Finding Love In Big Sky, Montana (Resort to Love--Finding Love line Book 2)

by Angela Ruth Strong

  He shrugged a shoulder, but the intensity in his eyes told her he would have made the sacrifice to be with her. It told her nothing else in his life mattered if he had her.

  But that intensity wouldn’t last. Couldn’t last. Eventually she wouldn’t be enough. And he’d be stuck with her. Stuck with regrets.

  She buried her own regret deep inside, deep enough that it couldn’t tempt her to make a terrible choice. “You don’t want to stay with me, Josh.”

  He looked at her like she was crazy. It would have been funny if it weren’t so sad. “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

  She choked out a laugh. The kind that sounded condescending. The kind that would echo in her nightmares. “Just because you found out I’m the girl you kissed in high school? Grow up.”

  He jerked like she’d slapped him. “I was going to tell you I loved you before I knew about prom. I fell in love with you as a woman, Paisley.”

  He had. And he was. And she’d been about to tell him she loved him, too. But she couldn’t now. Not when he thought she was everything he’d always wanted. Not when he was about to give up his whole life for a fantasy. Not when she was stinging from the reminder of her failure as a woman. He deserved more than that.

  “Goodbye, Josh.” The words rang in her mind. Echoed through the emptiness inside.

  “What? What are you doing, Paisley?”

  She couldn’t stay there and face off with him anymore. She had to get away. “Sam can drive you to The Coffee Cottage.”

  “No. I’m not leaving.”

  Then she would. Blood pounded through her veins as she turned and ran. The snow slowed her pace, but at least it would slow his, too. She listened for his footsteps. Would he chase her? Did she want him to?

  He’d catch her. Spin her. Kiss her. Melt her resolve like ice in sunshine.

  She charged faster, legs pumping against gravity, oxygen burning her lungs. Wind bit at her face, drying her tears. She’d had her last kiss with Josh. And she should thank her dad for preventing any more. Preventing her from trapping Josh in a relationship he would later regret no matter how he felt in the moment.

  “Paisley,” he called. He sounded too close.

  She refused to look back. She’d beat him inside. Use Sam as her shield. Lock herself in her room.

  She pounded up the steps and flung the lodge door open. She dug in her pocket for the sharp, metal truck keys.

  “I knew Josh wouldn’t leave.” Sam stepped out of the kitchen holding a bowl and spoon, but the triumphant gleam in his eye faded as he watched her fly across the room. “What’s wrong?”

  Paisley tossed the keys. They’d be hard for him to catch with his hands full, but he had more time to retrieve them than she did. “You’re driving Josh to his car.”

  “Um . . . why?”

  She didn’t answer but picked up speed, her wet boots screeching against hard wood as she headed down the hallway. Sprinting inside, she slammed the door and fumbled with the lock in slow motion the way she’d only experienced in nightmares. But she’d never dreamed of this. Never dreamed she’d be running from the man she loved—the man who claimed to love her. No, she’d never been so scared.

  Footsteps pounded in the great room. Josh or Sam? It didn’t matter. She had to get that lock twisted.

  The thing finally budged in her numb fingers. Twisted. Locked. She leaned against the door and tried to listen over the sound of her panting.

  What was she running from? Josh had dated a lot of girls in his life but never had one snuggling in his arms one second then sprinting away the moment he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. It was usually the other way around.

  Now that everything was out in the open, there should have been nothing standing in the way of a relationship. He knew she was the girl he’d kissed as a teenager. He knew she had diabetes. He knew she couldn’t have kids.

  That one was rough, but there was always adoption. And really, with the childhood she’d had, she should see the value in rescuing kids from abusive or neglectful environments.

  Oh. Her ranch. That’s why she was turning it into a camp. She wanted to save kids.

  Did she think she had to do it on her own? Had that Nick fellow been as much of a dud as her dad? Had he dumped her when he found out he’d have no offspring?

