Mr. Right All Along

by Jennifer Taylor

‘Because I need an excuse not to have to read through all those dry-as-dust articles in the medical journals.’ He slammed the door behind them and grinned at her. ‘Oh, I know what you’re thinking, that I should find them absorbing, but between you and me most of the guys who publish a paper can’t write for toffee. They definitely wouldn’t make it to the bestseller lists!’

  She burst out laughing. ‘How very unprofessional of you, Dr Sullivan. Tut, tut, I’m dismayed by your attitude.’

  ‘Me too,’ he said airily, leading the way to the kitchen. He switched on the kettle and laughed. ‘I’m dismayed myself, especially as I need to be ahead of the game when I start applying for a consultant’s post. But—hey!—what can I say?’ He spread his hands wide. ‘I can only assume that I must be a shallow sort of person because most of the articles I read bore me stiff.’

  ‘Anyone less shallow is hard to imagine,’ she said firmly.

  ‘Thank you. I may ask you for a reference when I start applying for jobs.’

  Ryan managed to hold his smile but it touched him to hear her say that and in that tone too. He was right, she did care, and the thought was the last one he needed in the circumstances. He busied himself making tea because it helped to do something practical. It was when he started thinking that the real problems began and he couldn’t allow his thoughts to run away with him. Eve had brought back his mum’s clothes. She hadn’t come specifically to see him…

  Had she?

  He groaned as he dropped teabags into the mugs. Off they went, as fast as they could, racing like crazy. Had Eve come to return the clothes or had she another reason for visiting him? After all, she could have given the clothes to him at work and saved herself a journey. That seemed to suggest there was another reason for her visit but what? Had she changed her mind? Was she going to tell him that she’d been wrong and wanted them to be together? And if she did, what was he going to say? Would he stick to his guns or would temptation prove too much?

  Questions, questions! One led to another and then to a third. His head was reeling as he tried to sort them out. What should he do? The right thing or the wrong? He knew what he wanted to do but the cost was too high. If he had Eve, she would never have a family. The fact that he couldn’t have one either was immaterial at this point. It was Eve who mattered most, her needs which he had to focus on. She would never have a child if she stayed with him. Was that what he wanted? For her to have to give up one of her cherished dreams because of him?

  ‘Ryan.’

  He jumped when she said his name. Turning, he tried to smooth his face into a suitable expression, one that betrayed nothing of the sadness he felt. His thoughts had stopped running now and were sitting inside his head like cold lumps of lead. He couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t take away something so precious. He couldn’t do it for any reason and especially not so that he could have what he wanted which was her for all eternity.

  ‘What’s going on, Ryan?’

  Her voice was low but he heard the steel in it and knew there was no point trying to lie his way out of it. He had to tell her the truth, every bit of it. And once that was done, he had to stand firm.

  If he could.

  * * *

  Eve felt the blood rush to her head as Ryan went over to the table and sat down. It didn’t need a genius to work out that whatever he was going to tell her, it wasn’t good news. She clamped her lips tightly together as she went and sat down as well, afraid that she would tell him that she didn’t want to hear it. She had to listen to what he had to say even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

  She waited for him to begin, wishing that she had never started this. She could have returned his mother’s clothes at work instead of coming here, but she’d convinced herself that it was only polite to give them back as soon as possible. It had been an excuse, of course. Not a very good one but the best she could come up with. It had been easier to tell herself that than admit that she’d wanted to see him. Maybe she had decided that she needed to put her life in order but that had been then. The moment she’d seen him today, she’d realised it wasn’t possible to do it on her own. Ryan was part of her life now and she needed him around, needed him. Now she had to convince him that he needed her just as much.

  If he did.

  A shiver ran through her but Eve ignored it. She had to clear her mind of everything else, all the doubts, all the uncertainties, even the hope. She had to listen to what Ryan had to say without emotions getting in the way.

  ‘Tell me what’s going on, Ryan. I know something is wrong and I need to know what it is.’

