Finding Love In Big Sky, Montana (Resort to Love--Finding Love line Book 2)

by Angela Ruth Strong

  Would any of the Jews have believed Jesus to be their savior if they hadn’t discovered it for themselves? If God hadn’t given them direction, as well? Would Paisley’s decision to let down her walls have to be more about hearing from God than being persuaded by Josh?

  “Why, Lord?”

  Josh didn’t want to have to trust God to give him what he wanted. He didn’t want to have to wait for God’s timing with an ache inside that only washed away when the waves of God’s love rolled in. He wanted the girl. He had to convince her she was enough.

  But maybe it wasn’t about her being enough. Maybe it was about God being enough.

  Josh had a lot. He would be who Jesus was referring to when he talked about the rich. But the money wasn’t enough. The career wasn’t enough. A fiancée wasn’t enough. It never had been. Maybe Paisley was right to worry she wouldn’t be enough for him.

  He tried to shake the thought away. Josh wasn’t like her dad. Was he?

  He had a chance to prove it. But that meant being satisfied even when he didn’t get his way. It meant letting her go.

  He had to overcome his own fear to allow her to overcome hers. The fear didn’t want to be overcome. It knotted inside him. It curled his hands into fists. It threatened to strangle him.

  But what was love without free will?

  Josh’s love life hadn’t had much to do with free will. He’d chased a dream girl. He made the mistake of proposing to a woman who chased him. And now he found the one he wanted to be with, but she’d locked herself in her room.

  On Christmas Eve.

  Josh shook his head. Christmas wasn’t supposed to be like this. But what was it supposed to be like? It started with Jesus being born into a world that would reject Him. Jesus was willing to give up His life for people who hated Him. He loved them despite the way they used their free will against Him.

  Could Josh love Paisley that much? He had to. He had to love her enough to let her go.

  He ran a hand over his face and opened his eyes with a cringe.

  Sam stood there, looking down at him. He held out a small box wrapped in shiny blue paper with silver snowflakes. The necklace.

  “I’m afraid.” He was afraid she would never open it. He was afraid she would never wear it. And he was afraid she’d never allow herself to accept his love the way she wouldn’t accept the gift.

  The partnership that turned into friendship that turned into chemistry that could have turned into happily ever after. Was he going to walk away from it? Could it all be for nothing? She’d moved on without him before. There was a high possibility she’d do so again.

  But it was a risk worth taking. Because even if she didn’t choose him, his love could help bring her healing. That’s what perfect love did.

  Paisley listened at the door. Was he gone? Had he left without saying goodbye? Isn’t that what she wanted?

  She reached for the handle to check. But maybe that’s what he hoped she’d do. And he was waiting quietly on the other side. If she saw him, she’d crumble, and she couldn’t crumble.

  She was calm now. Confident in her choice. Strong enough to keep going without him. Or maybe she was numb. Running on cruise control.

  She strode to the window to see if Big Red had moved yet. It hadn’t, though Dad was gone. If only he’d never come.

  She kicked off her boots with the intensity of kicking them at her father. Immature, but it was hard to stay calm with all the anger trapped inside. She shrugged out of her jacket. Maybe she was just uncomfortable because she was warm. Or maybe because she’d been sobbing on the floor as Josh professed to love her. As she’d professed to love him. That had been weak of her. But she always felt week whenever Dad came around.

  Not that Scott Sheridan was her father anymore. He’d disowned her.

  She huffed. She was finally free of him. Though free could be a lonely place.

  She wiped at the grit under her eyes and checked the mirror to see if she looked like she’d been crying. Pink, puffy eyes stared back, more empty and anxious than she wanted to admit.

  She pressed her hands to her cheeks the way Josh had been holding her less than an hour ago. How had she let herself get into this mess? She’d known he couldn’t stay with her. She’d known there was no future together. Had she led him on? Or had she fallen for him and he’d caught her? That seemed to be her M.O.

  “Paisley?” Josh.

