Compass

by Jeanne McDonald

  She cupped her hands over her mouth and stared at the lifeless form. “Please,” she cried, waving her hands. Alexis stepped back, incapable of breathing. With her back pressed against the wall behind her, she could feel the cold tiles through her scrubs. “Please!” she screeched again, waving for Doctor McCall to drop the sheet.

  Slowly, Joseph placed the cover back over the body. Alexis watched as the lifeless form disappeared from sight. She slid down the wall, covered her face in her hands, and sobbed.

  The metal doors of the morgue creaked open and Alexis stepped into the corridor. Both of her hands were balled at her mouth. Every inch of her body trembled. Evidence of her despair had cut lines along her face. All color was washed from her skin. Her hair was flat and lifeless. The sag in her shoulders revealed the heavy burden of heartache she bore.

  Her tear-swollen eyes honed in on Mary, who was sandwiched between Dale and Declan. Alexis thought nothing of Declan being there. He was family. They were all family.

  On bated breath, everyone waited for her to confirm their fears. She glanced from Dale to Mary then to Declan. Concern, grief, and fear masked each one of their expressions. She shook her head, her face twitching with emotion. Her hands dropped to her stomach as a fresh swell of tears overpowered her.

  “Oh, God!” Mary gasped.

  Alexis waved one hand, the other flattened firmly at her belly. Her voice caught in her throat, trapped by the sobs, which cut through her. Finally, she forced sound to come from her mouth. “It’s not him,” she blurted out in almost a harsh scream. All the energy she had left drained from her and she fell to the floor in a puddle of tears.

  Declan released Mary and rushed toward Alexis. He skidded to his knees, scooping Alexis into his arms. “It’s not him,” she repeated, her voice a mere whisper now. Thick tendrils of hair had fallen over her face. Declan smoothed her hair back, kissing her temple. His touch was soothing, but it didn’t calm her.

  “It’s all right,” Declan said, his nose buried in her hair. “Everything’s going to be okay.” He rocked her, holding her tight to him. The pressure was exactly what she needed to close the chasm in her chest, but his scent and the shape of his arms weren’t right. He wasn’t Ryan.

  Mary dropped to her knees and crawled to where Declan held Alexis in his arms. She encompassed them both in her embrace. Together, the three friends cried. For the fear of losing Ryan. For the hope of finding him. For the love they all felt for the man who’d brought them together.

  Alexis wiped the tears from her eyes. She pushed against Declan’s arms, struggling to stand. Declan released her, offering his hand as she wobbled to her feet. Dale rushed to her, taking her other hand to help steady her. From the corner of her eye, she could see Dale give her friends a serious look. She couldn’t allow that to persuade her from her mission. Ryan was still out there, waiting for her to find him. “I’m fine.” But even to her own ears she could hear the weakness behind her words. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was finding Ryan. “I have to get back out there.” She willed her body to move.

  Dale grabbed her by the arm. “Alexis, stop. You need rest.”

  “No,” her voice was shaky and quiet. She shook free of Dale and stumbled forward. Her whole body felt drained, almost as if it weren’t hers anymore. Every ounce of energy she had was gone. Shock was setting in, but while her body was weak, her resolve was strong. “I must find him.”

  Declan pulled himself up from the floor bringing Mary along with him.

  “Alexis, honey,” Mary approached her, pulling her into a hug, “Dale’s right. You need rest. We’ll keep looking, but you just experienced something traumatic. You need to recoup.”

  Alexis shook her head. “No. You all aren’t taking a break, and neither will I. I can’t stop. Don’t you see that?”

  Dale rested a hand on her shoulder. “Yes, but like Mary said, we didn’t just endure the trauma you did. A small break doesn’t make you weak.”

  She shrugged away from Mary and Dale. “I’ve worked forty-eight hours straight with no break. I can handle this!” She threw her hand out toward the elevator. “There are people out there who need us. All of us. Me included.” She buckled forward, the air in her lungs dense, her head splitting inside her skull. “Please,” she pleaded. “I can’t rest until I find him.”

