Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2)

by Brittney Coon

  “You keep saying that to yourself,” he said dryly, rubbing his hands on his jeans.

  I stood up to put some distance between us, swallowing the anger rising within. The old me would lash out and pick a fight. The new me had to be more calm. “Why did you fall for me then? I sound like an awful person.”

  “Because I knew it was a front. Something told me there was a better person inside waiting to come out.” He got to his feet and took me in his arms, giving me a well-needed hug. “Syd, I don’t like to talk about my past with my father, but when he left I was in a bad place. When I met you, I saw my old self and felt like I could help you. I didn’t have anyone who understood what I was going through and I wish I did, so I wanted to become that person for you.”

  My arms hung at my sides for a moment before I placed them around his waist. We stood there, holding each other, swaying a bit.

  “It’s strange to know one of my summer boys got through to me…” The words poured out of my mouth.

  “Excuse me?” Jason pulled away, holding me at arm’s length.

  “Nothing, just forget it.” I shrugged him off and went to sit on Amelia’s bed. Fear ate away at my soul. Everything was working out so well, and I had to open my big mouth.

  Of course this had to pour out of me after that spat with Angelo. Sometimes it really did seem like the universe had it out for me.

  His silver eyes turned into black holes. “No, how many summer boys do you have anyway? You did this kind of thing for how many years, six?” He folded his arms over his impressive chest, saying “summer boys” like it tasted like vinegar.

  I licked my lips, avoiding the question.

  “How many?” His voice was firm like a police officer’s after pulling someone over. His eyes pierced my skin.

  It felt like acid was being poured into my belly. “There is no list, Jason. I went to clubs and saw a hot guy, then we’d screw and I’d go home. The amount varied summer to summer.”

  Shit. Shit. Shit. Why can’t a bolt of lightning just kill me already?

  His eyes dug deeper, burning my soul. “Give me a ballpark.”

  I swallowed my heart. “Maybe fifteen a summer? I don’t know…” I trailed off, not wanting to talk about my past with my boyfriend. We needed to look to the future, not the past.

  He shook his head as he paced the room. His arms were crossed behind him. I tried to figure out why he was getting himself worked up. I gave up that lifestyle when I came back home to Arizona. I was only a “whore” for the summer. Plus, Jason changed me. Nothing would bring me to have empty sex with strangers again after being with him.

  “What about this past summer?”

  I dug my nails into my palms. “This one, when I met you?” I asked stupidly.

  “Yeah,” he replied, still pacing.

  “Do you want to know?” Everything in me felt sick, as if I’d die at any moment.

  His face twisted in dismay. “Just say it.”

  “Fine…” I thought back to the summer. There was the guy in the club and two rock stars…some guys looked at me, but we didn’t fuck. And a girl kissed me. A headache broke my train of thought. “Including you, about four that I can think of. Being with you made me not want to fuck around that much,” I said quietly, looking over at the window.

  “Four? I guess it’s better than fifteen. That’s more than a…” he trailed off, shaking his head while pinching the bridge of his nose. The look he gave me wasn’t out of love anymore. For a brief moment he appeared generally sickened.

  My heart pounded against its boney cage. “More than a what? A hooker?” The word tasted like bleach.

  “I didn’t mean…how did we get on this topic?” He ran his hands through his hair nervously.

  “How many girls have you been with?” I challenged. It made no sense guys could sleep around with a lot of girls and be deemed a “player” and if a girl slept with a lot of guys that marked her as a “slut.”

  He kicked at the carpet. “In my lifetime? Three.”

  I clenched my jaw. Three? He was only with three fucking women?

  He sighed, rubbing his temples with two fingertips. “I know that look…”

  My insides trembled. I had no idea I was giving him a look, but it was probably out of shock. I didn’t know Jason was so…good.

  “Syd, I told you. I don’t do one-night stands. I like relationships. I’ve been on many dates and had a few girlfriends, but only had sex with three women. My high school sweetheart, my ex who cheated on me, and you.”

