More of You: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  Pain sliced through me.

  A sharp blade that cut and mangled.

  How could Joseph have been involved in these things?

  How hadn’t I demanded more answers rather than playing the fool?

  I choked over a pained sound. Horrified that I’d been so blind. Horrified for Courtney, who was still dealing with the guilt of bringing Felix into our lives, as if she ever could have known what the man’s intentions had been.

  Mack swiped his wrist across his mouth, his own regret and guilt showing. “Felix killed Joseph because of his betrayal to Steven. But he still needed the log that Joseph had been using as a shield. I think Joseph thought if he held it over their heads, made them believe he was going to turn it over to the detectives, it would keep him safe.”

  He gave a harsh shake of his head. “But I guess he knew that wasn’t going to work, that it was already too late, because he had a note for me hidden in those letters you found. It was information on where to find the log. He had it stashed in a locker at the gym. It contained a slew of names and information to put these guys away for the rest of their lives.”

  A pang shot through my spirit.

  What a waste, was all I could think. What a waste of a life. Living that way for no reason. He could have been such a good man.

  Hurt and confusion and pity rocked through me in a bolt of feeling I wasn’t expecting.

  What a waste.

  Mack pulled open a drawer, blowing out a breath as he pulled out whatever was inside. Slowly, he slid the stack over to me.

  They were the letters that had been in the safe, the ones Felix had scattered before I had the chance to figure out what they were.

  “These are for you, Faith. I think you should go home and read them through. In private. It’s important.”

  Tears streaked down my face.

  Hot.

  Hurt.

  My insides such a mess I didn’t know up from down.

  The loss of Jace had become this festering mess inside me.

  Each day, it only grew, amplified, became more painful.

  I wasn’t sure I could take any more piled on top of that.

  The truth was, I was angry.

  Angry at Joseph for doing all of this.

  Angry at myself for falling for it, for ever saying yes to Joseph in the first place.

  “I don’t want those,” I told Mack, squeezing my eyes closed and turning my head away.

  He pushed them farther my direction. “Yes, Faith, I promise, you do.”

  Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in front of Courtney’s little house, that stack of letters bound by a rubber band, screaming from the seat as if they had their own voice.

  As if they possessed their own energy.

  I still hadn’t gathered the courage to turn them over to see what they were because my gut told me they were going to destroy me a little bit more.

  And I was desperately sure I couldn’t take any more breakin’.

  That the only thing left holding me together was Button.

  Button.

  She came running out the screen door, taking the one step down and beelining down the red-bricked walk.

  Holding that Beast.

  My insides clutched in a tortuous curl.

  God, I didn’t know how to stand. But I did. I unlatched the door and slid from the car in time to catch her as she jumped into my arms.

  Just holding her was a balm moving through me.

  She’d been acting as if nothing had happened. As if we hadn’t been held hostage by a madman. As if she hadn’t seen Jace get shot.

  Instead, she’d been living in her little fantasy world where she rode on unicorns and the world was always right.

  I knew someday, those fears were bound to come out.

  “Hi, Mommy.”

  I kissed the top of her head. “Hey, Bailey Button. How’s my favorite girl?”

  “I good.”

  She nuzzled her face in my throat, and I wondered if that trauma was right there, lurking under the surface.

  The only thing I wanted was to be strong enough to make it right.

  To provide her with the kind of life I’d always wanted.

  We’d been granted a second chance.

  Freedom.

  Life when we’d been so close to losing it.

  I was trying so hard to cling to that and not the loss that banged around inside me.

  That vacancy so vast.

  Jace’s presence missing.

  Courtney had followed Bailey out, and she wandered down the walkway, her arms crossed over her chest as if she were trying to protect herself. Nursing her own broken heart.

  “Hey,” she said.

  I rocked Bailey a little, looking over at my best friend and just wishin’ all of this could be wiped away.

  Magic.

  “Thank you so much for watchin’ her.”

  Nodding, she swallowed thickly. “It’s the least I could do.”

  My head shook. “Please, don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Feel as if any of this is in any way your fault. You didn’t know.”

  A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, and I knew her well enough to know she was going for sarcasm, trying to make things light the way she always did, but the words cracked. “If I didn’t have such terrible taste in men, none of this would have happened.”

  “You didn’t know,” I told her again.

  Her mouth trembled. “I should have.”

  “I didn’t know, either. I guess sometimes we miss the most important things.”

  Neither of us knew what Joseph and Felix had been involved in.

  The truth was, we’d been blinded. Trusted too easily. Saw the best in people, when really, there was little of it to be found.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  I winced, hugged Bailey closer. “No, I’m not. But one day I’m goin’ to be. You will be, too.”

  “I know.”

  I gave her a smile. “I love you, Courtney. You know that, right?”

  “And you know I love you.”

  My nod was somber and true. “I know.”

