Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  “She’s stuck in a meeting.”

  “Is she still trying to save the world?”

  “Yes.”

  “And is she successful?”

  “No.”

  “Useless occupation then, isn’t it?”

  Dahlia agreed with her, but out of loyalty said, “Mom’s very good at her job. She helps a lot of people.”

  “Admirable, I’m sure. But a chronic do-gooder is the first to die a slow and painful death.”

  Dahlia wasn’t sure how she should respond to that, so she kept quiet.

  “I’m afraid to ask how Juliet and Faith are. They always were a handful for my poor sister.”

  “They’re as weird as ever. Faith is writing a novel in our attic and Juliet spends her days buying designer clothes for her little dog.”

  “How positively revolting.”

  They eventually made it to the entrance where Slater waited with his souped-up Mustang. The trunk was ajar, tied together with a rope.

  “How is this going to work? You’ll need a crane to get me into that front seat. Camels I can do. Sports cars, I’m not so sure.”

  “Dee, you crawl in the back and I’ll lift her into the front seat.”

  Dahlia scrambled in.

  Hildy remained unconvinced. “I’m not a piece of furniture you can toss into…”

  “Get a move on lady, you’re holding up traffic,” a taxi driver yelled from the lineup behind them.

  She turned and marched over to his cab. “What’s your number, you impertinent oaf? I’ll see you’re fired on the spot…”

  “Let’s go, Aunt Hildy.” Slater scooped her in his arms and placed her firmly in the passenger seat, before he ran around and jumped behind the wheel. They laid rubber as they left the airport behind.

  Hildy adjusted her headpiece. “Well, I never.”

  The endless meeting finally came to a close. Elsie raced back to her office, grabbed her things, and took the cupcake Crystal handed her as she flew by her desk.

  “Thanks!”

  Crystal waved her goodbye. “Have fun tonight.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  She didn’t dare wait for the elevator, choosing instead to run down four flights of stairs. The cupcake was gone by the time she left the QEII. Throwing files into the back seat of the car, she peeled out of the parking lot onto University Avenue and made her way to the Superstore in the middle of five o’clock traffic.

  What vegetarian dish could she serve Aunt Hildy for dinner? Maybe she’d settle for a cheese pizza, but somehow Elsie doubted it. She had to pull down the visor while she waited at a red light because the late afternoon sun shone directly into her eyes. She loved these early September evenings, when the air was cool and refreshing, but not when she was rendered blind at the intersection.

  Time was of the essence, so Elsie galloped into the store and headed straight for the bakery. She grabbed two whole wheat baguettes and then marched directly to the frozen food section, throwing a large vegetable lasagna, two McCain Deep and Delicious Chocolate Cakes and a carton of Breyer’s Vanilla ice cream into her cart. Dinner was served.

  When Elsie got home, she struggled out of the car with the groceries and pushed the door shut with her hip. The cats were turning themselves inside out along the driveway while Flower drooled on her shoes as a sign of her deep affection.

  “You guys hungry?”

  “Yoo hoo. Elsie!”

  Elsie turned and smiled at her crazy old neighbour, who waved frantically from the porch next door.

  “Hey, Mrs. Noseworthy. How was your day?”

  “Terrible. Terrible. Someone stole two of my cucumbers. Can you imagine the nerve?”

  “Oh dear. Two?”

  She shook her tiny wrinkled face. “Yes. I had thirty yesterday morning and today I have twenty-eight.”

  “What did you have for supper last night?”

  “Cucumber salad. Why?”

  “No reason. I have two I can spare. Shall I bring them over later?”

  Her crinkly friend clapped her hands. “You’re a sweet girl, Elsie. A sweet girl.”

  “I better go, Mrs. Noseworthy, my arms are falling off.”

  Elsie grappled with her keys at the back door while twenty furry paws surrounded her ankles. Once the door opened, Flower and her feline friends charged in. Elsie threw everything on the kitchen table since the counter was crowded with breakfast dishes. She shrugged off her jacket and fed the critters, then ran upstairs, opened the attic door and waved away the cloud of smoke that billowed out.

  “Can you come down and help me get dinner ready? I’m running late. Aunt Hildy should be here any minute.”

