Another Fine Myth

by Robert Asprin

  The place previously occupied by the Pervish restaurant tent was definitely empty, even at close examination, so I decided to ask the Deveel running the neighboring booth.

  "Um… excuse me, sir."

  I decided I was going to be polite as possible for the duration of my stay on Deva. The last thing I needed was another dispute with a Deveel. It seemed, however, in this situation I needn't have worried.

  "No excuses are necessary, young sahr." The proprietor smiled eagerly, displaying an impressive number of teeth.

  "You are interested in purchasing a stick?"

  •'A stick?"

  "Of course!" the Deveel gestured grandly around his stall. "The finest sticks in all the dimensions."

  "Aah… thanks, but we have plenty of sticks in my home dimension."

  "Not like these sticks, young sahr. You are from Klah, are you not?"

  "Yes, why?"

  "I can guarantee you, there are no such sticks as these in all of Klah. They come from a dimension only I have access to and I have not sold them in Klah or to anyone who was going there."

  Despite myself, my curiosity was piqued. I looked again at the sticks lining the walls of the stall. They looked like ordinary sticks such as could be found anywhere.

  "What do they do?" I asked cautiously.

  "Aah! Different ones do different things. Some control animals, others control plants. A few very rare ones allow you to summon an army of warriors from the stones themselves. Some of the most powerful magicians of any dimension wield staffs of the same wood as these sticks, but for most people's purposes the Smaller model will suffice."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, sniffing at one of the sticks.

  "Leave it alone!" I barked, shoving his head away from the display.

  All I needed was to have my dragon eat up the entire stock of one of these super-merchants.

  "May I inquire, is that your dragon, young sahr?"

  "Well… sort of."

  "In that case, you might find a particular use for a stick most magicians wouldn't."

  "What's that?"

  "You could use it to beat your dragon."

  Gleep!" said the dragon, looking at me with his big blue eyes.

  "Actually, I'm not really interested in a stick."

  I thought I'd better get to my original purpose before this conversation got out of hand.

  "Ridiculous, young sahr. Everybody should have a stick."

  "The reason I stopped here in the first place is I wondered if you knew what happened to that tent."

  "What tent, young sahr?"

  I had a vague feeling of having had this conversation before.

  "The tent that was right there next to your stall."

  "The Pervish restaurant?" The Deveel's voice was tinged with horror.

  "Gleep," said the dragon.

  "Why would you seek such place, young sahr? You seem well-bred and educated."

  "I had a friend who was inside the tent when it vanished."

  "You have a Pervert for a friend?" His voice had lost its friendly tone.

  "Well actually… urn… it's a long story."

  "I can tell you this much, punk. It didn't disappear, it moved on," the Deveel snarled, without the accent or politeness he had displayed earlier.

  "Moved on?"

  "Yeah. It's a new ordinance we passed. AU places serving Pervish food have to migrate. They cannot be established permanently, or even temporarily at any point in the Bazaar."

  "Why?" I asked.

  "Have you ever smelled Pervish food? It's enough to make a scavenger nauseous. Would you want to man a stall downwind of that for a whole day? In this heat?"

  "I see what you mean," I admitted.

  "Either they moved or the Bazaar did, and we have them outnumbered."

  "But what exactly do you mean, move?"

  "The tents! All that's involved is a simple spell or two. Either they constantly move at a slow pace, or they stay in one place for a short period and then scuttle off to a new location, but they all move."

  "How does anyone find one, then, if they keep moving around?"

  "That's easy, just follow your nose."

  I sniffed the air experimentally. Sure enough, the unmistakable odor was still lingering in the air.

  "Gleep!" the dragon had imitated my action and was now rubbing his nose with one paw.

  "Well, thank you… for… your…."

  I was talking to thin air. The Deveel was at the other end of the stall, baring his teeth at another customer. It occurred to me that the citizens of Deva were not particularly concerned with social pleasantries beyond those necessary to transact a sale.

