Touch Slowly (Red Light: Silver Girls series)

by Kayn, Debra

  "That I'd leave you?" he slurred.

  She nodded and looked away. "Working for the Network was never about sex. It was all about finding myself, and unfortunately, it wasn't until I met you that I learned how to love myself and believe I deserved happiness, too, and I took what little time I had believing you'd never leave me. That you would allow me to be me and stay, no matter how awful I treated you."

  Several people walked past them, glancing their way out of curiosity. She ducked her chin, knowing the tears she'd held back were on the brink of falling over her lashes.

  "Nova-girl," whispered Emmett, putting his hand on her lower back.

  Her body seized, and she flinched. She couldn't take anymore tonight. Open and raw from the discussion, she moved away from him and went back into the trailer. To the same bedspread that held her tears when life became too tough to handle on her own.

  Chapter Thirty One

  A car door slammed. Emmett rolled off the couch and stumbled to the window. Half asleep, he hooked the blind with his finger and looked out. Relief shocked him awake.

  Nova stood outside Caren's yellow burgundy mini-van. His cock hardened with his thundering pulse. He'd thought she'd left.

  For two days, he hadn't seen Nova milling around Nick's trailer or her walking the loop through the trailer park with Shayla.

  Too pissed off at the world, he refused to ask Nick where she'd gone or if she hid in the trailer. It took all his energy to go to work, come home, drink himself stupid to forget what she'd told him, and crash for a couple of hours before starting his routine over again.

  After coming home tonight and seeing Shayla take off by herself with no sign of Nova, he skipped the drink and went straight to sleep on the couch. He couldn't face going outside and having everyone gather around him as if nothing had changed.

  Everything had fucking changed.

  Nothing brought him pleasure.

  Not the auto parts store, not his friends, and not knowing Nova stayed next door, and he'd made the choice to leave her.

  His forehead fell forward, and he caught himself before he banged into the window. The second she explained the reason why she worked as a prostitute he wanted to go back and change the way he'd handled hearing the truth.

  All he could see in his head was men touching Nova, taking advantage of her, treating her less than a three-dollar porn show on the internet.

  He barely held in his anger, his rage, his disgust, when his whole position changed at hearing her confession of finally feeling loved by him. Then empathy sobered him up fast. She'd gone through hell on her own. For years, she'd hid behind determination and strength to protect herself from getting hurt as deeply as when her mom abandoned her, and she'd finally opened up to him.

  She put herself at risk for him.

  She hurt because of how he'd rejected her.

  He followed Nova with his gaze up to Nick's trailer and stared at the door when she went inside. A young girl needed a mother's love, and while he imagined Nick and Shayla's mom provided Nova with a home and a family before she died, Nova had never once forgotten that she was left behind and that her mom chose someone else over her at a time when Nova needed her the most.

  He'd seen her look off into the mountains many times when she came over to visit. She'd stare at the peaks in the distance lost in thought and to the activities going on around her. He'd loved watching her concentrate on a distant point, unreadable and mysterious, believing the Bitterroot mountains had swept her into loving Idaho. Looking back, he could now see where he'd mistaken her silent moments for heartbreak and instead of gazing at the beauty around her, she looked for a mother who left her behind and probably wondered if her mom was out there, just over the ridge in another town. And, he had no doubt she wondered if she was missed.

  He loved Nova, and he couldn't imagine leaving her. The kind of connection and comfort he had with her could never be severed. Even now, the thought of walking away killed him. When he believed she'd left Federal, his meaning of life ended.

  Kirkland spotted him in the window and motioned him to come outside. He lifted his chin and let the blind snap back in place. His nap had refreshed him, and he could go for hours. He grabbed his cap and went outside.

  Jason opened the cooler and offered him a beer. He declined and headed straight to Nick. He was under no obligation to prove himself to Nova's family. She was the only person who needed to hear what he had to say.

  But, he'd feel better letting Nick know he was going to deal with Nova—however it came out, and hopefully his friend wouldn't stop him. He owed Nick as the head of Nova's family to let him know what he planned to do.

  What went down between him and Nova, how he'd acted, and why he refused to communicate with her and instead let her go a few days thinking he stopped loving her needed to remain private.

  Nick's mouth hardened at his approach. He held out his hand and appreciated Nick accepting the shake. Without talking to Nova, he wouldn't assume Nick understood what was going on or what brought Nova to Federal.

  "I'd like to talk to Nova." He looked Nick in the eyes. "If nothing else, I need to apologize to her."

  Nick glanced over his shoulder and returned his gaze to Emmett. "She's in the house."

  "I think it'd be best to get her away from here and the others. She doesn't need anyone hearing her business."

  Nick inhaled deeply. "You can ask, but it's up to her whether she wants to talk, man."

  "Right." The possibility of her slamming the door in his face seemed more likely than her wanting to listen to him. "Thanks."

  He walked over to Nick and Shayla's trailer, climbed the steps, and knocked on the door. Normally, he'd knock and enter. They'd always welcomed him into their home as he had let them know they could come over anytime to visit in his trailer.

