A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 17

  I sat rubbing my aching head and drinking a coffee. Yes. Coffee. It's nasty stuff, but Christophe was right. It does the trick. The Bradley bot had offered me something for the headache, different medicines he assured me would cure whatever caused it. It made me laugh. It made me give a sad, tired laugh.

  Ashnahta was three rooms away in the full body scanner. Three rooms away didn't quiet the internal yelling, the constant cursing, and the angered vexation of the entire human race. I begged her to be quiet and just do as they asked. She called me every name in the book, and she had a very big book.

  Is it hurting you?I demanded.

  It is an injustice! An indecency! They should be flogged with a...

  Is it hurting you?

  No answer, and I smiled into my mug. Silence. Blissful silence. Oh, I could close her off if I really wanted to. I could make the roar a dull thud, at the very least. I just didn't have it in me to do that to her. Her ranting and raving and silent yelling was only because she was scared. Scared, hurting, alone... I wouldn't close her off. But, I could make her zip it from time to time.

  They're just trying to help, I offered. No response, but I could feel the temper ease.

  "It's highly unnerving, you know," said Christophe. His voice made me jump. I forgot he was at the table with me.

  "What's unnerving?"

  "This inspeaking. I can tell when you are doing it. One might call it rude."

  "Sorry."

  "And now you're lying." He put his holo on the table and sat straighter. "They're getting here today."

  They. Them. My people. My team. Ralph and Lynette and even Jillian. Dr. Karl would arrive next week. He was older and even the three day transport took a toll. He insisted on giving me a full physical personally. In all honesty, I think he just wanted to meet Ashnahta. "Oh," was all I could think of to say. I didn't really know how to feel about that. When I ran, I knew they'd follow me back eventually. My goal wasn't to run from them so much as to her. I thought. Now, the idea of seeing all of them again was...confusing. I wanted to. I was eager to introduce Ashnahta to the rest. I wanted them to see her through my eyes, to see such a large part of my life that I missed and...loved. I wanted to share this with them all.

  And yet, I didn't.

  "It must be hard, the blending of two lives."

  At least I had Christophe. He was angry with me. Deeply, truly, and justifiably angry. Even though he would be for a long time to come, at least he understood. "I...yeah."

  "I am going to share a little advice with you, as I feel you sorely need it." I looked at him and waited. "Take your lumps, as they say. You've earned them. Don't inspeak."

  "I can't..."

  He held up a hand to stop me. "I'm just giving you advice. If you choose not to listen, that's your prerogative." I shut up and listened. "I find the concept fascinating. I have sometimes almost felt..." He looked embarrassed. Out of the blue, the great, calm, always composed Christophe looked embarrassed. Interesting. He cleared his throat. "I am open to the concept. That is what I'm trying to say. Others, however, will view it as some secret gift between to intimate friends."

  I had to laugh. "I guess that's what it is."

  "And other friends do not like being left out of the secret."

  Ah.

  "Try not to. Or, if you must, try to be as discreet about it as possible." I opened my mouth to object, to tell him that some things couldn't be controlled. "Just try. For yourself."

  I could see his point after thinking about it for awhile. "Anything else?"

  "Yes. Bradley would appreciate it if you'd stop telling him how to do his job. And I agree."

  Now that one was really unfair. "No." Christophe quirked an eyebrow. "If he's going to do things...well...wrong..."

  "He's not doing anything 'wrong', Jacob. He is a bot, and with excellent programming."

  "For a human. Not for a Qitan. The anatomy is totally different."

  He was amused. I could see him fighting a smile. "I am informed that it is actually remarkably similar. At least in ways that matter." Was he picking on me? Joking? I couldn't tell. "I understand what you are saying, but perhaps you should consider a way to approach it more delicately."

  I snorted. "He's a bot. By the very definition, I can't offend him."

  "He's a dopple-bot, and even if the feelings are synthesized based upon the programmed personality, they are nevertheless an encumbrance to this process. We can't proceed with him in the corner playing out the sulking program commands."