  I set out to follow the smell of the Pervish restaurant with the dragon faithfully trailing along behind. Despite my growing desire to reunite with Aahz, my pace was considerably slower than that Aahz had set when we first arrived. I was completely mesmerized by this strange Bazaar and wanted to see as much of it as I could.

  Upon more leisurely examination, there did seem to be a vague order to the Bazaar. The various stalls and booths were generally grouped by type of merchandise. This appeared to be more from circumstance than by plan. Apparently, if one Deveel set up a display, say, of invisible cloaks, in no time at all he had a pack of competitors in residence around him, each vying to top the other for quality of goods or prices. Most of the confused babble of voices were disputes between the merchants over the location of their respective stalls or the space occupied by the same.

  The smell grew stronger as I wandered through an area specializing in exotic and magical jewelry, which I resisted the temptation to examine more closely. The temptation was even stronger as I traversed an area which featured weaponry. It occurred to me that I might find a weapon here we could use against Isstvan, but the smell of the Pervish food was even stronger now, and I steeled myself to finish my search. We could look for a weapon after I found Aahz. From the intensity of the stench, I was sure we would find our objective soon.

  "C'mon, Gleep," I encouraged.

  The dragon was hanging back now and didn't respond except to speed his pace a bit.

  I expectantly rounded one last corner and came 10 an abrupt halt. I had found the source of the odor.

  I was looking at the back of a large display of some alien livestock. There was a large pile of some moist green and yellow substance in front of me. As I watched, a young Deveel emerged from the display holding a shovel filled with the same substance. He glanced at me quizzically as he heaved the load onto the pile and returned to the display.

  A dung heap! I had been following the smell of a dung heap!

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, looking at me quizzically.

  He seemed to be asking me what we were going to do next. That was a good question.

  I stood contemplating my next move. Probably the best chance would be to retrace our steps back to the stick seller and try again.

  "Spare a girl a little time, handsome?"

  I whirled around. A girl was standing there, a girl unlike any I had ever seen before. She was Klahdish in appearance and could have passed for another of my dimension except for her complexion and hair. Her skin was a marvelous golden-olive hue, and her head was crowned with a mane of light green hair that shimmered in the sun. She was a little taller than me and incredibly curvaceous, her generous figure straining against the confines of her clothes.

  "… or have you really got a thing about dung heaps?" she concluded.

  She had almond cat-eyes that danced with mischief as she talked.

  "Um… are you talking to me?" I stammered.

  "Of course I'm talking to you," she purred, coming close to me and twining her arms around my neck.

  "I'm certainly not talking to your dragon. I mean, he's cute and all, but my tastes don't run in those directions."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon.

  I felt my body temperature soar. The touch of her arms caused a tingling sensation which seemed to wreak havoc on my metabolism. />
  "Urn… actually I'm looking for a friend," I blurted.

  "Well, you've found one," she murmured, moving her body against me.

  "Aah… I… urn." Suddenly I was having trouble concentrating. "What is it you want?"

  "Hmm," she said thoughtfully, "Even though it's not my normal line, I think I'd like to tell your fortune… free."

  "Oh?" I said, surprised.

  This was the first time since I reached the Bazaar that anyone had offered me anything for free. I didn't know if I should be happy or suspicious.

  "You're going to have a fight," she whispered in my ear. "A big one."

  "What?" I exclaimed. "When? With who?"

  "Easy, handsome." she warned, tightening her grip around my neck. "When is in a very few minutes. With who is the rat pack over my shoulder… don't look right at them!"

  Her final sharp warning checked my reflexive glance. Moving more cautiously, I snuck a peek out of the corner of my eye.

  Lounging against a shop wall, watching us closely, were a dozen or so of the ugliest, nastiest looking characters I have ever seen.

  "Them? I mean, all of them?" I asked.

  "Uh-huh!" she confirmed, snuggling into my chest.

  "Why?" I demanded.

  "I probably shouldn't tell you this," she smiled, "but because of me."

