Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "The distinction escapes me," I said dryly.

  "Okay, kid. Let me put it to you this way. You're my apprentice, right?"

  "Right," I agreed suspiciously.

  "Well, I'm not going to have an apprentice that can't fly! Get me!?" he roared.

  "All right, Aahz. How does it work?" I knew when I was beaten.

  "That's better. Actually it doesn't involve anything you don't already know. You know how to levitate objects, right?"

  I nodded slowly, puzzled.

  "Well, all flying is is levitating yourself."

  "How's that again?"

  "Instead of standing firm on the ground and lifting an object, you push against the ground with your will and lift yourself."

  "But if I'm not touching the ground, where do I draw my power from?"

  "From the air! C'mon, kid, you're a magician, not an elemental."

  "What's an elemental?"

  "Forget it. What I meant was you aren't bound to any of the four elements, you're a magician. You control them, or at least influence them and draw your power from them. When you're flying, all you have to do is draw your power from the air instead of the ground."

  "If you say so, Aahz," I said doubtfully.

  "Okay, first locate a force line."

  "But we left it when we started off to see the Deveel," I argued.

  "Kid, there are lots of force lines. Just because we left one of the ground force lines doesn't mean we're completely out of touch. Check for a force line in the air."

  "In the air?"

  "Believe me, kid. Check."

  I sighed and closed my eyes. Turning my face skyward, I tried to picture the two-headed spear. At first I couldn't do it, then realized with a start I was seeing a spear, but a different spear. It wasn't as bright as the last spear had been, but glowed softly with icy blues and whites.

  "I think I've got one, Aahz!" I gasped.

  "It's blue and white, right?" Aahz sneered sarcastically.

  "Yes, but it's not as bright as the last one."

  "It's probably further away. Oh well, it's close enough for you to draw energy from. Well, give it a try, kid. Hook into that force line and push the ground away. Slowly now."

  I did as I was instructed, reaching out with my mind to tap the energies of that icy vision. The surge of power I felt was unlike any I had experienced before. Whereas before when I summoned the power I felt warm and swollen with power, this time I felt cool and relaxed. The power flow actually made me feel lighter.

  "Push away, kid," came Aahz's voice. "Gently!"

  Lazily I touched the ground with my mind, only casually aware of the curious sensation of not physically feeling anything with my feet.

  "Open your eyes, kid! Adjust your trim."

  Aahz's voice came to me from a strange location this time. Surprised, my eyes popped open.

  I was floating some ten feet above the ground at an angle that was rapidly drifting toward a horizontal position. I was flying!

  The ground came at me in a rush. I had one moment of dazed puzzlement before it slammed into me with jarring reality.

  I lay there for a moment forcing air back into my lungs and wondering if I had broken anything.

  "Are you okay, kid?" Aahz was suddenly looming over me.' 'What happened anyway?"

  "I… I was flying!" I forced the words at last.

  "Yeah, so? Oh, I get it. You were so surprised you forgot to maintain the energy flow, right?"

  I nodded, unable to speak.

  "Of all the dumb… look, kid, when I tell you you're going to fly, believe it!"

  "But…."

  "Don't 'but' me! Either you believe in me as a teacher or you don't! There's no buts about it!"

  "I'm sorry, Aahz." I was getting my breath back again.

  "Ahh… didn't mean to jump on you like that, kid, but you half scared me to death with that fall. You've got to understand we're starting to get into some pretty powerful magik now. You've got to expect them to work. A surprise-break like that last one with the wrong thing could get you killed, or me for that matter."

  "I'll try to remember, Aahz. Shall I try it again?"

  "Just take it easy for a few minutes, kid. Flying can take a lot out of you, even without the fall."

  I closed my eyes and waited for my head to stop whirling.

  "Aahz? "I said finally.

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "Tell me about Perv."

  "What about it?"

  "It just occurred to me, those Imps seemed scared to death when they realized you were a Pervect. What kind of a reputation does your dimension have?"