  Josh ground his teeth and added Paisley’s ex to the growing list of people whose faces he’d like to smash for hurting her. Of course, he’d hurt her once, too. But he hadn’t meant to. And as soon as he told her he wasn’t going to leave her the way Nick had, she’d let him fix all that. But first he had to catch her.

  He rushed through the cabin door she’d left open. Sam stood by the kitchen counter, retrieving keys from a bowl of ice cream. Which was weirder—that Sam served himself a bowl of ice cream at nine in the morning or that Paisley had tossed her keys in it? It didn’t matter.

  “Where’s Paisley?”

  Sam pointed toward the hallway. “What’d you do to her?”

  He followed Sam’s directions and shouted over his shoulder. “I told her I loved her.”

  “Dude,” Sam called after him. Probably every bit as confused.

  Her door was shut. Did she think he’d simply get in Big Red and ride away? Did she know him at all?

  He rapped his knuckles against smooth wooden planks. “Paisley, what’s going on?”

  She sniffed. Right on the other side of the door. Why was she crying? Delayed shock over her dad’s disownment?

  “Honey, you don’t have to be alone anymore.” Alone. The word haunted him. He’d felt alone when he’d lost his job but never like this. Never in the way that every member of his family had either died or disowned him. Never in the way he’d never have another living blood relative.

  Sam appeared at the end of the hallway, a dish towel in his hands. They looked at each other, awaiting Paisley’s response.

  Her voice squeaked a couple times before the words came out. “I have to be alone.”

  His heart hiccupped. Had he heard right? Why would she think that? “Hon, just because your fiancé was an idiot—”

  “He wasn’t.” Her words held no hesitation this time.

  Why was she defending her ex? She was alone because of him.

  He looked to Sam. Sam shook his head.

  “I don’t understand.” Josh frowned at the door between them. They needed to be having the conversation face to face. She needed it as much as he did. So she could see the sincerity in his eyes. See his compassion. His adoration. See he was nothing like the schmuck who broke her heart.

  She sniffled. And for a moment it didn’t sound like she was going to respond. “I ended the engagement, not him.”

  Josh reeled at the news. What had the man done to make her end it with him? She’d said Nick wasn’t an idiot, so it couldn’t have been that bad. Maybe it was because he wasn’t the right man for her. Maybe it was because she’d loved Josh all this time and couldn’t marry someone else.

  Right. Josh was dreaming again. Only this time he had a face to go with his dream. It wasn’t pretend anymore. It was real life. He knew exactly who he wanted to spend that life with. And he’d known before he even realized she was his dream come true.

  His dream would come true. He was good at this. Good at selling things. Good at persuading others to want what he wanted. Good at getting the girl.

  But he had to figure out what was in his way. At the moment it had something to do with Nick.

  “Why did you end your engagement?” He wasn’t going to say Nick’s name. It was always better to act as though he didn’t have a competitor, as though his choice was the only choice.

  “For the same reason I can’t be with you.”

  The oxygen caught in his lungs. Because it was impossible to sell to someone who wasn’t buying. He had to figure out why. He had to know her argument. Had she even discussed her infertility with her fiancé? Or had she made the decision for him?

  If only Josh could knock dow
n the door and kiss her. She couldn’t argue at all when she was kissing.

  He laid a palm against the door. Leaned his forehead against the slick wood. “Why is that?”

  “I can’t give you a family.”

  “I want you to be my family.”

  Her sob shook the door. Shook him. Made a lump form in his throat.

  “I’m . . .” Her words were thick and probably as hard for her to say as they were for him to understand. “I’m not enough.”

  “Paisley.” His heart ached for her. Tears rained down. He hadn’t cried at all when Bree broke up with him, but these weren’t tears for himself. They were tears for her. He only wanted to love her, and she wouldn’t accept it. She had to let him in. Or she really would be alone the rest of her life. “Please let me in.”

  “I can’t,” she choked out in a way that told him she really believed it.

  “Yes, you can.”

  “I’m not coming out until you leave.”

