Darkest Light

by Hiromi Goto

  “Come on!” Gee shouted.

  They ran.

  Chapter Twelve

  Down, down, they ran, losing track of minutes, hours, as if they were descending the tallest mountain in the world. The sharp switchbacks, the steep steps, the air rasping with the sound of Cracker’s ragged breath—they ran for so long that they began to fear they hadn’t gained any ground at all. But the grey foliage slowly began to change, tiny arid plants shivering in crevasses turning to clumps of small-petalled flowers, shrubby bushes, even stunted, malformed trees.

  All around them, the continued grey of clouds or sky. Distance was flattened. And there was no sign of the bottom.

  Gee and Cracker had passed White Cat. Not shaped for endless descent, he’d waved them along. “Right behind you,” he groaned. “Not to worry.”

  They ran, down, down, ever downward.

  Paff, paff.

  So sudden, so complete, they didn’t realize it until they felt the damp of the solid grey cloud bank envelop and obscure the lower half of their bodies. Only their upper torsos were visible above the line of cloud cover. As if they were cut in half.

  Cracker yelped and ran back up so that she stood, panting, above the dividing line.

  Gee remained. Half-buried. The sheet of cloud was almost the same colour as the sky, he thought. You didn’t know it was there until you were in it….

  Cracker’s teeth were clattering. “It’s freezing in there. Aren’t you cold?”

  Gee slowly turned a circle, his arms held above his head as if he were wading in water. “No,” he said. “It doesn’t feel cold to me.” His joints, however, were beginning to grow stiff.

  Cracker was biting her lower lip to keep it from quivering.

  Sides heaving, White Cat finally caught up to them and flopped dramatically on his belly, three steps above the cloud bank. Annoyance and exhaustion rose off the cat in equal parts as he stared sourly at Gee. “That looks wet.” White Cat’s lip curled.

  “It’s damp.” Gee shrugged.

  “Don’t stand in it.” Cracker sounded worried. “We don’t know what’s underneath.” Her arms crossed directly below her breasts, she cupped her elbows, her shoulders hunched forward. “I don’t want to go in there,” she whispered.

  Gee looked down so that his flop of hair hid the annoyance flaring in his eyes. He needed people who would help him, not hold him back. What was the point of having a friend if she served no purpose?

  Ditch her, the darkness inside him suggested. Pitch her over the side before she causes you trouble.

  Gee shook his head. What was he thinking! How could he, of all people, imagine so horrific an act? If Popo had thought the same thing when Older Sister brought him out of Half World…. Popo didn’t have to take him in. But she did.

  Gee pulled his free arm out of his sleeve, transferring Lilla to his bared arm so that he could remove his jacket entirely. He held it up to Cracker.

  Her lower lip was trembling and she dragged her arm across her eyes. She accepted Gee’s offering and thrust her hands into the arms of the jacket, tugging the zipper to her throat. Rolling up the sleeves.

  “We can’t go back the way we came,” Gee said gently.

  “Yah, I know.” The edge in Cracker’s voice had returned.

  Obscured beneath his hair, relief bloomed across Gee’s face. He almost smiled.

  “Thanks, Gee,” Cracker whispered. She grinned at him and the golden light from her eyes felt as warm as sunshine, sweeter than honey.

  Gee blinked with surprise. “You should smile more often, too,” he noted.

  Cracker scowled. Before a smile broke through again.

  Lilla, twined thrice around him, looked like a grotesque armband. She squeezed down, hard. Ssssssssssssssssss, she hissed warningly.

  Gee could almost understand what Lilla said. She will impede you….

  Cracker made a groaning sound.

  Gee whipped his gaze toward her. “What’s wrong?”

  “I would kill for a cigarette,” she grimaced. “What a time to have to quit.”

  “Where’s your stuff?” Gee asked. Cracker had had a purse. “Did you ditch it?”

  Cracker looked away. “I dropped it at that underground garage. And I—I didn’t want to go back.” She shrugged. “If Winston reports us to the cops I’m done for.”

  Gee looked thoughtfully at the eel wrapped around his arm. An almost-smile at the corner of his lips. Winston wouldn’t report them. He’d been much too frightened….

