Probe

by Douglas E Roff

  This wasn’t organically induced; Adam had been in tears. Weeping in waves of immense and unending pain; of horror, fear and a gripping anxiety.

  It had all come forth in a rush, unexpected and without warning. It had seized their minds and forced them both to watch as the incident projected on screens in their mind, but as if they were in it in an instant, condensed version the many days over which it had originally played out. It was raw, brutish, and immensely cruel and neither wanted to see, or experience it, again.

  Adam felt and lived the entire incident both viscerally and organically, not just some external visual of what had happened. He felt the fear, knew the terror, and experienced the anxiety, as if he were the actor involved. He hadn’t just been a witness to what had transpired; he had been Alana during the event. But he was also forced to witness the event too before he was released from it. He could not bring himself to accept that what he had seen and what he had suffered was real.

  And, more shockingly, it had already taken place.

  It had happened to Alana beginning on the day afternoon her sixteenth birthday.

  ***

  Adam sat down on the couch in a heap. He began weeping again, weeping for what he knew, weeping for the woman who had been subjected to a kind of vicious madness that only a perverse and deeply depraved mind could conceive. To carry out such evil, to bring into the world such inhumanity and wickedness was beyond anything Adam could conceive as possible, even in the all-knowing mind of God.

  Misti could read his pain but held no understanding of its root cause. Alana had not stirred in many hours, though Misti checked her breathing and pulse hourly.

  Misti wrapped her arms around her husband, hoping that by the warmth of her touch alone she could lessen the obvious pain and burden afflicting his mind. All she could do was to be near, to hold him and comfort him through this struggle, whatever its cause, whatever its source. She said nothing, just dried his tears, and kissed him reassuringly.

  Adam fell asleep in her arms, back to the titanic battle that played out in his frenzied and turbulent mind. She too experienced a passing moment of panic and fear; she feared an unknown future that didn’t include him, all of him, whole. She had no choice but to wait. Wait for him to come back to her and the warmth of her love.

  ***

  By early evening both Alana and Adam had both risen separately. They both still looked dreadful, but their speech had returned. Neither said much, though Misti could see in their eyes the shared trauma of a journey taken together and yet, at the same time, completely and utterly solitary and alone. Misti urgently wanted to understand but knew this would have to be revealed in its own time, on a schedule only each could set.

  Adam was the first to speak up. He turned toward Alana, stood up and asked, “May I hold you? Will you permit me? I mean you no harm, only the profound remorse I feel that you were made to see, to experience that part of your life again. I felt it too, saw it and I became you as it happened.

  Alana began to cry and gently allowed Adam to envelop her in his arms. This time all she felt was the strength and safety of a man, a man who knew her now on some deep level that no other man could ever plumb. When it began, she had immediately felt Adam’s presence, his fearless strength and it comforted her. She could feel him trying to stop that which could no longer be prevented; she would forever after be changed in the wake of his experience.

  Adam was a stranger in a part of her life she could neither ignore nor accept. Until last night, Alana had abandoned herself to loneliness and isolation; the immense pain and constant fear that had dominated her life since the beginning of her sixteenth year. The immensity of the experience, its evil and cruelty had been total and devastating.

  Alana could never share nor even discuss the events of those days and thought she would eventually go mad from the horror she relived each waking day. She feared sleep and would endure long, unnatural lengths of wakefulness to avoid what she knew he would meet when darkness fell.

  Alana resided in Hell and, for her, there had never been a way out.

  When it happened, she felt responsible for the horror that Adam would unknowingly share, although she had no way of knowing such an experience was even possible. Then suddenly, he was there, standing beside her, holding her hand, and comforting her. He looked down at her and told her he was meant to be with her in this time and in this place. The Almighty, the Universe itself, he said, had sent him to be with her. In that moment, she felt deep joy and peace. Alana thought the nightmare of her captivity was finally over.

  It was not.

  Then the evil commenced with a fury and savagery that only Alana had previously known. They were pulled apart, each to be sent to some personal Hell to first experience, then watch, as the other was made to live and relive that horror alone. The depth of that depravity was without equal; when it concluded, Adam could not reconcile such depravity with the world his God had created.

  But Adam accepted that his God had laid this burden before him for a purpose, for his God surely worked in that way. His God had tasked him with rectifying a great evil, of restoring a blemish in the fabric of the Universe. He was commanded to help heal an innocent soul who had been left unprotected, deeply damaged and who had suffered immense pain. These things he would do, as far as his God would permit the scales to be once again be restored to balance in the only way he knew how.

  Then he would turn his attention to Them, and to Him.

  There was now much to do.

  Chapter 8

  Misti watched as some knowledge or connection passed between Alana and Adam, something she could not apprehend. She hoped they would each share what had transpired; but Misti understood that whatever it was, it was something that could only be revealed in the fullness of time. Watching them embrace, in the face of some terrible and frightening experience, brought a sudden calm and relief to her. Misti had prayed for it, though not with the faith and confidence of her husband and had asked only for the safe return of both Alana and Adam to her unharmed and whole again.

