Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  She pushed her chair back from her desk. “I tell you what. I think it would be a good idea if you took a piece of paper and put a line down the middle. Write all the reasons you want him to come home on one side and all the reasons you want him to stay away on the other. I think you’ll find it helpful in sorting out your emotions.”

  “The bum drinks. He smokes. He gambles. He plays around. He hasn’t bought me a birthday gift in twenty years…”

  Elsie held up her hand. “That’s a start. You write it all down and then bring it to me for our next session. We’ll figure it out together. How’s that?”

  Mrs. Abernathy rose from her chair and smoothed down her drab coat. “Thank you dear. You’re a sweet girl. I have no one else to talk to.”

  “You can always talk to me. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, okay?”

  The poor woman nodded and left her office. Elsie flopped back into her chair, put her elbows on the desk and rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers. Then she picked up her pen and drew a line on her blotter. She wrote “bossy know-it-all/good with a hammer.”

  It was so maddening, the things men got away with. Really!

  What nerve. Who do they think they are…telling her to do sit-ups…

  “Elsie?”

  She snapped her head around. Crystal was in the doorway.

  “Sorry. I did knock.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “I hate to tell you this, kiddo, but they’ve called an emergency meeting and orders are ‘Everyone show up.’”

  She threw her pen on the desk. “Wonderful. Just what I need. I’m supposed to pick up Aunt Hildy at the airport.”

  “Can’t someone else go?”

  Elsie reached in her purse for her cellphone. “I guess so. Or let me put it this way. I sure hope so. Otherwise my life won’t be worth a plug nickel.”

  The phone rang.

  Juliet lay on her deck chair, baby-oiled to the hilt, wearing a green facial mask, terrycloth turban and not much else, taking advantage of another heavenly day. A pitcher of margaritas and a dish of salted cashews were placed beside her by the ever-faithful Ro. Kiwi slept at her feet on a suede doggy cushion.

  “Get that. My face is frozen.”

  “We have an answering machine, you know.”

  “I forgot to tell you. Kiwi knocked it off the table. It’s broken. Scared her to death, poor little poopsie.”

  Robert looked to the heavens as he reached for the cordless phone. “Worthington residence.”

  “Robert, it’s Elsie.”

  “Oh, hello Elsie.”

  Juliet groaned.

  “Is Juliet there?”

  He looked at her. She waved her hands back and forth in front of her, as if to ward off a cloud of blackflies.

  “No sorry, she isn’t. She’s off doing her usual charity duties. No rest for the wicked.”

  “Oh, I see.” There was a moment of silence. “You wouldn’t want to do me a favour, would you Robert?”

  He hesitated. “Ah…”

  “I’ve been called to an important meeting, and I’m supposed to pick up Aunt Hildy from the airport. You wouldn’t be a doll and go for me?”

  He slapped his hand to his forehead. “Gee Elsie…any other time. I’ve got a client coming to sign some papers for a major deal and it’s too late to back out now. Gosh. I’m awfully sorry.”

  “That’s okay, I know it’s last minute. I’ll figure it out. See you later.”

  “Yeah, see you.”

  He hung up and wiped his brow. “That was a close one.”

  Juliet gingerly brought the iced glass to her lips and took a big sip. “What did she want?”

  “To go to the airport and retrieve Aunt Hildy. Frankly, I’d rather walk on hot coals.”

  “What cheek asking us to do it. I’m staying away from that miserable old bat as long as humanly possible. This is her problem. She brought this on herself. Besides, you have no idea how mean Aunt Hildy is to me, Robert. You have no idea.”

  “Actually I do. I’ve seen her schtick before. She better not start when I’m around or I’ll tell her a thing or two.”

  “No Ifs Ands Or Butts Plumbing Company. How may I help you?”

  “Hi…is that…?”

  “Bunny.”

  “Oh yes, Bunny. Is my husband…ah…former husband…God…is Graham there?”

  Bunny’s heart fluttered a little. “I’m sorry, but he’s not here right now.”

  “Oh darn. His cellphone’s turned off and I’m not sure where to reach him. You don’t know what job site he’s on by any chance?”