  If I didn’t stop this train, I was going to break down right there, so I cleared my throat and shifted my daughter. “I’m going to get home, get her some lunch, and then put her down for a nap.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “All right. If you get lonely, you know where to find us.”

  Her smile was weak. “Oh, I’m sure I’ll find some trouble I can get into.”

  Only Courtney could make me grin. “I’m sure you will.”

  I buckled Bailey in, drove us home to that massive house, wondering what I was goin’ to do now.

  Sell it, I guessed. Turned out, the ghosts living there were really too much. Too scary and dark.

  God, I hated the idea of someone else living there, but I didn’t think I could handle all of it on my own.

  We went inside and into the kitchen. I made us lunch, which we barely touched, and then told Bailey about fifteen stories where I knelt at the side of her bed before she finally fell asleep.

  Her fears were right there, even though she wouldn’t admit them.

  When her breaths had finally evened out, I tucked her under her covers, kissed her temple, breathed her in.

  Lavender and baby powder and hope.

  I was struggling so hard to find any of it in the middle of this.

  Warily, I pushed to my feet and trudged out the door and into my bedroom, moving to the massive dresser where I’d set the stack of letters and had wondered if I’d ever have the courage to actually open them.

  I stared at them as if they might catch fire.

  But I knew I needed to put all of this in the past. To finally, finally move on.

  Because I couldn’t be stuck this way. I had to be strong for my daughter.

  To do that, I had to read what he’d written.

  Hand shaking, I reached out an
d took the stack of envelopes that were wrapped in a single piece of paper that had a single word written on it in Joseph’s distinct handwriting: “Faith.”

  I carried them to my bed, where I sat on the edge. My heart hammered, banged at my ribs.

  Anxiety pulsed as I eased off the rubber band and the piece of paper came loose.

  On a gasp, tears streaked free. So fast and so intense I couldn’t see. Couldn’t see anything but the first envelope that sat on top.

  It was addressed to me.

  But it was where it had come from and the date that crushed me like a speeding car that had come from out of nowhere.

  It was from a correctional facility and was postmarked a year after I’d thought Jace had simply walked out of my life and hadn’t looked back.

  Hands shaking uncontrollably, I flipped it over and opened the lip that had already been ripped open. Mack or Joseph, I wasn’t sure. But none of that mattered.

  Not anymore.

  I swiped the tears away from my eyes, racing to read the words on the page.

  Faith,

  I should have sent this a long time ago. Hell, I shouldn’t have walked away that day without you knowing the reason I had to leave. But I’d thought it was for the best. That I was letting you go so you could live the kind of life that you deserved.

  Sitting in here for the last year has made me realize that I should have known better.

  I know you and I belong together. I know I can be the man you believed I was going to be. I will. It might be harder than ever, but I will.

  I’ll explain why I’m here to you when I get home. I just need you to know that’s where I’ll be going—home to you. And when I get there, I’m going to give you everything. Never give up on that dream.

  All my love,

  Jace

  I pressed a hand to my trembling mouth, trying to hold back the sob, but it was no use. It ripped out of me.

  Jace had intended to come back for me.

  I didn’t know.

  I didn’t know.

  Hit by a frenzy, I ripped into the next letter and the next. Reading the words of his love.

  His confusion that I hadn’t responded.

  His growing fear, and his mounting worry that I’d begun to think of him the same way as the rest of the world.

  As trash and not worthy of me.

  Heartbreak crested in waves. One after another. A rising tide that was going to sweep me away.

  Joseph had kept these from me. Hidden the truth. Took the chance away from us.

  Lied to me.

  Not the way Jace had done. Jace had done it to protect me because he loved me.

  Joseph had done it to benefit himself.

  Hatred ran through my veins. The kind of hatred I’d never felt before. A gutting sorrow that pummeled and pounded, tearing until there would be nothing left.

  I felt ravaged, devastated as I devoured every word, faster and faster, pouring over the letters that had come for years.

  It shouldn’t have been possible for me to crack any further, but this one—this one destroyed me.

  Faith,

  I’m being released in one week. I haven’t heard from you in three long years. Beauty robbed from my life and a darkness taking its place. I ache—every day I ache because I haven’t heard from you.

  But I can’t forget your words. The hope you instilled in me. You told me I could be anything if I believed in it enough.

  I believe in us. In our dreams. I want to live them with you. My only hope is that when I see you, face-to-face, you’ll remember exactly who I am. That boy who fell in love with a girl who became his world. The only thing I want is to give the world to you.

  I’ll be waiting at our roses. Let’s dream again.

  Jace

  I buckled in two at the words, bent over on the bed as I wept.

  I imagined him there, in that garden, waiting for me. How long had he stayed? Waiting and wondering and worrying?

  I hadn’t come.

  Because I was already married to Joseph.

  Oh, the hate and horror that burned through my spirit. The ugliest feeling I’d ever endured.