  Alana looked up at Adam again through her tears, feeling the strength of his arms surrounding her lithe frame and understood in some quiet way that her life was now forever changed. She would be bound to Adam, and his wife, in some fashion for the rest of her days. She didn’t know how, only that she now sensed it was to be. She ascribed it to nothing she knew; not to God, nor man or nature.

  Alana said, “You spoke to me when it happened.”

  “I did,” answered Adam.

  “Do you remember what you said?”

  “I do. Every word, every bit of it. Do you?”

  “No,” said Alana. I’m sorry I don’t. I only know that I am unshackled from my fear and that I am now safe with you. I know I will never have to relive this horror again and that you are the reason for my release.”

  Misti asked, “Release from what, Alana? I don’t understand any of this.”

  “Release from the bondage of my past. Released from the fear and anxiety I have lived every waking moment since I was sixteen. My life begins anew. Starting now, starting today.”

  Misti was both confused and happy. She now had both Adam and Alana back, but she had no idea what had happened, or what they were talking about.

  Adam said to Misti, “We will tell you everything that happened soon. But, for now, I need to reflect on the experience and resolve its meaning. However, I can say to you both, and happily, that it is over for now. We have things to do, all of us. But we can mostly go back to our world as it was before last night.”

  Adam’s mood suddenly brightened but Misti thought it but a charade, “Besides, we still have this place for the rest of the week and I think we should take advantage of everything my old man is paying for. And I think we should make the old fart suffer for the extravagance I am going to thoroughly enjoy.”

  He looked at the girls. They looked at each other. Somehow, they both knew it was over. They just wer
en’t sure what the ‘it’ was.

  The girls hugged and Misti asked, “You’re sure? Like it never happened?”

  “I’m sure. By tomorrow morning this nightmare will all be gone, banished from our minds. Just happiness from now on. I promise. I promise you both.”

  Alana looked at Adam, “And that horrid thing? What about that?”

  “I can control it now. We’re safe as safe can be. It’ll never happen again, not like that anyway. That I can promise you too.”

  Alana studied Adam’s face, seeing more there now that she hadn’t noticed before. He seemed older, his face more lined and troubled. When she looked again, it was gone; she quickly vanquished the thought almost as quickly as it had entered her mind. Alana believed him; wanted to believe in him, just like Misti, with the simple faith that his love, and strength, would always be enough.

  Alana asked, timidly, “Will you always be here to watch over us. Over both of us I mean.”

  “Always,” said Adam smiling again just like the old Adam. He was radiant again as he looked at his ladies, not knowing exactly what the future held but completely understanding that they were all three now bound up in a fate that would only be revealed over time.

  “Promise?” Alana asked, one more time, just to be sure.

  “I promise. And Misti will tell you that while I am a fool, and an idiot, I always keep my promises. To you, to Misti and to God Almighty. Let’s go back a day and forget that any of this ever happened. Deal?”

  “Deal!” said Alana.

  “Deal!” said Misti. “And Adam?”

  “Yes, sweetie?”

  “You’ll tell me everything? Everything you know?”

  “I will. Everything I know, as soon as I know it. Everything I can, allowing for Alana to decide what she wants to share. The events happened to her; this episode happened to us.”

  But Misti also heard and mentally noted the “it’s over for now” that Adam had said just minutes ago. She didn’t want to worry about something she hadn’t experienced; she would need to allow Alana and Adam to tell her everything and hope that it would all come out. She was sure Alana would tell her everything that mattered, girl to girl. But Adam, Adam was a different cat. Adam saw things and was precise and careful in what he promised. He did keep his promises; Adam did not know how to lie. But he could parse his words, just like his father. Dissembling was not off the table.

  Misti worried about that. Adam was just like his father and noticed it more each passing day. Burdened with the responsibility he felt for Misti, Adam and the greater Eight Families, Edward sometimes approached the truth as subordinate to his goal of happiness for his clan, his entire clan. When Misti was young, she was happy for his dissembling; she often benefitted from it and understood that Edward usually bent the truth to prevent worry and assure peace in their world. Yet, still, they were lies. Could he be blamed for it?

  Adam also knew this of Edward and detested it all his life. But did he any longer? Misti was uneasy about this whole conversation, as well as what had just happened. Adam, as had his father as a younger man, was now taking on immense real world “life and death” responsibilities. Would he too resort to dissembling to protect the ones he loved? To carry the burden of their world?

  She doubted Alana was aware of any of this and was now willing to put this episode behind her. In truth, so was Misti. She would gladly return to a life before last night. She just wanted her life and her kids back.

  It nagged at her. Was one connected to the other, mind trick to meltdown? Or was it something else? Misti would start with Alana, then interrogate her husband. She loved her husband but worried that something fundamental, something existential had now changed. Or was it something subtle, something small. A lane change in the same direction on the freeway; hardly worth noting.

  Adam had better not be lying to her, or dissembling, she thought. If he did, she’d kick his ass.

