Mr. Right All Along

by Jennifer Taylor

  ‘I know you do.’ She turned her hand over, gripping his hard, and his resolve wavered. It was all he could do not to pull her into his arms, tell her how he really felt, and allow himself to be convinced. They could have it all if he did—love, marriage, the happily-ever-after—everything couples dreamt about…

  Except children.

  ‘I care about you too, Ryan. But we both know the time isn’t right, don’t we?’ She sighed as she smoothed the pad of her thumb over his palm. ‘If this had happened a few months down the line then maybe we could have worked something out but it’s too soon. Or it is for me anyway.’

  ‘Because of what happened to you?’ he said gruffly, hating the fact that she was handing him a get-out-of-jail-free card even though he needed it so desperately. However, the thought that she was still affected by her past experiences was hard to swallow.

  ‘Indirectly.’ She frowned. ‘It sounds crazy but it’s not what I went through with Damien that’s worrying me most. It’s the fact that I still need to find myself. I had so many plans, you see, so many things I wanted to achieve. We used to talk about what we intended to do when we were training, didn’t we, and I’ve realised that I still want all of that.

  ‘I want a career I love and I want to get married and have a family one day too. I want it all back, everything I dreamt about, everything I lost.’ She sighed. ‘I don’t think I can do that if I’m trying to build a relationship. I honestly don’t think I’m strong enough.’

  He could understand her reasoning, understand and agree with it, but it still hurt to know that he came second to her plans, that her feelings for him weren’t as strong as his were for her. Ryan shook his head to clear it of such selfish ideas. After all, he was doing the same thing, wasn’t he? He was applying reason to his emotions, working out what was best for her, for him, for both of them.

  ‘If that’s what you want, Eve, then it’s fine,’ he told her, although the words almost choked him.

  ‘You do understand, don’t you?’ She looked anxiously into his eyes. ‘It’s not that I don’t care about you, Ryan. I do. An awful lot. It would be only too easy to let whatever happened simply happen. But in here…’ she touched her heart ‘…I know that I’ll regret it. I need to find myself before I have anything to offer you.’

  ‘I understand, sweetheart. Really I do.’ He bent and kissed her on the lips then stood up. If he didn’t leave right now, he wouldn’t be able to keep up the pretence. He would have to tell her how he really felt, that she was making a mistake, that he loved her and that he would help make all her dreams come true.

  All except one very important one. If Eve stayed with him she would never become a mother.

  The thought tore his heart to shreds, ripped it apart and tossed it aside in a bloodied little heap. Ryan’s legs were trembling as he made for the stairs. Hard though it was, he could accept that he would never be a father. What he couldn’t accept was that Eve would never be a mother.

  ‘I think we both need a bit of breathing space,’ he told her roughly. ‘Why don’t you have a rest? We’re meeting the others for dinner at seven so there’s plenty of time.’

  ‘I shall.’ His foot found the first tread when she continued and he paused reluctantly. ‘What just happened, Ryan…well, it was magical.’

  ‘For me too,’ he said gruffly, and ran down the stairs. The floorboards felt cold beneath his feet, cold and hard like the lump in his throat. Going into the bedroom, he closed the door and made himself breathe in and out just to prove that he was capable of breathing, capable of living. Oh, he knew he was, knew that he would manage it somehow. He didn’t have a choice. He had to live his life the best way he could but it would always be a second-best existence without Eve there to share it with him.

  * * *

  They arrived back in Dalverston at lunchtime on Monday. Eve was first to be dropped off and she smiled broadly as she waved goodbye, hoping no one could tell how desperately sad she felt. As she watched the minibus drive away, she had to stop herself running after it, stop herself running after Ryan. She had done the right thing—she had! She just needed to convince herself now.