  “They’re both right, Doc.” Declan came up behind them, resting his hands on Alexis’ shoulders. “You’ll be no good to him like this. Ryan would be pissed if I let you continue when I know better.”

  “Go lay down in my office,” Dale instructed. “If we find him─”

  “When─” Mary corrected.

  Dale nodded. “Yes, when we find him, you’ll be the first we notify.”

  “I can’t,” she cried.

  “You must,” Declan demanded.

  “Don’t make us give you a sedative,” Dale commanded.

  Unable to fight them any longer, her shoulders slumped and she fell back against Declan.

  “Deck, take her upstairs to Dale’s office. We’ll head back to the ER.” Mary reached for her hand, giving it a good squeeze. “We’ll find him. I swear to you. Please rest.”

  “I hope you know where you’re going, because Dale’s office could be the john for all I know,” Declan joked.

  A faint but forced smile appeared on Alexis’ lips, as she released Mary’s hand. “Some pilot you are. Can’t even find an office.”

  “I’m a great pilot,” Declan boasted, pulling her into the crook of his side. “I follow directions well. So, navigate, woman. We got to get your energy back for when we find our boy.”

  A strangled chuckle gurgled in her chest, as she leaned into him and allowed him to walk her down the hall. She felt the pull of her emotions tugging inside her. The world was off course, and maybe her friends were right. A quick break could set her back on path to finding her heart and soul.

  “Alexis,” someone whispered her name, “wakey, wakey.”

  A little stiff from sleeping on a couch, she shifted her position but kept her eyes closed. The peace and numbness of sleep surrounded her and she didn’t want to leave that comfort just yet.

  Small hands shook her by the shoulders. “Lex, wake up.”

  Alexis’ eyelashes fluttered, eyelids lifted, and big brown eyes opened to find an outline of someone hovering over her. She could barely make out their form, but there was something all too familiar about this person.

  “There you are. I thought I’d lost you. We have so much to catch up on and so little time to do it in.” That voice. She recognized it. Like a dream or a memory. But from where?

  “Huh?” Alexis croaked. She felt confused, dazed, and disoriented, but strangely calm. Nothing seemed to make sense. Her mind felt heavy and foggy, yet clear and light. Deep in her chest, her heart ached, and her eyes felt like rocks in their sockets, but they were masked by the sweet peace that seemed to wash over her. There was no pain, even though there was. It was the oddest sensation she’d ever experienced.

  She squinted her eyes, trying to focus on the person poised over her. Should she be afraid of this person? The odd feeling of serenity that surrounded her told her that she had nothing to be afraid of. Alexis rubbed the ball of her hands into her eyes, causing them to throb even more.

  “Careful there. You’ve had a rough day. I’m sure you’re probably feeling like you’ve been beaten within an inch of your life.”

  The voice was distinctively female. Almost childish in sound.

  Alexis shifted her weight onto her elbows, pushing herself off of the soft surface of the sofa. The faceless figure stepped back, giving her room to move. The soles of her ballet slippers tapped against the linoleum, keeping Alexis aware of her presence. Alexis groaned as she stretched her exhausted body; every joint popping with each move she made. With her eyes closed, she rolled her neck, relieving even more of the tension from her sore body. What happened to make her so tense?

  Alexis looked up at the shadow, squinting her
eyes. “Who are you?” she asked, a twinge of uncertainty prickling her skin.

  The little girl giggled, skipping in place. “Guess.”

  Eyes narrowed, Alexis tried to focus on the bouncing figure. “Just tell me who you are,” Alexis groused.

  “Oh, you were never any fun with guessing games,” the child complained.

  Stepping out of the rays of the fluorescent light stood a little girl wearing a tutu and holding a glittery wand. Her dark tresses were wound tight in perfect ringlets and her big, brown eyes were almost liquid, like molten chocolate. She wore a smile that could only be made by angels.

  Alexis covered her mouth, her eyes widening in recognition. “Cora?”

  The girl laughed, clapping her hands. Her wand flapped in the wind. “I didn’t know if you’d recognize me like this.” She twirled around, her tutu fluttering with the air.