  “Aunt Hildy can kiss my big fat…”

  Elsie slammed the door. It wasn’t worth it. She tore off her clothes, threw water on her face and put on a pair of old jeans. Then back downstairs to empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, set the table, turn the oven on and look for a dining room tablecloth that wasn’t stained.

  The back door slammed and she jumped. They were here already?

  But it was Lily, looking very unhappy. Elsie went over and gave her a kiss. Lily held on for dear life.

  “Did you have a hard day, sweetie?”

  “You have no idea.”

  “What’s wrong? It’s not that Arab boy, is it? Trust me, sweetheart. No man is worth it.”

  She lifted her face off her mother’s chest. “Are you on drugs?”

  “I wish.”

  Lily snuggled into her arms again. “I take it you’re referring to Habib?”

  “Have you known him long?”

  “About three hours.”

  Elsie pushed her away with her arms. “My God. You can’t be in love with someone after three hours.”

  Lily’s jaw dropped. “In love? The guy hates my guts. After the nurse put his arm in a sling, he said if he ever saw me again, he’d have me committed.”

  “Goodness.”

  She started to bawl. “I seem to get that response from every male I come across.”

  Elsie pulled her back and hugged her. “Don’t be silly, Lily. You’re a perfectly wonderful girl. There must be a million guys just dying to meet you.”

  “They’re dying all right.”

  Just then a horn blared in the distance.

  “What’s that?” Lily sniffed.

  Elsie ran to the kitchen window just in time to see Slater’s red Mustang round the corner and careen up the street.

  “Oh God. She’s here.”

  Chapter Four

  Elsie had nine for supper that night. It didn’t surprise her. Everything about her life was out of control these days: her marriage, her children, her relatives and now her dinner table.

  Lily ran upstairs to repair her blotchy face while Elsie watched from the window as the kids got Aunt Hildy out of the car and escorted her up the back stairs. They were laughing, which was odd. She was sure Aunt Hildy would be hitting Slater with her umbrella by now.

  Hildy teetered into the kitchen. “Elsie dear. Come and kiss me and tell me why you look like a wet noodle.”

  “Perhaps it’s because I’m cooking lasagna for dinner,” Elsie said diplomatically. She kissed her. “You look marvellous. How was your flight?”

  Hildy put down her carpet bag. “Frightful.”

  “Turbulence?”

  She pulled off her turban. “The water was undrinkable. And the service. If I didn’t know better I’d say the flight attendant had a mood disorder. You’d think they’d weed out that sort, now that flying is such an iffy business.”

  Elsie smiled in spite of herself. Aunt Hildy’s wispy pure white hair was a swirl of fluff around her head. As her bony, blue-veined hands swept over her hair in an attempt to tame it, Elsie’s eyes suddenly watered. This woman seemed so tiny and faded. It was hard to believe such a huge life force was now contained in this vulnerable package.

  Elsie blinked back her tears. “Would you like to go upstairs and change?”

 
“Into what, my dear?”

  Slater grinned. “Far out. You rock.”

  “Yes, Peaches, I’ve rocked plenty in my lifetime. I’m sure I’ve sifted through tons of rocks in the course of my career. I’ve unearthed a few unexpected gems too. I have a feeling I’m looking at one right now.”

  Slater beamed at her and looked around the kitchen. “Where?”

  “Perhaps not.”

  Peaches? She must be hallucinating out of pure exhaustion. “Come and sit, dear. I’ll pour you a lemonade.”

  Hildy made her way to the rocking chair by the window. “Make sure you put plenty of gin in it.”

  Slater threw his hands on his head. “You drink? Wicked! Did you hear that, Dee?”

  Dahlia nodded and looked impressed.

  “Of course I drink. You’re a fool if you don’t. Hang onto your hat, but I’ve even smoked up on a few occasions. Bedouin tribesmen can be a pretty persuasive lot.”

  “Awesome.”

  Elsie shouted, “Slater, will you please go get Aunt Hildy’s bags out of the car and take them upstairs.”

  “Okay…sure.” He left in a hurry.