  “Sorry, I don’t. But if I see him I’ll tell him you called. Is there any message?”

  “No. Never mind. Thank you.”

  Bunny no sooner hung up when she saw Graham walk toward the office from the back shop. She loved to watch him. He had a smile that melted her toffee in a big way. Not that he ever looked at her, but a woman could dream. Especially now, for heaven’s sake…Graham was divorced? Why hadn’t someone told her that before? She didn’t have a moment to lose.

  She grabbed her make-up bag out of the bottom drawer of her desk and ran to the bathroom. She applied a little blush to her cheeks and a smear of lip gloss. She bent over and whisked her hands through her hair before swinging her head back up and fluffing her blond mane with her hands. That’s when she noticed a coffee stain on her blouse. Rats. She reached for a roll of brown paper towels someone had left on the back of the toilet and tore a piece off, quickly dipping it under the tap and tried wiping at the stain. That didn’t work, so she opted to leave one more button undone. That solved the problem. She high-tailed it back to her deck just as Graham came in holding a bunch of invoices. He looked annoyed. Then dismayed.

  “Ah…”

  Bunny licked her lips. “Can I help you Graham?” She leaned forward just a tad.

  He backed up a little. “Ah…yeah. These figures are totally messed up. The client’s having a fit and I don’t blame them.”

  “Well, let’s go over them item by item, shall we? I’m sure I’ll be able to fix you up in no time. I have a real head for figures.”

  Graham hesitated, then pulled up a chair beside her. “I guess so.”

  She thought she’d faint. He smelled so good, in spite of his messy overalls. Reaching over, she took the invoices out of his hand, and felt a jolt of electricity.

  Then she remembered the phone call. Should she tell him? If she did, he’d leave. His ex said there was no message, so it couldn’t have been that important. She decided not to waste this wonderful opportunity. Who knew when Graham would sit by her again?

  Faith typed away like a madwoman. She was on a roll. The muse had hit.

  “Agnes leapt up from her prayers when she saw the sex-starved creature and opened her mouth to scream but suddenly remembered she’d taken a vow of silence and so couldn’t make a sound. Well, that was a bummer. Then she remembered that as a nun she shouldn’t be grumpy, let alone violent, so hitting him with a rake wasn’t much good and of course, there was the vow of chastity thing, so she really couldn’t be of much use to him there but she had no way of letting him know that. And because she just stood there, getting really wet and not doing anything, the sex-starved creature wasn’t sure what to do either. No one had ever just stood there before. So they stared at each other…and the longer they stared, the more understanding passed between them, until finally they lunged together and started rolling around in the oregano and parsley. But Mother Superior spied them from the chapel and came running out with the entire nun population behind her and—”

  Ring.

  Ring.

  Ring.

  “Blast it to hell. Hello?”

  “Faith, it’s me. You wouldn’t do me a really big…”

  “No!” She hung up.

  “—everyone ended up rolling around in the mud and that’s when the bus tour arrived…”

  Lily was worried. She looked at her human guinea pig with alarm.


  “Are you okay, Habib?”

  “I think so,” he said weakly.

  “Is the blood pressure cuff too tight?”

  “It’s not so much that. It’s the nails that are a little uncomfortable.”

  “Oh gosh.” Lily looked around for her dumb lab partner, who really was a total jerk for letting her do this experiment by herself. “Perhaps I better stop pumping this up.” She looked at the cuff and Habib’s blueish arm.

  He whispered, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but is this incredible agony absolutely necessary?”

  Lily wrung her hands. “I’m so sorry, Habib.”

  “I mean, I don’t mind helping out, but I’d really like to get back to my fish and chips.”

  She was desperate. “I’m measuring pain thresholds between males and females. I shouldn’t mention this, but we tell some of the guys that girls are better at this, because when we do suggest it, we find they try to outdo the girls’ results but when we don’t tell them…”

  “Please…I’m a card-carrying wimp.”

  Just then her cellphone went off. She would have ignored it but she thought it might be her stupid lab partner and she wanted to give him a blast.