  “Of course I do!” Alexis squealed, throwing her arms around her baby sister. She smelled of sunlight and fresh cut grass on a summer day, like she always had. “You always wanted to be a dancer. I used to sing and dance for you because…” her voice trailed off. Because of the leukemia, Cora became tired too easily. Her heart was willing, but her body wouldn’t allow her to dance. So, Alexis took it upon herself to dance for her sister when she could.

  Alexis took a step back, staring at the illusion of her baby sister.

  “Don’t be sad. I can dance now.” Cora pirouetted on her toes, flittering about in perfect form.

  Alexis smiled, grabbing Cora by the hand and pulling her to her chest. She rocked her sister in her arms, amazed at how real she felt. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” Cora whispered. “It’s been lonely without you.”

  Alexis pulled back, looking into her sister’s deep brown eyes. “Wait? If you’re here, does that mean I’m…”

  A chirp of laughter burst from Cora. “Don’t be silly. You’re not dead.”

  “Whew, that’s a relief,” Alexis mused. Cora withdrew herself from Alexis’ hold, dancing about the empty space around them. Alexis furrowed her brows, a little confused by the whole situation. “Okay, if I’m not dead, then what are you doing here?”

  Cora stopped dead in her tracks. She approached Alexis and directed her back to the couch she’d been lying on. Cora dropped her gaze to Alexis’ now closed fist. Alexis followed Cora’s eyes to her hand. Slowly, she flexed her fingers open to find a small red compass in the palm of her hand. Something touched the recesses of her thoughts. The fuzziness felt as if it was fading and her mind conjured up the face she’d been searching for. Then, like a flood, memories of the accident invaded her mind. “Ryan!” she gasped, trying to stand up. “I have to find Ryan.”

  “Sit down, Alexis,” Cora commanded with such authority she had no choice but to obey.

  Tears spilled down her cheeks, adding more pressure to her already aching eyes. “It’s not Ryan, is it?” she pleaded. “Ryan’s not dead, is he?”

  Without a word, Cora took the compass from Alexis’ hand. She examined the face, flipped it over, and rubbed her thumb over the worn red plastic.

  Alexis tilted her head, her face scrunched in confusion. “Cora, please. If you know anything about Ryan…”

  “Funny things, compasses,” Cora noted, ignoring Alexis’ pleas.

  “It’s just an old, broken toy.”

  “This,” Cora held the compass up in the air, allowing the light to shine around it, “is more than a toy, and it’s far from broken.”

  Alexis lifted her eyes to look at the compass. It was spinning out of control, just as it had been when she entered the morgue. “I dropped it earlier and that must’ve busted the mechanism in it. See.” She pointed to the spinning hand. “It doesn’t point north anymore.”

  “That’s because you’re lost.”

  “I don’t understand. Aren’t compasses supposed to help people find their way? Make the lost, found?”

  Cora shook the toy, watching it spin. “This compass is a reflection of you. As long as you knew Ryan was safe, it pointed north. Ryan has always been the other piece of your soul.” Cora let out a little sigh. “I was always jealous of the connection you had with him.”

  Alexis furrowed her brow. “Jealous? Because you had a crush on him?”

  “No, silly! Because he’s your soulmate.”

  “Hold on. Are you trying to tell me that soulmates are real? They’re not some crap made up by writers to sell some shitty books?”

  Cora tsked at her sister. “How can you be so obtuse? Soulmates are a rare but wonderful thing. Even now, don’t you feel the pull for him? The connection? You must.” She rolled the compass between her fingertips.

  Alexis closed her eyes, her heart sinking in her chest. She did feel the pull for him. It was that very need that drove her, pushed her to find him. She couldn’t live without him. That much she was certain of.

  Cora took Alexis by the hand and placed the compass into her open palm. “This compass only points to your one true north when you believe in him. The moment you lost faith that he was okay was the moment this compass stopped pointing north.”

  Alexis closed her hand around the compass, her eyes welling with tears. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared.”

  Cora pulled Alexis into her warm embrace, holding her tight. “Alexis, you do know what to do.”

  “I do?” she whispered through her tears.

  “Yes. Follow the compass. Follow your heart.”