  How could he?

  How could he?

  I could hardly bear the thought of continuing, but there were two more letters at the bottom.

  These were different. They weren’t from the correctional facility. Neither had a stamp or a postmark.

  The one on top was printed with my name across the front in Joseph’s same handwriting.

  Part of me wanted to rip it to shreds. End it. His voice and his malice and his greed.

  Rocked with the greatest sort of sorrow, so deep I could feel it vibrating through my marrow, I forced myself to continue. The tears were so heavy, I could barely see through them as I unfolded the small stack of papers and began to read . . .

  Faith,

  I know by the time you find this . . . by the time you read this . . . I’ll be gone. Wish I would have had the guts to tell you the things in this letter earlier, but I’ve always been a coward. Always have been a liar. Always have been nothing but a goddamned thief.

  I know you hate me. I deserve it. I deserve everything that is coming to me, and I can feel it coming fast.

  I need you to know that I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I do need you to know that I am sorry.

  I’m a prideful man, but all that has caught up to me. I have nothing left to hide. Nowhere left to run.

  I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

  The first time I saw you, I wanted you. I wanted you so badly that I did whatever it took to have you.

  But I should have known you would never truly belong to me. How could you when you’d always belonged to him? But I thought that, if we just had the chance . . . one chance, you’d see we were meant to be together. I was a fool. A callous, clueless, selfish fool.

  I tried not to be. Tried a million times to man up and leave. Let you go back to the one you cried for at night. I knew. Fuck, of course, I knew. But I stayed, and I stole, and I cheated, thinking someday, someday you would love me the same.

  I was never worthy of that love. Not for one day. I’m sorry for the pain I caused, but I can’t say I regret it, living one day with you. I never said I wasn’t a selfish bastard.

  I stole you away from the one man you truly loved. The one man who truly loved you.

  Because he did, Faith. He was willing to do anything for your happiness, while I continued to steal it away. While I continued to watch him suffer.

  Jace sacrificed for us all. All the years growing up—he went hungry so we could eat. He took punches so we could sleep. He took the fall when he wasn’t to blame.

  He went to jail because I wanted you, and then he continued to sacrifice, thinking it was making you happy, and still, he looked out for me until the day I finally drove him away.

  I can make no amends, but I’m leaving you with this—he loved you. He gave up everything so you could live your dream. I know better now. Know I was wrong. I’m not ignorant enough to think I won’t rot for eternity for what I’ve done. But I won’t leave this world without you knowing.

  When I was younger, I was convinced that I could be the one to give you that dream. What I didn’t know then, what took me years to admit, was that your dream was only half of one. He was the other half, he always had been.

  I wish I could tell him how sorry I am to his face. I should have held him on a pedestal for all he did, and instead, I knocked him to his knees.

  The only thing I can do now is give him back what belonged to him all along.

  I loved you, Faith, but it wasn’t the right kind. Now go, live in his love. Don’t be afraid. Wherever he is, find him. Fight for him. I’ll no longer stand in the way. Love him freely, Faith, without regret. Without question. Let him love you back. Don’t let him walk away thinking he is less than he is.

  Joseph

  Shattered, gutting cries tore from my mouth, my chest heaving
as I read his words.

  The page underneath slipped free, and with shaking hands, I picked it up, confused by the document.

  It was a deed.

  One that had been transferred. It originated in Jace Jacob’s name.

  I gasped when I realized it’d been signed over to Joseph.

  This house.

  Oh, God, he’d given us this house.

  Our dream.

  Our dream.

  A staggering surge of emotion flooded me.

  Love.

  So much love, I couldn’t see.

  I climbed to my feet, and I knew one thing.

  I’d let him walk away once. I wasn’t about to do it again.

  Forty-Nine

  Jace

  “Are you sure you have to go?”

  Ian rocked on his soles on the edge of the curb where we stood at the front of his building, my new car parked at the valet.

  I tossed my suitcase and laptop case into the trunk, my shoulder still aching like a bitch but not coming even close to the ache in my heart.

  “You know I do. I can’t stay here with her that close. It just hurts too fucking bad.”

  Didn’t have anything left to hide.

  No reasons to give other than the one that was the truth.

  It just fucking hurt.

  “You haven’t even talked to her, Jace.”

  My head shook as I pushed the button to close the hatch. “Don’t start on me, Ian. You know why I can’t do this. You know why I can’t stay.”

  “You’re a fool.”

  “Yeah.”

  I’d been a fool for thinking I could find a life here with Faith.

  I’d put her in danger again and again.

  Lied to her.

  Hurt her.

  I’d never forget the expression on her face when she realized just how far those lies went.

  I refused to hurt her any longer. Refused to drag her back into my life that had always been filled with turmoil. A disaster from the start.

  She was free.

  Finally free.

  That was the only thing that mattered.