Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "We want to know about our money!"

  That opened the door.

  "Yeah! What about our money?!"

  The cry was taken up by several other voices, and the crowd began to growl and move forward again.

  Aahz stood his ground and held up a hand commanding silence.

  "What about your money?" he demanded haughtily.

  "Oh, no, you don't," came a particularly menacing voice. "You aren't going to talk your way out of it this time!"

  A massive bald man brandishing a butcher's cleaver shouldered his way through the crowd to confront Aahz.

  "My good man," Aahz sniffed. "If you're implying…."

  "I'm implying nothing!" The man growled. "I'm saying it flat out. You and that trollop of yours are crooks!"

  "Now, aren't you being just a bit hasty in…."

  "Hasty!" the man bellowed. "Hasty! Mister, we've already been too patient with you. We should have run you out of town when you first showed up with your phoney anti-demon charms. That's right, I said phoney! Some of us knew it from the start. Anyone with a little education knows there's no such things as demons."

  For a moment I was tempted to let Aahz's disguise drop. Then I looked at the crowd again and decided against it. It wasn't a group to joke with.

  "Now, some folks bought the charms because they were gullible, some as a gag, some of us because… well, because everyone else was buying them. But we all bought them, just like we bought your story that they had to be individually made and you needed the money in advance."

  "That was all explained at the time," Aahz protested.

  "Sure it was. You're great at explanations. You explained it just like you explained away those two times we caught you trying to leave town."

  "Well… we… uh," Aahz began.

  "Actually," I interrupted, "we were only…."

  "Well, we've had enough of your explanations. That's what we told you three days ago when we gave you two days to either come up with the charms or give us our money back."

  "But these things take time…."

  "You've used up that excuse. Your time was up yesterday. Now do we get our money, or…."

  "Certainly, certainly," Aahz raised his hands soothingly.

  "Just give me a moment to speak with my colleague."

  He smiled at the crowd as he took me by the arm and drew me away.

  "What are we going to do, Aahz?"

  "Now we run," he said calmly.

  "Huh?" I asked intelligently.

  I was talking to thin air. Aahz was already legging it speedily down the street.

  I may be slow at times, but I'm not that slow. In a flash I was hot on his heels.

  Unfortunately, the crowd figured out what Aahz was up to about the same time I did. With a howl they were after us.

  Surprisingly, I overtook Aahz. Either he was holding back so I could catch up, or I was more scared than I thought, which is impossible.

  "Now what?" I panted.

  "Shut up and keep running, kid," Aahz barked, ducking around a knot of people.

  "They're gaining on us," I pointed out.

  Actually, the group we had just passed had joined the pursuit, but it had the same effect as if the crowd was gaining.

  "Will you knock it off and help me look?" Aahz growled.

  "Sure. What are we looking for?"

  "A couple dressed roughly like us," he replied.

  "What do we do if we see them?"

  "Simple," Aahz replied. "We plow into them full tilt, you swap our features for theirs, and we let the mob tear them apart."

  "That doesn't sound right somehow," I said doubtfully.

  "Kid, remember what I told you about situational ethics?"

  "Yeah."

  "Well, this is one of those situations."

  I was convinced, though not so much by Aahz's logic as by the rock that narrowly missed my head. I don't know how the crowd managed to keep its speed and still pick up things to throw, but it did.

  I began watching for a couple dressed like us. It's harder than it sounds when you're at a dead run with a mob at your heels.

  Unfortunately, there was no one in sight who came close to fitting the bill. Whomever it was we were impersonating seemed to be fairly unique in their dress.

  "I wish I had a weapon with me," Aahz complained.

  "We've already gone through that," I called back. "And besides, what would you do if you had one? The only thing we've got that might stop them is the fire ring."

  "Hey! I'd forgotten about that," Aahz gasped. "I've still got it on."

  "So what?" I asked. "We can't use it."

  "Oh, yeah? Why not?"

  "Because then they'd know we're magicians."

  "That won't make any difference if they're dead."

  Situational ethics or not, my stomach turned at the thought of killing that many people.

  "Wait, Aahz! "I shouted.

  "Watch this, kid." He grinned and pointed his hand at them.

  Nothing happened.

  Chapter Fourteen

  "A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time."

  -TEVYE

  "C'MON, Aahz!" I shouted desperately, overturning a fruit stand in the path of the crowd.

  Now that it seemed my fellow-humans were safe from Aahz, my concern returned to making sure he was safe from them.

  "I don't believe it!" Aahz shouted, as he darted past.

  "What?" I called, sprinting after him.

  "In one day I believed both a Deveel and an Imp. Tell you what, kid. If we get out of this, I give you my permission to kick me hard. Right in the rump, twice."

  "It's a deal! "I panted.

  This running was starting to tax my stamina. Unfortunately, the crowd didn't seem tired at all. That was enough to keep me running.

  "Look, kid!" Aahz was pointing excitedly. "We're saved."

  I followed his finger. A uniformed patrol was marching… well, sauntering down the street ahead of us. "It's about time," I grumbled, but I was relieved nonetheless.

  The crowd saw the soldiers, too. Their cries increased in volume as they redoubled their efforts to reach us.