  “What are you waiting for?” Cracker demanded. She began to descend.

  “Carry me!” White Cat cried, holding up his front legs beseechingly, his paws flopping downward.

  Cracker giggled at the cat’s pathetic display. A tiny smile twitched in the corner of Gee’s lips.

  Cracker bent down to pick up the cat. “I’m getting too tired to carry you around. You’re too heavy,” she gasped as she clutched him around the middle. “You must weigh at least fifteen pounds!”

  “I’m eighteen pounds,” White Cat said proudly. “Ouch! Don’t hold me like that!” He dangled, an inverted U, his whiskers horizontal with displeasure.

  Gee glared. “Don’t be stupid,” he said. “Turn into stone again. You’re smaller that way, and easier to carry.”

  White Cat’s eyes narrowed. Gee could not decipher the creature’s thoughts.

  Wordlessly, the cat began to alter his matter, his solidity fluctuating between opaque and translucent as he seemed to expand and contract. As if he was breathing his change. The cat yanked his matter to his core, contracting faster than the eye could follow. A walnut-sized object fell to the ground, clattering on the stone step.

  Cracker, her mouth an O of wonder, bent to pick it up. “He can change his shape and talk,” she said. She cupped the stone statuette in her palms.

  Gee shook his head. “I don’t think that’s going to be enough to make a difference in this place.”

  Lilla squeezed his wrist. Oddly, it felt reassuring. Gee glanced at his eel. The creature’s jaw was curved into a wicked grin. He wondered if all eels grinned. Or just Lilla.

  And Rilla.

  “You should get rid of that thing,” Cracker muttered. “I get a bad hit off it.”

  Lilla whipped her head toward Cracker’s face and snapped a few inches from her nose. Cracker scrambled back. “Shit!” She glared at Gee. “See! I don’t know why you keep it.”

  “She only did that because of what you said!” he retorted. Gee bit his lip. He didn’t know why he was acting like such an ass toward Cracker. He couldn’t even say why he wanted to hold on to the eel. But he did.

  Because then you have a present to give to Ilanna when you see her again, the vile voice inside him snickered. Because you want to see her again.

  Gee covered his face with his hands. His feelings. Too many mixed feelings. They had never plagued him so in the Realm of Flesh.

  Because you didn’t allow yourself to be who you really are. But you can, in Half World.

  “What’s wrong?” Cracker’s voice was filled with concern. “Are you okay?”

  “It’s nothing,” Gee said curtly. He lowered his hands. “We’re wasting time.”

  Cracker’s eyes flared with anger at his tone.

  She looks tired, Gee realized. She’s exhausted. “They’re still coming,” he said, more gently.

  They both looked upward. The formation of the overhang prevented them from seeing what was above. The wind whistled, cold and sharp.

  “I’m thirsty,” Cracker whispered. “I need a smoke.”

  She’s scared, the dark voice tittered.

  “You shouldn’t have come,” Gee said. Bad things were going to happen. And it would be his fault. The corner of his lips twitched.

  Had he been about to smile?

  Gee spun away from Cracker. “We might find water when we reach the bottom,” he said. His voice was flat. “Let’s go.” Jesus! he thought. There’s something wrong with me. Only a loathsome per
son would think a friend’s suffering is funny. A sick feeling spread in his gut, sour, reeking, acidic. A feeling at once repulsive and familiar…. Gee clamped his arm around his middle. His eyes wide with fear.

  Hunger. A hunger so great he almost cried out. He held his breath, held it in, and the churning, writhing spasm receded.

  Cracker, busy tucking the stone cat into her pocket, didn’t witness Gee’s struggle. She patted down her crinoline and began descending the stairs, stepping into the smothering mass of grey clouds. She brushed past Gee who still stood waist-deep in the cloud bank.

  He watched her sinking lower and lower, as if she were descending into dirty water. The top of her head bobbed. Gone.

  A curious emotion panged deep inside Gee’s chest. A different kind of pain, one that was braided with admiration and affection. Was this what it felt like to have a friend? Troubled, he let his flop of hair slide over his face and plunged into the damp darkness after her.

  Eyes open, he saw nothing but greyness. Cracker hadn’t called out even once. She was very brave.