  "Well," he began, "Perv is a self-sufficient, stand-offish dimension. We may not have the best fighters, but they're close enough that other dimension travelers give them lots of room. Technology and magik exist side by side and are intertwined with each other. All in all it makes a pretty powerful little package."

  "But why should anyone be afraid of that?"

  "As I said, Perv has a lot going for it. One of the side effects of success is an abundance of hangers-on. There was a time when we were close to being swamped with refugees and immigrants from other dimensions. When they got to be too much of a nuisance, we put a stop to it."

  "How?" I pushed.

  "First, we took the non-contributing outsiders and ran 'em out. Then, for an added measure of insurance, we encouraged the circulation of rumors of certain antisocial attitudes of Pervects toward those from other dimensions."

  "What kind of rumors?"

  "Oh, the usual. That we eat our enemies, torture folks for amusement and have sexual practices that are considered dubious by any dimension's standards. Folks aren't sure how much is truth and how much is exaggeration, but they're none too eager to find out firsthand."

  "How much of it is true, Aahz?" I asked propping myself up on one elbow.

  He grinned evilly at me.

  "Enough to keep 'em honest."

  I was going to ask what it took to be considered a contributing immigrant, but decided to let it pass for a while.

  Chapter Eleven

  "One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people."

  -G. KHAN

  "AH! What a shining example of civilization!" chortled Aahz exuberantly as he peered about him, delighted as a child on his first outing.

  We were sauntering casually down one of the lesser used streets of Twixt. Garbage and beggars were strewn casually about while beady rodent eyes, human and inhuman, studied us from the darkened doors and windows. It was a cluster of buildings crouched around an army outpost which was manned more from habit than necessity. The soldiers we occasionally encountered had degenerated enough from the crisp recruiting poster model that it was frequently difficult to tell which seemed more menacing and unsavory, the guards or the obviously criminal types they were watching.

  "If you ask me, it looks more like mankind at its worst!" I mumbled darkly.

  "That's what I said, a shining example of civilization!"

  There wasn't much I could say to that, not feeling like getting baited into another one of Aahz's philosophical lectures.

  "Aahz, is it my imagination or are people staring at us?"

  "Relax, kid. In a town like this the citizens will always instinctively size up a stranger. They're trying to guess if we're victims or victimizers. Our job is to make sure they think we're in the second category."

  To illustrate his point he suddenly whirled and crouched like a cat, glaring back down the street with a hand on his sword hilt.

  There was sudden movement at the windows and doorways as roughly a dozen half-seen forms melted back into the darkness.

  One figure didn't move. A trollop leaning on a windowsill, her arms folded to display her ill-covered breasts, smiled invitingly at him. He smiled and waved. She ran an insolent tongue tip slowly around her lip and winked broadly.

  "Um…Aahz?"

  "Yeah, kid?" he replied, without taking his eyes from the girl.
/>   "I hate to interrupt, but you're supposed to be a doddering old man, remember?"

  Aahz was still disguised as Garkin, a fact which seemed to have momentarily slipped his mind.

  "Hmm? Oh, yeah. I guess you're right, kid. It doesn't seem to bother anybody else though. Maybe they're used to feisty old men in this town."

  "Well, could you at least stop going for your sword? That's supposed to be our surprise weapon."

  Aahz was wearing the assassin's cloak now, which he quickly pulled forward again to hide his sword.

  "Will you get off my back, kid? Like I said, nobody seems to be paying any attention."

  "Nobody?" I jerked my head pointedly toward the girl in the window.

  "Her? She's not paying any more attention to us than she is anyone else on the street."

  "Really?"

  "Well, if she is, it's more because of you than because of me."

  "Me? C'mon, Aahz."

  "Don't forget, kid, you're a pretty impressive person now."

  I blinked. That hadn't occurred to me. I had forgotten I was disguised as Quigley now.

  We had hidden the demon hunter just outside of town… well, actually we buried him. I had been shocked by the suggestion at first, but as Aahz pointed out, the statue didn't need any air and it was the only sure fire way we had of ensuring he wouldn't be found by anyone else.