  “Excuse me Habib. I won’t be a moment.”

  “A moment…an eternity…”

  “Hello? This better be you Martin and I’m going to kill you if it is.”

  “Lily?”

  “Mom?”

  “Hi honey…”

  Lily looked at Habib’s arm and decided enough was enough. She shrugged the cellphone against her shoulder.

  “Look, Mom. I can’t talk right now. Oh dear…” She fumbled with the gauge and in her hurry, turned it up.

  “The other way!” Habib screamed.

  “Hello? What was that? Are you all right dear? Who’s that crying in the background?”

  “Mom, I can’t talk. I have to take Habib to the nurses’ office.” She threw the phone across the table and tended to her victim.

  Dahlia pulled strands of hair through a plastic skull cap.

  Her client made a face. “This reminds me of my daughter’s Play Doh machine—you push down on it and the stuff sprouts up like spaghetti.”

  Everyone laughed, so Dahlia didn’t hear the receptionist tell her she was wanted on the phone. She only looked over when the girl whistled and pointed to it. She turned to the hairdresser next to her.

  “Would you mind pulling Mrs. Brown’s hair out?”

  Mrs. Brown grinned. “I like to pull out my own.”

  Dahlia smiled. “I’ll be right back.” She crossed the salon floor.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi honey. I’m sorry to call you at work.”

  “That’s okay. What’s up?”

  “I’m in a real bind. I can’t get to the airport to pick up Aunt Hildy and apparently everyone I know and love can’t pick her up either and I’m desperate…”

  “Sure, I can do it. Slater won’t mind. What time?”

  There was silence on the other end.

  “Mom?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m momentarily stunned. I can’t believe someone said yes.”

  “It’s no problem. I want her to meet Slater anyway. The sooner the better.”

  More dead air.

  “Mom?”

  “Sorry. Can you be there by five? It’s the flight from London.

  Air Canada.”

  “Yeah sure. No problem.”

  “Thanks, honey. I hope to be home by the time you guys get there. Tell Aunt Hildy I’m sorry I was delayed.”

  “Will do.”

  “And Dahlia?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Is your sister involved with someone named Habib?”

  “Habib? You’re kidding? How exciting! When did this happen? Why didn’t she tell me…”

  “Never mind, dear. I’ve got to go. Thanks again.”

  “See ya.”

  Dahlia hung up and went to the back of the salon, where the massage cubicles were. She popped her head in the first one and saw Slater organizing his room, piling clean towels for the next day’s clients. He whistled under his breath and it made her smile. Her friends assumed it was his body that made Dahlia swoon, but that was only part of it. How could she not love someone who was so cheerful all the time?

  He turned around and noticed her in the doorway. He threw her a thousand-watt smile. “Hey baby…you finished?”

  “No. I still have Mrs. Brown. But once I’m done, Mom asked if we could go to the airport to pick up Aunt Hildy.”

  “Groovy baby, yeah.”

  Dahlia went up to him and gave him a big kiss. “You’re so sweet. I can’t wait for her to meet you. She’ll love you as much as I do.”

  “Cool.”

  “And guess what? Lily’s involved with some Arab guy.”

  “Far out, man.”

  They searched among the faces of those coming through customs.

  “What’s she look like?”

  “She’s…hard to describe.”

  “Hey, babe. Look at that old crone. The one carrying a head or something.”

  Dahlia got up on her tiptoes to see. The crowd parted to reveal Aunt Hildy in all her glory.

  Her African costume was so colourful, it made her look like a stooped peacock, but the headdress did give her the illusion of height. Nike running shoes completed the outfit. She was even more wrinkly than Dahlia remembered. Her mom told her it was from years spent under the desert sun. Aunt Hildy, an archaeologist and a complete renegade, pooh-poohed the idea of sunscreen, saying it smacked of feminine whimsy.

  “Aunt Hildy!”

  Hildy looked around. Dahlia ran up to her. “Hi Aunt Hildy. It’s me, Dahlia.”

  “Dahlia?”

  “Yes. Elsie’s daughter.”