  He knocked again. The music blared outside, and he knew how loud it could get inside the house.

  The door opened, and Nova stood in the opening. Closer than he'd been to her in days, he struggled for that first breath being within touching distance of her.

  The cords on her neck constricted and she worked her lips in worry. He brought his gaze up to her eyes and forgot what he planned to say. She carried a world of emotions in those hazel eyes, and she could no longer hide behind attitude, lies, and anger.

  Nothing mattered, except she was within reach of him. He could touch her if he raised his hand. He could grab her if she walked away.

  He pushed his ball cap higher on his forehead. "I thought maybe you'd go for a ride with me. I'd like for you to hear what I have to say and I thought it'd be nice to get away from the park where you can listen without everyone staring at us."

  "I don't think we have anything more to discuss."

  He inhaled swiftly. "Yeah, we do."

  She rocked back on the heels of her bare feet. "Let me get my shoes on."

  He walked off the landing and down the steps. The sweat dried on his forehead as he waited. Finally, she came outside. He stepped out of the way, put his hand on her lower back, and led her to the 'Cuda.

  "Hey, where are you two going?" shouted Kirkland.

  Emmett ignored the question and opened Nova's door. One touch, one slow fucking touch, and he knew without a doubt he made the right decision.

  He got in the car and drove out of the park. Two miles away, he stopped in the gravel spot where the Silver Express van made stops during the day. He shut off the engine. The security light for the area provided enough light to view the fear in her.

  Her fingers fiddled with the strings at the edge of the hole in the knee of her jeans. Her gaze stayed down in her lap. He couldn’t be sure, but either she breathed heavy inside the car, or he had his own problems catching his breath through his tight chest.

  "Thanks for coming with me." He let his hands fall to his lap. The space. The time. Even the night settled over him and made him uncomfortable. "This feels wrong."

  She clasped her hands together. "What is it?"


  "Come outside with me." He opened the door.

  She met him in the front of the car. He grabbed her hand and walked her through the gravel to the first large boulder lining the miners' memorial statue. Without asking, he lifted her by the waist and sat her down on top of the rock.

  The lighting on the statue gave him a view of her face. He calmed.

  "That's better." He brushed her hair back off of her cheeks. "Missed seeing those eyes on me."

  "Emmett..." She looked away.

  "I need to talk to you." He brought her face back to him. "The night you told me the truth, about everything, I left you because all I could think about was killing every single man who had ever put his hands on you and I was angry that you'd shut me out of that part of your life and kept me from loving you completely. I did not walk away from you because of you being a prostitute. I want to make that clear. I needed space because I didn't trust myself around you with all the anger I was feeling."

  "It doesn't matter, Emmett. I can't take back the truth." She gazed up at the darkened sky, exhaling a large breath before focusing on him. "I've thought and thought about how I can fix everything, and the truth is I can't take away your anger. No matter how hard I try or how good I act or how much I love you, you will always have the knowledge that I was a prostitute. There's nothing I can do to help you forget. It's there. It'll never go away."

  He dipped his knees putting his gaze level with her eyes. "Three bottles of whiskey and a bitch of a round with three transmissions at the store, plus wishing you were with me every fucking second of the day took care of my anger, Nova-girl. I can't tell you that I don't think about it when I try my damnedest to come up with a way to change the past for your sake. But I had no right to judge you for what you did before meeting me. I don't like that you continued working after we'd met and you had already told me you'd fallen in love with me."

  "I lied to you."

  He planted his hands on the rock, keeping her there, needing her to not only listen but to believe what he was telling her. "You did, and I'll be honest with you. I don't think I've ever hurt as much as I have this last week, but that's on my conscious. The whole time we spent together, I failed to show you that you can trust me. That no matter what you tell me, I can handle it for the both of us. That's my job, not yours."

  She closed her eyes. "You're not real."

  "Look at me, Nova."

  She blinked, and her eyes swam with unshed tears. He held her face with both of his hands. "What's real is I love you. I'm never going to leave you. We're both going to fuck up from time to time. You're going to irritate the shit out of me. I know there will be days where you wish you never met me. But, each night, I'm going to take you by the hand and take you to bed and hold you all night, because you know what scares me?"

  "What?" she said, her voice breaking.

  "Not having you in my life," he whispered. "I'm not letting you get away. We will work through our problems together and if you can't handle that, then tell me now because I can't take another day away from you and I can't see you every day knowing you're not mine."

  She stared into his eyes without saying a word. His gut, already tight, hardened more the longer she remained silent. He'd laid everything out in the open.

  "I need to..." She pulled against his hold, and he refused to let her move away. "I need to talk to you about a few things, and then I'll be glad to never bring up the subject again."

  "Tell me."

  "There's a difference between sex and love." She moistened her lips. "What I had with you was love. It is love, and love was never something I even wanted after my mom left. I never came here expecting to meet you or rearrange my whole life for one person. Shayla and Nick are my family and yet I don't have the need to be with them every single day the way I do you."

