A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 16

  Sometime in the night, I felt someone put a pillow under my head and a blanket over me. I woke just enough to mumble a thanks and tighten my grip on her hand. I assume it was Christophe. The Bradley bot wouldn't have thought to be that considerate. I slept soundly until much later, when the fluids did what fluids will do and I woke up having to pee. I stood and stretched out the kinks, then found a bathroom across the hall. I felt worlds better, even though my image in the mirror was shockingly horrid. I ran cold water over my face and that helped.

  I went back out and the Bradley bot was in the hallway. "I'm glad you are awake. Christophe said you were not to be disturbed even though it was far past test times. In the future, please see to it that you wake and sleep following the schedule. Otherwise you throw my entire staff off." In the room, they were doing things. Nursing things, perhaps. Testing things, for certain.

  "Just wait, Jake. They are helping her." I turned around to see Christophe sitting at one of the stations. He was tapping on a terminal. He looked up after a minute. "You look much better."

  I felt suddenly...caught, I suppose. Shy. A kid waiting for punishment. I expected reckoning, just not so soon. It took all I had to take the seat he offered. I sat on the edge. I wasn't going to run, but I suppose some instincts just take over.

  Christophe sat back. The lights were dimmed in the room to allow it to feel like night time. I wondered if the other glassed in rooms contained other patients. "I am not going to pretend to need an explanation," he began. "Nor am I going to ask you how you discovered. I will assume you snooped and that way Ralph has not betrayed his loyalties to StarTech."

  "I did snoop," I said quickly. "Ralph had nothing at all to do with it."

  "I figured as much. There is a certain level of panic you cannot fake. I will also chalk up Mr. Bert Collins' involvement as a desperate act of coercion."

  "It was," I insisted again, starting to feel the potential implications of what I did. "I promised he wouldn't lose his job."

  "That was a foolish promise you have no wait of keeping."

  "But..."

  "No. He's fired. However, he can keep the credits he won in the...lottery, was it?" I felt my face turn red. We didn't get away with a single aspect of our plan. Not a one. "It's more than he'd make through retirement with us. I do not believe he'll be too upset with the news." He sat back and tapped his finger on the desk. "Now. About young Mr. Donnely."

  "It was completely my fault."

  He gave a little laugh. "Oh, now don't think I don't know that. However, he was involved. Knowingly, willingly. Do you know the levels of hacking he had to do to pull this off? No, I don't think you do. He broke just about every law on the books concerning electronic transmissions, not to mention finances, espionage..." I swallowed hard. I hadn't thought about that. Hell, I didn't know anything about these laws. But Marlon did. He had to. And yet, he did it anyway. "He's no longer a child, Jake. We extended his contract to allow him the same indentured status simply because we know how much his sister means to him. It's the only noble thing he's ever done, and frankly, I bet will ever do. To us, he's still a child because we've extended him a certain courtesy. I have no plans to change that status. We will prosecute him as a minor. But if we can't keep this secret, keep it to ourselves somehow, then it very well may be out of our hands."

  I tried to swallow again and found it impossible. "Will he go to prison?"

  He didn't insult me by lying. "Maybe. Probably, if they ever find out." He let me squirm for another minute before he added, "I said if. I do not want you think you can keep doing things like this, but I also cannot let you continue to think the worst for your friend."

  "He's not my friend."

  Christophe almost smiled. "Then your conspirator. He'll be punished here then released. The process should take several months."

  "And Lynette?"

  "Jacob, do I seem the type to punish others for the foolish acts of their family members? Hm? Miss Donnely still has a great future here at StarTech, even if she did behave a little foolishly while on Earth."

  They were all safe.

  "That takes care of your cohorts. On to your punishment."

  It didn't really matter. As long as I could stay here and be with Ashnahta and help her recover, it didn't matter at all. He'd let me stay and I knew it. Still, I needed punishing by their thinking. I knew that, too. "Go ahead."

  "You're to be confined to this ward. You will turn in your pass key and forgo your clearance level. You will not set one foot off this floor until we decide you may. If you may."

  I tried desperately not to smile I was so relieved. That was a punishment? I'll take it! "I guess it's what I deserve," I said with as much contrition as I could muster.