  Both Dahlia and Aunt Hildy gave Elsie a quick look, so she turned around and went to get the gin. She retrieved the ice cubes and slammed the tray on the counter to loosen them. It felt good, so she did it again. She mixed the drink, threw the spoon into the sink with a clatter, and nailed a smile on her face before emerging from the pantry.

  Elsie passed her the drink. “Here you are.”

  “Thank you my dear. So. When are the others coming?”

  “Others?”

  “Your sisters. I assume you invited them for dinner. A welcoming committee, as it were.”

  Elsie’s pulse raced. She never even thought of that. The matriarch comes back from overseas for the first time in years and Elsie’s efforts involved throwing a frozen dinner in the oven. If her mother were alive, she’d be mortified. She had to do something.

  “Of course,” she smiled. “They’ll be along in about an hour. I believe Robert had an important meeting today. That’s why they aren’t here at the moment.”

  Slater came into the kitchen carrying all the bags at once. “Where to, Mrs. B?”

  “Take them to Lily’s room, please.”

  “Righto,” he said cheerfully. And out the door he went.

  Elsie looked around and saw Aunt Hildy’s carpet bag. “Just a minute. You can take this too.”

  She dashed out the kitchen door, grabbed Slater’s arm and whispered, “Tell Lily and Faith to get their fannies down here now. Faith’s to call Juliet, and make sure she and Robert come over for dinner, pronto. It’s very important they be here.”

  “Got it.” He turned to go but she held on to him.

  “And I want Juliet to go to the liquor store and pick up some champagne and liqueur.”

  “Right.” He tried to leave but she grabbed him a third time.

  “And tell them to run to the florist and buy a bouquet of flowers on their way over.”

  In her panic, she didn’t notice the beads of sweat along Slater’s upper lip.

  “Okay.” He started up the stairs with the luggage.

  “One more thing.”

  Slater slowly turned around.

  “Juliet needs to bring some more vegetable lasagna. If everyone’s coming, I won’t have enough.”

  Slater nodded and climbed only one stair. “And Slater?”

  He stopped but didn’t turn around.

  “Thanks, honey.”

  He looked at her and smiled. “Anything for you, Mrs. B.” And he was gone.

  Elsie dashed back to the kitchen.

  “Do you always run like a chicken with its head cut off?” Hildy asked.

  Dahlia, who sat hugging her knees on a kitchen chair, nodded. “Oh, she does. Don’t you Mom?”

  Elsie was stung. “I try very hard not too, but sometimes things come up out of the blue. You know how it is.”

  Hildy took a large swallow of her drink. “Actually, I don’t. Life is not something that needs to be tamed. It’s messy. Always was, always will be.”

  Elsie stood by the window and gazed at nothing. “That may be true. But I’m sure it’s different when you’re a single woman with no family responsibilities. You don’t have to answer to anyone.”

  “Of course I do.”

  Elsie looked at her. “Who?”

  “Me.”

  Just then Graham’s van pulled into the driveway. He hopped out and started for the side entrance.

  Dahlia’s voice sounded unnaturally high. “Daddy’s home.”

  Hildy looked out the window. “Goodness me. That boy never changes…always was a handsome devil.”

  And before Elsie could stop her, she leaned over and rapped on the glass. Elsie saw Graham give a startled jump and look up as Hildy gestured for him to come inside.

  Elsie’s stomach churned—Aunt Hildy didn’t know about the separation. This was something else that needed to be revealed. Maybe she could waylay him, but it was too late. Graham came through the back door.

  “Hi Daddy,” Dahlia squeaked. “How was your day?”

  “Fine. Just fine. Well, hello Aunt Hildy.” He crossed the kitchen to bend down and give her a peck on the cheek.

  “Hello yourself. I see you’re still slopping about in sewage.”

  “Just lucky I guess.” He smiled and rattled the change in his pocket. He finally turned to Elsie. “Is there a beer in the fridge?”

  Oh, good thinking. “Yes. I’ll get it for you.”

  “No, no, that’s okay. I’ll get it,” he said in a hurry. Once he had the can in his hand, he stood in the middle of the kitchen, looking uneasy.

  Elsie glanced at the stove. “We’re having vegetable lasagna for dinner tonight, Graham. Your favourite.”