  She let herself into the flat, leaving her bag by the door because it was too much effort to unpack it. The place felt so cold and quiet and she shivered. She’d grown used to having people around and had enjoyed the company but it was one person she missed most, one person she would continue to miss for however long it took her to get over what had happened. Would she succeed or would she always wonder if she’d made a mistake? The thought filled her with dread. She didn’t want to face the future filled with doubts.

  She went into the kitchen and made some tea then sat at the table, letting it go cold. She hadn’t planned to tell Ryan what she had: it had just slipped out. Maybe it was the fact that she’d sensed he’d had doubts that had triggered her own misgivings, but she’d realised it would be a mistake to rush into something they could regret. Maybe she did love him but until she was a whole person again she couldn’t make any sort of commitment. It wouldn’t be fair to short-change him, to expect him to love her the way she was. They needed to be on an equal footing, both sure of who they were. Their relationship wouldn’t work if Ryan was having to act as her prop.

  Eve poured the tea down the drain and took her case into the bedroom. She had to start as she intended to go on and that meant taking charge of her life, even the insignificant bits like unpacking. She’d lost too many years drifting along and she refused to lose any more. And if she made a success of it, well, who knew what might happen?

  Hope shone brightly inside her. Maybe, just maybe, once she had found herself, she and Ryan could try again.

  If he wanted to.

  If he was willing.

  If he loved her.

  * * *

  Ryan was on early on Tuesday morning and arrived at the hospital shortly before six a.m. Marie was in the staffroom when he went in and she grinned at him.

  ‘So how are the legs? Mine are as stiff as boards.’

  ‘Mine too,’ he agreed, shoving his jacket in the locker. ‘I didn’t know that muscles could ache as much as this.’

  ‘Good,’ Marie declared with a sad lack of sympathy. ‘I’d hate to be the only one suffering!’

  ‘You’re not,’ he assured her. ‘Still, it was a brilliant effort, wouldn’t you say?’

  ‘It was, especially after us having to stop to help with that RTA.’ Marie closed her locker door. ‘Did the Scottish police get back to you, by the way?’

  ‘Yes, they did. The father and the two kids were discharged but the two women are still in ICU,’ he began, then stopped when the door opened and Eve appeared.

  ‘Morning.’

  She smiled at them as she went over to her locker and Ryan did his best to smile back but it was too damned hard. How could he pretend that he was fine when his heart was broken? He’d spent the most miserable night of his entire life, spent it thinking about Eve and everything that had happened—and everything that could never happen too. Oh, he had tried to see sense, tried to see it from her side as well as his, but it hadn’t helped. It couldn’t do, not when it all came down to one simple yet painful fact: he and Eve couldn’t be together. Not now. Not ever.

  ‘Right, I’ll go and see what’s been happening in our absence.’ He swung round, terrified that he would do the unforgivable and say something he shouldn’t. He and Eve couldn’t share their lives, couldn’t be a couple. He knew that but his foolish heart didn’t. If he listened to what it was saying then he would never do what he had to do, what was right.

  He went through to the unit and busied himself catching up. George Porter, the child with meningitis, was much better and was being discharged that day, which was excellent news. Most of the other children were on the mend too, although there’d been two admissions over the weekend who definitely needed his full attention. Whilst he would never wish any child to suffer, he was glad to have to focus on their needs. At least while he
was concentrating on them, he wasn’t thinking about himself and that had to be a bonus.

  He sighed as he picked up the first child’s file. That was the theory anyway. Whether it would work in practice remained to be seen.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  ‘CAN YOU EXPLAIN again how Charlie came to sustain these injuries, Mrs Lawrence?’

  Eve frowned when she heard the edge in Ryan’s voice. It was obvious that there was something troubling him, although she wasn’t sure what. She glanced at six-year-old Charlie Lawrence’s admission notes, wondering if she would find a clue in there. The little boy had been brought into A and E the previous evening. The doctor who had examined him had sent him for an X-ray, which had revealed a badly fractured left femur. Charlie had been taken straight to Theatre where Ray McNulty, the paediatric orthopaedic surgeon, had reduced the fracture. So far, so routine. So why was Ryan digging deeper into this case?

