Strawberry Wine

by Darly Jamison

  We followed the path for a while without saying a word and I couldn’t help but travel down memory lane, remembering all the times we’d walked there before, spending time together under the warm Georgia sun, falling in love. “I’m sorry about your engagement,” I finally said, staring up at him. “I was out of line at the restaurant and I apologize. Guess maybe I did have a little too much to drink.”

  Jake walked beside me, his arm occasionally brushing against mine, sending a shiver up my skin with each feathery touch. He looked off into the field, his eyes squinting in the setting sun. “No apology necessary. You’re right. I won’t commit. I’ve tried to, but something always holds me back.” He turned and looked at me, his eyes intense as they bored into mine.

  My breath caught just a little and my heart started beating faster than it should have. “Why do you think that is?” Silently, I waited to hear the words I’d dreamed of hearing so many times in my dreams. The words I would have given anything for.

  He hesitated a moment before answering, and when he did his voice was thick with emotion. “I think I’ve been carrying around this illusion of love. I’ve tried to recreate what I felt once before, but it’s never quite the same; it just doesn’t match. I always find something wrong with her, or the relationship—or even me. I keep waiting for that feeling, only it never comes.” He paused. “There was something that kept a distance between me and Tamara, something that keeps a distance between me and any woman I get close to.” Jake reached over and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes against the whisper of his fingers grazing my cheek. How many times had I silently urged him to do that? How was it possible that one simple gesture could make me feel the way it did? Fulfilled, electrified . . . alive. When I opened my eyes, he was staring at me. “You’re a hard woman to get over, Addison.”

  I swallowed hard, consumed by the guilt I’d been holding on to for years. What woman in her right mind would leave this kind of man? “Jake—I’m so sorry, I—”

  “It’s all right, Addison, you don’t need to apologize,” he interrupted, not allowing me to rehash my regret. “I understand why you did what you did. I mean, it took me a while to realize it, but eventually I figured it out.” Jake looked straight ahead, the muscle in his jaw straining against his skin.

  “Why didn’t you ever call me? Why didn’t you at least try to make me see?”

  He sighed, looking as if he was gathering his thoughts. “It wasn’t my place. You needed to make that decision on your own, I couldn’t make it for you. I just hoped in time you’d realize what you were doing and you’d get in touch with me. When you didn’t, I had to move on.”

  I lowered my head, ashamed. “A couple of weeks after we last saw each other, I did realize what I’d done—what I threw away. Nothing was the same without you, I was miserable. I called your aunt and uncle’s house, but it was too late. You’d already left town.”

  Jake stopped walking and turned to face me. “You called my aunt and uncle’s house? They never said anything.”

  “I asked them not to. I figured it was a sign that you were better off where you were and I shouldn’t interfere.”

  His eyebrows wrinkled with confusion. “But why did you call them? Why didn’t you call me?”

  My breathing became shallow as his eyes pressed into mine, searching for answers he’d waited ten years for. “I was afraid. I was afraid you’d turn me away after what I’d done. And I couldn’t take that. I couldn’t stand the thought of you breaking my heart.” I averted my eyes, embarrassed by my confession.

  Jake caught the edge of my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Addison, I could never turn you away. Didn’t you know how much I loved you?”

  My throat was so tight, but I managed a nod. God, his eyes! They were so blue and profound as they drilled into mine. My heart plummeted as I fought for control.

  “I’d never felt that way about anyone before, not the way I felt about you. And I’ve not felt that way about anyone since. I’ve tried to tell myself I’m being ridiculous, that what we had was just young love, but my heart refuses to believe what my head tries to tell it.” Jake looked off into the distance for a moment, then turned his gaze back to me.

  “When we met, I felt like we had this immediate connection, and the thing is—I wasn’t even looking for it. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. Which is the reason why I knew it had to be real. When I told you I loved you, I really meant it. I’d never said that to another girl before.”

  My stomach dipped and then tangled into a thousand tiny knots. Whether he knew it or not, Jake had a hold on me—just like he did the first time we’d met—it was as if time and distance had never separated us. The chemistry we had all those years before, it was still there, and I knew he felt it, too.

  “I loved you,” I finally said, surprising myself by opening up. “I had never let a guy get that close to me before, but you were different. My feelings for you that summer . . . they scared me. And then knowing you were only going to be in town for a short while before heading back to school and the swim team, and the . . . girls.” I paused, shaking my head. “I couldn’t compete with that.”

  “You didn’t have to compete with that. There was nothing in the world more important than you.”

  I let out a slow, ragged breath. Why had I been so stubborn? Why couldn’t I have just accepted what we had was real, that maybe it could have lasted? Why hadn’t I listened to Mags? If I had, who knew what our lives would be like now. “I’m so sorry. How can you not hate me?”

  Jake shook his head and gathered me in his arms. “I could never hate you, Addison.”

  Silence fell between us as we stood holding one another, the evening song of cicadas carrying across the soft breeze. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the pain that was making its way across my chest. There was a time when he’d held my heart in the palm of his hand, and when he returned to Texas he had taken a piece of it with him. It was obvious to me now that I’d never gotten it back.