  He looked down at his hands for a moment then lifted his eyes to hers and she could have wept when she saw how bleak he looked. It took all her courage not to tell him to stop if it was going to hurt him this much, but she knew that she couldn’t do that. He had to tell her. She had to listen. Neither of them had a choice.

  ‘I told you that my brother died of long QT syndrome.’ His voice was flat, emotionless, yet she jumped. It was the last thing she’d expected him to say.

  ‘Yes,’ she said quietly, trying to understand how that tragedy could impact on them.

  Her breath caught as she realised what he might be saying. It was hard to keep the tremor out of her voice but it wasn’t fair to expect him to cope with her emotions when he had to deal with his own. ‘You also said that you aren’t affected by LQTS.’

  ‘That’s right. I’m not.’

  Once again he stared down at his hands and Eve felt her stomach quiver with nerves. They had reached the real crux of the issue and she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to handle what he had to tell her. But Ryan needed her to be strong. He needed her support. He needed her to be everything she’d been in the past, everything she was afraid she wasn’t any more.

  He suddenly looked up and Eve forced down the panic that had assailed her. ‘I’m not affected by LQTS but I am a carrier of the gene that can cause it.’

  He took a deep breath and she could see that his hands were trembling. Reaching out, she covered them with her own, wanting to comfort him any way she could. She loved him so much and that had to count for something, surely.

  ‘It means that I could pass it on to my own children.’ He turned his hands over and gripped hers, hard. ‘That’s why I can never have a family of my own, Eve. I can’t take the risk of any child of mine inheriting such a cruel illness. It’s also why I shall never get married. I wouldn’t expect any woman to marry me knowing that we can never have children. It wouldn’t be right and it wouldn’t be fair. Especially not to you.’

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  EVE SAT QUITE still. She could hear the steady tick of the clock on the wall counting out the minutes, but it felt as though time had stopped. Ryan could never be a father. He would never have a child to love and care for. Of all the awful things that could have happened to him, this had to be the worst.

  Tears streamed down her face but she barely noticed them. Her heart was aching, aching for him, aching for herself too. She had always wanted a family and had looked forward to the time when she would become a mother. Even in her darkest moments that dream had never deserted her. It had shone brightly, given her hope, encouraged her to look towards the future, a future that one day would be filled with love and laughter. Now she could feel it crumbling around the edges, flaking away, turning to dust. If Ryan couldn’t have children then she could never have them either.

  ‘Don’t. Please don’t cry, sweetheart. I can’t bear it.’

  His voice echoed with pain and Eve knew that she had to pull herself together. It was hard enough for him to know that he couldn’t have something so important, without her making it worse. Standing up, she tore off a wad of kitchen roll and dried her eyes. Ryan didn’t say anything as she came back and sat down. He seemed resigned to the fact that now he had told her the truth that was it. But was it? Was it the end for them? Or was there a way to work around this problem?

  A glimmer of hope started to shimmer on
the horizon, just the faintest glow but it was enough to be going on with. Eve blew her nose and looked directly at him. ‘I don’t know enough about this to speak with authority but are you sure there isn’t anything you can do?’

  ‘You mean like testing a foetus to see if it’s inherited LQTS?’ He shrugged. ‘I can’t give you a definitive answer. But even if I could, that isn’t the point. I wouldn’t expect any woman to have to go through the heartache of possibly having to abort a child because it’s inherited this condition.’

  Eve understood how he felt. The thought of terminating a pregnancy filled her with horror too. However, there had to be another way, surely? ‘What about in vitro testing? That way only a foetus that proved to be clear of the gene would be implanted.’

  ‘Even if it’s possible—and I have no idea if it is because I’ve never gone into it—you know as well as I do that IVF is never an easy option. Apart from all the drugs that a woman would need to take to stimulate egg production, there’d be the stress of waiting to see if they’d produced a suitable foetus.’ He shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t put any woman through that, Eve, especially when she could have got pregnant without all that hassle.’