  I sighed. "Fine. I'll try not to hurt the bot's artificial feelings. But if he'd listen to me, it would go a lot faster. She's getting more than a little tired of it."

  He shrugged his shoulder. "If I had to guess, I'd say she's no more tired of it than your parents are." It felt somehow like a low blow. Honest, maybe. But a low blow anyway. "At least we have an end to our plans."

  I sat back. I had intentionally been avoiding that very question the last three days. I wanted to know, and I didn't. I wanted to ask, but childish fear kept me quiet. "What...what's the plan?"

  He was honest. I appreciate that at least. "I don't know. We haven't formulated one."

  "Then how can you say she won't be as much your prisoner as my parents are theirs?" There. It was out. I said it. My fear, hers.

  He took a long time answering. With most people, that's a bad sign. But Christophe was precise, exact. I knew he didn't want to promise anything, but I also knew he wanted to set my mind at ease. Our minds. "Analysis of the data is needed before we can make a plan. How do we even know if she can survive unassisted in our environment? I, for one, would not allow her to go to Earth if it will kill her. And you can take that on every level I mean. I can assure you, though, that I have no intention to allow her to become our prisoner. She may have constraints out of necessity. But we have finally, finally proven that there is life. Not only life, but life so remarkably similar to ours that it...it...well it boggles the mind. And that should be honored, not imprisoned." He was saying exactly what he felt about Mother and Dad's capture without actually saying it. The Christophe way. In a text, the words were nothing but a promise of a fair and open life for a new resident. In actuality, they screamed of his anger and frustration that the other race involved was not at that level.

  It surprised me. Christophe was a man of science at heart. He spent as much free time as possible looking over the data Bradley gathered, giving his own opinions, forming complex hypotheses. He was also a man of practicality. I had no doubt he ran through the scenario for himself and decided what would his own call would have been if the tables were turned. Surely he could see the necessity to keep the potential threat from becoming an actual threat. I had more reason to rail against the course the Qitani took than anyone else, and even I could admit their plan was the best for their people. It was odd to me that Christophe saw it differently.

  Did that make him more human, or less?

  His holo beeped. "They will land within an hour," he said after he glanced at it. He stood. "I must get my team ready to greet them."

  I felt a lump of panic rising in my throat. "Christophe?"

  He paused at the door. "It will work out fine, Jacob."

  He turned and left. I took a deep breath and told myself he was right. It would work out fine. Now, if only I could get myself to actually believe the words...

  I swigged down the rest of my coffee and headed out of the station to wait in Ashnahta's room. Her bed was a mess. The nurses were under strict instructions not to do any housekeeping at all. That was part of my punishment. I got the fresh bedding from the cupboard and stripped out the old. Like yesterday, there was a fine, green powder over the used sheets.

  "She's shedding," the Bradley bot had told me when I brought it to his attention.

  "She's not a dog," I said, getting offended.

  "We all do it, Jacob. We lose old cells for new. She has just come through a biologically traumatic ordeal. I woul
d not be surprised to see an extra level of hair loss." He got a blank look, the one any bot gets when they're processing data. "Actually, perhaps it is normal. The mesh clothing she wore would have excellent exfoliating properties. Perhaps it is necessary for their species." He blanked again for a millisecond. "Yes. I shall examine that hypothesis further and we shall have our answer."

  I rolled up the dirty linens and put them in the container that would send them down the chute to the chemical baths that would clean and sanitize them. I sprayed the bed with the disinfectant I was instructed to use, even though Ashnahta hated the smell. I flapped at the bed to get as much of the odor away as possible, then put the clean sheets on. Next were the few dishes on the table. I took them out and across the hall to the little kitchen area all the doctors, scientists, nurses, and guards on this closed ward used and slid them into the racking. I pressed the button and held it while the lid dropped over the whole thing and the high pressured air hissed. The light turned green, and I pressed the next button to spray the disinfectant. When that turned green as well, I released the latch and put the clean dishes back in the cupboard.