  I sat back on Amelia’s bed, pulling my legs to my chest. “Jason, I…I don’t know how to process this. You make me feel like some kind of…” I looked down at my feet, not wanting to say.

  “That’s not what I wanted you to feel like. I’m sorry for bringing it up.” He took a step toward me. “Let’s forget about it, okay?”

  I shook my head, blinking back tears. “You can’t forget that. I know you’re going to think of me differently, even if you don’t mean to. Hell, you’re probably wondering if I have some disease or had a pregnancy scare.”

  He got down on his knees before the bed, resting his arms on the edge by my legs. “That’s not what I’m thinking at all, Syd. I’m glad you picked me. I’m glad I’m the one you fell in love with.”

  His words were sweet, but they weren’t helping. “Jason, I think you should go.” I picked at a small scab on my thigh to avoid looking at him.

  “But…I love you and—”

  I put my fingers to his lips. “I love you, Jason. And I know you love me, but this makes me feel dirty. I just want to be alone, okay?”

  A clap of thunder shook the room. Without taking a look outside, it was easy to know a storm had hit us. The monsoon season was over, but that didn’t mean the storms were finished yet. Rain pelted the windows like a million tiny stones. My heartache seemed to be in sync with the flashing lightning.

  Maybe my wish will come true and I’ll be killed by a stray bolt. Then this ill feeling will forever leave me. How could Jason want to be with me? Angelo won’t be the first to be an asshat and hit on me due to my past.

  Jason stood up and looked out the window. “All right, Sydney. If you want space then I’ll give that to you. I want you to be happy, whatever that means. You need to learn what you want. I want you, flaws and all, but I can’t deal with you being in and out when I’m all in. Let me know when you decide.”

  “I’m sorry. My brain and heart are confused. I don’t know anything anymore.” Thunder shook the room again. “You can wait the storm out. I don’t want you to—”

  He grabbed the doorknob, flashing me a weak smile. “I’m cool with some rain. See you around.” The door closing behind him felt like a lead door, sealing us forever apart.

  What a fucking fool I am! Did I just kill the one thing I have going for me?

  I dragged my body back to my bed and buried my face in my pillows, screaming until I couldn’t anymore.

  A morbid metaphor came to me.

  I’m like a butterfly, pretty to look at but once captured I freak out and die.

  I didn’t know how to handle being with Jason. He’s so pure. I didn’t know a guy could be like that. He’s too perfect, and I’m a mess. Did we match or were we a circle trying to fit into a square’s space like that child’s game with different shaped blocks?

  I’m an idiot. I’m comparing the love of my life to fucking baby toys and myself to a butterfly! What the hell? Maybe I should be alone for how stupid I am when it comes to people. Maybe I shouldn’t be a therapist if I can’t even get my own life under control.

  Fear knotted in my stomach. I didn’t want to end up like Rachel and Ross did in the show Friends when Rachel wanted space from Ross. He ended up cheating on her and started that notorious “we were on a break” fight in the third season. I didn’t think Jason would cheat, but I didn’t want to risk losing him for any reason.

  Maybe he feared I’d cheat on him. After all, I did have a bad track rec
ord and an ex had already cheated on him. He probably feared that would happen again. I’d never do that to him, though. I’d rather swim with sharks than break Jason’s heart.

  I wiped my tears and slid on my black coat. I stepped into a pair of flats and ran down the hallway, hoping he was still waiting for the elevator. No one was in sight. I hit the button and waited. It felt like hours. I debated going down the stairs when the elevator dinged. Three girls came out laughing and passed me without a second glance. I hit the ground level and bit my lip as the steel doors shut. When they opened, I bolted and searched for Jason in the lobby. Maybe he was waiting the storm out, but the only people there were a couple making out on a couch and the girl behind the desk.

  My heart fell to the cement as I walked past the glass doors. The rain fell down my face, mixing with my tears. I stumbled and leaned against a cement column. The words on a “missing bike” flyer bled down the piece of paper it was on.

  It was all my fault. Jason was gone. I felt beaten and broken by my own hand. The rain soaked through my coat into my bones. After a few heartbeats, I found what was left of my strength to go back inside and up the elevator.

