Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  "Welcome to Deva, kid," Aahz gestured expansively. "What do you think?"

  "It's loud." I observed.

  "What?"

  "I said, 'it's loud!' " I shouted.

  "Oh, well. It's a bit livelier than your average Farmer's Market or Fisherman's Wharf, but there are noisier places to be."

  I was about to respond when a passerby careened into me. He, or she, had eyes spaced all around his head and fur-covered tentacles instead of arms.

  "Wzkip!" it said, waving a tentacle as it continued on its way.

  "Aahz!"

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "It just occurred to me. What language do they speak on Deva?"

  "Hmm? Oh! Don't worry about it, kid. They speak all languages here. No Deveel that's been hatched would let a sale get away just because they couldn't speak the right tongue. Just drop a few sentences on 'em in Klahdish and they'll adapt fast enough."

  "Okay, Aahz. Now that we're here, where do we go first?"

  There was no answer. I tore my eyes away from the Bazaar and glanced at my partner. He was standing motionless, sniffing the air.

  "Aahz?"

  "Hey kid, do you smell that?" he asked eagerly.

  I sniffed the air.

  "Yeah!" I gagged. "What died?"

  "C'mon, kid. Follow me."

  He plunged off into the crowd, leaving me little choice but to trail after him. Hands plucked at our sleeves as we passed, and various Deveels leaned out of their stalls and tents to call to us as we passed, but Aahz didn't slacken his pace. I couldn't get a clear look at any of the displays as we passed. Keeping up with Aahz demanded most of my concentration. One tent, however, did catch my eye.

  "Look. Aahz! "I cried.

  "What?"

  "It's raining in that tent!"

  As if in answer to my words, a boom of thunder and a crackle of lightning erupted from the display.

  "Yeah. So?" Aahz dismissed it with a glance.

  "What are they selling, rain?"

  "Naw. Weather-control devices. They're scattered through the whole Bazaar instead of hanging together in one section. Something about the devices interfering with each other."

  "Are all the displays that spectacular?"

  "That isn't spectacular, kid. They used to do tornados until the other booths complained and they had to limit their demonstrations to the tame stuff. Now hurry up!"

  "Where are we going anyway, Aahz? And what is that smell?"

  The repulsive aroma was growing noticeably stronger.

  "That," proclaimed Aahz, coming to a halt in front of a dome-shaped tent, "is the smell of Pervish cooking!"

  "Food? We came all this way so you could have a meal?"

  "First things first, kid. I haven't had a decent meal since Garkin called me out of the middle of a party and stranded me in your idiot dimension."

  "But we're supposed to be looking for something to use against Isstvan."

  "Relax, kid. I haggle better on a full stomach. Just wait here. I won't be long."

  "Wait here? Can't I go in with you?"

  "I don't think you'd like it, kid. To anyone who wasn't born on Perv, the food looks even worse than it smells."

  I found that hard to believe, but pursued the argument gamely.

  "I'm not all that weak-stomached, you know. When I was living in the woods, I ate some pretty weird things myself."

  "I'll tell ya, kid, the main problem with Pervish food is keeping the goo from crawling out of the bowl while you're eating it."

  "I'll wait here," I decided.

  "Good. Like I say, I won't be long. You can watch the dragons until I get back."

  "Dragons?" I said, but he had already disappeared through the tent flap.

  I turned slowly and looked at the display behind me.

  Dragons!

  There was an enormous stall stocked with dragons not fifteen feet from where I was standing. Most of the beasts were tethered at the back wall which kept me from seeing them as we approached, but upon direct viewing there was no doubt they were dragons.

  Curiosity made me drift over to join the small crowd in front of the stall. The stench was overwhelming, but after a whiff of Pervish cooking, it seemed almost pleasant.

  I had never seen a dragon before, but the specimens in the stall lived up to the expectations of my daydreams. They were huge, easily ten or fifteen feet high at the shoulder and a full thirty feet long. Their necks were long and serpentine, and their clawed feet dug great gouges in the ground as they shifted their weight nervously.

  I was surprised to see how many varieties there were. It had never occurred to me that there might be more than one type of dragon, but here was living proof to the contrary. Besides the green dragons I had always envisioned, there were red, black, gold and blue dragons. There was even one that was mauve. Some were winged and some weren't. Some had wide, massive jaws and

  others had narrow snouts. Some had eyes that were squinting and slanted, while others had huge moon-like eyes that never seemed to blink. They had two things in common, however: they were all big and they all looked thoroughly nasty.

  My attention was drawn to the Deveel running the operation. He was the biggest Deveel I had ever seen, fully eight feet tall with arms like trees. It was difficult to say which was more fearsome in appearance, the dragons or their keeper.

  He brought one of the red dragons to the center of the stall and released it with a flourish. The beast raised its head and surveyed the crowd with seething yellow eyes. The crowd fell back a few steps before that gaze. I seriously considered leaving.

  The Deveel shouted a few words at the crowd in gibberish I couldn't understand, then picked up a sword from the rack by the wall.

  Fast as a cat, the dragon arched his neck and spat a stream of fire at its keeper. By some miracle, the flame parted as it hit the Deveel and passed harmlessly on either side of him.

