Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "We'd like to talk with Abdul." Aahz said loftily.

  "I am he, and he is I," recited the proprietor. "You see before you Abdul, a mere shadow of a man, pushed to the brink of starvation by his clever customers."

  "You seem to be doing all right for yourself," I murmured, looking about me.

  The shop was well stocked, and even my untraveled eye could readily detect the undeniable signs of wealth about. The rugs were delicately woven in soft fabrics unfamiliar to me, and gold and silver shone from the depths of their designs. Obviously these rugs were intended for the wealthy, and it seemed doubtful their current owner would be suffering from a lack of comfort.

  "Ann. Therein lies the tale of my foolishness," cried the proprietor wringing his hands. "In my blind confidence, I sank my entire holdings into my inventory. As a result, I starve in the midst of plenty. My customers know this and rob me in my vulnerable times. I lose money on every sale, but a man must eat."

  "Actually," Aahz interrupted, "we're looking for something in a deep shag wall-to-wall carpet."

  "What's that?… I mean, do not confuse poor Abdul so, my humble business…."

  "Come off it, Abdul… or should I say Frumple." Aahz grinned his widest grin. "We know who you are and what you are. We're here to do a little business."

  At his words, the proprietor moved with a swiftness I would not have suspected him capable of. He was at the door in a bound, throwing a bolt and lowering a curtain which seemed to be of a substance even more strange than that of his rugs.

  "Where'd you learn your manners!" he snarled back over his shoulder in a voice quite unlike the one used by the whiney proprietor. "I've got to live in this town, you know."

  "Sorry," Aahz said, but he didn't sound at all apologetic.

  "Well, watch it next time you come barging in and start throwing my name around. People here are not particularly tolerant of strange beings or happenings."

  He seemed to be merely grumbling to himself, so I seized the opportunity to whisper to Aahz.

  "Psst. Aahz. What's a wall-to-wall…."

  "Later, kid."

  "You!" The proprietor seemed to see me for the first time. "You're the statue! I didn't recognize you moving."

  "Well…!…."

  "I should have known," he raved on. "Deal with Imps and you invite trouble. Next thing you know every…."

  He broke off suddenly and eyed us suspiciously. His hand disappeared into the folds and emerged with a clear crystal. He held it up and looked through it like an eye glass, scrutinizing us each in turn.

  "I should have known," he spat. "Would you be so kind as to remove your disguises? I like to know who I'm doing business with."

  I glanced at Aahz who nodded in agreement.

  Closing my eyes, I began to effect the change to our normal appearance. I had enough time to wonder if Frumple would wonder about my transformation, if he realized I was actually a different person than the statue he had seen earlier. I needn't have worried.

  "A Pervert!" Frumple managed to make the word sound slimy.

  "That's Pervect if you want to do business with us," Aahz corrected.

  "It's Pervert until I see the color of your money," Frumple sneered back.

  I was suddenly aware he was studying me carefully.

  "Say, you wouldn't by any chance be an Imp named Throckwoddle, would you?"

  "Me? No! I… I'm…."

  But he was already squinting at me through the crystal again.

  "Hmph," he grunted, tucking his viewer back in his robe. "I guess you're okay. I'd love to get my hands on that Throckwoddle, though. He's been awfully free spreading my name around lately."

  "Say, Frumple," Aahz interjected. "You aren't the only one who likes to see who he's doing business with, you know."

  "Hm? Oh! Very well, if you insist."

  I expected him to close his eyes and go to work, but instead he dipped a hand into his robe again. This time he produced what looked like a small hand mirror with some sort of a dial on the back. Peering into the mirror, he began to gently turn the dial with his fingers.

  The result was immediate and startling. Not merely his face, but his whole body began to change, filling out, and taking on a definite reddish hue. As I watched, his brows thickened and grew closer together, his beard line crept up his face as if it were alive, and his eyes narrowed cruelly. Almost as an afterthought, I noted that his feet were now shiny cloven hooves and the tip of a pointed tail appeared at the bottom hem of his robe.