  Her traitorous heart expanded with joy. Her hands slid down to her chest to press it back into place, but they couldn’t keep her lungs from rising and falling hard with each hiss of breath. What did he want? Well, she knew what he wanted . . . or what he thought he wanted. The real question was what did she have to do to get him to give up?

  Part of her hoped he wouldn’t give up. That he’d come around and bust through the window like Indiana Jones swinging from his whip and . . . and . . . and what? Bring her the Holy Grail to restore her health?

  No. He had to go. Better now than after she’d become so addicted to his affection that she couldn’t survive without it.

  “Paisley, I hope you’re listening.”

  She was. With eyes on the door and fingernails dug into palms. And the heaviness of despair.

  “I’m going to go.”

  He was? He must have realized the logic in her argument. He must have agreed a relationship would never last. He wanted a family the way she knew he would.

  She’d known it. But that hadn’t prepared her to hear it. To picture him with a baby in his arms. A toddler climbing on him like a jungle gym. A preschooler dressed for the first day of class, clinging to his hand as they walked down a linoleum hallway that would be filled with paint-scented art projects every time Josh arrived to pick him up.

  The energy drained out her toes. She wilted onto Grandpa’s old plaid bedspread and fell over to her side, hugging her knees to her chest.

  She wanted all that for him. She wanted it for her, too. She wanted it more than her dad had wanted it. She wanted to be part of the miracle of birth. But even more, she wanted to share it with Josh.

  How ironic the Christmas story was about a woman whose pregnancy could have messed up her marriage. Had this been what Mary felt like when God’s plans had not been her own? What had Mary said? May your word to me be fulfilled. That would have to be Paisley’s prayer, too.

  “I’m leaving you a gift.”

  Josh had bought her a gift. Sam had loaned him money when they went shopping. He still wanted to give it to her? Even knowing nothing could come of it?

  She’d open the door after he left. Then open his gift—what would be a precious reminder of the time they shared.

  “I have something to ask in return, Paisley.”

  She stilled. Waited. Dreaded what he might ask. She had nothing left to give.

  “Imagine our places are reversed.”

  Imagine she was outside the door, and he’d locked himself in a room and was crying on the bed in a fetal position? That couldn’t be what he meant.

  “Imagine I was the one who couldn’t have kids.”

  Her hand rose to cover her mouth. Why would he suggest such a thing?

  “Imagine you loved me, but I wouldn’t even talk to you because I didn’t want you to sacrifice pregnancy to be with me.”

  Her gaze bounced around the room in confusion. Did the idea change everything? Or did it change nothing? It almost made her fear seem silly. Almost.

  But she had a right to be afraid. Her mom should have been afraid.

  “Would you still want to be with me if I was the one who couldn’t have kids?”

  She rolled onto her back, clutched her churning stomach, and stared at the exposed beams on the ceiling. Of course she would choose to be with him. She would make sacrifices for him.

  She was making a sacrifice for him. But was it because she loved him or because she didn’t think she was worth making a sacrifice for?

  It didn’t matter. She was doing the right thing. He could thank her later on whe
n his son wore a bathrobe to play a shepherd in the living nativity or his daughter put on a tutu to perform in The Nutcracker.

  “If you would still choose to be with me, then I ask you to give me the same opportunity.”

  If only it were that easy.

  “I choose you, Paisley. Above all others, I choose you.”

  She couldn’t let the words seep in no matter how she’d longed to hear them. They were like the scent of chocolate cake baking in the oven to a woman on a diet. Reveling in the moment would destroy all her hard work and the goals she’d set for herself.

  Being in love was worse than dieting, though. Ask her mom. Paisley sank deeper into the mattress because she didn’t have a mom around to ask anymore.

  Silence. Then footsteps. Two sets. A door thumped shut.

  Her body tingled back to life, though standing up and walking to the window felt more like a dream than reality. She watched Josh pick up his duffle from where he’d dropped it in the snow earlier and toss it into the bed of the pickup. He looked back at the lodge before climbing into the passenger seat next to Sam.