  I went back in the room with the mop the service bots usually used. Not that there was any dirt. There never was any dirt in this unit. But I mopped for germs. Once that was done, I ran the disinfecting cloths over every surface Ashnahta would touch. Since Bradley hadn't figured out what her immune system was susceptible to yet, it was safest just to protect from everything.

  Everyone but me wore a mask. And I didn't only because Ashnahta had thrown an absolute fit and screamed at them in Qitani when they tried to make me. Bradley was furious, because I could have picked up anything on Earth. Christophe pointed out that it was far too late for that to matter. If I carried any germs, I would have already exposed the entire ward.

  The bots even wore masks. I thought that was inane, since they can't get sick. "Any germs will die in them in seconds!" Christophe tried to explain that as a dopple, Bradley was still half convinced he was a human and not doing as the other humans did was unheard of. I had sighed and rolled my eyes. It's so stupid. And such a little thing that I guess it doesn't matter. But my god, I have never met such a temperamental bot! It made me hate bots all the more.

  I checked the clock. They would land soon. I sat down, then couldn't stand the feeling, so I stood back up. I paced. I checked the clock again.

  Ashnahta was rolled in. They insisted on using a chair for her, even though they were also trying to encourage her to walk more. She was glaring at me without a single thought coming through. She was mad at me for asking her to be quiet. I sighed and lifted her up and out of the chair, then placed her gently into her bed. She had already forbade the nurses from doing that themselves.

  "See? That didn't hurt a bit." I pulled the fresh blanket up over her legs and she wrinkled her nose and sniffed. I glanced up, but she was still simply glaring at me. "And I think that's all for today, isn't it nurse?"

  "Aside from afternoon conditioning, yes." The nurse gave a nod, then turned and left.

  I sat next to her in my usual chair. "So how was it?" Narrower eyes was my only answer. "Well, I've had them myself dozens of times and I know for a fact it wasn't that bad. Glare at me if you want. All of this is to help you."

  "I do not need help."

  "So you can speak!" I grinned at her in spite of the flood of venom I felt when she opened up and let me have it full force. "I thought we'd have a silent afternoon."

  "Is that not exactly what you want? You should be happy for all of your days if I did not speak another word."

  I sighed. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But you've got to admit, you've done a lot of complaining."

  She made an offended look, but inside I felt the insecurity. I touched her hand. She snatched it away quickly, but in less than a second put it back. The Qitani have very little physical contact. It's a new experience for her and I find it highly amusing that with one touch, I can get her flustered.

  "You would complain."

  She was seeking reassurance. I laughed. "Oh yes, yes I would. And did. They haven't really done anything to you they didn't do to me, you know. And I bitched and moaned just as much."

  Then you are a hypocrite.

  I grinned. "Yep."

  She scoffed and tugged her hand, just a little. "I am hungry."

  Good. Very, very good. She was starting to respond how I hoped. Through trial and error, we were testing the available foods. I chose the ones I liked first, as they tended to be close to the Qitani diet. Lots of green vegetables, or what passed for green vegetables on Utopia after they had been highly processed in order to last for years. Those were okay by her. She enjoyed the protein mash. I remembered that her people did eat meat when they were desperate or broke or sick or old. If she liked it, she needed it. We were starting to formulate for her an acceptable diet. It would take weeks to be sure, but so far we thought we were doing fairly well.

  "I'll get you something to try. Today I've got for you...fruit." I went out to the kitchen and opened the little cooler. There was the fruit I had ordered earlier. It had been dehydrated then rehydrated, of course, but it didn't look too bad. I brought it back in and handed her the plate. "Today we're trying pears, peaches, pineapples, and grapes. I think. They look like grapes."

  She took the plate and looked the food over. She always did that. Looked at it like she was half certain that it would jump up and bite her instead of the other way around. I sat down and waited in anticipation. There was not much sugar in the plants of Laak'sa. Vegetation like you wouldn't believe. So many vegetables I couldn't possibly remember their names. But hardly any fruit. She took a small square of pear and put it in her mouth. She was trained her whole life to not show emotions. She was trained to almost not have any but anger, in fact. She couldn't hide her reaction from me, not inside. She liked it. A lot. She quickly ate another, then another. She then tried a peach and in an instant, it was spat across the room.