  He pulled away, and in the fragile light of dusk, our eyes met. Without another word we began to walk again, the dirt path crunching beneath our feet. Jake reached for my hand and our fingers entwined, just as they had done so many years before. A slow tingle began at my toes and made its way up the length of my body, mixing inside my head until I couldn’t think straight. How long had it been since I’d held hands with a man? That was something Christopher and I never did—I’m not really sure why. Holding Jake’s hand now felt good, it felt natural, but most of all, it felt right.

  As the path began to wind down our pace slowed, turning into a gradual shuffle. Don’t let this get out of control. You have a fiancé at home waiting for you. My eyes traveled across the jeweled tones of the sky as the sun descended below the horizon, contemplating the situation I was in. Yet no matter how rational I tried to be, the feeling of Jake’s body so close to mine was all it took to stir up the memory of him, of kissing him, of touching him . . . When my gaze drifted forward, it settled on the spot where I knew we’d end up.

  The barn.

  With the red sun declining in the darkening sky, my heart nearly stood still when we entered the building. Jake held the door open, inviting me inside. He turned on a light and I watched as he made his way to an empty horse stall, his hand curving over the edge of the gate.

  With him standing there like that, wearing those boots, it threw me back to a certain afternoon we’d spent there, and a shiver of sexual awareness prickled its way up my spine. With his back to me, my eyes roamed around the curves of his body, lingering longer in all the right places. If he wasn’t the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen . . .

  “Where are the horses?” he asked, interrupting my fantasies.

  I sucked in a sharp breath, praying he hadn’t felt my eyes secretly molesting him. “Gramps had a new barn built a few years back. It’s just a little ways down on the other side of the farmhouse. That’s where the horses stay. They store equipmen
t in here now.”

  Jake nodded his head as his gaze moved around the barn, finally landing on the hayloft above. The corner of his mouth lifted into a slow smile, and when he turned to look at me, his eyes were full of mischief. “Remember that afternoon we spent up there?”

  Did I remember? Oh yeah, I remembered. How could I possibly forget? I nodded as a rush of heat made its way through my body, stirring up tingles in well-hidden places. With any luck, the dim light from the bulbs had concealed the inappropriate thoughts filtering through my mind.

  “Do you mind if I take a peek?” he asked, cocking his head toward the ladder.

  Visions of Jake climbing into the loft ten years before swam before me. “Not at all.”

  He took long strides, crossing the room quickly. He moved seamlessly, swinging his leg onto the ladder with the grace of a man who’d done it a thousand times before. As he pulled himself up a couple of rungs, his biceps flexed against the sleeves of his shirt. “Are you coming up?” he asked, looking down at me.

  My body thrummed with a feeling I was embarrassed to admit, even to myself. The sleepy memory of our time spent in that loft had been awakened and was having a reckless effect on my good judgment. I kicked off my dress shoes and moved forward, following him up the ladder. When he reached the top, he offered his hand to help me up the rest of the way.

  “How’s your ankle?” he asked with an easy grin, the dimple in his cheek playing peek-a-boo in the faint light drifting up.

  “It’s fine, thanks.”

  Jake reached overhead and pulled a thin chain, allowing a soft glow to illuminate the loft. With bare feet, I crossed the floor and sat down, folding my dress underneath me. I let my feet dangle over the edge of the open hay drop, and stared up at the blackening sky above.

  The moon was full and round as it hovered brightly behind a distant tree line, and a silky breeze wafted over the pasture. I heard Jake behind me, the heels of his boots clicking softly against the wooden planks and strands of hay.

  After a while, he sat down next to me and we watched as the final rays of sunlight disappeared behind the rolling foothills. “This brings back a lot of memories,” he finally said, breaking the silence. “A lot of really good memories. That was an amazing summer.”

  I caught his gaze and held it. “It was a great summer. Probably the best summer of my life.”

  For the next half hour we revisited those months, laughing easily over the good times we’d shared. We retraced our steps up until the point where the memories became cluttered by heartbreak. The night slowly grew darker and the stars blazed brightly overhead, like a wave of sparkling crystals across the ebony sky.

  “I used to love saying things that made you blush,” he said, a lazy smile inching its way across his face, making my pulse race just a little faster. “You were so easy to get worked up.”

  “And you were so charming,” I laughed lightly, catching my hair as it fell against my cheek. I removed the messy knot I had made earlier and ran my fingers through the waves until they poured over my shoulders. “You still are.”

  His eyes met mine and held them, refusing to let go. “I know. It’s sort of a curse,” he teased quietly, the look on his face saying more than words ever could. Jake leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows, his gaze sweeping across the vast field in front of us. “Do you think you’ll be ready for tomorrow?”

  My breath released slowly. It was a topic I had pushed out of my mind. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to say good-bye.” Suddenly, my eyes brimmed with tears and my breathing grew rapid. I turned away, not wanting him to see me cry.

  Jake sat up and put his arm around me, pulling me into his chest. “I’m sorry, Addison,” he whispered into my hair. “I am so sorry this has happened.”

  Unexpectedly, my chest tightened and all the times I’d thought of Jake over the years swirled together, creating one big, heavy mass. The heat of our bodies together felt so right, and I began to tremble with need and longing.

