Broken Worlds

by Anitha Robinson

  I peer out of the window and notice the darkening sky. But inside, the room is washed in a lovely warm light. It looks almost as bright as when I arrived this morning, when the sun streamed in through the windows. I search the room for the source of light. I can’t see any lamps. And then I see them. Hundreds and hundreds of tiny little white lights illuminate the giant tree-like plants. They shimmer like Christmas trees.

  They’re magical and scatter my thoughts for just a second to a happy memory of being wrapped in my mother’s arms. My dad had his arm around her shoulder, and the three of us moved like one, taking in the Christmas display of a field of pine trees glistening with lights. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to recreate the feeling of being loved and safe.

  “You cold?” Ellis asks. He grabs a soft, fluffy blanket from one of the sofas and lays it on my shoulders. “It must be close to dinnertime. Do you want to eat in or go out?”

  His question dispels my doubts. If he wanted to hurt me, he would never give me this choice.

  “Stay in,” I say, because I’ll be back outside in the cold soon enough.

  He has ready-made pizza dough in the fridge, which we layer with cheese and vegetables. Ellis warms some fresh rolls, and I help make a salad. He’s set places by the stools at the kitchen island, and I’m ecstatic that the placement of the stools allows our knees to graze.

  This time I force myself to eat at an acceptable pace. I learned from my earlier overindulgence that my shrunken stomach needs to be treated delicately. I take tiny bites of the pizza and swallow each piece completely before taking another.

  It’s a challenge to exercise such self-control. But my spirits are soaring. I can’t believe I am sitting next to the most heavenly looking person, eating deliciously warm food, with the prospects of existing like this for another week. It’s a dramatic change to where I’d been just twenty-four hours earlier.

  I find out a few details about his life. His family lives out west. He moved here after high school and started a business selling stuff that he’s made. Ellis lights up when he talks about the inventions he’s working on, making him even more gorgeous. His car is the main thing. I kind of fade out when he goes into details about changing this and adding that. I get lost in the color of his eyes. I don’t want him to think I’m not interested in what he’s saying, so I ask him if I can see some of the stuff he’s made. Considering how excited he was talking about it, I expect him to agree instantly, but he looks taken aback.

  “Yeah, sure. They’re in my workshop, so maybe later. It’s really late. You should get some rest,” he says, while we’re clearing up the dishes. “Margaret is brilliant, but you have been through a lot, and you shouldn’t get overtired.”

  We pile everything into the dishwasher, and then I help him refill the cats’ bowls. I go into the bathroom to get ready and remember I don’t have any proper pajamas. I only packed a small backpack when I left home, a couple of changes of clothes, a towel, a blanket, my book, all the cash I had saved, and a photo of my little brother, Navi.

  My heart clenches in a pang of guilt. Navi. From the second my dad placed him in my arms, I was hooked. He was so tiny. My parents were busy with their jobs so his care fell to me whenever I wasn’t at school.

  Sita tried to take over his care when she barged her way into our lives. But even she couldn’t break our bond.

  As soon as I got home from school, Navi would be glued to my side. When I did homework, he plunked himself really close and scribbled on sheets of paper with his crayons. Leaving him ripped my heart apart, but I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t safe. I told Sita and my mother what those men did to me. Sita didn’t care. My mother didn’t believe me. No one cared. And if I wasn’t safe, what good was I to him? I knew I had to get away. I had to survive if I was eventually going to be able to take care of Navi too.

  I lean against the counter and press the photo to my chest, feeling my eyes burn. But then another image comes. Another boy with curly black hair. I close my eyes tightly, trying to see past the rolling fog that splinters his face. Who is this boy? Why can’t I remember him?

  “Kalli, you okay?”

  “Yeah, all good, Ellis.”