  I couldn't help but laugh. "No peaches. I'll remember that."

  What will be the conditioning today?

  Another handy thing about inspeaking; you can talk and eat at the same time. "I'm not sure." It was time to tell her. "Um, we're going to have some visitors today." She looked up quickly at me. She knew what that meant, who that meant. I could tell she'd been prying. I sighed. "Seriously? I can't have anything to just myself?"

  She pushed her food aside and refused to feel the least bit sorry for prying. "I do not want to meet your strangers."

  "You already know Ralph. He's not a stranger.

  "I am too tired."

  I gave a snort. In truth, she was bouncing back far faster than I had. "They're landing about now."

  I'm not presentable. I refuse.

  The quick panic again. "You are presentable. And I'm afraid we have no choice."

  Not today. Not yet.

  My feelings mimicked hers so exactly. Anything I could say would be pointless. She knew I felt just as she did. I was not going to get her to budge. That was clear. "Fine." Coward. Her eyes burned but she said nothing. "But I have to. At least Ralph. I've got to take my lumps like Christophe says."

  What does it mean?

  I shrugged. "I have to take what's coming to me."

  Fear again. "Will you be killed then?" Her voice was clear and controlled. It struck me then how much she's like Christophe. No wonder she believed he was the primary here. Actually, from her point of view, he really was.

  "No. I won't be killed. It's not legal here, not for me running away at least."

  "My mothers would..." her voice trailed off and she looked away. She also slammed her internal door closed. "It is a weak tribe you are in." She said the standard line she had always used when she could not understand one of our ways or customs.

  I shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Guilt is a burden you carry forever. Death is simply final and no more feeling. What's worse, really?"

  We sat in silence. I waited to be ca
lled to Ralph. She closed me off and pointedly ignored me. After a few minutes she began picking at the fruit again. The pears were the only winner. Everything else got spat out, except the possible grapes, which she wouldn't even try. Pears. I added them to the list in my head. When she was done, I cleaned up what she had spit out and took the plate across the hall to clean. She was sleeping when I got back. I pulled the blanket up over her and in spite of her initial revulsion at the feel of the material, she nestled deeper and looked peaceful.

  The only time I had peace. I smiled. I really didn't mind that. Not at all. It was far better than the months of lonely silence. I turned the lights lower and left the room. I got another cup of coffee and then sat and waited.

  When they finally arrived, the first thing I noticed was that Ralph looked older. It was silly, since it had only been a few days. But he did. He truly did. He hadn't shaved. Or brushed his hair. Or done anything to take care of himself, by the looks of things. He looked older from fear.

  I stood up and wanted to say how sorry I was. I couldn't. I just couldn't get the words out. He looked older, yes. He was tired, yes. He'd been through a lot and it was my fault, absolutely. But I was sad and angry, too. I had been through a lot, too. He let me down just as much. He seemed to know it, too. He stood in the entryway to the stations and just looked at me as unable to get his own words out either.

  Christophe cleared his throat. "Well. I'll leave you two alone." He handed Ralph a pass key. "A new key. It will only work on this ward. You'll still need your old one for the rest of Utopia. Your things will be brought to the suite you were in before we left for Earth. And I imagine that Bradley will want a work up done to give to Dr. Dresche when he returns."

  "Yeah. I'll check in with him later. This shouldn't take long." He was twisting the StarTech cap in his hands.

  "Excellent. I hope to dine with you this evening. We have a few items to discuss." Christophe gave me a pointed look, then turned and left the ward. The door down the hall swished closed behind him.

  "That coffee I smell?" As far as breaking the ice goes, it wasn't that bad of a line. I walked to the pot and got him a cup. I put in three sugars and the powdered milk he liked and brought it to him. He sat at the table and raised an eyebrow when I poured another for myself. "Since when do you drink coffee?"

  It annoyed me. "Since I'm too busy to keep my eyes open."

  "I wasn't saying..." he started, then swore. "God I'm tired."

  I sat down and stared at my coffee.