  ‘Nobody knows if they can get pregnant until they try,’ she pointed out, praying that reason would help to convince him.

  ‘No. But there’s no reason to believe that you can’t get pregnant, is there?’ He cupped her cheek and his eyes were filled with an unbearable sadness. ‘I couldn’t do that to you, my darling. I couldn’t put you through all that heartache and possible despair.’

  ‘But surely it’s up to me? It would be my decision, Ryan. I’d be going into it with my eyes open.’

  ‘And that’s what makes it worse.’ His voice caught. ‘Knowing that you love me enough to contemplate making such a huge sacrifice only makes me more determined to do what’s right. I love you, Eve. And if circumstances were different I’d ask you to marry me like a shot. But they aren’t different, are they? If we stay together then we can’t have a family, you can never have a child. And that’s not fair, is it?’

  He stood up, making it clear that he’d said all he intended to say on the subject. Eve rose to her feet, her legs shaking as she made her way to the door and let herself out. Ryan didn’t follow her and she didn’t expect him to either. He could no more have stood at the door, waving her off, than she could have left him there and walked away.

  She bit her lip as a sob rose to her throat. Of all the terrible things that had happened in her life this had to be the worst. She had lost the man she loved and there was no hope of getting him back.

  * * *

  The week passed, although most days Ryan felt as though he was merely treading water. He seemed to be stuck in that awful moment when he had told Eve why they could never be together. The scene constantly replayed itself inside his head, each word she’d uttered, everything he’d said. He tried to break the cycle, tried to bury it in some dark corner of his mind, but it refused to go quietly. Eve had been willing to take a chance and he’d refused. But what if he agreed? What if there was a way round this problem, as she’d suggested?

  And what if they tried for a baby and it ended in heartache? How would she feel then? Would she be able to handle the disappointment? Would she still love him after he’d caused her such grief?

  The questions were never-ending but the answer was always the same: he had to let her go. The only respite he got was when he was working. Focusing on his patients’ needs quietened the internal voice so he spent more and more time at work. He saw Eve, of course. It was impossible not to and it was ever more stressful to watch her growing more withdrawn by the day.

  Even Marie noticed it and said as much but he merely shrugged. How could he tell Marie that he was responsible for Eve slipping back into her shell? He’d wanted to help her and all he’d done was set her back to where she’d been. It was yet another thing to feel guilty about, to regret.

  Social services had taken up the case of little Charlie Lawrence. Ryan gave instructions that Mr and Mrs Lawrence were to be supervised when they came to visit him. He’d decided to keep the boy in while the social workers investigated and only hoped they would be able to find out what had been going on before he had to discharge him. Although he was stretching the point by keeping Charlie in when he was fit enough to leave, Ryan had few qualms about it. The child needed protecting and that was more important than anything else.

  Friday rolled around and he was relieved to discover that Eve was working late that day. She wasn’t due in till six, which meant he wouldn’t need to see her if he left on time. He was ready to depart on the dot of five, a fact that wasn’t lost on Marie. She raised her brows when she found him in the staffroom, putting on his jacket.

  ‘Hmm, you must have a hot date tonight if you’re leaving on time.’

  ‘How did you guess?’ Ryan cracked a smile. The only date he wanted, hot or otherwise, was with Eve but that wasn’t going to happen. Bending down, he searched for his car keys, which had fallen out of his pocket and slithered under the locker.

  ‘So who’s the lucky woman?’ Marie continued. ‘Anyone I know?’

  ‘Nope. And I’m not going to tell you who she is either. Suffice it to say that hot doesn’t do her justice!’

  He straightened up and found himself staring at Eve. That she had heard what he’d said was obvious from her expression. Ryan’s heart sank as she stalked past him and opened her locker. He couldn’t believe she’d overheard that crass comment but what could he do? He could hardly explain that he’d been lying with Marie there, listening.