  There is nothing in my bag that’s suitable to wear. I pick at my few tops. Perhaps, if I somehow tie them up, I can transform them into something that would catch Ellis’s eye. For the first time in my life, I’m actually trying to attract a guy’s attention. For the first time, I feel like a normal teenager. After several attempts, I realize that nothing can be done. I am stuck with a choice between a tattered blue T-shirt and a red one. His eyes are blue, so I pick blue. I roll up the sweatpants Ellis loaned me, hoping he won’t mind if I sleep in them, and leave the bathroom feeling defeated.

  “Perfect timing. I just changed the sheets on the bed. It’s all ready for you,” he says, beaming.

  I wrap my arms around myself, and dig my fingers into my ribs. What was I thinking? I’m not a normal girl. I can never be. Just the mere mention of a bed sends me reeling.

  “But what about you?” I ask.

  “Me? What about me?”

  “Where will you sleep?” I try to keep my voice casual.

  “Don’t worry about it.” His lips curve up at the corners. “As you can see, there are lots of options.” He nods at the several brightly colored sofas.

  I let my arms fall at my side. “I can sleep on those,” I say, trying to keep my voice light. “You shouldn’t give up your bed.”

  “It’s not a problem. I want to.” His hand brushes against my cheek.

  And before I can protest anymore, he scoops me into his arms, and my heart hammers against my chest. But for the first time in a long time, it is not out of fear.

  He gently tucks me in. There is so much I want to say to him, somehow, to let him know how grateful I am, but I can’t speak.

  “Sleep well, Kalli,” he says, kissing me lightly on the top of my head.

  I close my eyes, knowing I will never fall asleep again. I will just replay the last few moments over and over and over.

  CHAPTER 8

  Sita has found me. I have no idea how she did it, but she has, and she has brought a fresh recruit with her. He holds me down. I can’t break away. Sita’s telling him that if he agrees to marry me, he doesn’t have to stop. He can go all the way. I can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. I thrash back and forth, trying to scream. Maybe if my mother actually sees what is happening, she’ll do something to stop it. To stop them. She’ll have to believe that I wasn’t making it all up.

  “Mom! Help me! Please!” But my cries remain silent and only a gush of dry air escapes my lips.

  I can feel his hot breath on my face. I shake my head as fast as I can, unwilling to let him put his disgusting lips on me. I punch and kick and bare my teeth and snap wildly. I thrash my arms, but he’s holding me down even harder, shaking me. He’s shouting something.

  “Kalli! Wake up, Kalli!”

  And then suddenly there’s light, a lot of light. I see him. His face is on top of mine, his eyes wide and crazy.

  “Kalli, wake up. You’re okay,” his voice pleads.

  I know that voice.

  “Ellis?” I ask shakily.

  “Yes, it’s me. That was some nightmare. You’ve been kicking and screaming, and I couldn’t wake you.”

  I look down at my legs wound up in the sheets. I sit up to free myself. “I’m so sorry I woke you. Just a silly dream,” I say, trying to still my trembling body.

  “It didn’t seem like a silly dream.”

  “I’m fine. Really. I don’t want to keep you awake.”

  “Shhh. It’s okay.” He adjusts the covers back over me. “Go back to sleep, Kalli. It’s still dark outside.”

  I lie down, close my eyes, and keep still. But it’s difficult to shake off the nightmare. I haven’t had one that bad in a long time. My legs are uncooperative and continue trembling.

  I raise my eyelids to see Ellis get up and adjust the co
vers so that they are nice and flat again.

  He must be annoyed. But instead of walking away, Ellis sits beside me.

  “I’ll stay with you, if that’s okay?”

  Is it okay? The last time a man was in bed with me, he …. I shudder at the memory. But Ellis is not like them. He’s made no attempt to hurt me. He’s only been kind.

  He looks at me, waiting for my answer. “You don’t have to,” I say.

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to. But only if it’ll help,” he says.

  I take a deep breath and nod. He’s different, I remind myself.

  He wraps his left arm around me and pulls me in close against him, so that my head rests on his shoulder.

  “Now you close your eyes. I’ll be right here beside you.”