  ‘We already explained what happened,’ Brian Lawrence put in before his wife could answer. ‘It’s all there in the notes, Doctor.’

  ‘I know.’ Ryan’s smile was bland. It definitely didn’t match the look in his eyes as he fixed the other man with a piercing stare. ‘However, facts can tend to get a little, well, distorted when they’re written down, so bear with me.’ He turned to Amy Lawrence, his voice softening as he prompted her to answer. ‘You were in the house on your own when Charlie fell down the stairs, is that correct, Mrs Lawrence?’

  ‘I…ehem… Yes, that’s right.’

  Amy Lawrence glanced at her husband and Eve frowned when she realised how nervous the woman looked. She had the distinct impression that Mrs Lawrence was worried in case she said something wrong and her heart sank as she realised what was going on. Ryan obviously didn’t believe that Charlie’s leg had been broken by accident.

  ‘I’d gone out for a drink with some friends.’ Once again Brian Lawrence interrupted them. He turned to Eve and smiled winningly. ‘Typical, isn’t it? The one night I go out and something like this has to happen!’

  He ruffled Charlie’s hair. Eve’s hands clenched when she saw the little boy flinch. That his father had noticed it too was obvious. Brian Lawrence gave his son a supposedly playful cuff around the ear. ‘Remember what I’m always telling you, son. Don’t play on the stairs or you could get hurt.’

  Eve opened her mouth, unable to stand there and watch while he terrorised the child. Had he done this to Charlie, knocked him down the stairs in a fit of temper and fractured his leg? It was starting to look more and more likely.

  ‘Mr Lawrence—’ she began.

  ‘Can you go to the office and phone Mr MacNulty, Dr Pascoe?’ Ryan interrupted curtly, cutting her off. ‘I need to double-check there were no complications during the operation. It could affect the length of time we have to keep Charlie in.’

  Eve nodded, knowing that he’d been right to step in. If she accused Brian Lawrence of hurting the child without any evidence to back up the charge, it could have disastrous consequences. She went to the office and made the call. Ray was in Theatre but his secretary promised to ask him to phone back as soon as he was free. She’d just hung up when Ryan appeared, looking very grim.

  ‘I came this close to decking him!’ He held his finger and thumb a scant half-inch apart.

  Eve sighed. ‘You think the father’s responsible for Charlie’s injuries?’

  ‘Yes. Did you see how the poor kid flinched when he touched him?’

  ‘Yes. I didn’t realise what was going on until then,’ she admitted. ‘Why did you suspect Charlie’s injuries weren’t accidental, though?’

  ‘Because I checked his records and this is the third time he’s been brought into hospital since Christmas.’

  ‘Really?’ She frowned. ‘I didn’t notice anything in his notes to that effect. Why didn’t A and E flag it up?’

  ‘That’s something I intend to find out.’ His tone was grim. ‘If the poor kid’s slipped through the net, how many others have done so as well?’

  Eve shivered. The situation was a little too close to home for comfort. Ryan must have noticed her reaction and sighed.

  ‘I know this is going to be really hard for you, Eve, so say if you’d rather not get involved.’

  ‘Of course I want to be involved,’ she countered. ‘I can’t just pretend that things like this don’t happen. I need to deal with this kind of situation otherwise I won’t be able to do my job properly.’

  ‘I understand all that but it is rather different for you,’ he pointed out.

  ‘The fact that I’ve had first-hand experience of abuse gives me an edge.’ She shrugged. ‘I may be able to help Charlie’s mother if she’s being abused as well.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’ He frowned. ‘I don’t want you pushing yourself too hard. You’re still getting over what happened to you, don’t forget.’

  ‘I’ll back off if I feel it’s too much for me,’ she assured him, touched that he should try to protect her this way.