  His eyes sparkled but he kept his firm look. "And that's the punishment from me. Reginald will no doubt have his own. As will Ralph." The twinkle faded a bit, and I could see he was serious now. "You could have killed yourself, Jacob. When we heard you were doing the jump without gas..." He shook his head.

  "But I've done it before," I defended.

  "When you had a full staff of trained people around you in case something went wrong, at much lower speeds and certainly not for that long of a time period. They may seem like small things to you, but each of those variables had the potential to kill you. What did you have on X3 for support? If your vitals had truly been in jeopardy, who could help you?" He flicked his wrist. "A few drones and a passed out idiot. It was foolish."

  I conceded. "I didn't feel like I had a choice."

  "I know." That surprised me. "I'm not so unfeeling that I didn't see this happening. Of course you had to come as soon as you knew."

  "Then why didn't you tell me?"

  He sighed. "Even I have a boss, you know. And a greater responsibility. We needed you on Earth. We're so very close..." He shook his head quickly. "And even if we were not, or even if we had somehow gotten the carte blanc blessing from the IOC that's our impossible dream, we still would not have told you rashly. I understand we are a business, but you need to believe that our business is humanity, is people. That begins with our own. You're so young, Jacob. And you've already had one terrible blow. Could we deliver another so soon? That would have been irresponsible at the very least. We had third hand data, mostly from bots. We had to know for ourselves first. So it was determined that I would come up and monitor the situation for myself, and Reginald would try and speed up the last push for the bill that will grant allowance for deep space human procreation. We're so close. They were supposed to have the final hearing and then vote.

  "What I am asking for is not your forgiveness. We've done nothing you need to forgive. I am asking for your acceptance of the facts, and your understanding of the difficult choices we had to make. I understand her importance to you. But you still underestimate your importance to human expansion."

  After all the things I'd learned in that week, it wasn't the worst offense. I could grudgingly see his points, and I could live with it. I didn't like it, but if I started making a list of all the things I didn't like...

  Christophe said all he had to say. I knew by the way he was holding himself that he did not expect or even want a reply. It was one of the things he just wanted me to hear and then think about. It's a pretty fair way to deal with a kid, I'll give him that. The subject was closed. He had his say, and I would have my thoughts. And between us, all was out in the open and settled.

  I glanced at the window across the hall. "She hasn't woken up at all." I wasn't asking. I'd have known that, for certain.

  "No." Again, I knew I could trust him for the straight answers. "She's very weak, according to the biostats sent by your mother." He looked uncomfortable for the flash of a second before he schooled his features in to the standard, cool, in control Christophe. "The fah'ti has been closed."

  He had said something like that already. "On their side?"

  "And ours. We got a large bio reading and sent a probe. They
found her. She had the fah'ti linked to some sort of holo on her person."

  "They don't use holos." They didn't have to.

  "It looked a lot like ours. Yours, I should say. Old tech, definitely something that would have been on the Condor, but highly modified. Bradley has been analyzing it."

  "And it closed the fah'ti?"

  "Yes."

  "Good."

  He looked at me without speaking. He was waiting for me to explain.

  "They'll kill her, Christophe. That's the culture. She can never go back. Like me."

  "Bradley theorizes that they sent her through, that they did it to make sure the fah'ti was closed."

  Could they have? It would have fit their culture, had it not been the primary to the throne. "Not her. They would have sent a slave."

  "I did not know they were a slave society."

  I quirked and eyebrow. "What do you think Mother and Dad are?"

  It was something he hadn't considered. "So she did this on her own."

  That didn't make sense, either. It had to be one or the other, of course. Either or. But neither fit with the culture. "She was supposed to take the throne. Before I left she was in her final stages of preparation."

  "Then she must have stepped down."

  Why? I looked across the hall. Nurses hovered over her. She looked so damned small. "But that's not her. It's not. She's...she's always been so proud to be the next primary." That was such an understatement that I laughed at myself. "More than proud. It's not just something that was supposed to be her job or her future, it's...everything about her."

  "Is that why the adornment of jewels?"