  “I’m not leaving until you come out.”

  Were they going to do this all day? All week? All month? She had to come out sometime.

  Maybe she’d come out sooner if he soothed her fears. “Hon, I’m not like your dad. The man doesn’t know what love is.”

  No response.

  If she was listening, he’d keep talking. “My parents know about love. They have a happy marriage. They aren’t perfect, and they could easily hold each other’s imperfections against one another—blame the other for not giving them everything they want. Heck, they drive me crazy sometimes.”

  Sam chuckled. Josh sent him a warning look. He didn’t want Paisley thinking she was being laughed at. He wanted to lure her out, and he refused to let anything scare her into staying hidden.

  So he continued. “But when it comes to marriage, both my parents think they got the better end of the deal. They both value one another above themselves.”

  He could hear her breathing. As if recovering from a jog. Or working up the nerve to paraglide off Bald Mountain. Was she working up the courage to open the door?

  “I value you, Paisley. Not because of what I want from you. But for who you are. You don’t have to do anything to have value.” Did she understand that? Had anyone ever shown her that before? “You could run away from me and lock yourself in another room, and you’d still have value.”

  She giggled then. A sad little giggle. One that bubbled and popped with thick saliva and tears. But it was something.

  He smiled at the door. Imagined he could feel her body heat through it. She was closer now somehow.

  “Do you value me?” he asked.

  He never would have asked in the beginning. Not when he was already feeling worthless. Not when she’d seemed so put out by his presence. Not when she made snarky remarks about his possessions and track record with women. But something had changed. And it wasn’t only getting his job back. Paisley had been the one to show him he didn’t need all that stuff, and he didn’t need to be liked to be worth something.

  He held his hand above the doorknob, ready to rush in the moment she admitted her feelings and unlocked the door.

  “Yes,” she said.

  He closed his eyes in relief. Even though he knew she’d say yes, it was still a risk to be so vulnerable. Tension drained from his limbs, out his fingertips and toes. In a moment he’d be able to wrap his arms around her and know he’d finally found a home.

  “I love you too much to let you stay here with me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Her words ripped through his gut, clawed his peace, and knifed his hope. He looked at Sam in disbelief. She wanted him to leave because she loved him?

  Sam’s shoulders slumped. He held out an arm as if to say, what can you do?

  Well, he wouldn’t give up. He never did. That’s what made him so successful in business.

  He lifted his hand to slam it against the door in frustration, but he caught himself. If she was going to be reasoned with, he’d have to use words. “That’s not fair, Paisley. I should get some say in this.”

  “You did.”

  “What?” She obviously hadn’t been listening.

  “You explained love to me.” How could she sound so calm? It was like she threw a grenade in his camp then sauntered away unharmed. She wasn’t conflicted anymore. She was decisive. “It means putting the other person first. I’m putting you first. I’m refusing to let you sacrifice a family.”

  “You’re kidding.” She’d completely missed his message.

  “You’re a Lake. You’re surrounded by family. All your brothers will have kids.” She paused. “Even Sam someday.”

  Sam cleared his throat. “I’m not having kids.”

  Josh glared at him. “Go away, Sam.” Not only was his brother not helping the situation, but he just reminded Josh of how he’d originally thought Sam and Paisley were perfect for each other. And now he was finding out Sam didn’t want to have kids and she couldn’t have kids. If Josh left, maybe the two would end up together after all. The image scraped his soul, jagged and sharp. “We’ll discuss your issues later, bro.”

  “Anyway,” Paisley continued, in a voice as light as it was fake. “I’m not going to take that away from you.”

  Did she hear herself? This was like that Christmas story—The Gift of the Magi, except worse. At least in the story when the woman cut off her hair to buy the man a chain for his pocket watch and the man sold his pocket watch to buy the woman hair combs, they had each other in the end.

  But was her sacrifice really about Josh? Or was she still afraid she wouldn’t be enough? Afraid he’d treat her with contempt because she couldn’t give him a son? Afraid she’d risk her life in pregnancy and end up dying like her mother?