  Marie poked her head round the door just then so they didn’t say anything more. However, as she listened while Ryan explained his concerns to the ward sister, Eve couldn’t help feeling more upbeat than she’d done since she’d come home. Ryan cared about her; he really cared. And she’d be lying if she claimed that it didn’t make a difference to know how he felt. Maybe she had been a bit too hasty, telling him that she didn’t have time for a relationship, she mused as she went back to the unit. After all, it would help enormously if he was at her side while she put her life back together. Knowing that Ryan was waiting for her would be the biggest incentive of all, but was it what he wanted?

  He had always been commitment-phobic and nothing had happened to make her think he had changed. If he had done then surely he would have tried harder to persuade her to give him a chance? She sighed as she thought back to what had gone on at the weekend. Ryan might care about her. He might even love her in his own way but it obviously wasn’t enough to make him reconsider his decision to remain single. Maybe he would change his mind one day when he met the right woman. However, it was clear that she wasn’t that woman.

  * * *

  The day raced past. Between the normal business of dealing with his patients as well as trying to sort out the Charlie Lawrence situation, Ryan found himself working at full tilt. He was glad too. If his mind was fully occupied then it had less chance to wander along paths it shouldn’t take. Eve was a friend. She could only ever be a friend. The familiar litany kept repeating itself over and over again but he still found it impossible to accept it as gospel.

  The trouble was that he didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want to believe what he knew to be true, that Eve could never be his. It was too hard, too painful, too everything to erase her from his life this way. He had a feeling that he would never recover from it and it was a prospect that filled him with dread. An Eve-free future wasn’t something he was looking forward to.

  He went home after his shift, feeling very deflated. Although he was normally a positive person, there seemed very little light on his personal horizon. He made himself a sandwich then took it and a stack of journals into the sitting room. His to-be-read pile was almost as high as Ben Nevis and he needed to catch up with any new developments in the paediatric field. He was going to start applying for a consultant’s post soon. If he couldn’t have a wife and a family, at least he could have a career!

  He was halfway through the first article when the doorbell rang. Ryan sighed as he got up. No doubt it would be someone trying to sell him something he didn’t want. He flung open the front door and stopped dead, staring in surprise at Eve.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he demanded with a sad lack of grace. However, in his defence the one person he had never expected to find on his doorstep was Eve.

  ‘I wanted to return your mother’s clothes.’ Twin spots of colour appeared on her cheeks as she held out a bulging carrier bag and Ryan could have bitten off his tongue. Talk about how not to make someo
ne feel welcome! ‘Can you thank her for me and tell her that I’ve washed everything I used?’

  She thrust the bag into his hands and turned to leave but there was no way that he was prepared to let her go without an apology. He hurried after her, catching hold of her arm to bring her to a halt.

  ‘I’m sorry. I realise that wasn’t the most welcoming of greetings but you caught me on the hop.’ Unconsciously, his voice dropped because the feel of her flesh beneath his fingers was already having an effect. ‘Won’t you come in, Eve? Please.’

  ‘I only came to return the clothes,’ she said hoarsely, and he shuddered when he heard the raw emotion in her voice. She might be trying her best not to show how she felt but he could tell how difficult it was for her too. Eve may have decided that she needed time to put her life back together but it didn’t mean that she didn’t care about him.

  The thought filled him with warmth, with light, with joy, and his fingers tightened around her arm. Even though he knew they couldn’t be together, he still rejoiced at the thought. It took every scrap of willpower he could muster not to leap up and punch the air, in fact.

  ‘I know. But there’s no reason why you can’t come in and have a cup of tea, is there?’ He smiled persuasively, seeing the hesitancy in her eyes, and rejoiced once more even though he knew it was selfish. However, to know that she was tempted by his invitation was a definite boost to his ego.

  ‘Well, if you’re sure I’m not disturbing you?’

  ‘You aren’t.’ He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her round. ‘To be honest, you’ll be doing me a favour.’

  ‘How come?’ she demanded as he steered her back up the path.