  Christophe sounded interested, truly, deeply interested. I turned around. "Partly, though that's really only a symbol of wealth. Many Qitani do that type of decoration. The color blue, that's what indicates royalty. Mostly the Qitani use green gems. Some use fake ones of metal, which the real rich people laugh at but I think still look nice because it's all...shiny. Pearly. It swirls and shimmers different colors."

  "Yes. She was wearing a suit of that metal."

  "It's the only metal I've seen used on Laak'sa."

  He quirked an eyebrow. "Is that so? Well, it's a very good one. Bradley has a team..."

  Analyzing it. He didn't have to finish. "Right. I think it's nice. Everyone on the Condor did, too. But to them, it's just...metal. Like aluminum. Or tin. Boring, old, useless." I smiled at Christophe. "Too bad we don't have more of it, eh? People would kill to have a house that shines like rainbows."

  Christophe gave a small laugh. "Who knows? Perhaps this will be a test for how good..."

  What is happening to me?

  The hairs on my neck stood up. Panic filled the voice in my head.

  Stop! Stop at once!

  I turned around and jumped out of my chair.

  "Jake?"

  I ignored Christophe and ran back into the room. Her eyes were closed. I could feel her, though, feel her pulse begin to race, feel her fear. She was waking.

  I reached out to calm her. I'm here.

  Jacob? Where?

  Her voice was almost screaming, child like and terrified. I sat and put my hand on hers.

  "Jake, what's happening?" Christophe was right behind me.

  Who is that? What is happening to my self? I feel...such...pain...

  And then she moved. Her forehead wrinkled in pain, her body twitching in aching spasms.

  I tried to sooth her. Shh, it's okay. You made it and you're safe. Just stay calm, breathe in. I'm here.

  Her eyes suddenly popped open. I ignored Christophe's gasp and stared into them, the eyes I never thought I'd see again. Calm. Cool. Deep violet and clear as ever. Her forehead relaxed. Her muscles eased. And for a second I felt her relief mix with mine in an almost overwhelming flood of calm. And then she narrowed her eyes into the familiar glare.

  I should never look upon you again with your slow insolence!

  And then I smiled, in spite of her anger. And when she continued to hurl insults at me, I threw my head back and laughed. It would all be okay. I picked her hand up and kissed it and she gasped out loud.

  What is the meaning of this? You do not have permission to touch me. Where is your suit? And why aren't you all slimy? You are supposed to have skin that feels slimy.

  And you are supposed to be all scaly. I guess our parents lied.

  "Jake," said Christophe patiently behind me. "Is..is everything all right?"

  They cannot inspeak, I let her know.

  Good. I do not think I want such people to know my words at this moment.

  Very regal. I smiled at her again. "Everything is fine, Christophe."

  You lie! How could you tell him such? I am connected to these machines and these..these..grundhi dare tell me...

  I sighed inside. I urged her to calm down. I pointed out that the machines were beeping louder the more upset she was and that the louder they beeped, the more the grundhi would do to her. She gave me an angry look, but I could feel the fear behind it. I squeezed her hand. It startled her, but she didn't pull away.

  "She's scared. Get everyone to leave her alone." I left no room for arguing.

  Christophe turned to one of the nurses rushing in. "I want the room cleared of all staff. Immediately." The nurse nodded and cleared out the others and the bots. "And keep that door closed until you have my permission to open it." The nurse agreed and left. "Is it all right if I stay? Or should I leave as well?"

  This is your primary?

  I laughed. "No, Christophe is not a primary," I said out loud. Inside I explained his position.

  I am in no shape to take council.

  She was tired. She was scared. She was weak and in pain...and still, always, forever a queen. The absolute relief that flooded through made my smile bigger. "It's okay if you stay," I told Christophe over my shoulder. "But keep in mind she's very weak."

  Jacob! You do as I command.

  Not here. I squeezed her hand again to let her know to follow my lead on this one. She was there! Real! With me! I felt...electric.

  You have been changed. Has it been so very long after all? I do not think I like the change.