  She didn’t hide behind the curtains. He probably couldn’t see her anyway. And if he did, it would be the last time he ever saw her. She hoped he would remember her. Even as he went back to his career and hung out with friends and fell in love with someone else, she hoped he would always have a place in his heart for her—the way you did a first love. Even if it took him years to find out who his first love was.

  The engine revved and died. Her heart did the same.

  If the truck didn’t start, she might have to go out there after all. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cool, smooth pane of glass. It was too fitting. Too tragic. Yet ironic enough to wrench a laugh out of her.

  “Why, Lord?” She’d prayed for His word to be fulfilled. Like the prophecies that led the magi to baby Jesus. Wasn’t it God’s will for Josh to leave? What if it wasn’t? What if Big Red’s engine issues were a sign, the way the Christmas star was a sign?

  The engine clicked again then died, replaced by the stillness of a Montana winter. She normally enjoyed the quiet, but not when it was this thick and suffocating. What was God trying to tell her?

  She’d also prayed for God to send her a friend the same day Josh arrived. She hadn’t made the connection before because she’d considered Josh more of a foe at first. But they’d become friends. More than friends. And now she was sending him away. Like a gift being returned for store credit.

  She bit her lip as she watched Josh through the window. Her temples throbbed. Was he out there feeling the same way? Perhaps he was praying the engine wouldn’t start. How would he react if she ran to him? If she gave him that chance he’d asked for?

  But she wouldn’t do it unless he really was a gift from God. Could God love her that much?

  The ignition turned over. Caught. Rumbled to life.

  Big Red rolled away.

  Paisley’s exhale fogged the window. She pulled a hand inside the sleeve of her sweater to use the material like an eraser. To see if Josh was really leaving her. To see if God really allowed him to leave.

  The scene that reappeared before her was a familiar one. Snow. The fence. The barn. Trees. Mountains. Blue sky. A lot of blue sky. But no truck. No Josh.

  Her eyes welled. She closed them, her lids forcing tears to roll down her cheeks. But that was stupid. She’d been stupid to get her hopes up. She wiped at her face with her sweater, though it didn’t dry her skin very well as the material was already wet from the window pane.

  Josh wasn’t her gift. God had already given her the ranch as a gift.

  Gifts . . . Josh had given her a gift, too. She left the window to unlock her door and dig under the tree. But she didn’t have to go that far. There in the hallway sat a little box with a silver bow on top.

  Why did it have to be the size of a ring box? Her belly warmed. But it couldn’t be a ring. They hadn’t been at a jewelry store when he bought it. And he’d never spoken about marriage. He said he wanted to stay with her, but he never mentioned marriage. Except the one time when he said she might get married at Big Sky Chapel. Her stomach churned.

  She bent over and retrieved the package. She held it in front of her and looked back toward the window. Would he know she’d be opening it right now? Would he be looking out the window as Big Red rumbled down the dirt road picturing her tearing into the paper?

  What would she find when she did?

  As a kid, Mom always let her open one present on Christmas Eve. This would be her one present. She’d pretend Mom was looking down from heaven. She’d pretend she wasn’t alone.

  She turned over the box and slid a finger underneath the paper to peel away the tape. She retrieved the leather box with a hinge. It wasn’t the velvet kind that held a diamond solitaire. It was rugged and earthy. It was perfect.

  She smiled at the box. She didn’t even know what was inside, yet she already understood it wasn’t going to be a meaningless trinket. It came from Josh’s heart. He now had the money to buy her a matching Mercedes if he wanted to, but it wouldn’t matter as much as this—as much as a gift he’d had to borrow money from Sam to buy. A gift that he wanted to give her even when he thought she had feelings for Sam.

  Now that was love.

  She clasped the top half of the box and pinched to lift it. There, nestled against recycled cardboard, lay a silver pendant—the outline in the shape of Montana with a star dangling in the center. The Bright Star Ranch logo.