  He took a long sip of his own and then stared just as intently at it. We were right back to having too much to say to get any of it out.

  "I'm sorry," I said when I couldn't take the silence.

  "No you're not."

  Blunt and honest. "I'm sorry for how I did it," I said with equal honesty. "I didn't want to worry anyone."

  "You could have told me," he said.

  I snorted. "Yeah? Really? Because you didn't even bother to tell me she was here. I had to find out from a stupid message that you wouldn't have told me about either!"

  "Jake."

  "No!" I couldn't help the anger. I tried to check it, I really did. I wasn't a saint in any of this. But I also had to get it out. "Why didn't you tell me, Ralph? Why?" He said nothing. "Do you even know what these months have been like for me? Everything, every single thing I knew was gone. Taken away. I was kicked out of my home."

  "It wasn't like that. No one kicked you out..."

  "And how would I know that?" I blew up. "Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. All I knew was that out of the blue my folks were throwing me, literally throwing me, out of fricken galaxy. Not just making me grow up and get my own house. They sent me to another galaxy." I felt all the angry tears build up. I was beyond caring how much of a child that made me sound like. "Can you imagine how that feels? It was awful. Horrible." I swiped at the tears. "It was the worst thing I ever felt until I found out why. And then the worst thing I ever felt was that you...you didn't even bother telling me any of it. You just let me think Dad threw me away. And then...if that's not bad enough...then I find out that she's here. You know how much I...I..."

  "Love her?"

  Did I? Was that what it was? "I don't know. Maybe."

  He shook his head and put up a hand. "My turn, kid, so just listen. Yes, I should have told you. But you can't honestly tell me you were mature enough to handle it. Hell, as it was you were ready to get right back up there and sign your whole life away, let them put you in their jail and be their..." Once again he didn't finish the same thought he started before. "I won't continue to apologize for that. We made the right call, Jake, and I've already explained and if you plan on holding it against me my whole life, well...I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it."

  I wouldn't hold it against him for his whole life. He knew that. And to be honest, it was a low move of me to once again throw it in his face.

  "But as far as she goes..." His voice softened. "That's another story." He leaned back in his chair and all the fight was gone. He just looked old and tired. "Hell Jake. What was I supposed to do? We got word last week. She was barely alive. They were all certain she'd die. They thought we should keep it quiet until we knew something more and I... That's why we got the trip to Montana when we did. You were already so close to snapping and I thought...I thought it would just push you over the edge and...and..." He swore again and sat quietly rolling his cup back and forth in his hands.

  I didn't know how to answer, or if I should. He should have told me. "In my shoes, you'd have wanted to know."

  He gave a small laugh. "Hell yes I would. But I'm not in your shoes, kid. I'm in your father's shoes and I'll be damned if I can figure out how to fill them." He looked at me and I could feel the sincerity in his gaze. "If I was your buddy, or even still just your Uncle Ralph, then I not only woulda told you in a hot second, I'd have the X3 gassed and ready to go. But I'm not. I can't be. You're a lotta fun, and you look so much like him it's hard to remember sometimes that you're not Lance. You're Jake. And the second I swore to your father I'd look after you, I took over his place. Would he have let you come running to her? I wrestled with that over and over after I heard. My buddy Lance would have. Your father Lance, though...no. He wouldn't have."

  I wanted to object, but found that I couldn't. He was being honest with me and I owed that much in return. No. Dad would not have let me know about Ashnahta unless it became necessary. Maybe not even if she lived. It took a lot of thinking and a hefty amount of traitorous guilt to admit, but Dad did not really like how close I was with Ashnahta. He liked that I was accepted. He liked that I interacted with the others. But the closer I got with her in particular, the more he'd try and talk me out of it. "She'll die and you'll still be a young man with nothing left." Dad had said it and he meant it. Ralph was right. As crummy as it felt, he was right. Dad would have given me every distraction he could think of to keep me away.

  "And I'm sure you wouldn't go against StarTech orders," I said nastily. Hey, I said I did the deep thinking later. After. When I had time to cool down enough to feel like an ass. In the moment, I was a hurt kid who was lashing out.