  She didn't remove her hand in spite of the words, so I didn't think she minded all that much. "This is Christophe Venderi. He's one of StarTech's leading men. Christophe, this is Ashnahta, Primary to the Throne of the Qitani of Laak'sa." It didn't realize what I'd said until it was out. Her title. It's how she herself trained me to introduce her. As soon as it was out I could feel the flood of pain in her. I looked at her. The sadness in her eyes was almost my undoing.

  Christophe did not pick up on the private feelings and welcomed her. He said something to me, but I was too busy trying to figure things out.

  He is speaking to you.

  Why did you jump?

  Answer to your primary, Jacob. You are rude.

  She closed off any answer to that question. "I'm sorry, what did you say Christophe?"

  He looked at me a long moment before standing. "I said that it must have been a terrible journey and I assume that the Primary to the Throne would like to rest. I will excuse myself and allow you two old friends to catch up." On the way by, he hit the tint button on the window to give us privacy. I could have hugged him.

  "My throat burns like cooking embers," she said out loud in Qitani when we were alone. Her voice sounded raspy and very deep, like she sounded the time she was allowed on the Condor. The extra oxygen changed the way her vocal cords worked. I got her a glass of water and she made a face. "It does not smell right."

  "It's not marsh water, that's for sure," I answered in English. If she was going to stay on Utopia, she might as well learn what it's really like to be the odd man out. Mean? Nah. Just some friendly table turning. Besides, she might not deign to speak it herself, but she damn well knew what the words meant. "It's clean and cold, though. Drink it."

  She pushed herself up. She looked absolutely ridiculous in the human hospital gown. Her
eyes narrowed and she dared me to laugh. She took a long drink of the water. "It has no flavor. What is the point?" I put the cup back on a table and then we just sat and looked at each other. "It is heavy here," she said eventually.

  "Yes."

  "Is that why your arms have gotten large?"

  "Yes. Apparently big muscles are an attraction on Earth." I posed, flexing. "What do you think?"

  "It is ridiculous. You do not need those lumps."

  I laughed. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. You'll get used to the different gravity. It'll get easier once you start eating. I know you're hungry."

  "Do not pretend to know my every thought just because you...you..."

  She was flustered. I didn't know why. Something got her worked up. I smiled. "I don't. I just know that trip and what that jump does to you. Did it myself, you know. A little food, a little time, a few dozen heavy workouts in the conditioning room and you, too, could be this buff and tough!"

  "You make jokes."

  I grinned. "Yes."

  "I did not come here for you to make such jokes!"

  Then why did you come?What happened? How did you get here? I didn't mean to grill her. I couldn't help it. She's so much better at inspeaking, at controlling the emotions.

  Do not.

  It was such a stark command that I obeyed.

  She sat back on the bed and tried to arrange her blankets, but the tubing for the IVs was holding her arms back. "What is all of this...this..." She was tugging at the tubes going in her arms.

  "Our way of medicine," I explained, following her change of subject. "Don't tug on it. It's giving nutrients to your blood."

  She looked shocked. "It is into my core?"

  "Yes, but only..."

  Remove it!

  She was panicking again. "It's okay, it's nothing bad." They did not have intravenous medicine on Laak'sa. It was one of those gaps in knowledge that confused our crew. They had excellent pills and even surgeries. On the whole, though, their medical knowledge was very primitive. Mother believed it was another product of their naturally short lifespans, that they had an attitude of why bother with the effort when natural death was so close anyway, or something like that.

  Ashnahta began clawing at the IVs. "Remove them!" she screamed. "Get them out of me! Out!"

  I jumped up and put my hands over hers. A few drops of the blood so deeply red it was almost brown trickled out from under the tubing. I felt her fear at the sight as if it was my own. Maybe it was my own. I calmed her, with words inside and my hands outside. I had seen this done thousands of times. I knew how to remove the tubes. "You'll hurt yourself if you do it like that," I said out loud.

  Get them out.

  I opened a supply drawer in the cabinet near the bed. There were swabs and bandages and I took out a couple. "No one was trying to hurt you," I explained. "You couldn't eat or drink."

  "Do not tell lies to me. That is not food."