  In an impressively short period of time, he had transformed into a… well, a devil!

  Despite all my preparations, I felt the prickle of superstitious fear as he put away the mirror and turned to us again.

  "Are you happy now?" he grumbled at Aahz.

  "It's a start," Aahz conceded.

  "Enough banter," Frumple was suddenly animated again. "What brings a Pervert to Klah? Slumming? And where does the kid fit in?"

  "He's my apprentice," Aahz informed him.

  "Really?" Frumple swept me with a sympathetic gaze. "Are things really that tough, kid? Maybe we could work something out."

  "He's quite happy with the situation," interrupted Aahz. "Now let's get to our problem."

  "You want me to cure the kid's insanity?"

  "Huh? No. C'mon, Frumple. We came here on business. Let's declare a truce for a while, okay?"

  "If you insist. It'll seem strange, though; Perverts and Deveels have never really gotten along."

  "That's Pervects!"

  "See what I mean?"

  "Aahz!" I interrupted. "Could you just tell him?"

  "Hmm? Oh. Right, kid. Look, Frumple. We've got a problem we were hoping you could help us with. You see, I've lost my powers."

  "What!?" exploded Frumple. "You came here without the magical ability to protect yourself against being followed? That tears it. I spend seven years building a comfortable front here, and some idiot comes along and…."

  "Look, Frumple. We told you the kid here's my apprentice. He knows more than enough to cover us."

  "A half-trained apprentice! He's trusting my life and security to a half-trained apprentice!"

  "You seem to be overlooking the fact we're already here. If anything was going to happen it would have happened already."

  "Every minute you two are here you're threatening my existence."

  "… which is all the more reason for you to deal with our problem immediately and stop this pointless breast-beating!"

  The two of them glared at each other for a few moments, while I tried to be very quiet and unnoticeable. Frumple did not seem to be the right choice for someone to pin our hopes on.

  "Oh, all right!" Frumple grumbled at last. "Since I probably won't be rid of you any other way."

  He strode to the wall and produced what looked like a length of rope from behind one of the rugs.

  "That's more like it," Aahz said triumphantly.

  "Sid down and shut up," ordered our host.

  Aahz did as he was bid, and Frumple proceeded to circle him. As he moved, the Deveel held the rope first this way, then that, sometimes looped in a circle, other times hanging limp. All the while he stared intently at the ceiling as if reading a message written there in fine print.

  I didn't have the faintest idea what he was doing, but it was strangely enjoyable to watch someone order Aahz about and get away with it.

  "Hmm…." the Deveel said at last. "Yes, I think we can say that your powers are definitely gone."

  "Terrific!" Aahz growled. "Look, Frumple. We didn't come all this way to be told something we already knew. You Deveels are supposed to be able to do anything. Well, do something!"

  "It's not that easy. Pervert!" Frumple snapped back. "I need information. How did you lose your powers, anyway?"

  "I don't know for sure," Aahz admitted. "I was summoned to Klah by a magician and when I arrived they were gone."

  "A magician? Which one?"

  "Garkin."

  "Garkin? He's
a mean one to cross. Why don't you just get him to restore your powers instead of getting me involved?"

  "Because he's dead. Is that reason enough for you?"

  "Hmm… that makes it difficult."

  "Are you saying you can't do anything?" Aahz sneered. "I should have known. I always thought the reputation of the Deveels was overrated."

  "Look, Pervert! Do you want my help or not? I didn't say I couldn't do anything, just that it would be difficult."

  "That's more like it," Aahz chortled. "Let's get started."

  "Not so fast," interrupted Frumple. "I didn't say I would help you, just that I could."

  "I see," sneered Aahz. "Here it comes, kid. The price tag. I told you they were shake-down artists."

  "Actually," the Deveel said dryly, "I was thinking of the time factor. It would take a while for me to make my preparations, and I believe I've made my feelings quite clear about you staying here longer than is absolutely necessary."