  Only her firm grip on me kept me from dislodging her with a shove.

  "You? What about you?"

  "Well, they're an awfully greedy bunch. One way or another, they're going to make some money from this encounter. Normally, you'd give the money to me and I'd cut them in for a share. In the unlikely event that doesn't work, they'll pretend to be defending my honor and beat it out of you."

  "But you don't understand! I don't have any money."

  "I know that. That's why you're going to get into a fight, see?"

  "If you knew I didn't have any money, why did you…."

  "Oh, I didn't know when I first stopped you. I found out just now when I searched you."

  "Searched me?"

  "Oh, come on, handsome. There's more ways to search a person than with your hands," she winked knowingly at me.

  "Well, can't you tell them I don't have any money?"

  "They wouldn't believe me. The only way they'd be convinced is searching you themselves."

  "I'd be willing to let them if that's what it takes to convince them."

  "I don't think you would," she smiled, stroking my face with her hand. "One of the things they'll look for is if you swallowed your money."

  "Oh!" I said, "I see what you mean. But I can't fight them. I don't have any weapons."

  "You have that little knife under your shirt at the small of your back," she pointed out.

  I had forgotten about my skinning knife. I started to believe in her no-hands frisking technique.

  "But I've never been in a fight before."

  "Well, I think you're about to learn."

  "Say, why are you telling me all this, anyway?" I asked.

  "I don't know," she shrugged. "I like your act. That's why I singled you out in the first place. Then again, I feel a little guilty about having gotten you into this."

  "Will you help me?"

  "I don't feel that guilty, handsome," she smiled. "But there is one more thing I can do for you."

  She started to pull me toward her.

  "Wait a minute," I protested. "Won't that…."

  "Relax, handsome," she purred. "You're about to get pounded for offending my honor. You might as well get a little of the sweet along with the bitter."

  Before I could protest further, she kissed me. Long and warm and sweet, she kissed me.

  I had never been kissed by anyone except my mother. This was different! The fight, the dragon, Aahz, everything faded from my mind. I was lost in the wonder of that moment.

  "Hey!"

  A rough hand fell on my shoulder and pulled us apart.

  "Is this shrimp bothering you, lady?"

  The person on the other end of that hand was no taller than I was, but he was twice as broad and had short, twisted tusks protruding from his mouth. His cronies had fanned out behind him, effectively boxing me in against the dung heap.

  I looked at the girl. She shrugged and backed away.

  It looked like I was going to have to fight all of them. Me and the dragon. Terrific.

  I remembered my skinning knife. It wasn't much, but it was all I had. As casually as I could, I reached behind me and tugged at my shirt, trying to pull it up so I could get at the knife. The knife promptly fell down inside my pants.

  The wrecking crew started forward.

  Chapter Twenty

  "With the proper consideration in choice of allies, victory may be guaranteed in any conflict."

  -B. ARNOLD

  "GET'em, Gleep!" I barked.

  The dragon bounded into action, a move which I think surprised me more than it did my assailants.

  It leaped between me and the advancing rat pack and crouched there, hissing menacingly. His tail gave a mighty lash which neatly swept the legs out from under two of the flanking members of the party. Somehow, he seemed much bigger when he was mad.

  "Watch out! He's got a dragon!" the leader called.

  "Thanks for the warning!" one of the fallen men growled, struggling to regain his feet.

  "I've got him!" came a voice from my left.

  I turned just in time to see a foot-long dagger flashing through the air at the dragon's neck. My dragon!

  Suddenly I was back at the practice sessions. My mind darted out and grabbed at the knife. It jerked to a halt in midair and hovered there.

  "Nice move, handsome!" the girl called.

  "Hey! The shrimp's a magician!"

  The pack fell back a few steps.

  "That's right!" I barked. "Skeeve's the name, magik's the game. What kind of clod did you think you were dealing with?"

  With that, I brought the dagger down, swooping it back and forth through their formation. I was mad now. One of these louts had tried to kill my dragon!