  Even the war unicorn following us, now fully saddled and armored, did not help me keep my new identity in mind. We had been traveling together too long now.

  I suppose I should have gotten some satisfaction from the fact I could now maintain not only one, but two disguises without consciously thinking about it. I didn't. I found it unnerving that I had to remember other people were seeing me differently than I was seeing myself.

  I shot a glance at the trollop. As our eyes met, her smile broadened noticeably. She displayed her increased enthusiasm by leaning further out of the window until I began to worry about her falling out… of the window or her dress.

  "What did I tell you, kid!" Aahz slapped me enthusiastically on the shoulder and winked lewdly.

  "I'd rather she was attracted to me for me as I really am," I grumbled darkly.

  "The price of success, kid," Aahz responded philosophically. "Well, no matter. We're here on business, remember?"

  "Right," I said firmly.

  I turned to continue our progress, and succeeded only in whacking Aahz soundly in the leg with my sword.

  "Hey .'Watch it, kid!"

  It seemed there was more to this sword-carrying than met the casual eye.

  "Sorry, Aahz," I apologized. "This thing's a bit point-heavy."

  "Yeah? How would you know?" my comrade retorted.

  "Well… you said…."

  "I said? That won't do it, kid. What's point-heavy for me may not be point-heavy for you. Weapon balance is a personal thing."

  "Well… I guess I'm just not used to wearing a sword," I admitted.

  "It's easy. Just forget you're wearing it. Think of it as part of you."

  "I did. That's when I hit you."

  "Hmm… we'll go into it more later."

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see the trollop. She clapped her hands in silent applause and blew me a kiss. I suddenly realized she thought I had deliberately hit Aahz, a premeditated act to quell a rival. What's more, she approved of the gesture.

  I looked at her again, more closely this time. Maybe later I would give Aahz the slip for a while and…

  "We've got to find Frumple." Aahz's voice interrupted my wandering thoughts.

  "Hmm…? Oh. How, Aahz?"

  "Through guile and cunning. Watch this, kid."

  So saying, he shot a quick glance up and down the street. A pack of three urchins had just rounded the corner, busily engaged in a game of keep-away with one of the group's hat.

  "Hey!" Aahz hailed them. "Where can I find the shop of Abdul the Rug Dealer?"

  "Two streets up and five to the left," they called back, pointing the direction.

  "See, kid? That wasn't hard."

  "Terrific," I responded, unimpressed.

  "Now what's wrong, kid?"

  "I thought we were trying to avoid unnecessary attention."

  "Don't worry, kid."

  "Don't worry!? We're on our way to meet a Deveel on a supposedly secret mission, and you seem to be determined to make sure everybody we see notices us and knows where we're going."

  "Look, kid, how does a person normally act when they come into a new town?"

  "I don't know," I admitted. "I haven't been in that many towns."

  "Well, let me sketch it out for you. They want to be noticed. They carry on and make lots of noise. They stare at the women and wave at people they've never seen before."

  "But that's what we've been doing."

  "Right! Now do you understand?"

  "No."

  Aahz heaved an exasperated sigh.

  "C'mon, kid. Think a minute, even if it hurts. We're acting like anyone else would walking into a strange town, so nobody will look at us twice. They won't pay any more attention to us than they would any other newcomer. Now if we followed your suggestion and came skulking into town, not talking to anyone or looking at anything, and tried real hard not to be noticed,

  then everyone and his kid brother would zero in on us trying to figure out what we were up to. Now do you understand?"

  "I… I think so."

  "Good… cause there's our target."

  I blinked and looked in the direction of his pointing finger. There squatting between a blacksmith's forge and a leather worker's displays was the shop. As I said, I was new to city life, but I would have recognized it as a rug merchant's shop even if it was not adorned with a large sign proclaiming it such. The entire front of the shop was lavishly decorated with colorful geometric patterns apparently meant to emulate the patterns of the rugs inside. I guess it was intended to look rich and prosperous. I found it unforgivably gaudy.