  I tossed my wet clothes into the bathtub and slid on a fresh pair of underwear and a purple nightgown. All my nerves were shot, and I broke down crying onto my pillows. It was the kind of cry that was messy and made it hard to breathe. After some debate, I grabbed my phone and sent Jason a text.

  Me: I’m sorry for my outburst. I hope u got home okay.

  For five minutes I stared at my phone and nothing happened. I hugged Scooby-Doo to my chest and read a book to keep my mind off our fight.

  My cell phone buzzed. I picked it up and read.

  Jason: Got home fine. I’m going to give u the space u want.

  I stared at his words. That wasn’t what I wanted. I needed him in bed with me to keep me warm. My phone slid through my fingers onto the floor. The book wasn’t holding my interest anymore. I tossed it aside and curled into a ball, trying to sleep while clinging to Scooby.

  Sometime later, the door opened. I peeked through my eyelashes only to see Amelia with a wet mop of hair. She looked at me and tiptoed to the bathroom, probably thinking I was asleep.

  I didn’t want to talk to her about my fight with Jason, not yet. All I could do was close my eyes and focus on my breathing, hoping it would lead me to dreamland.

  That wasn’t working. All I thought about was Jason falling out of love with me and finding a “nice” girl, one who wasn’t cold and insane when it came to her emotions.

  I needed to find a way to prove to Jason I loved him and that I was sure about him, that those summer boys were of a past that belonged to another girl who didn’t truly know who she was. All I knew was I liked sex but didn’t understand the satisfaction a relationship could provide and how that made sex ten times better. Somehow I’ll learn to think before I speak. For fuck’s sake, I’m a psychology major. If I saw someone else living my life, I’d point out the errors and try to guide the girl back onto the right path. Yet I let my life unravel. The irony made me sick.

  I, Sydney Anne West, need to get my priorities straight or I’m going to forever regret my choices in life. I don’t want to be depressed and have a hundred cats. I want to have Jason and an apartment somewhere. He can have his computer business and I’ll have a therapy office in the city. We’d eat dinner together and do random, fun things on the weekends. We’d take trips on our vacations and maybe have Amelia and Hunter tag along too.

  That was my new dream, something I needed to work toward. I inhaled Scooby’s scent as Amelia came into the room and pawed through her dresser.

  Just let your doubt go. Jason loves you. You love him. Let everything else be.

  Who knew the voices in my head would give me words to live by? Now to put them into action and stop falling back to my wicked ways.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jason wasn’t lying. He gave me space, all right. For a week, all I saw was the inside of classrooms and the bookstore. I longed for Jason’s touch. My entire being missed him when I was in bed. It was hard to fall asleep, and when I did the dreams were hideous. Food tasted bitter. Amelia happily talked about Hunter, making my stomach twist. If I had any more space, I’d go mad and my heart would grow icicles again. I wanted to move forward, not back, but what could I do to show Jason I was ready? Maybe he would come to me? I had no idea, and I hated being lost.

  It was Halloween, and Amelia was hell-bent on going to a party. For most Halloweens I’d dress up as a witch. All I wore was a black dress with the hat and heels, nothing fancy. Amelia always poked fun at me. Mostly because I was usually a bitch, and being a witch was so hilarious. I never laughed.

  Due to the feud with Jason, dressing as a witch felt wrong on many levels. Amelia dragged me to get a costume with her a while ago. She settled for a sweet fairy. The short pink dress and glittered wings made her look pretty. The stilettos she wore made her sexy, and the heels were wide enough that she couldn’t fall in them unless someone pushed her, but that was another issue.

  It was harder for me. I didn’t want to dress slutty and annoy Jason. There was no need to flash the world my breasts or ass at a time like this. If anything, it would make matters worse. I was going to opt for a Scream mask and a black cape, but Amelia refused to be seen with me if I wore it. My costume ended up being a Renaissance princess. All I had to wear was a tight, yet long velvet green dress. It had gold trim with a thin golden belt around the waist. It came with a matching velvet halo with a flowing veil, but I tossed that. With my black sky high heels, which went unnoticed, and dramatic eye makeup, I was ready for the party I didn’t want to attend.