  "A dozen of you isn't enough!" I shouted. "Go back and get some friends… if you have any!"

  I cast about desperately for something else to throw. My eyes fell on the dung heap. I smiled to myself despite my anger. Why not?

  In a moment I had great gobs of dung hurtling through the air at my assailants. My accuracy wasn't the best, but it was good enough as the outraged howls testified.

  "Levitation!" the leader bawled. "Quanto! Stop him!"

  "Right, boss!"

  One of the plug-uglies waved in affirmation and started rummaging through his belt pouch.

  He had made a mistake identifying himself. I didn't know what he was about to come up with, but I was sure I didn't want to wait and find out.

  "Stop him, Gleep!" I ordered, pointing to the victim.

  The dragon raised his head and fixed his gaze on the fumbling brigand. With a sound that might have been a roar if he were older, he shot a stream of flame and charged.

  It wasn't much of a stream of flame, and it missed to boot, but it was enough to get the brigand's attention. He looked up to see a mountain of dragon flesh bearing down on him and panicked. Without pausing to call to his comrades, he spun and ran off screaming with the dragon in hot pursuit.

  "Okay, shrimp! Let's see you stop this!"

  I jerked my attention back to the leader. He was standing now, confidently holding aloft a stick. Yesterday it wouldn't have fazed me, but knowing what I did now, I froze. I didn't know what model it was, but apparently the leader was confident its powers would surpass my own.

  He grinned evilly and slowly began to level the stick at me.

  I tried desperately to think of a defense, but couldn't. I didn't even know what I was supposed to be defending against!

  Suddenly, something flashed across my line of vision and the stick was gone.

  I blinked and looked again. The stick was lying on the ground, split by a throwing knife, a bla
ck-handled throwing knife.

  "Any trouble here, Master Skeeve?" a voice boomed.

  I spun toward the source of the voice. Aahz was standing there, cocked crossbow leveled at the pack. He was grinning broadly, which I have mentioned before is not that comforting to anyone who doesn't know him.

  "A Pervert!" the leader gasped.

  "What?" Aahz swung the crossbow toward him.

  "I mean a Pervect!" the leader amended hastily.

  "That's better. How about it, Skeeve? You want 'em dead or running?"

  I looked at the rat pack. Without breaking their frozen tableau, they pleaded with me with their eyes.

  "Um… running, I think," I said thoughtfully. "They smell bad enough alive. Dead they might give the Bazaar a bad name."

  "You heard him," Aahz growled. "Move!"

  They disappeared like they had melted into the ground.

  "Aahz!"

  The girl came flying forward to throw her arms around him.

  "Tanda!" Aahz exclaimed, lowering the crossbow. "Are you mixed up with that pack?"

  "Are you kidding? I'm the bait!" she winked bawdily.

  'Little low class for you, isn't it?"

  "Aah… it's a living."

  "Why'd you leave the Assassins?"

  "Got tired of paying union dues."

  "Um… harrumph…." I interrupted.

  "Hmm?" Aahz looked around. "Oh! Sorry, kid. Say, have you two met?"

  "Sort of," the girl acknowledged. "We… say, is this the friend you were looking for, handsome?"

  "Handsome?" Aahz wrinkled his nose.

  "Well, yes," I admitted. "We got separated back by the…."

  "Handsome?" Aahz repeated.

  "Oh, hush!" the girl commanded, slapping his stomach playfully. "I like him. He's got style."

  "Actually, I don't believe we've met formally," I said, giving my most winning smile. "My name is Skeeve."

  "Well, la-de-dah!" Aahz grumbled.

  "Ignore him. I'm Tananda, but call me Tanda."

  "Love to, "I leered.

  "If you two are quite through…." Aahz interrupted, "I have a couple questions…."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, prancing up to our assemblage.

  "What's that?" Aahz demanded.

  "It's a dragon," I said helpfully.

  Tanda giggled rudely.