  "C'mon, kid! Step on it!" Aahz called. "We're not safe yet."

  "Step on what?" I asked, passing him.

  Our approach to the patrol was noisy enough that by the time we got there, the soldiers had all stopped moving and were watching the chase. One of them, a bit less unkempt than the others, had shouldered his way to the front of the group and stood sneering at us with folded arms. From his manners, I guessed he was an officer. There was no other explanation for the others allowing him to act the way he was.

  I skidded to a stop in front of him.

  "We're being chased!" I panted.

  "Really? "he smiled.

  "Let me handle this, kid," Aahz mumbled, brushing me aside. "Are you the officer in charge, sir?"

  " I am," the man replied.

  "Well, it seems that these… citizens," he pointed disdainfully at our pursuers, "intend us bodily harm. A blatant disregard for your authority… sir!"

  The mob was some ten feet distant and stood glaring alternately at us and the soldiers. I was gratified to observe that at least some of them were breathing hard.

  "I suppose you're right," the officer yawned. "We should take a hand in this."

  "Watch this, kid," Aahz whispered, nudging me in the ribs as the officer stepped forward to address the crowd.

  "All right. You all know it is against the law for citizens to inflict injuries on each other," he began.

  The crowd began to grumble darkly, but the officer waved them into silence as he continued.

  "I know, I know. We don't like it either. If it were up to us we'd let you settle your own differences and spend our time drinking. But it's not up to us. We have to follow the laws the same way you do, and the laws say only the military can judge and punish the citizenry."

  "See?" I whispered. "There are some adva
ntages to civilization."

  "Shut up, kid," Aahz hissed back.

  "So even though I know you'd love to beat these two to a bloody pulp, we can't let you do it. They must be hanged in accordance with the law!"

  "What?"

  I'm not sure if I said it, or Aahz, or if we cried out in unison. Whichever it was, it was nearly drowned out in the enthusiastic roar of the crowd.

  A soldier seized my wrists and twisted them painfully behind my back. Looking about, I saw the same thing had happened to Aahz. Needless to say, this was not the support we had been hoping for.

  "What did you expect?" the officer sneered at us. "If you wanted help from the military, you shouldn't have included us on your list of customers. If we had had our way, we would have strung you up a week ago. The only reason we held back was these yokels had given you extra time and we were afraid of a riot if we tried anything."

  Our wrists were secured by thongs now. We were slowly being herded toward a lone tree in front of one of the open-air restaurants.

  "Has anyone got some rope?" the officer called to the crowd.

  Just our luck, somebody did. It was passed rapidly to the officer, who began ceremoniously tying nooses.

  "Psst! kid!" Aahz whispered.

  "What now?" I mumbled bitterly.

  My faith in Aahz's advice was at an all-time low.

  "When they go to hang you, fly!"

  "What?"

  Despite myself, I was seized with new hope.

  "C'mon, kid. Wake up! Fly. Like I taught you on the trail."

  "They'd just shoot me down."

  "Not fly away, dummy. Just fly. Hover at the end of the rope and twitch. They'll think you're hanging."

  I thought about it… hard. It might work, but… I noticed they were tossing the nooses over a lower limb of the tree.

  "Aahz! I can't do it. I can't levitate us both. I'm not that good yet."

  "Not both of us, kid. Just you. Don't worry about me."

  "But… Aahz…."

  "Keep my disguise up, though. If they figure out I'm a demon they'll burn the bodies… both of them."

  "But Aahz…."

  We were out of time. Rough hands shoved us forward and started fitting the nooses over our heads.

  I realized with a start I had no time to think about Aahz. I'd need all my concentration to save myself, if there was even time for that!

  I closed my eyes and sought desperately for a force line in the air. There was one there… faint, but there. I began to focus on it.

  The noose tightened around my neck and I felt my feet leave the ground. I felt panic rising in me and forced it down.

  Actually it was better this way. They should feel weight on the rope as they raised me. I concentrated on the force line again… focus… draw the energies… redirect them.

  I felt a slight loosening of the noose. Remembering Aahz's lectures on control, I held the energies right there and tried an experimental breath. I could get air! Not much, it was true, but enough to survive.

  What else did I have to do? Oh yes, I had to twitch. I thought back to how a squirrel-badger acted when caught in a snare.

  I kicked my legs slightly and tried an experimental tremor. It had the overall effect of tightening the noose. I decided to try another tactic. I let my head loll to one side and extended my tongue out of the corner of my mouth.

  It worked. There was a sudden increase in the volume of the cat-calls from the crowd to reward my efforts.

  I held that pose.

  My tongue was rapidly drying out, but I forced my mind away from it. To avoid involuntarily swallowing, I tried to think of other things.

  Poor Aahz. For all his gruff criticism and claims of not caring for anyone else but himself, his last act had been to think of my welfare. I promised myself that when I got down from here….

  What would happen when I got down from here? What do they do with bodies in this town? Do they bury them? It occurred to me it might be better to hang than be buried alive.

  "The law says they're supposed to hang there until they rot!"

  The officer's voice seemed to answer my thoughts and brought my mind back to the present.