  The keeper smiled and turned to shout a few more words at his audience. As he did, the dragon leapt at him with murderous intent. The Deveel dove to the ground and rolled out from under the attack as the beast landed with an impact that shook the tent. The dragon whirled, but the keeper was on his feet again, holding aloft a pendant before the beast's eyes.

  I didn't understand his move, but apparently the dragon did, for it cowered back on its haunches. The Deveel pointed forcefully and it slunk back to its place at the back of the stall.

  A small ripple of applause rippled through the crowd. Apparently they were impressed with the ferocity of the dragon's attack. Me, I was impressed by the pendant.

  The keeper acknowledged the applause and launched into another spiel of gibberish, this time punctuated by gestures and exclamations.

  I decided it was about time for me to go.

  "Gleep!"

  There was a tug at my sleeve.

  I looked around. There, behind me, was a small dragon! Well, he was about four feet high and ten feet long, but after looking at the other dragons, he seemed small. He was green with big blue eyes and what appeared to be a drooping white mustache.

  For a split second I was panicky, but that rapidly gave way to curiosity. He didn't look dangerous. He seemed quite content just standing there chewing on….

  My sleeve! The beast was eating a piece of my sleeve! I looked down and confirmed that part of my shirt was indeed missing.

  "Gleep," said the dragon again, stretching his neck out for another mouthful.

  "Go away!" I said, and cuffed him before I realized what I was doing.

  "Gleep?" it said, puzzled.

  I started to edge away. I was unsure of what to do if he cut loose with a blast of fire and therefore eager to avoid it.

  "Gleep," it said, shuffling after me.

  "Gazabkp!" roared a voice behind me.

  I spun and found myself looking at a hairy stomach. I followed it up, way up, and saw the dragon keeper's face looming over me.

  "I'm sorry," I apologized readily. "I don't speak your language."

>   "Oh. A Klahd!" The Deveel boomed. "Well, the Statement still stands. Pay up!"

  "Pay up for what?"

  "For the dragon! What do you think, we're giving away samples?"

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, pressing his head against my leg.

  "There seems to be some mistake," I said hastily.

  "I'll say there is," the Deveel scowled. "And making it. We don't take kindly to shop-lifting Deva!"

  "Gleep!" said the dragon.

  Things were rapidly getting out of hand. If needed Aahz's help or advice, it was now. I shot a desperate glance toward the tent he was in, hoping beyond hope to see him emerge.

  He wasn't there. In fact, the tent wasn't there! gone, vanished into thin air, and so had Aahz!

  Chapter Eighteen

  "No matter what the product or service might be, you can find it somewhere else cheaper!"

  -E. SCROOGE

  "WHERE did that tent go?" I demanded desperately.

  "What tent?" The keeper blinked, looming behind me.

  "That tent," I exclaimed, pointing at the now vacant space.

  The Deveel frowned, craning his neck, which at his height, gave him considerable visibility.

  "There isn't any tent there," he announced with finality.

  "I know! That's the point!"

  "Hey! Quit trying to change the subject!" The keeper growled, poking me in the chest with an unbelievably large finger. "Are you going to pay for the dragon or not?"

  I looked around for support, but no one was watching. Apparently disputes such as this were common on Deva.

  "I told you there's been a mistake! I don't want your dragon."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, cocking his head at me.

  "Don't give me that!" the keeper boomed. "If you didn't want him, why did you feed him?"

  "I didn't feed him! He ate a piece of my sleeve!"

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, making another unsuccessful pass at my shirt.

  "So you admit he got food from you?"

  "Well… in a manner of speaking… Yeah! So what?" I was getting tired of being shouted at.

  "So pay up! He's no good to me anymore."

  I surveyed the dragon. He didn't seem to be any the worse for having eaten the shirt. "What's wrong with him? He looks all right to me."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, and sidled up to me again.

  "Oh! He's fine," the keeper sneered. "Except now he's attached. An attached dragon isn't any good except to the person or thing he's attached to."

  "Well, who's he attached to?"

  "Don't get smart with me! He's attached to you! Has been ever since you fed him."

  "Well, feed him again and unattach him! I have pressing matters elsewhere."

  "Just like that, huh?" the Deveel said skeptically, towering to new heights. "You know very well it doesn't work that way. Once a dragon's attached, it's attached forever. That's why they're so valuable."

  "Forever?" I asked.

  "Well… until one of you dies. But any fool knows not to feed a dragon unless they want it attached to them. The idiot beasts are too impressionable, especially the young ones like this."

  I looked at the dragon again. He was very young. His wings were just beginning to bud, which I took as a sign of immaturity, and his fangs were needle-sharp instead of worn to rounded points like his brethren in the stall. Still, there was strength in the muscles rippling beneath those scales… yes, I decided, I'd back my dragon in a fight against any….

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, licking both ends of his mustache simultaneously with his forked tongue.

  That brought me to my senses. A dragon? What did I want with a dragon?

  "Well." I said haughtily, "I guess I'm not just any fool, then. If I had known the consequences of allowing him to eat my sleeve, I would have…"

  "Look, sonny!" The Deveel snarled, poking my chest again. "If you think you're going to…."