  “My favourite?”

  “Yes, don’t you remember?” Elsie gave him a wide-eyed look.

  “Right. Can’t wait.” He took a large swig of beer and turned back to their visitor. “I hope you’re well, Aunt Hildy.”

  “Really? I always thought you couldn’t wait for me to cash in my chips.”

  “I’ve waited a long time, but you’re just too stubborn to die,” he chuckled.

  Hildy held her glass in the air as if to toast herself. “You’re so right.”

  While Graham and Aunt Hildy taunted each other, Elsie took the opportunity to grab Dahlia by the arm and lead her into the dining room.

  “Dee, be a sweetie and take these dishes off the table and reset it with the good stuff.”

  “And just where would the good stuff be? I’ve never seen the good stuff.”

  “Are you joking? You’ve never seen it?”

  “No.”

  Elsie sighed. “I need a life.”

  “Mom, this is silly. Is all this really necessary? Aunt Hildy seems pretty laid back to me. She’s not as scary as she used to be.”

  “Don’t let her fool you. She’s a charming fox.”

  Dahlia shrugged. “Well, she likes Slater, and if she likes Slater then she’s okay by me.”

  “That is so weird,” Elsie said under her breath.

  “Pardon?”

  “Nothing. Hurry now.”

  “Do you have any idea how much this evening has cost me?” Juliet griped to Elsie in the pantry.

  “Well, why on earth did you buy so much liquor?” Elsie took a bottle of rum out of the paper bag. “What else is in here?” She picked through the parcel. “Vodka. Whiskey. Vermouth?”

  “Faith said to get liquor. She didn’t say what kind.”

  “Liquor? I said liqueur.”

  Juliet opened a jar of maraschino cherries and stuck her fingers in. She pulled two out and popped them in her mouth. While she chewed, she said, “Well, don’t blame me. That bonehead son-in-law of yours told Faith liquor. Speaking of boneheads, do you mind telling me why you’ve dragged all of us to a love-fest for the world’s most irritating old broad?”

 
“Jules, will you just shut up and go play nice? If for no other reason than to hone your social skills.”

  Juliet sucked her fingers. “They’re wasted on Aunt Hildy. She’s got a hide like a rhino. She wouldn’t know repartee if it jumped up and bit her on the ass.”

  Faith joined them, holding cigarette ashes in the palm of her hand. “There’s something sinister about people who don’t own an ashtray.” She threw her ashes in the sink.

  Elsie let out a screech. “Fay…you idiot! My lettuce is in there.”

  “Crikey…have a fit why don’t you. It’ll wash off.” She reached in the sink to retrieve the dusty romaine hearts, but Elsie grabbed her shoulder.

  “Go away.” She pushed Faith right out the door.

  Juliet gave her a filthy look. “You asked us here to help and now you’re kicking us out? Are you off your nut?”

  Brandishing a vegetable peeler in Juliet’s face, Elsie said, “If you value your life, you will go in that living room and entertain Aunt Hildy until dinner is served.”

  “I can’t believe you have a career dealing with the public,” Juliet huffed over her shoulder before joining Faith in the deserted kitchen.

  She pointed her thumb at the pantry. “Can you believe that?”

  Faith shrugged her shoulders. “She wants to kill Aunt Hildy. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

  Juliet gave a grunt. “I know I want to kill her, but you don’t see me being rude.”

  “SHHH. She’s in the living room.”

  “Who cares? She doesn’t scare me.”

  Faith looked at her. “She should.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “She’s rich and she’s old and she can leave her money to whoever she wants. Put on a happy face and you may get some.”

  Juliet adjusted her skirt. “Sometimes I forget you’re not stupid.”

  “Charming.”

  “Let’s go butter up the old girl.”

  At last the family gathered around the massive dining room table. It was a far cry from the original effort Elsie had thrown together. The table looked beautiful with its Irish linen tablecloth, lit candles and flower centrepiece. Elsie’s heirloom Spode china and Waterford crystal adorned the table and shone in the light of the large chandelier and a roaring fire.

  When Graham sat down at the head of the table, Robert leaned over to Juliet. Elsie heard him whisper, “What’s up with this?”