  I do as he says. The terrifying nightmare and the excitement of being so close to Ellis has me all wired up. The horrible images I saw beneath my closed eyelids insist on replaying. I can’t stop them. And then there’s Ellis. We’re separated by the covers, but I can still feel him. The warmth coming from him settles my shivering legs, though I don’t expect to sleep.

  But I must have drifted off, because when I wake, I find Ellis beside me with his head flung back over the headboard, asleep. I shut my eyes and clear my mind, so this magical moment can find a permanent place in my memory. He stirs beside me, and I stay still, hoping to stretch this out a while longer. I lie there listening to the house waking up.

  “Mmm,” he breathes, as he shifts and opens his eyes.

  “Good morning,” I say, sitting up beside him. “I can’t believe you sat here the entire night. It can’t have been comfortable.”

  “No, it was fine.” He massages his neck. “How about some breakfast? I know Lucy and Bo are hungry.” He gestures to where the cats pace impatiently.

  “Yeah, breakfast sounds great.”

  The next couple of days pass quietly. There aren’t any intrusions from Fallon or Margaret. And my doubts about Ellis have finally been put to rest. He has been nothing but kind and attentive. I was right to trust him. The only disturbances are my nightmares.

  During my sleep, I go places Ellis can’t follow. Places of horror. Places from my past. I’m trapped until Ellis, shaking me and calling my name, pulls me free. Every night I try and stay awake for as long as I can, but inevitably I drift off, nestled in his arms.

  I don’t understand why the nightmares have begun again. It has been at least a month since I had one. Of course, I wasn’t surprised that the nightmares invaded my sleep when I ran away. That first night on my own had been terrifying. It had been uncommonly cold. My blanket wasn’t thick enough to keep the chill out, so I sat shivering under a play structure at a park. Too afraid to close my eyes, I huddled in a tight ball and watched the darkness come. Every sound made me jump. But the need for sleep eventually pulled me in, and I went to a place even more frightening.

  I was relieved that I had survived the night and that the dream was over, but scared because I didn’t know what to do next. I couldn’t stay in the park since parents were showing up with their kids to play. So I slunk out and wandered the city, trying to figure out my bearings.

  I found myself going in circles most of the day until I came upon the train station. It was crazy busy, so no one took notice of me. There were places to buy food, washrooms, and it was warm. It was better than sleeping outside, but I hope I never have to go back.

  I’ve fallen into a comfortable rhythm living with Ellis, and I don’t want to lose the consoling repetition of it. We make delicious meals together, read side by side, and we talk a lot. Even though we’ve been together for such a short time, I feel like our lives have always been enmeshed.

  Now we sit side by side, at the kitchen table. My hands held snugly within Ellis’s. All the walls I’d built to hold in my secrets have been crumbling away.

  I had told him that I wanted to talk to him about something after dinner. I hadn’t meant to be mysterious, but obviously I had. He’s trying to be patient, but his eyes betray him. I’ve started to read his silent gestures and facial expressions. Ellis’s eyes blink rapidly, clearly indicative that he’s nervous.

  I lean my head back, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I allow the secrets I’ve hidden so deeply to find their way to the surface.

  “I never told you the actual reason I left home.” I swallow hard. “It all started pretty much as soon as my dad left. I realized I was on my own. No one was going to help me. But the hardest part of saving myself was—” I choke back a sob. “The hardest part was leaving Navi, my brother. I had no choice.”

  “Why, Kalli? What happened?”

  I’ve kept this secret locked away for so long. But he’s looking at me with his kind eyes, and I feel safe.

  “Once my dad left, Sita worried we’d become destitute. She didn’t think my dad would honor his promise to financially take care of us. So she decided to marry me off into a rich family.”

  I pause, feeling myself being pulled into that moment when she proudly shared her plan. I had been appalled, but assured by the certainty that my mother would never allow such an atrocity. I quickly realized that this was not to be the case. My mother rejoiced in the possibility that I would marry into a good Indian family.

  “Marry someone? That’s ridiculous!”

  “In India arranged marriages still happen. Certainly not the deranged way Sita went about it, but they do exist.” I cringe at the memory of men so much older, so disgusting, reaching out and touching me.