  "In that case," smiled Aahz, "I suggest you get started. I believe I've made my feelings quite clear that we intend to stay here until the cure is effected."

  "In that case," the Deveel smiled back at him, "I believe you raised the matter of cost. How much do you have with you?"

  "Well, we have…." I began.

  "That strikes me as being unimportant," Aahz glared warningly at me. "Suppose you tell us how much you feel is a fair price for your services."

  Frumple graced him with one withering glare before sinking thoughtfully into his calculations.

  "Hmm… material cost is up… and of course, there's my time… and you did call without an appointment… let's say it would cost you, just as a rough estimate, mind you, oh, in the neighborhood of… Say!"

  He suddenly brightened and smiled at us.

  "Maybe you'd be willing to work this as a trade. I cure you, and you do me a little favor."

  "What kind of a favor?" Aahz asked suspiciously.

  For once I was in complete agreement with him. Something in Frumple's voice did not inspire confidence.

  "A small thing, really," the Deveel purred. "Sort of a decoy mission."

  "We'd rather pay cash," I asserted firmly.

  "Shut up, kid," Aahz advised. "What kind of a decoy mission, Frumple?"

  "You may have noticed the young couple who entered my shop ahead of you. You did! Good. Then you have doubtless noticed they are not on the premises currently."

  "How did they leave?" I asked curiously.

  "I'll get to that in a moment," Frumple smiled. "Anyway, theirs is an interesting if common story. I'll spare you the details, but in short, they're young lovers kept apart by their families. In their desperation, they turned to me for assistance. I obliged them by sending them to another dimension where they can be happy free of their respective family's intervention."

  "For a fee, of course," Aahz commented dryly.

  "Of course," Frumple smiled.

  "C'mon, Aahz," I chided. "It sounds like a decent thing to do, even if he was paid for it."

  "Quite so!" beamed the Deveel. "You're quite perceptive for one so young. Anyway, my generosity has left me in a rather precarious position. As you have no doubt noticed, I am quite concerned with my image in this town. There is a chance that image may be threatened if the couple's relatives succeed in tracking them to my shop and no farther."

  "That must have been some fee," Aahz mumbled.

  "Now my proposition is this: in exchange for my assistance, I would ask that you two disguise yourselves as that couple and lay a false trail away from my shop."

  "How much of a false trail?" I asked.

  "Oh. it needn't be anything elaborate. Just be seen leaving town by enough townspeople to ensure that attention will be drawn away from my shop. Once out of sight of town, you can change to any disguise you like and return here. By that time, my preparations for your cure should be complete. Well, what do you say? Is it a deal?"

  Chapter Thirteen

  "The secret to winning the support of large groups of people is positive thinking."

  -N. BONAPARTE

  "PEOPLE are staring at us, Aahz."

  "Relax, kid. They're supposed to be staring at us."

  To illustrate his point, he nodded and waved to a knot of glowering locals. They didn't wave back.

  "I don't see why I have to be the girl," I grumbled.

  "We went through that before, kid. You walk more like a girl than I do."

  "That's what you and Frumple decided. I don't think I walk like a girl at all!"

  "Well. let's say I walk less like a girl than you do."

  It was hard to argue with logic like that, so I changed subjects.

  "Couldn't we at least travel by less populated streets?" I asked.

  "Why?" countered Aahz.

  "Well, I'm not too wild about having a lot of people seeing me when I'm masquerading as a girl."

  "C'mon, kid. The whole idea is that no one would recognize you. Besides, you don't know anybody in this town. Why should you care what they think of you?"

  "I just don't like it, that's all," I grumbled.

  "Not good enough," Aahz asserted firmly. "Being seen is part of our deal with Frumple. If you had any objections you should have said so before we closed the negotiations."

  "I never got a chance," I pointed out. "But since the subject's come up, I do have a few questions."