  Something inside me snapped. I knocked his hand away with a fury that surprised me.

  "The name isn't 'Sonny,' " I hissed in a low voice I didn't recognize as my own. "It's Skeeve! Now lower your voice when you're talking to me and keep your dirty finger to yourself!"

  I was shaking, though whether from rage or from fear I couldn't tell. I had spent my entire burst of emotion in that tirade and now found myself wondering if I would survive the aftermath.

  Surprisingly, the keeper gave ground a few steps at my tirade, and was now studying me with new puzzlement. I felt a pressure at the back of my legs and risked a glance. The dragon was now crouched behind me, craning his neck to peer around my waist at the keeper.

  "I'm sorry." The keeper was suddenly humble and fawning. "I didn't recognize you at first. You said your name was…?"

  "Skeeve." I prompted haughtily.

  "Skeeve." He frowned thoughtfully. "Strange. I don't remember that name."

  I wasn't sure who or what he thought I was, but if I had learned one thing traveling with Aahz, it was to recognize and seize an advantage when I saw one.

  "The secrecy surrounding my identity should be a clue in itself, if you know what I mean," I murmured, giving him my best conspiratorial wink.

  "Of course," he responded. "I should have realized immediately…."

  "No matter," I yawned. "Now then, about the dragon…."

  "Yes. Forgive me for losing my temper, but you can see my predicament."

  It seemed strange having someone that immense simpering at me, but I rose to the occasion. "Well, I'm sure we can work something out," I smiled.

  As I spoke, a thought flashed through my head. Aahz had all our money! I didn't have a single item of any value on me except….

  I reached into my pocket, forcing myself to make the move casual. It was still there! The charm I had taken from Quigley's statue-body that allowed the wearer to see through spells. I had taken it when Aahz wasn't looking and had kept it hidden in case it might be useful in some crisis. Well, this definitely looked like a crisis!

  "Here!" I said, tossing the charm to him. "I believe this should settle our accounts."

  He caught it deftly and gave it a fast, squinting appraisal.

  "This?" he said. "You want to purchase a hatchling dragon for this?"

  I had no idea of the charm's relative worth, but bluffing had gotten me this far.

  "I do not haggle," I said coldly. "That is my first and final offer. If it is not satisfactory, then return the charm and see if you can get a better price for an attached dragon."

  "You drive a hard bargain, Skeeve." The Deveel was still polite, but his smile looked like it hurt. "Very well, it's a deal. Shake on it." He extended his hand.

  There was a sudden hissing noise and my vision was obscured. The dragon had arched his neck forward over my head and was confronting the Deveel eye-to-eye. His attitude was suddenly a miniature version of the ferocity I had seen displayed earlier by his larger brethren. I realized with a start that he was defending me!

  Apparently the keeper realized it too, for he jerked back his hand as if he had just stuck it in an open fire.

  "… if you could call off your dragon long enough for us to dose the deal?" he suggested with forced politeness.

  I wasn't sure just how I was supposed to do this, but I was willing to give it a try.

  "He's okay!" I shouted, thumping the dragon on the side of the neck to get his attention.

  "Gleep?" said the dragon, turning his head to peer into my face.

  I noticed his breath was bad enough to kill an insect in flight.

  "It's okay," I repeated, edging out from under his neck.

  Since I was already moving, I stepped forward and shook the keeper's hand. He responded absently, never taking his eyes from the dragon.

  "Say," I said. "Confidentially, I'm rather new to the dragon game. What does he eat… besides shirts. I mean."

  "Oh, a little of this and a little of that. They're omnivorous, so they can eat anything, but they're picky eaters. Just let him alone and he'll choose
his own diet… old clothes, selected leaves, house pets."

  "Terrific! "I mumbled.

  "Well, if you'll excuse me I've got other customers to talk to."

  "Just a minute! Don't I get one of those pendants like you used to control the big dragons?"

  "Hmm? What for?"

  "Well… to control my dragon."

  "Those are to control unattached dragons. You don't need one for one that's attached to you and it wouldn't work on a dragon that's attached to someone else."

  "Oh," I said, with a wisdom I didn't feel.

  "If you want one, though, I have a cousin who has a stall that sells them. It's about three rows up and two rows over. It might be a good investment for you. Could save wear and tear on your dragon if you come up against an unattached dragon. It'd give junior there a better chance of growing up."

  "That brings up another question," I said. "How long does it take?"

  "Not long. It's just three rows up and…."

  "No. I mean how long until my dragon reaches maturity?"

  "Oh, not more than four or five centuries."

  "Gleep!"

  I'm not sure if the dragon said that or I did.

  Chapter Nineteen

  "By persevering over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination."

  -C. COLUMBUS

  "C'MON. Gleep," I said.

  "Gleep," my dragon responded, falling in behind me.

  Now that I was the not-so-proud owner of a permanently immature dragon, I was more eager than ever to find Aahz. At the moment, I was alone in a strange dimension, penniless, and now I had a dragon tagging after me. The only way things could be worse would be if the situation became permanent, which could happen if Aahz decided to return to Klah without me.