  Or very dead.

  “Cracker?” Gee’s heart torqued again with the unfamiliar pain. “Cracker!” he shouted.

  “Yes?” her voice sounded faint.

  Relief washed over him. “Have you come out the other side?”

  “Not yet. I can’t even see my feet. I had to slow down.”

  Gee glanced at his feet. He could scarcely see his own chest.

  “Oh!” Cracker cried with alarm.

  “What! Just stop!” Gee commanded. “We’ll get separated.”

  “It—it’s nothing.” Cracker laughed nervously. “The stairs went funny.”

  Gee continued down, one hand extended in front of him. He felt something. Cloth.

  “Huh.” Cracker sucked her breath.

  “It’s me,” Gee said.

  Something batted at his hand. Then Cracker’s small cold fingers clasped his in a tight grip. He took one more step down to join her, yet when the ball of his foot touched the rock surface, he had the oddest sensation that he’d just climbed upward.

  He wobbled with confusion.

  “Did you feel like you went up instead of down?” Cracker whispered.

  Gee nodded. Then shook his head. She couldn’t see him. “Yes,” he murmured.

  “Maybe all of Half World is covered in fog. Everyone just wanders around, going up the down stairs. Falling off mountains. Getting lost. All alone.” Cracker’s teeth began to chatter.

  “No,” Gee said. “Half World is just underneath. We’re almost there. We have to keep moving.”

  “How do you know?” Fear quavered in Cracker’s voice.

  “White Cat made me read a book. If what it described is true, then we’re almost there.” Gee was grim. If Half World was anything like the book described, even in symbolic language, it was going to be a nightmare.

  Home sweet home, the dark voice crooned.

  His parents were down there. Somewhere. His true family. The truth of the past. The answers.

  Clattering high above them— The sound grew louder as it fell nearer, clack, clack, crack!

  A chunk of rock disintegrated on the ledge overhead and the shards scattered.

  “Come on,” Gee urged, as he tugged Cracker’s hand.

  They pressed their backs against the side of the mountain and sidled down the disorienting steps, raising their knees too high for stairs that descended. Lilla, entwined around Gee’s wrist, held herself horizontally in the air, six inches beyond Gee’s hand. She led the way, snaking from side to side as if she were swimming against a river. Ever deeper she led them into the damp, impenetrable cloud bank.

  The eel squealed. Gee jerked his arm backward. Stopped. Cracker ran into him and Gee instinctively curved his arm around her waist to keep her pressed against the rock wall. His heart thudded, slow, loud.

  Nothing.

  Nothing leapt at them, howling, slavering. Nothing bit off their limbs, tore their faces from their skulls, nothing whispered evil words that drove them mad, that had them leaping off the side of the mountain to plunge to their death…. Gee extended his hand, his fingers groping. If anything snapped them off, he thought giddily, it wouldn’t hurt him anyway.

  Cold, wet … metallic. His fingers tapped out something smooth, flat, the perfect size for his palm to rest on— A handrail, he realized, as his fingers curled around its edges. He pulled Cracker closer and placed her hand on it.

  She gasped, and then sighed with relief.

  Clinging awkwardly, with both hands, they used the railing as their point of reference as they continued descending-ascending.

  A change. Gee didn’t know what, how—

  The quality of the stairs. They felt lighter than before. Without the density of stone. Tack, tack, tack, their footsteps rang.

  They broke free from the cloud. A jubilant cry escaped Cracker’s lips, only to fade away….

  They were standing on the metal steps of a fire escape fixed to the side of a glossy high-rise, the ground far below them, glimpsed through the slats of the steps. Cracker teetered with sudden vertigo and Gee grabbed her elbow to steady her even as his gorge rose to the back of his throat.

  Gee looked up. The stairs disappeared into the slate-grey ceiling of cloud. He shook his head. Where was the mountain?

  Nonsensical. Illogical. Half World was a nightmare made material….

  The city spread out around them in greyscale. In the distance darkness roiled against the grey horizon like the edge of a monstrous forest. A liminal light, pre-dawn, or dusk, the land dark and the skies completely clouded.