  "Such as?"

  "Such as what are we doing?"

  "Weren't you paying attention, kid? We're laying a false trail for…."

  "I know that," I interrupted. "What I mean is, why arc we doing what we're doing? Why are we doing Frumple a favor instead of just paying his price?"

  "You wouldn't ask that if you'd ever dealt with a Deveel before," Aahz snorted. "Their prices are sky-high, especially in a case like ours when they know the customer is desperate. Just be thankful we got such a good deal."

  "That's what I mean, Aahz. Are we sure we've gotten a good deal?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, from what I've been told, if you think you've gotten a good deal from a Deveel, it usually means you've overlooked something."

  "Of course you speak from a wide range of experience," Aahz sneered sarcastically. "Who told you so much about dealing with Deveels?"

  "You did," I said pointedly.

  "Hmmm. You're right, kid. Maybe I have been a little hasty."

  Normally I would have been ecstatic over having Aahz admit I was right. Somehow, however, in the current situation, it only made me feel that much more uncomfortable.

  "So what are we going to do?" I asked.

  "Well, normally I deal honestly unless I think I'm being double-crossed. This time, however, you've raised sufficient doubt in my mind that I think we should bend the rules a little."

  "Situational ethics again?"

  "Right!"

  "So what do we do?"

  "Start looking for a relatively private place where we can dump these disguises without being noticed."

  I began scanning the streets and alleys ahead of us. My uneasiness was growing into panic, and it lent intensity to my search.

  "I wish we had our weapons along," I muttered.

  "Listen to him," Aahz jeered. "It wasn't that long ago you were telling me all about how magicians don't need weapons. C'mon, kid. What would you do with a weapon if you had one?"

  "If you want to get specific," I said dryly, "I was wishing you had a weapon."

  "Oh! Good point. Say… ah… kid? Are you still looking for a private place?"

  "Yeah, I've got a couple possibles spotted."

  "Well forget it. Start looking for something wide open with a lot of exits."

  "Why the change in strategy," I asked.

  "Take a look over your shoulder… casual like."

  I did as I was bid, though it was not as casual as it might have been. It turned out my acting ability was the least of our worries.

  There was a crowd of people following us. They glared
at us darkly and muttered to themselves. I wanted very badly to believe we were not the focus of their attention, but it was obvious that was not the case. They were clearly following us, and gathering members as they went.

  "We're being followed, Aahz!" I whispered.

  "Hey, kid. I pointed them out to you, remember?"

  "But why are they following us? What do they want?"

  "Well, I don't know for sure, of course, but I'd guess it has something to do with our disguises."

  I snuck another glance at the crowd. The interest in us did not seem to be lessening at all. If anything, the crowd was even bigger and looked even angrier. Terrific.

  "Say, Aahz?" I whispered.

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "If they're after us because of our disguises, why don't we just change back?"

  "Bad plan, kid. I'd rather run the risk of them having some kind of grudge against the people we're impersonating than facing up to the consequences if they found out we were magicians."

  "So what do we do?"

  "We keep walking and hope we run into a patrol of soldiers that can offer us some protection."

  A fist-sized rock thudded into the street ahead of us, presumably thrown by one of the people following us.

  "… or…." Aahz revised hastily, "we can stop right now and find out what this is all about."

  "We could run," I suggested hopefully, but Aahz was already acting on his earlier suggestion.

  He stopped abruptly and spun on his heel to face the crowd.

  "What is the meaning of this?" he roared at the advancing multitude.

  The crowd lurched to a halt before the direct address, those in the rear colliding with those in front who had already stopped. They seemed a bit taken aback by Aahz's action and milled about without direction.

  I was pleasantly surprised at the success of my companion's maneuver, but Aahz was never one to leave well enough alone.

  "Well?" he demanded, advancing on them. "I'm waiting for an explanation."

  For a moment the crowd gave ground before his approach. Then an angry voice rang out from somewhere in the back.