  “So far everything seems the same as it was before,” Micah said.

  The crystal orb on Jennifer’s staff brightened. “Incoming monsters,” she said as she tilted back her hat. She pointed her staff at the far reaches of the corridor. Evangeline provided backup, a set of three arrows tucked between her fingers.

  Listening closely, Robin swore he could’ve heard paws padding down the hall. They never showed up.

  “False alarm,” Jennifer said, her staff dimming.

  “I’ll cast a speed buff just in case,” Xander said.

  The group glowed red momentarily.

  Robin gave them the cue that it was safe to move. He didn’t spot any more traps ahead, but he did slow them down halfway through the hall to make doubly sure.

  They turned the corner. Jennifer’s staff alerted them to nearby enemies. A small group of cattens barreled towards them, moving in a triangular formation.

  Sparks shot out of Jennifer’s staff. She missed
the catten on the left. The same couldn’t be said of Evangeline. Her arrows made their mark. One of the cattens faltered, but the others shook off the pain and kept going. Micah stepped up into the fray, holding his great ax.

  Robin and Xander hung back.

  Evangeline’s arrows flew again. One of them jolted through a catten’s foot. Try as it might to free itself, it couldn’t move. Jennifer finished it off with a volley of electro-blasts.

  The catten nearest Micah got a mouthful of his leg when it attacked. He struck it with his ax, his follow-up swing faster than any he’d dealt in the dungeon before. The catten split open, its screeches ear-piercing. It wriggled, giving one last attack before perishing into glittery dust.

  A green circle appeared beneath the remaining catten. It turned tail and ran. Evangeline’s arrow whizzed over its head. Jennifer let it go. It disappeared around the next junction. Robin warned his party members not to go after it. He needed to spot check the hallway first.

  “Good job, team,” Robin said. He lifted his glasses.

  Jennifer’s staff lit up, detecting more monsters. “They might be setting up another one of their ambush traps,” she said.

  “Hey,” Micah pointed ahead. “There’s a treasure chest over there. That’s something new.”

  Xander shook his head. “I wouldn’t trust it.”

  “I’ll check it for traps once we get to it. It doesn’t seem like there’s anything up ahead besides that treasure chest. Let’s keep moving,” Robin said.

  They shuffled their way through the hall. The cleric stuck to the back of the group. Robin led the line, Evangeline at his shoulder. Micah and Jennifer made up the middle of the group. They approached the treasure chest.

  Robin’s hands glowed blue as he examined it.

  “It’s normal,” he said.

  Jennifer tapped the bottom of her staff against the ground. “The monsters must still be around the corner. My staff hasn’t stopped glowing.”

  Evangeline grinned. “Thank you for pointing out the thing that everyone can see for themselves, Jen. What would we do without you?”