  I had to laugh at her tone. I gently held her arm when she flinched until she relaxed enough for me to slide the IVs out and quickly bandage the holes. "No, not exactly. It's the vitamins and nutrients found in food, all taken out and put in water. It feeds you when you can't feed yourself." I patted the bandages in place and smiled at her. "But you're awake now and can eat for yourself so we don't need this anymore, do we?"

  "I do not think I shall want anything put in my self again." The tone was regal, the eyes were scared.

  I wondered...was that how I had looked to her all those years on Laak'sa? Eager, but scared. Willing, but scared. Trying my hardest, but scared...

  You have reached your manhood I believe.

  The thought hit me out of the blue. It took me a second to respond, and when I did, it was with laughter. "No, not even close."

  You tell me more lies.

  I shook my head. "Not even close," I repeated. "Here, I'm still very much considered a child."

  She balked. "You walk like a man and talk like a man and think like a man."

  "And for a couple more years, that doesn't matter."

  She looked right through me then. That's what it felt like. She'd done it since we met all those years ago. It was one of her most annoying habits, to tell you the truth. If I took off all my clothes and stood in the middle of one of the great storms off the Gukki Sea, I could not have felt more naked or exposed. Only this time, it was different. This time, it was a different kind of nakedness, a different kind of assessment, and I felt my face burn with embarrassment. "Do you want me to remove those bioreceptors?" I said quickly to change the subject. It worked. I felt her bold searching pull back into herself.

  Ashnahta glanced down at the bioreceptors stuck all over her. She knew what those were. Mother and the other squints talked Morhal in to allowing them to take basic bio readouts. She gave a quick nod, then held her arms out in permission. Still the Primary in training, even away from her throne.

  I began to remove the pads. "They sure used enough of them, eh?" She gave me the bored look, as if all of this was beneath her. The docs and bots had used a ridiculous amount. The pads were stuck everywhere. I started on the ones at her temples, then moved down her neck. I had her lean forward and unstuck the ones across the top of her back.

  "Do not forget my legs. Those itch." She tugged the blanket free and I got the ones off her feet, ankles, and knees.

  "Jeez, they must have been recording every single muscle twitch!" I wadded up the sticky pads in my hand and put them on a tray. "There. I think that's all."

  "Then you are bad at this job you take on." She moved the blanket and slipped her arms out of her gown and sat naked before me. There were pads stuck to her chest and her belly. She held her arms out and sighed impatiently. "Well?"

  On Laak'sa, the clothing all the Qitani wore was token, at best. Their woven metal garments were very protective against the rains. Even the wind driven afternoon raindrops slid right off. The clothing provided the protection they needed, but the metallic fiber strands were so thin they offered no concealment. None. They couldn't. The tropical climate was hot and sultry. They couldn't cover themselves up too much or else the heat would have suffocated them. And on Laak'sa, having been around it when I was still really a child, it never mattered.

  I swallowed hard. Here, it matters.

  Had I been away that long? Or had I just started to grow up?

  Your face is red. Is there an illness?

  I reached over and tugged off the bioreceptors as quickly as I could, then pulled the gown back up her arms. She went to pull it back off, but I told her to keep it on.

  "It tickles the skin."

  Leave it, I ordered.

  Do not tell me...

  "It's the custom," I said. "Leave it."

  She sighed heavily. "I should have my own tun'ti. Bring it."

  "I don't know where it is. Besides, this will be much more comfortable..."

  You have embarrassment, Jacob. There was a deep amusement in her eyes as soon as she figured it out. It made my "having embarrassment" even worse.

  I gave an impatient sigh. "Would you just leave that on? Please. It's just what we...what they do around here."

  "Is it a danger not to?"

  I couldn't lie to her. No, I mean that. I legitimately could not lie. I learned that one early on, even before I knew about inspeaking. She would poke and prod until she felt the truth and then rage with all her royal fury that I would dare even attempt to conceal the truth. I learned that lesson, and learned it well! So, I couldn't lie. But I could choose which part of the truth to tell her. "Your skin can burn from the sun."

  "Sun?"

  "The star."

  "It burns?"

  "It can." I pointed to my own face. "I got a little burnt myself the other day."

  She squinted. "It hurts?"