  "Do you still love me?" He dipped his knees again and held her gaze. Everything relied on her still loving him, because there was no doubt that she owned him. Regardless of what they'd go through in the future and how both of their lives panned out, she was part of him.

  "Of course, I do." She laid her hand over his hand on her face. "I feel like I'm killing you by loving you, and I don't want to hurt you."

  "I'm okay." He leaned in and pressed his lips against her forehead. "That's all I needed to know, Nova-girl, cause if love hurts, I want to keep feeling everything you give me. I want you. I want us."

  "No one has ever said that to me before," she whispered.

  "I'm going to be saying lots of things to you until you understand I'm not leaving." He lowered his voice. "I'm not leaving."

  She closed her eyes a few seconds and opened them. "Do you know why I signed up with the Network?"

  He shook his head. It took everything in him to stand there and hear her out, knowing what she told him was important and hating what she'd gone through.

  "They promised me traveling, Emmett. I could go all over the United States," she whispered. "I knew my mom was out there, somewhere."

  The base of his skull pounded. "You went looking for her?"

  "I think I did." She inhaled deeply. "At the time, I only wanted a new life that promised better things. But, I found myself looking for her in every city. I remember spending hours looking out a window searching the street for a familiar face."

  "You never found her," he said, finishing for her.

  "No." She shrugged, and sadness filled her eyes. "I realized after a year of losing faith that she'd somehow stumble in front of me at an airport, or I'd see her on the sidewalk that I no longer had a reason to find her. I couldn't go up to her and show her how I'd beat the odds or how successful I'd become or even how much money I had, which is what I really wanted to do. I wanted to show her that even without her in my life, I kept living and moved on without her help. But, the truth is I'm a prostitute. That's not exactly something to be proud of, and when I realized I no longer wanted to find her, I let her go. I no longer hold her to her promise to come back to me."

  "You were a prostitute."

  "Yeah." She smiled softly. "It's in my past."

  "I don't want to start over. We're going to pick up right where we left off." He cupped her face. "I want you."

  "I want you, too." She sniffed, holding on to his wrist, determined and making sure he went nowhere. "You need to know there's a doctor's report on my health in my purse, and I want you to have it. I also want you to know that when we do have sex—and I want that more than you can even imagine—it would never, ever, be the same as what I've done in the past. I need you to believe me, and I know with all the lies, you might not—"

  "I believe you." He leaned in and kissed her trembling lips. "You wanted slow. I gave you slow. You want me now? I'll give you me."

  "I do." Her hands came up to cradle his face. "Is this really happening?"

  "Believe it, Nova-girl." He brought her closer and ran his lips softly over hers. "I'll prove it once we get back to the trailer, yeah?"

  "Yes," she whispered.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Emmett lifted Nova's face, and she kissed him. Soft, hesitant, warm.

  He slanted his head and took the kiss deeper. She had no time to think about stopping or that all the way back to Emmett's trailer, he'd told her that anything was possible because they loved each other. What she'd heard meant something completely different to her.

  Emmett led, and she willingly followed. He'd taken her fear and stomped it into the ground and stayed. He never left her. He came back, bigger, better, and loving her more. The way she always dreamed.

  He ended the kiss on her lips and moved down to her neck.

  She trailed her hand up his solid sides, luxuriating in the heat rolling off him. The moment they stepped into the bedroom, Emmett had taken off both their clothes before she could think. The sight of his hard, sculpted body, bare and sexy, gave her something to concentrate on and take her mind off her past.

  The situation totally controlled by Emmett, she submitted believing he woul
d take care of her.

  He was different than other men.

  Most of all, she was naked, and he was naked.

  Maybe she wouldn't even allow him to get dressed when they were together. He could walk around naked. For her. With her.

  At his mercy, the excitement of not knowing what he was going to do or say kept her focused and anticipating his next move.

  Emmett kissed his way from her throat, down her chest, between her breasts, and hovered before lifting her off his feet. She landed on the bed softly and looked down her body to latch on to his gaze, which was locked on her. His arousal gave him a sleepy look, full of warmth and desire.

  "Don't move," he said with a growl.

  He kissed her stomach once more before rolling off her and stepping toward the dresser. His firm ass a delight to watch, her nipples constricted sending a chill over her naked flesh. The exhilaration she received came to her like an old friend. One she'd lost contact with over the years. One she thought about calling and never had. One she missed more than she could admit.

  Emmett came back to the bed. Her gaze went down his broad chest to his hands opening a condom and flashed back to his face. He'd ducked his chin and rolled the latex over his hardness. The force of his concentration pulsed in the vein running down the side of his forehead.

  Then he was looking at her with that same intensity as he came forward and put his knee on the mattress, his weight between her legs, his elbows planted on each side of her, and his mouth captured hers.

  She opened her lips, and his tongue thrust inside.

  If she died from pleasure, she'd miss his kisses the most.

  She only had time for that one thought when his mouth left a scorching path down to her breast and encased her nipple with his lips.

  She'd miss that, too.

  Emmett rolled his tongue around her nipple, drawing a buck through her body when he nipped the hardened nub with his teeth and lightly pulled.