  The party was like any other I attended before, though most didn’t involve costumes. There was the group trying to drink each other under the table. In the corner were all the couples who wanted to make out. Upstairs were the more horny people, humping each other like crazed bunnies. I remembered being one of those girls in California. Hell, I fucked a rock star just because I could. Memories burned me, reminding me of the girl who denied love existed. With two handfuls of my dress, I went to find the hard liquor. Their watered down beer wouldn’t do the trick.

  The bar was in the kitchen, hidden in a cabinet. The host must be pushing the beer, hence all the kegs scattered in every room. I was a rule breaker, so I opened the whiskey and poured myself a glass.

  “Thought I’d find you in here.” Amelia gave me half a smile. There was a red cup in her hand. Hunter stood at her side, dressed as a pirate. He nodded in my direction.

  My heart ached. If Hunter was around, then Jason could be too.

  “The beer sucks here, in my opinion,” I said, raising the whiskey bottle for emphasis.

  “Come on out. The DJ is about to play some sick music. We can dance together.” She grabbed my arm, trying to pull me away from my beloved Jack Daniels.

  “If we dance too close, people will think we’re together.” I brushed her off and took another shot.

  She shrugged and gave me a shy smile. “Maybe it will keep the weirdos away.”

  Hunter snorted. “I’ll be sure there are no weirdos around.” He cracked his knuckles in an attempt to look tough.

  Amelia patted his arm. “I know, honey. You can protect us from the sidelines.” Her eyes flicked back to me. “Don’t you want to have fun, Syd? A fight with Jason isn’t a good enough reason to hide away.”

  “I’ll probably be a downer, but you two have fun.” I leaned against the counter, hoping she’d give up on me and take Hunter to the dance floor, leaving me alone with Jack.

  She hooked her arm with mine. My plan to hide in the background backfired. I was forced to down my shot and be towed to the dance floor.

  In reality, the dance floor was a living room with all the furniture removed. Amelia grinded her hips and held her cup over her head. Instead of dancing, I was more swaying and trying to keep disgusting men’s sticky fingers from touching Amelia and me. Hunte
r gave every guy who came an arm’s reach of us the stink eye.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone familiar. With a closer look I realized it was Jason, dressed up in a violet blue Renaissance suit. My gut twisted and my heart pounded. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but my mouth went dry.

  He spotted me and moved closer. My flight or fight kicked in. I chose fight. People cussed under their breath as I pushed myself out of the crowd. One guy portraying a zombie almost spilled his beer down my front. In that moment, I didn’t care. I needed to get to Jason. Someone bumped me, pushing me into a couple making out. I stopped for a moment to grab more of my dress and continued to move, only I lost sight of Jason.

  On my tiptoes, I saw at least one hundred people dancing and drinking. There were girls in short dresses playing nurse to guys dressed up like they were from a past decade. Some couples matched. My favorite was a girl dressed as an outlet and her boyfriend the plug.

  I scanned the back wall, finding the line for the restroom extremely long, like it was for every party. As I made my way through the heart of the crowd, the pounding music cut off. The walls weren’t vibrating anymore, making the room feel odd. People moaned, shouting at the DJ to fix the issue.

  “I’m sorry, but my friend here has a special message for his girl,” the DJ said. There was some static as he passed the mic.

  I ignored everyone. My goal was to find Jason.

  “Sydney, if you’re here I want you to know I love you and I’m sorry for our stupid fight.” It was Jason.

  Most of the crowd aww’d. A few guys shouted “Wuss!” and “Whipped!” But Jason stood on that stage as if awaiting his Oscar.

  A tingling sensation spread across my body. His voice froze me. All I could do was listen to his delicious voice.

  “I don’t want any more space between us. The only way I saw fit to show you how much you mean to me is to sing. So, Road Dog…”

  “Here’s to you, Miss Sydney. I wouldn’t let this one go if I was you, girl,” Road Dog said before putting on some music.