  “Oh yes, of course. Such a silly name. Were you conceived in the back garden?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “You must have been with a name like that.”

  “Lily too.”

  “Who’s Lily when she’s at home?”

  “My sister, remember?”

  “Merciful heavens. I’d forgotten. You may kiss me.”

  Dahlia leaned over and gave Aunt Hildy a kiss. Her cheek was incredibly soft, considering it looked like a piece of chewed leather. And she smelled like the outdoors. Not a fresh laundry detergent outdoors, but a musky, dusty, wild outdoors. She smelled of smoke and leaves and sunshine. Dahlia hugged her so she could keep her nose pressed against her skin. She wanted to cry and she had no idea why.

  “Dear heavens, child, what a reception.” Aunt Hildy held her at arm’s length. “How old are you now? Fourteen, if I remember correctly…Great Scott. Who’s this incredible specimen?”

  She jerked her head toward Slater, who hovered close by.

  Dahlia grabbed his arm and pulled him over. “This is my fiancé, Slater Peach.”

  “You’re marrying a large fruit at the age of fourteen? How interesting. You may kiss me too.”

  “Welcome home Aunt Hildy.” Slater reached over, grabbed her around the waist and lifted her off the ground, giving her a big hug before placing her gently back on the floor.

  “Where were you when I was hiking in the Himalayas? You would have come in handy.”

  “Cool, man.”

  “I find it distressing that you think I’m a man, young man.”

  “He didn’t mean you’re a man, Aunt Hildy, it’s just something everybody says now.”

  “I will never say it, so that’s an inaccurate statement. Perhaps Mr. Peach will be so kind as to hold my belongings. I’m rather tired.”

  “Hey, no prob Mrs. …” Slater looked to Dahlia for a clue.

  “C…C for Chamberlin.”

  “No prob, Mrs. C.”

  “Mrs. C” held her baggage closer to her heart. “Unless you address me as Miss Chamberlin or Aunt Hildy, I will not acknowledge your existence. Is that clear?”

  “Sure. Yeah.”

  She waited.


  “Ah. Sure Aunt Hildy. Whatever you say.”

  She thrust her belongings at him.

  Dahlia thought about it. “Why aren’t you called Hildy Macdonald like the rest of the family?”

  “Chamberlin was my mother’s maiden name. I have my reasons for disowning my family name and someday I may tell you about them, but not here. Come and take my arm, I’m starting to fade.”

  They walked to the luggage carousel, where Aunt Hildy’s bags stood out from the rest. Hers were enormous old leather valises, completely battered and fastened with belts. No hidden handles or rollers on these babies. Slater heaved them off the carousel and piled everything into a baggage cart.

  “I’ll go get the car.” He sprinted off.

  “I’m not sure about his brains but his bum is quite something.”

  Dahlia hit her lightly on the arm. “Aunt Hildy, you’re awful.”

  They walked slowly through the throng. “Not awful my dear…just honest. Now tell me, what does this boy of yours do for a living?”

  “He’s a massage therapist.”

  “At a brothel?”

  “Of course not. At the place where I work.”

  “Please don’t tell me you work at a massage parlour.”

  “I’m a hairdresser.”

  “Quite. And what does the other flower do?”

  “She wants to be a shrink.”

  “A shrinking Violet. How quaint.”

  “Her name’s Lily.”

  “Oh yes. I forgot. And what does your mother think of you marrying at fourteen? If you were mine, I’d beat you with a stick.”

  “I’m twenty. Almost twenty-one.”

  Aunt Hildy stopped and looked her up and down. “Are you quite sure?”

  “Quite.”

  “Oh, well, that’s all right then. By the time I was twenty, I had just about that many lovers.”

  “Really? How exciting!” Dahlia laughed. “I think Lily’s having an affair with a sheik.”

  “How nice. I’ve met a few of them in my day. Lovely chaps. Always trying to give you things.”

  They pressed on, taking their time, oblivious to the glances being thrown their way. Suddenly Aunt Hildy spoke quite sharply.

  “Where’s your mother anyway? I expected her to be here.”