  Pagodas, castle turrets, skyscrapers and minarets, huts, cabins, tents and freeways…. An odd system of canals and bridges— Was there a moat around the outer edges of the city? Gee thought he could see the glint of water. Creaking wagons being drawn by oxen as a bullet train sped above them on raised tracks with a rushing wind, a staccato clatter, a strobe of brightly lit windows. Gone.

  Pale grey lights flickered in windows and turrets. White neon signs clamoured and flickered and dark shadows huddled around open fires. The stink of singed fur, exhaust, was noxious and sweet.

  Dogs howled.

  Gee shivered. A frisson of something shimmered down his back. Lilla squeezed his forearm encouragingly.

  A feeling—not unpleasant, it tingled in his nape and pimpled his skin with emotion. Like a name on the tip of the tongue. Like the dream that fades upon waking. He clutched at the elusive strands of the unmemory, willing it to rise to the surface.

  Welcome home, the dark voice inside him crooned.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Someone, somewhere, was dying slowly. He moaned and screamed, begged and wept.

  “Jesus…,” Cracker whispered.

  A zeppelin slowly drifted by, so close that Gee could see the glint from the forks and knives of its guests who were seated at small tables, drinking from slender flutes filled with champagne.

  “How will I find her?” Cracker’s voice was lost.

  Gee swallowed the excitement fluttering inside his throat. Of course! He hadn’t forgotten why they’d come to Half World! It was only that everything was so unusual and intriguing….

  They stared at the nightmare vista in silence. Cracker, despairing, and Gee, with emotions he could not name. In the distance thunder rumbled. Or the echoes of bombs. A crackling, screaming laughter rose up from the sidewalk far, far below them, the crazed hilarity continuing on and on and on.

  Gee shuddered. No. He did not know this monstrous place. This was not his home. His home was with Popo, above the store. Their table, where they ate their meals and read their books in easy silence. Where he had grown up, inside the safety of her unwavering love.

  The sooner he found his parents, and understood his ties to Half World, the sooner those ties could be severed. And he and Cracker could go home.

  Gee cleared his throat. “Maybe your sister’s already passed through. She’s probably already in the R
ealm of Spirit. That’s what the book said: after people have worked through their troubles, their suffering, they pass into Spirit.”

  A flare of hope brightened her eyes before it faded. Cracker’s head dropped. She started descending once more, the sound of her boots on the metal steps heavy and listless. “I hope you’re right. But Klara suffered a lot before she died,” she whispered. “I just have to make sure she’s not still here. Suffering. I have to know.”

  Lilla stared at Cracker’s back before twisting around to meet Gee’s eyes.

  “Sssss, sssss, sssss, sssss,” Lilla snickered, her head bobbing up and down.

  Gee smiled—

  He recoiled. He hadn’t been laughing at Cracker’s pain. No—he’d just been delighted with the idea that an eel could laugh. Gee wasn’t the kind of person who laughed at people’s pain. He wasn’t….

  He glanced down at his pale hands. His new little pinkie. An arm that extended like an elastic band. His stomach clenched. Writhing, painful, a twist of muscle so severe he felt faint. As the sensation slowly ebbed, Gee realized what it was.

  That hunger…. So hungry he felt sick with it. He’d never felt so famished before. When was the last time he ate? He couldn’t remember. His soft supper with Popo? It felt like years ago….

  Popo…. Gee’s eyes were dry. Have they finished running the tests? Did they send her home?

  She’s dead, the dark, cruel voice spat. Like Cracker’s sister. Cycling through her pitiful pain in this Realm. As all mortals do upon death.

  “No!” Gee hissed.

  Cracker stopped and looked back. “What?” Though her face was etched with exhaustion, her eyes still shone golden in the grey light. She’d rubbed her kohl too many times and the fading black smears around her eyelids and cheeks made her resemble a ghoul. She looked ready to crumple on the ground with weariness.

  Gee had no idea how much time had passed. It could easily be the morning of the next day, he thought. Cracker needed to sleep. But Gee, he didn’t feel sleepy. His thoughts jerked away from examining too closely the difference between their body’s responses to Half World. Only the after-ache of hunger clenched his belly. There had to be someplace where Cracker could rest for a little while.