  "Well, they aren't hanging in front of the law's restaurant!" came an angry voice in response.

  "Tell you what. We'll come back at sundown and cut them down."

  "Sundown? Do you realize how much money I could lose before sundown? Nobody wants to eat at a place where a corpse dangles its toes in his soup. I've already lost most of the lunch rush!"

  "Hmm… It occurs to me that if the day's business means that much to you, you should be willing to share a little of the profit."

  "So that's the way it is, is it? Oh, very well. Here… for your troubles."

  There was the sound of coins being counted out.

  "That isn't very much. I have to share with my men, you know."

  "You drive a hard bargain! I didn't know bandits had officers."

  More coins were counted, accompanied by the officer's chuckle. It occurred to me that instead of studying magik, I should be devoting my time to bribes and graft. It seemed to work better.

  "Men!" the officer called. "Cut this carrion down and haul it out of town. Leave it at the city limits as a warning to anyone else who would seek to .cheat the citizens of Twixt."

  "You're too considerate." The restaurant owner's voice was edged with sarcasm.

  "Think nothing of it, citizen," the officer sneered.

  I barely remembered to stop flying before they cut the rope. I bit my tongue as I started into the ground, and risked sneaking it back into my mouth. No one noticed.

  Unseen hands grabbed me under the armpits and by the ankles, and the journey began to the city limits.

  Now that I knew I wasn't going to be buried, my thoughts returned to my future.

  First, I would have to do something to Frumple. What, I wasn't sure, but something. I owed Aahz that much. Maybe I could restore Quigley and enlist his aid. He was supposed to be a demon hunter. He was probably better equipped to handle a Deveel than I was. Then again, remembering Quigley, that might not be a valid assumption.

  Then there was Isstvan. What was I going to do about him? I wasn't sure I could beat him with Aahz's help. Without it, I wouldn't stand a chance.

  "This should be far enough. Shall we hang them again?"

  I froze at the suggestion. Fortunately the voice at my feet had different ideas.

  "Why bother? I haven't seen an officer yet who'd move a hundred paces from a bar. Let's just dump 'em here."

  There was a general chorus of assent, and the next minute I was flying through the air again. I tried to relax for the impact, but the ground knocked the wind out of me again.

  If I was going to continue my efforts to master flying, I'd have to devote more time to the art of forced landings.

  I lay there motionless. I couldn't hear the soldiers any more, but I didn't want to run the risk of sitting up and betraying the fact I wasn't dead.

  "Are you going to lay there all day or are you going to help me get untied?"

  My eyes flew open involuntarily. Aahz was sitting there grinning down at me.

  There was only one sensible thing to do, and I did it. I fainted.

  Chapter Fifteen

  "Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

  -R. HOOD

  "CAN we move now?" I asked.

  "Not yet, kid. Wait until the lights have been out for a full day."

  "You mean a full hour."

  "Whatever. Now shut up and keep watching."

  We were waiting in the dead-end alley across the street from Frumple's shop. Even though we were supposedly secure in our new disguises, I was uneasy being back in the same town where I had been hung. It's a hard feeling to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Then too, it was strange being with Aahz after I had gotten used to the idea of him being dead.

  Apparently the
neck muscles of a Pervect are considerably stronger than those of a human. Aahz had simply tensed those muscles and they provided sufficient support to keep the noose from cutting off his air supply.

  As a point of information, Aahz had further informed me that his scales provided better armor than most chain-mail or plate armor available in this dimension. I had heard once that demons could only be destroyed by specially constructed weapons or by burning. It seemed the old legends may have actually had some root in fact.

  "Okay, kid," Aahz whispered. "I guess we've waited long enough."

  He eased himself out of the alley and led me in a long circle around the shop, stopping again only when we had returned to our original spot by the alley. "Well, what do you think, kid?"

  "Don't know. What were we looking for?"

  "Tell me again about how you planned to be a thief," Aahz sighed. "Look, kid. We're looking over a target. Right?"

  "Right," I replied, glad to be able to agree with something. "Okay, how many ways in and out of that shop did you see?"

  "Just one. The one across the street there."

  "Right. Now how do you figure we're going to get into the shop?"

  "I don't know," I said honestly.

  "C'nion, kid. If there's only one way in…."

  "You mean we're just going to walk in the front door?"

  "Why not? We can see from here the door's open."

  "Well… if you say so, Aahz. I just thought it would be harder than that."

  "Whoa! Nobody said it was going to be easy. Just because the door's open doesn't mean the door's open."

  "I didn't quite get that, Aahz."

  "Think, kid. We're after a Deveel, right? He's got access to all kinds of magic and gimmicks. Now what say you close your eyes and take another look at that door."

  I did as I was told. Immediately the image of a glowing cage sprang into my mind, a cage that completely enclosed the shop.

  "He's got some kind of ward up, Aahz," I informed my partner.

  It occurred to me that a few short weeks ago I would have held such a structure in awe. Now, I accepted it as relatively normal, just another obstacle to be overcome.

  "Describe it to me," Aahz hissed.

  "Well… it's bright… whitish purple… there's a series of bars and crossbars forming squares about a hand-span across…."