  I had been so engrossed in our conversation, I had momentarily forgotten our mission. With the shop now confronting us at close range, however, my nervousness came back in a rush.

  "What are we going to do, Aahz?"

  "Well, first of all I think I'm going to get a drink."

  "A drink?"

  "Right. If you think I'm going to match wits with a Deveel on an empty stomach, you've got another think coming."

  "A drink?" I repeated, but Aahz was gone, striding purposefully toward a nearby tavern. There was little for me to do but follow, leading the unicorn.

  The tavern was a dingy affair, even to my rustic eye. A faded awning sullenly provided shade for a small cluster of scarred wooden tables. Flies buzzed around a cat sleeping on one of the tables… at least I like to assume it was asleep.

  As I tied the unicorn to one of the awning supports, I could hear Aahz bellowing at the inn keep for two of his largest flagons of wine. I sighed, beginning to despair that Aahz would never fully adapt to his old-man disguise. The inn keep did not seem to notice any irregularity between Aahz's appearance and his drinking habits, however. It occurred to me that Aahz might be right in his theories of how to go unnoticed. City people seemed to be accustomed to loud rude individuals of any age.

  "Sit down, kid," Aahz commanded. "You're making me nervous hovering around like that."

  "I thought we were going to talk with the Deveel," I grumbled, sinking into a chair.

  "Relax, kid. A few minutes one way or the other won't make that much difference. Besides, look!"

  A young, well-dressed couple was entering the rug shop.

  "See? We couldn't have done any business anyway. At least not until they left. The kind of talk we're going to have can't be done in front of witnesses. Ahh!"

  The inn-keeper had arrived, clinking the two flagons of wine down on the table in a lackluster manner.

  "About time!" Aahz commented, seizing a flagon in each hand and immediately draining one. "Aren't you going to have anythi
ng, kid?"

  A toss of his head and the second flagon was gone.

  "While my friend here makes up his mind, bring me two more… and make them decent sizes this time if you have to use a bucket!"

  The inn keep retreated, visibly shaken. I wasn't. I had already witnessed Aahz's capacity for alcohol, astounding in an era noted for heavy drinkers. What did vex me a bit was that the man had departed without taking my order.

  I did eventually get my flagon of wine, only to find my stomach was too nervous to readily accept it. As a result, I wound up sipping it slowly. Not so Aahz. He continued to belt them down at an alarming rate. For quite some time he drank. In fact, we sat for nearly an hour, and there was still no sign of the couple who had entered the shop.

  Finally, even Aahz began to grow impatient.

  "I wonder what's taking them so long," he grumbled.

  "Maybe they're having trouble making up their mind," I suggested.

  "C'mon, kid. The shop's not that big. He can't have too large a selection."

  He downed the last of his wine and stood up.

  "We've waited long enough," he declared. "Let's get this show on the road."

  "But what about the couple?" I reminded him.

  "We'll just have to inspire them to conclude their business with a bit more speed."

  That had a vaguely ominous ring to it, and Aahz's toothy grin was additional evidence that something unpleasant was about to happen.

  I was about to try to dissuade him, but he started across the street with a purposeful stride that left me standing alone.

  I hurried to catch up with him, leaving the unicorn behind in my haste. Even so, I was unable to overtake him before he had entered the shop.

  I plunged after him, fearing the worst. I needn't have worried. Except for the proprietor, the shop was empty. There was no sign of the couple anywhere.

  Chapter Twelve

  "First impressions are of major importance in business matters."

  -J. PlERPONT FlNCH

  "MAY I help you, gentlemen?"

  The proprietor's rich robes did not successfully hide his thinness. I am not particularly muscular… as Skeeve, that is… but I had the impression that if I struck this man, he wouldn't bruise, he'd shatter. I mean, I've seen skinny men before, but he seemed to be a skeleton with a too-small skin stretched over the bones.