  By the time he’d debated, Eve had hung up her coat and was on her way out. He hurried after her but she’d already entered the unit. He paused, not wanting to follow her and cause a scene. Anyway, what was the point? He and Eve weren’t an item. They never could be an item. Maybe it would be better to let her think that he had moved on. He sighed as he made for the lift. Better for her possibly but definitely not better for him.

  * * *

  Eve couldn’t believe how painful it was to discover that Ryan was dating again. As she read through their newest admission’s notes, it was hard not to bawl her eyes out. He’d claimed that he loved her but obviously his idea of love was a world away from hers! Her breath hitched painfully on a sob and Tamsin, who was setting up a drip, looked at her in concern.

  ‘You OK, Eve?’

  ‘Fine thanks.’ Eve dredged up a smile. ‘I bolted down a sandwich before I came out and I think I may have indigestion.’

  ‘Oh, poor you!’ the nurse exclaimed. ‘I’ve some peppermints in my locker. I’ll get them for you when I’ve finished this.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Eve smiled her thanks and moved away from the bed. She went into the office and checked the roster to see who was working that night. Penny was on as well as Tamsin so they had sufficient cover for once.

  She went back to the unit and made her way round the beds, talking to the children in turn. Although nothing had been flagged up as needing her urgent attention, she liked to be prepared so she could cover every eventuality. She sighed because she certainly hadn’t foreseen that Ryan would start dating again.

  She came to Charlie Lawrence’s bed last of all. They had moved him closer to the nurses’ station so they could keep an eye on him. Eve smiled at him. He was such a sweet child and she had grown fond of him. ‘So how are you tonight, Charlie?’

  ‘Great,’ he told her, smiling shyly back. ‘Marie gave me this games console to play on. It’s really cool!’

  He showed Eve the console and explained the rules of the game he was playing. At his insistence, she had a go but didn’t manage to score a single point. She shook her head as she handed it back to him.

  ‘I’m rubbish, aren’t I?’

  ‘You just need to practise,’ he assured her. His fingers whizzed over the buttons and he laughed in delight as he logged up another high score. He looked so much happier than he had when he’d been admitted and Eve c
ould only hope that social services would sort things out. It wasn’t right that a child like this should live in terror.

  Evening visiting began a short time later so she went to the office to type up some notes. Ryan always did his own but Rex Manning left it to the F1 students to update the files. Eve never minded doing it as she learned a lot from reading the consultant’s observations. She was soon engrossed and didn’t hear Penny come into the room. She jumped when the nurse spoke.

  ‘Can you come, Eve? Charlie Lawrence’s father is kicking off and I’m not sure what to do,’ Penny explained anxiously.

  ‘Of course.’ Eve stood up. ‘What happened, do you know?’

  ‘I’m not sure but he was in a very belligerent mood when he arrived.’ Penny pushed open the door and nodded towards Charlie’s bed. ‘See what I mean?’

  Eve frowned. Even from where she was standing she could tell that Brian Lawrence was in a foul temper. He was glaring down at Charlie’s mother, who was cowering in a chair. Charlie was huddled beneath the bedclothes, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. It had all the makings of a major scene and she knew that she had to take immediate steps to control the situation.

  ‘Can you phone Security and ask them to send someone up here as quickly as possible?’ she said to Penny. ‘I’ll go and see if I can calm things down until they arrive.’

  ‘Be careful,’ Penny warned her. ‘He’s a really nasty piece of work and I’d hate you to get on the wrong side of him.’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ Eve assured her, although her stomach was fluttering with nerves. She’d been involved in too many similar incidents for it not to have an effect but she refused to let that deter her. There was no way that she was prepared to allow the man to terrorise his wife and child this way.

  Amy Lawrence looked round in relief when Eve appeared and she smiled reassuringly at her. ‘Hello, Mrs Lawrence. Has Charlie shown you the game he’s been playing? He’s really good at it.’

  ‘Yes, he did.’ Amy Lawrence dredged up a smile. ‘He loves those computer games.’