  ***

  The girls slept in the big bed that night as Adam requested, while he remained in the living room, propped up with pillows on the couch. He retreated deep into his mind for reasons he knew he could never share with Misti. He would go for a walk with Alana in the morning to discuss a few items. Neither had been completely honest with Misti when they spoke, but then Misti hadn’t been asking the right questions. Neither had lied to her, precisely; they had just not told her everything that happened in detail. Adam said it would all come out in time; what he meant was that he would share with Misti all that he could after discussing it with Alana first. Somehow Alana had gotten the message or perhaps she was just intuitive. Whichever it was, it would have to do for now.

  Misti hadn’t been there. Perhaps that’s what was intended, for her benefit and for Alana’s.

  He would avoid Misti until he and Alana had a chance to speak and get their stories straight. Adam had already detected that Misti had not fully believed his story to be complete. That was unfortunate.

  Adam had long ago resolved not to lie to Misti and he wasn’t going to backtrack now. But not revealing everything was a different story and that, he resolved, was something he would do. The things he could share with her he would, and fully intended to do so immediately. But the one thing, Them, would never be shared with his wife. She would want to take part and he could never allow her to do that. Misti’s soul was stain free when it came to murder. His was not.

  Neither had she been tasked with this, something she surely would never understand. Hers was not his belief system. Misti was a pure materialist; Adam allowed for the wonder of living miracles.

  She would ridicule him for what he believed to be the source of these commands. But he wouldn’t engage with her on this issue; she had not been there. She could not, therefore, possibly know or comprehend the nature of the eternal mind of God.

  Adam would wake Alana early the next morning and take her downstairs. Then he would discover what Alana really did remember, then discuss what Alana was willing to tell Misti. Revealing what had happened to her all those years ago was for Alana, and Alana alone, to decide.

  Misti wouldn’t be allowed to bully Alana into revealing everything; such a course would be hideously painful. Adam would make sure his wife understood this, enough to understand that Alana must be allowed to leave this part of her in the distant past. Alana’s relief was quite real; she would never want to revisit her nightmare.

  Alana had been freed from a terrible burden. Perhaps not completely but almost. There was still work to be done, but that was mostly cosmetic. The terror and hideous thing that had occupied Alana’s mind was now gone; removed, excised and lanced. She could learn and feel what it was like to be happy now and move on with her life.

  But it was also true that Alana was at a crossroads and she would have to make monumental decisions about herself and her future. These decisions would not be governed by the wholly rational, but also by instincts and intuition.

  As she went to bed that night, Alana was aware of both realities; freedom from the burdens of her past on one hand and decisions about the future on the other. She would enjoy a peaceful slumber this night, be happy for it and not think beyond it.

  She would address the future when its proper time arrived.

  Chapter 9

  When Adam crept into the master bedroom at five in the morning, both girls were sound asleep, looking like angels. He was sorry to disturb Angel Alana, but they had to get moving before the dragon lady arose for the day. Then her eagle eye would be watching them closely and looking for furtive conversations and speaking in code. Misti had been raised in the “Edward Environment” and knew all the tricks of the Barrows Bay crowd. She was sharp and missed nothing. Nothing important anyway.

  “C’mon sleepy head. Time to rise and shine.” Alana’s eyes popped open and she reflexively reach for the covers. “Up and ‘atem Alana McCarthy. We need to go for a walk. Jump in the shower and don’t worry about how beautiful you are. We’ll be back quick, and yo
u can resume your beauty sleep.”

  Alana hardly could keep her eyes open. “You are a tyrant; Misti’s right. Come back in an hour.”

  “You’re coming right now, little Miss. Get up, get showered and get dressed. Pronto. Or I’ll carry you downstairs in your PJ’s.”

  “Hah! You lose. I’m not wearing any PJ’s. How about that, buddy! Now whatcha gonna do, huh?”

  “A very beautiful young redhead is going to be mighty embarrassed having coffee downstairs in the lobby with me in her birthday suit. Now get crackin’.”

  “You really think I’m beautiful? Really? That’s sweet.” Alana made no effort to move.

  “You were warned. Don’t say you weren’t.”

  With that he pulled back the covers and lifted Alana out of bed. She weighed next to nothing, so the burden was light. He tried not to scan her body too closely but that was difficult, things being as they were. Guys are, well, guys. She wrapped her arms around his neck and went quietly. A shower was out of the question, so Adam delivered her to her room, quickly got her dressed in shorts, a top and a baseball cap, then handed her a cup of black coffee as they rode the elevator down to the lobby coffee shop.

  They went inside, Adam picking up two fresh cups of cappuccino and joined her beside the big picture window overlooking the beach.

  “How did I get dressed?” She was still sleepy and not feeling her best. Not that she cared; what she wanted was more sleep in the big bed.

  “Gremlins. They’re called something different in Hawaii but it’s the same tribe I’m told. Menehune, I think. Late night?”

  “She’s insatiable and I can’t seem to say no. I mean I think I was passed out for the last hour. Didn’t matter. Where does she get all that energy, anyway?”