  Lucy jumps up on my lap. I run my fingers through her soft fur and allow her purring to steady my breathing.

  “I don’t get it, Kalli. How could your mom agree to all of this? How could she let you go so easily?”

  I shrug, not knowing the answer to this question. How could she let me go so easily?

  I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I twist the ends of my hair. “Um, I’m getting kind of tired.” I stand up, feeling jittery. I cross my arms and dig them into my sides. My legs twitch. I can’t still my body.

  He regards me carefully, trying to keep up with my sudden change in mood. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He thinks I ran away to escape an arranged marriage. I can’t change his impression. It’s too disgusting to say out loud.

  “Yes, of course,” Ellis says, getting up. “You get some rest, and I’ll pop out for a bit. Run a few errands. Will you be okay here on your own?”

  “I’ll be fine. I didn’t even have a nightmare last night.” I try to smile. “So I guess your night duty is finally over, and you can get some real sleep.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” he says, squeezing my shoulder. He leans over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek.

  And with that tiny gesture, he makes me believe that happiness can exist, despite what almost every memory I have tells me.

  I watch him shut the door as he leaves, and then I get into bed. I hope, somehow, that the last few days with Ellis will wipe away the pain of the past and allow me to fall asleep dreamlessly.

  I close my eyes, but sleep evades me. I wait. I shift. I throw covers off and then snatch them back up. Then it dawns on me. It’s the first time I’ve been alone since coming to Ellis’s house. I could easily leave if I wanted to, but all I want is to stay here. To stay with him. I know my appointment with Margaret is coming up, but even the prospect of seeing her no longer seems threatening.

  The wind smacks against the windows. I listen to the house creaking, as if my presence has made it feel uncomfortable too. Though I’ve been staying with Ellis for a few days now, the place feels unfamiliar without him. I try to cajole the cats into bed with me, but they’re fast asleep in the trees. I get up, not sure what to do with myself. I’d been spared the nightmare last night, but I’m worried that, without Ellis nestled beside me, it’ll return with a vengeance.

  Maybe a book will help. I make my way to one of the walls lined with books, when I see the phone. It’s one of those old dial up phones. It’s
like the ones I’d seen in It’s a Wonderful Life, my dad’s all-time favorite show. How ironic, that my dad ended up turning his back on his life. I guess he didn’t think it was wonderful anymore.

  For a split second I think about calling him, but then I picture the last time I saw him. He hadn’t called me in a long time, hadn’t returned any of my messages, even though I had said I really needed to talk to him. So I’d hopped a bus to go to see him, to tell him face to face what was happening to me. My chest tightens as I relive the moment I walked up to his house and heard the laughter. I saw them through the window. My dad and a woman I had never seen before. Arms wrapped around each other. Kissing. She got up, displaying the huge bump beneath her dress. She was having a baby. He’d made himself a new family and had forgotten all about Navi and me. My dad’s betrayal hurt more than my mother’s. I always suspected she was weak, but I’d held him up to a higher standard. His fall from grace has left a deeper scar.

  The phone trembles in my hand, pulling me from my memory. I will never forget his desertion. I will never call him.

  I decide to try Mim. As I bring the receiver to my ear, I hesitate. Talking to Mim is wonderful and painful at the same time. I love the sound of her familiar voice, but it also makes the pangs of sadness stronger when we say goodbye. I shut my eyes and picture Mim with her round baby face and long blonde braids dangling down her back. I envision her black eyes, striking against her pale skin. I place my finger in one of the numbered circles and start dialing.

  “Hello?” The sound of her voice is like home to me.

  “Hey, Mim, it’s me,”

  “Kalli? Oh my God! Are you okay?”

  “I’m okay. What about you?”

  “When are you coming back?” she asks, as if not hearing me.

  “I—”

  “Where are you now?” she insists.

  “I—”

  “Why haven’t you called me in so long?”

  “Well—”

  “Where are you?” she asks again.

  “Mim, hang on, you’re not letting me get in a word.”