  Lifting my head off his chest, I looked into his eyes and felt the years that had separated us melt away. Jake lifted his hand and cupped my cheek, then rested his forehead against mine. I felt his breath punch out of him in quick, little bursts and I pushed all thoughts of what was right and wrong out of the way.

  My heart was pounding as I straddled his lap, drinking in the desire I saw burning in his eyes. Jake grabbed my hips and pulled me in closer, then lifted his hands to my face as long waves of my hair tangled intimately between his fingers. When he whispered my name I almost came undone, every inch of me wanting to experience more. I pressed into him, desperate to feel the strength and comfort of his body against mine. He tugged gently at my hair, exposing my neck, and the heat of his breath skimmed across my fevered skin. I waited to feel his lips devouring me the same way they’d done before, but they never came. I pulled back, my eyes searching his. The moment was right, it felt so right, he had to feel it, too. Didn’t he?

  Jake opened his mouth and let out a soft breath, hesitating slightly before bringing his lips to mine. The kiss was soft and tender, almost timid, as if we were kissing again for the very first time. His hands dropped to my waist as mine slid through his dark waves and our embrace intensified, causing a series of vibrations to move through my body. I opened my mouth, inviting his tongue inside. Our tongues probed against one another, teasing and enticing, until a pool of warmth gathered low in my stomach.

  I melted into him, clinging to his body as if I’d never let go. And in that moment, I never wanted to. Not ever again. Our hips rolled together as his lips moved lower, lower, over the curves of my shoulder. My body went limp, surrendering wholeheartedly to a deep-seated desire.

  When one hand moved slowly from my waist, inching its way up to the fullest part of my breast, a spark jolted through me, electrifying and delicious. I threw my head back, a tiny gasp escaping my mouth from the sudden charge. I hadn’t expected this to happen, it was never the plan, but now that it had, there was no turning back. I needed Jake in the same way I needed blood in my veins and breath in my lungs. I needed him the same way I knew he needed me.

  His lips moved up over my collarbone, brushing against the tender hollow below my ear, and my body ached, thinking of his mouth ravishing the rest of me. I wanted him, more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life.

  My breath rushed in and out as his tongue made slow, excruciating strokes along the arc of my jaw, leaving me dizzy with the memory of him from so long ago. Then his mouth found mine once more and he kissed me, wet and deep, tasting me in a way I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. When I caught his lower lip between my teeth, a deep sound of approval rumbled in the back of his throat, sending a rush of molten lava through my veins.

  And then without warning, he stopped. Jake pulled away, his breath ragged as he dragged his lips from mine.

  Oh no, no, no! Confusion consumed me and I swallowed a plea, my body screaming, crying out for his touch. But when I looked into his eyes I knew something had changed. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking but his gaze blazed with intensity, differently than before.

  Jake shook his head, his expression apologetic. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

  My breath caught in my throat, threatening to choke the life out of me. “What do you mean?” I whispered, unable to fill my lungs with air.

  “Addison,” he began, his eyes locking with mine. “I don’t want to complicate things for you.”

  My shoulders slumped forward with the blow of rejection. I shook my head, desperate for him to understand. “Things are already complicated.”

  “I gathered that.” He averted his eyes, his breathing still heavy. “It’s natural to want to feel intimacy after the death of a loved one, but that doesn’t make what we’re doing right. You’re in a dark place right now, you’re vulnerable, and the man you’re in love with isn’t here with you—but I am.” Jake looked back at me, his deep, sapphire eyes pleading. “
As much as I want to be with you, this can’t happen. I will not take advantage of you like this.”

  I leaned back as humiliation sank deep into me.

  “Come on,” he said quietly. “I’ll take you home.”

  My knees wobbled as we walked back to my parents’ house, and Jake’s words played over and over in my mind. “You’re in a dark place right now, you’re vulnerable, and the man you’re in love with isn’t here with you—but I am.” Yet I wasn’t convinced that what he said was true. What if the man I loved was standing right here next to me? Maybe I’d been in love with him the whole time. Or maybe I was falling in love with him all over again. I didn’t know. Could it be possible?

  When we arrived on the front porch, Jake waited patiently while I took out my key and unlocked the door, opening it to the dark, empty house. He leaned forward, his hand traveling along the wall until it found a switch. Then he flipped it up, filling the room with light. Moving back, he stared at me, his expression softening. “I’m really sorry,” he repeated. When he came closer, his hand gently grasped the back of my head and he planted a tender kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I stood on the porch, my insides tingling with a mixture of emotions. With everything inside me I knew Jake was right. I had no business being there with him; I was engaged. And yet being together had felt so perfect.

  The night was soft and dark and the stars blazed brightly lighting up the sky, a spectacular view I couldn’t find in the city. But I couldn’t appreciate it. All I could think of as I watched Jake’s truck disappear from sight was that we weren’t finished.

  Not even close.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  When the first rays of sunlight trickled in through my window, I’d already been awake for hours staring at my ceiling, rehashing the events of the previous day. Jake Grady was the last person in the world I imagined running into. As many times as I had thought about him over the years, there was never a moment he was further away from my mind.