  He’d never do that. No loving person would do that. How did he make her understand?

  “Honey.”

  “Stop calling me that.” Her voice cracked.

  He’d keep calling her that if it would break her. “Honey is an endearment. It’s a term used when you care about someone very much. Like how your grandpa called you his treasure. Why wouldn’t I use it?”

  “Because I’m not yours.”

  So cold. So distant. It couldn’t be what she wanted. “You could be.”

  Nothing. Not even the heavy breathing anymore. She was locking off her heart the way she’d locked off her room.

  Sam scuffed his slipper.

  Josh slanted his gaze and tilted his head a couple times to tell his brother to get lost.

  Sam waved him over.

  Josh bulged his eyes. This wasn’t the time.

  Sam motioned him away from the door again.

  Josh couldn’t leave Paisley now. Not when she was so recently wounded. She shouldn’t be alone.

  Sam stuck one hand on his hip and jutted his chin.

  Fine. He’d see what was up. But then he’d come right back. He ran his hand down the plank. He didn’t want to leave it. He didn’t want Paisley to have second thoughts and open the door to find him gone. She might feel abandoned all over again because he wasn’t there and shut herself away a second time. “I’ll be right back, Paisley.”

  His chest expanded as he held his breath. No response. His lungs deflated. He trudged down the hall.

  Sam disappeared around the corner. Probably out of hearing range. The kid had military experience. Maybe he knew some tactic to get into her room. They could unscrew the doorknob. Or take off the hinges.

  Josh couldn’t keep the impatience from ringing through his voice. “What?”

  “Give her some space,” Sam whispered.

  “Space?”

  You didn’t give a potential customer space. You didn’t give them a chance to turn you down. You asked questions that only gave them the opportunity to answer how you wanted them to answer. For example: Do you want to get married in the summer or winter?

  Paisley would choose winter. It suited her.

  “She’s got a lot to process.”

  “Wel
l, yeah, but I’m here for her. We should be processing as a team.”

  “You’re not a team.”

  Ouch. Couldn’t Josh choose a wife the way he picked teammates in elementary school P.E.? Or at least the way he pitched himself to clients?

  “You made a good pitch,” Sam said as if reading his mind. “I loved the whole thing about Mom and Dad. It almost had me wanting to get married.”

  “This isn’t funny, Sam.” Time to get back to the door. Time to show Paisley exactly how long he’d wait for her.

  “You’re right.” The humor faded from Sam’s brown eyes. “It’s pretty sad to see my big brother groveling.”

  Josh crossed his arms and glared. Sam had never been in love. He’d never slowed down enough to date anyone for longer than a few weeks. And he hadn’t seen Paisley’s dad come down on her. He wasn’t aware of the cruelty she’d endured. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Sam.”

  Sam twisted his lips as if to admit he wasn’t the best person to give advice. “You’re right. I’m not the one you should be talking to, Josh. You need to pray about this. Pray for Paisley. Then maybe read what the Bible has to say about love.”

  Gah. Memory verses assaulted him. Stuff about love being patient. Love having trust. Love having hope. Nothing about love being controlling. Nothing about forcing its way. Even if it was the best way.

  God didn’t do that. God didn’t demand he make the right choices. God gave him free will and promised to still be there when he messed up.

  But . . . but . . .

  He leaned back against the cool wall and closed his eyes. This couldn’t be God’s will. God wouldn’t bring Paisley into Josh’s life only for her to push him away. God wouldn’t finally reveal the girl Josh had been looking for since he was eighteen only to have her be out of his reach.

  That experience had to be more like the prophecy that told the magi to look for the star. He’d been on a journey. And he couldn’t stop here, could he?

  Pressure formed in his chest. What if he was supposed to stop like the magi stopped at King Herod’s? It took God’s revelation to both the magi and the Israelites for the magi to be able to use their gifts for God’s glory.