  "If you think orders had anything to do with it, then you don't know me very well at all. I didn't keep it to myself because of what Reggie said. Hell, there's a reason he doesn't put me in front of the cameras very much, ya know. They feed me, they pay me, sure. But when push came to shove, I helped make sure you were alive, didn't I? And abandoned my lifetime mission to keep you that way. You're mad. I get it. I don't even blame you. I'd be ripped, too." He gave a laugh at my look. "I was young once. I had parents. But don't be mad at the wrong thing, Jake. I made a parenting call you didn't like. It might even have been the wrong one. Who knows? But I'd always put you above anything StarTech says. Always." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Can we just...can we admit that we both screwed up and leave it at that?"

  I sat for a few minutes absorbing what he said. "I am sorry I worried
you," I said quietly.

  He nodded. "I know. You're a good kid, Jacob. I know you didn't mean to take years off my life." He gave a slow smile, and the air suddenly felt lighter. Things were better. "You crazy son of a...if we ever hear from your folks again, let's leave out the part where you did that jump without gas. I can't believe you walked out of there alive."

  I felt extremely proud. "It wasn't that bad." Okay, that was a total, flat out lie. But I earned it. I earned a little bragging. "Not much worse than a wormhole."

  He snorted knowing I was full of it. "Now don't get a swelled head over it. Dumbest thing you've ever done. Hands down."

  I grinned back. "I think you mean bravest thing."

  He shook his head and stood. "Fine line, kiddo. It's a fine but important line." He stood for a second and seemed to be considering something. He stuck his hand out, and when I shook hit, he pulled me into a hug. "I suck at this parent thing, but by god am I glad you're safe." It was uncomfortable and yet exactly what I needed at the same time. He pulled away and turned quickly. "She in there?" His voice was tight.

  So was mine. "Yep."

  He walked across the hall and looked into the room where Ashnahta was sleeping. I stood next to him and we said nothing for a long time. "She looks so small here, doesn't she?" he finally said, breaking the silence. "You know, when we first laid eyes on them, I was scared out of my wits. We all were. Hell, maybe even back then we knew what it could mean."

  The thought that they were anything but excitement never occurred to me. As a child watching their star shine between the towers of their castle that first day, the first contact, all of the adults seemed only to share in the thrilling adventure. "I had no idea you guys were scared."

  He laughed and tapped me on the arm with his cap. "Then we did something right, anyway." He put the cap on his head. "I'm wiped." He nodded toward the window. "Don't you kill yourself making her better, you hear?" I nodded. "I'll be back down tomorrow. There's a little matter of punishment we didn't talk about."

  "I'm already on punishment."

  "By the boss. Now you've got mine coming." As a parent. There would be no more question about his role in my life, we'd somehow settled that. And accepted it. He broke out in a grin. "I've never gotten to dish out a punishment before. I'll have to think long and hard about it. I wouldn't want to shirk my duties, you understand." He had a twinkle in his eye and I suddenly felt the huge weight lift.

  "Would you believe I already learned my lesson and will never do it again?" I asked hopefully.

  "Nope. Not until my shoes are all shiny. And my laundry is done." He started walking down the hallway, calling out the list as it came to him. "And I've got some official reports to file that have been collecting dust. Oh, and there's..." the door closed behind him and the hall was silent. I waited a minute to be sure he wouldn't hear me, then laughed. I couldn't help it. I had a lot to think about. I had a lot to settle for myself. But we were back on familiar footing and the enormous weight on my shoulders was gone.

  I wish Lynette's visit went as well. She waited a full day before she came to see me. It was late in the day, during Ashnahta's evening nap after her afternoon conditioning and I was shining Ralph's shoes. I half thought he'd been kidding about that. He wasn't.

  The door opened and she walked in, looking around.

  "Over here," I said.

  She jumped at my voice, then got that angry, determined look and marched over. "Christophe let me know this would be a good time to come see you."