  Alexis pulled back, wiping the tears from her eyes. She looked down at the compass; its hand was spinning wildly. It looked how she felt - lost and out of control. Alexis slid her thumb over the scratched and faded plastic.

  “My heart is lost,” she admitted.

  “Just believe,” Cora whispered. “And remember, you’re not alone.”

  Alexis lifted her eyes, a smile bright on her face, but instead of finding Cora looking back at her, she was stunned to find Ryan had replaced her sister.

  Alexis reached up with her free hand and brushed back the bangs that had fallen against his forehead. She marveled at how handsome he looked in his uniform. The bright glow of the fluorescent lamp highlighted the midnight blue tones of his soft black hair. His piercing green eyes twinkled with love.

  She threw herself into his arms and cried. “I’ve been searching for you everywhere. I thought you were dead.”

  Ryan pulled her back, cupping her face in his hands. “I’m always right here.” He placed a hand over her heart.

  “I love you so much. I can’t live without you. You have to know that.”

  Ryan took her hand in his, pressing the compass into their palms. Leaning forward, he placed his forehead to hers and whispered, “In those moments you feel lost, alone, or confused, pull it out and let yourself remember. Let this compass lead you back home. Let it lead you back to me. Forever and always, okay?”

  Her lips flattened as the tears began to once again flow. Ryan smiled, so tender and sweet, a beacon of hope and love. Two souls, once lost in the darkest of nights, found in the sunlight of true love and friendship.

  “Okay,” she breathed.

  Ryan placed his hands on her shoulders, and started to shake her. “It’s time. You have to wake up now.”

  “No. Ryan. Don’t leave me.”

  “I’m not. I’ve always been here. I’m simply waiting on you. Now, Alexis, wake up.”

  “Ryan,” she wept. “No. I want to stay with you.”

  The harder he shook her, the darker his figure became. The peace she’d felt evaporated like air being sucked through a vacuum. All of the buried emotions came pouring forward. The dam had broken, and everything that was being held back, crashed over her. She was suffocating.

  “Alexis!”

  “I can’t lose you. You can’t leave me.”

  “Wake up, Lex,” Ryan demanded.

  Her eyes flew open and she jumped straight up into a sitting position. Someone stepped backward, giving her spa
ce. “Calm down. It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.” He knelt down in front of her, placing his hands on her knees. “Hey, you,” Declan said, a tender smile creasing the corners of his mouth. “You okay?”

  “Where am I?”

  “You’re in Dale’s office. Remember, I brought you up here to rest.”

  Alexis shook her head, recalling the memory. “Sorry. I only meant to rest my eyes. How long have I been asleep?”

  “About two hours.”

  Alexis bounded off the seat, pushing Declan backward. He barely caught himself before hitting the floor. “Two hours. Jesus! Why would you allow me to sleep that long? I have to find Ryan.”

  Declan leaped up and grabbed her by the shoulders. “That’s what we came to tell you.” He motioned toward Mary, who was standing next to the door. A bright but exhausted smile lit her face.

  “We’ve found him,” Mary announced.

  “He’s alive?”

  “Yes!”

  Opening her hand, Alexis glanced down at the compass that had left an imprint in her skin. No longer was it spinning in wild circles. It had stopped and was pointing north. “Let it lead you back to me.”

  “I’m sorry?” Declan asked; his eyes narrowed on the toy in her hand.

  “He’s alive!” Alexis squealed.

  “Yes! He’s alive.”

  Joy poured from her as she threw her arms around the unsuspecting pilot. Declan picked her up off the floor and twirled her around in circles. They laughed and cried; holding to one another like two siblings would in a time of joy and relief. There was something magical in the air; love found, hearts reunited and hope renewed.

  Declan placed her back on her feet, a huge smile on his face. “You want to see him?”

  “What kind of a question is that? Of course!” she exclaimed.

  Taking his hand, Alexis slipped the compass into her pocket and exited the office. As they walked out the door, she grabbed Mary by the hand, pulling her close. In her heart, she whispered a word of thanks to Cora. Because of her sister, she’d found her heart, and she was going home, to Ryan, where she belonged.