  I was going to shake my head but then nodded. "Oh, yes. So keep covered."

  She wasn't buying it. But her eyes were starting to droop, so she accepted it for the time being.
I knew that would not be the last. She would want a real explanation.

  It is heavy here. Even in her exhaustion, her thoughts were clearly sent.

  Yes.

  And so much to learn.

  You have no idea.

  I tire.

  Sleep.

  Will you be here?

  Yes.

  I shall forget your name always if you are not.

  I smiled at her and took her hand.

  You keep touching me.

  I could feel the question in her. She was uncertain. It was an unusual emotion to feel from someone who was used to ordering around an entire population. "Yes. I keep touching you. Now go to sleep."

  I do not want sleep. I have been asleep for too long. She tried to protest but in seconds she was out.

  I stared at her sleeping form. She was wrapped in cotton, where she should have been dressed in the finest woven metals. She was not wearing the jeweled circlet of her people. I'd never seen her hair unbound by it, free and rather short and all crazy over the pillow. Her ears had never seemed pointy before. Now I could see they were a bit smaller than ours, with a definite peak at the top. Her hand was smaller than mine. Small and very soft. The hands of a princess. And green.

  I hated that I was noticing differences that had never mattered before. And I hated that it might matter now, at least on some level.

  Green. On Laak'sa, it fit. The very air seemed to have a green quality to it on the tropical planet. She did not seem out of place there, we did. We were the pale pink and cocoa brown anomalies in the green world. We were the ones that saw our own differences instead of theirs. It was their home. Their land. And even more than humans, they were truly part of it.

  Green skin. Paler than it should be, but definitely green toned skin. Blue hair. In the low light in the room, it almost looked black. Anyone glancing in would think it was, in fact. But I knew as soon as we were in full light, it would almost glow with the deep blue hue. Probably even more striking in the natural sunlight on Utopia, with the pulsing red of the rocks contrasting. And the bright blue gems in her chest would sparkle and shine and announce her place.

  My own chest tightened. Her place in another world.

  Her nose. I'd never noticed before how flat it is. Not wide, just flat, almost as if you took my nose and smooshed it in a little. Her cheekbones are high. Her eyes are larger than ours. There's a sprinkling of darker green freckles across her nose and cheeks, and her lips are almost a blue they're so deep.

  I felt bad for staring. It wasn't fair to do to her, not someone so high, so important, so royal with all the things that means. Fair or not, it didn't stop me. Had she ever looked at me like this? Done this unfair assessment? How many naps had I taken in the rafts while we were out exploring for hours on end...she must have. Did she worry about me with her people then, too?

  Sitting there, trying to assess how other people would see her, I suddenly became aware of just how terrified I really was. I knew how they treated me, and at least I shared biology with everyone else. What would they do to her?

  I wished she would talk about why she came. I tried, but even in her sleep she had it all locked away tight in recesses of her mind I couldn't reach. Even in her sleep, she guarded the answers with her very life. I reached out and moved her hair off her face. At the touch, she fluttered a little, but settled quickly. Was it her choice to come? Either it was or it wasn't. Either she chose to come, or they made her. Either they exiled her completely, or she chose to exile herself.

  I meant what I said to Christophe earlier. I just could not imagine that Morhal would sentence her to an exile so complete. While I'm not an expert in the history of the Qitan, I got a pretty good sense of things not only from my HuTA, but my own observances. She was the primary to the throne. No matter what she did or said, that had never changed. I'd seen her defy laws and rules, and get little more than a scolding from Ta'al; offenses that would have gotten others, even her sisters, executed. The very fact that I was never even flogged under her protection spoke of the power she truly had. Often, she even got a look of approval from Morhal, a small nod of pride from one primary to her successor. I can't think of anything she could have possibly done or said to change her status so completely.

  The more I thought, the more sure I was. She chose it. Why?

  Why!?

  There was no answer. As before, my question simply echoed back to me after it bounced on the firmly closed part of her mind I was never allowed to reach. Was Christophe right, then? Did she really come for me? Did she chose the hell she was about to face?

  A weight like no other settled on me. Did she really do this for me?

  I never felt so guilty in all my life.