  I stopped running the brush over the shoes, glad for the distraction. The brush was designed for use by a housekeeping drone and I couldn't seem to get a solid hold on it. Add the slippery paste, and it was an exercise in frustration. I couldn't believe people used to do that every single day for themselves. I placed them on the table and wiped my hands on a towel. "It's a great time." I tried a smile. No good. I cleared my throat and pointed to a chair. "Can I get you a coffee?"

  She crossed her arms over her chest. "This isn't some friendly tea party, Jacob." The bitterness was unmistakable, and for some reason it annoyed me. I knew she'd be mad, but the level of anger was surprising.

  "Are you going to sit?"

  She snatched the back of the chair and pulled it to her rather than get any closer to me. She sat heavily, her arms still crossed. "I saw Marlon."

  "How is he?" I already knew from Ralph, and Christophe. And from Marlon himself on my holo he hacked, but I'd be damned if I'd let anyone know that.

  Lynette scoffed. "Like you care at all about that."

  "Look, Lynette..."

  She jumped back up, knocking her chair over. "How could you do that to him, Jake? How could you drag him into it all? You know how close they are to kicking his ass right out of here."

  The insinuation that I somehow forced Marlon to do anything made me laugh. It was a bad move. Her eyes burned with anger. "I didn't make him do anything. You know Marlon."

  "You paid him, didn't you?" I said nothing, not knowing how much Marlon would want me to say. She gave a disgusted scoff. "I knew it. I knew it! Money. You dangled a bit of money in front of someone who was so poor his whole life and..."

  "That's not how it happened." I jumped up and pointed my finger in my own defense. I wanted to keep my own anger out of my voice but was finding it hard. That she could think that I used money to push him around...

  "Then how did it happen, huh? Because I know the both of you pretty well and that's the only thing that makes sense." She began ticking her theory off on her fingers. "First off, he's not your friend, so any lie you're going to tell me about turning to a buddy in your time of need won't get you very far. Second, he's selfish, so selfish that he's not going to volunteer for anything that doesn't have a big, fat payoff just for Marlon. Third..."

  This could have gone on all day. I grabbed her hand to get her attention and she quickly pulled it away. I sighed. "I didn't go to him with a job offer or anything like that. I asked him to help me figure things out."

  "So you didn't pay him, is that what you're saying? Because that grin he's wearing makes you a flat out liar."

  "I did pay him. Actually, he paid himself. Hacked into my account and just took the money."

  Her eyes narrowed. "Are you calling my brother a thief?"

  What? Where did that come from? "No, I'm fine with him taking it. But I..." Things were not going as I expected. "Look, can we just sit down?" I bent down and picked up her chair, putting it next to the table again. I took my own seat and waited. After a second she sat down, on the edge, straight as a board and still glaring at me. "I did not at all ever call Marlon a thief. He helped me, I...thanked him for it. A gift to a...a...friend, I guess."

  She gave a little scoff. "I'm supposed to be your friend, not Marlon."

  Ah, the crux. Her eyes weren't angry any longer, they were hurt.

  "Why didn't you come to me, Jake?"

  Because you spent the last couple months in some party haze and were already doing a good enough job of screwing up your place with StarTech and I wasn't going to make it worse. That's what I wanted to say. Fortunately, I didn't. "Look at Marlon. Look where he is. You think I wanted you in there?"

  "They wouldn't have arrested me." She was so sure, but I wasn't and quirked an eyebrow. "Probably wouldn't have. You still should have told me," she said quickly.

  "Would you have let me do it?"

  "Yes," she lied. I knew it was a lie. I could see it in her eyes. Now, after the fact, she'd go back in time in her mind and play out a scenario where she'd be the hero to me, not Marlon. I knew, though. It was like an icy cold slap in the face. She would have gone to Ralph, or Christophe, or, most likely, Reginald.

  I didn't blame her. She worked for StarTech. More than that; they raised her. They rescued her from her horrible home and miserable life and raised her as their own. She would always give her loyalty to them above anyone else, perhaps even Marlon. I admired that on one level. And it put a pit in my stoma
ch when I thought about it on another. She would never really be my friend, or anything more. I was a job. I was the mission. I didn't know if she even understood that herself. The hurt in her eyes told me she didn't then. I wonder if she ever figured it out?

  Life had gotten complicated. I missed my little tin can in outer space.

  "You could have at least told me you were going."

  No, Lynnie. I couldn't. "There wasn't time," I said, going along with the version of the truth she wanted.

  "Alistair was very worried. We all were."

  "I'm sorry I worried you."

  "And no gas? Honestly, Jake, when I heard that I was convinced you had a death wish."

  I grinned at her. "It'll take a lot more than that to kill me."

  "Big words for a runaway."

  I kept smiling anyway, a cover from the disappointment I felt. "I wasn't a runaway. I simply took my own ship on an unscheduled cruise." She didn't laugh. She didn't even crack a smile. I sighed, picked up the brush, and resumed my clumsy attempt at shining Ralph's shoes.

  "You're not sorry at all, are you?" she asked after a few tense minutes of her glaring.

  "I already said I was sorry for worrying you." It wasn't what she was talking about and I knew that full well.

  "And are you sorry Marlon's locked up?"

  "Yes." But not in the way she wanted me to be sorry. I was sorry he got caught. I was not sorry for what he did, or for asking for his help in the first place.

  "You'd do it again." She said it simply, coldly, as if the words carried an awful taste. I'd never heard such condemnation in four little words before.

  And you know what? Damned right I would. I'd do it again and again and again if I had to. Maybe that made me a bad person, but that's the truth of it. I didn't answer. I didn't need to.

  "For her."

  The way she said "her" made my fist tighten on the brush and my face flush with heated anger. "For any friend of mine."

  Lynette let out a bitter sounding laugh. "Oh yeah, I'm so sure. You honestly think you'd do the same for me? Please. If that was true you wouldn't have abandoned me on Earth!"

  My hand hurt it was clutched so tightly around the scrub brush.

  "You don't care about us. To you we're just stupid petty pathetic little humans. None of us matters a bit compared with that...that..."

  I glared at her and dared her to say it. Come on, Lynnie. Get it out so that I can rip into you and...

  "Girl," she finished. I'm ashamed to say I was sorry she didn't come out with something awful.

  "So you're mad that I knew a friend was in trouble and I came to help, is that it? You want me to apologize for that? Nope. Never going to happen."

  "No!" she almost shouted. "I want you to look around you and see that you have friends here, friends that are...real and human and..." She was flustered and searching for the right words.

  "Hungover."

  Oh, don't worry. I was sorry I said it as soon as it was out. I have had plenty of time to remember that conversation, remember the look of hurt on her face...no, more than hurt. Devastation. Utter devastation. If I could take back a single moment in my life, it would be that one. Her eyes went wide and she let out a little "oh" of shock.

  It took a few seconds for Lynette to compose herself. When she spoke, her voice contained all the warmth of an asteroid. "I screwed up. I admit it. I was around my idols and they made it all look so..." She shook her head. "No excuses. Maybe I'm just like my mother in spite of everything."

  I felt like I'd been kicked between the legs. "Lynette..."

  "But maybe I was a friend who needed something, too, Jake." She pushed back and stood up. "And it never even occurred to you to help me, did it?"

  I wanted to say so much. I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her. I was a dumb kid who lashed out stupidly and I wished I could take it all back. She wasn't like her mother, not at all. And if she had just told me she needed help, I would have...

  But I didn't say anything. I don't know why. I was stupid? I was still angry? I was just a selfish bastard who couldn't take two seconds to consider other peoples' feelings? Probably all of the above. I should have said as much and begged her forgiveness. I just...didn't. I watched her walk down the hall and sat there still staring at the door long after it closed.

  I felt Ashnahta. She was awake and I knew if I looked across the hall she'd be sitting in her bed looking at me. I picked up the brush and kept my head down.

  She reached out to me tentatively. Jacob?

  I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her in right then. No.

  I felt first the confusion, then the annoyance. I ignored both and turned my attention to the calming mindlessness of shining shoes.