  She fingered the handmade necklace. It was her. But it was also him. His design of her home. A home that was lonely without him.

  She carried the box to the dresser. She set it down with shaky hands and lifted the thin chain to clasp it behind her neck. Then she stared at the reflection.

  Someday the ranch would feel more like home. She’d have her own kids. The ones who’d arrive on Monday and leave on Friday, but come back year after year. They’d ride horses, hike to pick huckleberries. and swim in the pond during the day. They’d sing around the campfire at night. And over s’mores they might ask, “You don’t have any kids?” She’d say, “You’re all my kids.” And she’d clutch this necklace and remember how the star led the wise men to Jesus, and how Josh’s star led all her children to her. That would be her gift.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “You’re doing the right thing,” Sam told him for the third time, as he turned out onto the highway.

  How would Sam know? Simply because he gave Tracen good advice about Emily earlier that year didn’t make him a relationship guru. “Are you going to get Paisley to change her mind? Are you going to put a plane ticket to Chicago in her stocking?”

  “You don’t want that.”

  “Yes, I do.” He wanted somebody to do something to keep Paisley from throwing away what they could have together.

  “You don’t want anybody to make Paisley do anything. That’s manipulation. That’s what you told me her father did to her mother.”

  Thinking about Paisley’s father made Josh growl. “That man has messed up everything.” Not only Josh’s relationship with Paisley, but Paisley’s relationship with herself.

  “No, he hasn’t. You’re giving him too much power.”

  “Paisley is giving him too much power.”

  “Which is why she has to be the one to take her power back.”

  What if she didn’t? Or what if she thought taking her power back meant never letting anyone else in again? “She needs me to be there for her.”

  “She knows you’re there. She just doesn’t know she wants you to be there yet.” Sam slowed to round a bend. He spoke slowly, too. How could he be so calm? Probably because he’d never been in love. He didn’t know the sensation of drowning that came after having a woman tie his hands behind his back and walk him off the plank.

  What did Sam think would happen? She’d call? Apologize? Invite him to return to the ranch? Not the Paisley he knew. She was as stubborn as she was in
dependent.

  “I should have been there for her all along.” He leaned against the seatbelt to rest his head in his hands. “She’s the girl I kissed in high school.”

  “I know.”

  Josh froze. His gut twisted. He sat up and stared. What was wrong with his brother? This was the guy giving him guidance? And Josh was listening? “You knew?” He threw arms to the sides. “You knew? What else aren’t you telling me?”

  Sam flipped on his blinker to turn into The Coffee Cottage. “I tried to tell you.”

  Bah. Sam had made the suggestion then let Josh dismiss it. “You should have tried harder.”

  Sam shot him a quick glance before turning off the road. He lifted a brow. “She didn’t want me to tell you.”

  The words rammed into Josh’s stomach like a fist. Paisley was walling off her heart from him—him, the one person above all who wanted to protect it. And the more he tried to scale those walls, the more she’d believe him to be the enemy.

  “I’m sorry, bro.” Sam shifted to park and shut off the engine.

  Josh was back where he first ran into Paisley. Where she’d almost refused to help him out. Where she’d made fun of his car. And where Big Red had trouble starting.

  Why did the truck have to start today? Sam should have given up on the second try. Then Josh would still be at the ranch. Close enough that Paisley couldn’t push him out of her mind. Close enough that he’d know if she’d opened up the gift he gave her. Close enough for her to watch him through the window.

  She had been watching through the window. He’d seen her silhouette. Hoped it would disappear for a moment before she came running out through the snow to stop him. But it was too late. Now he had no choice but to drive away.

  The Mercedes sat in front of him, reindeer antlers and all. His sleigh awaited. Ho, ho, ho. What kind of Christmas was this?

  “I’ll buy you a coffee to keep you awake,” Sam offered.

  Josh wouldn’t need the caffeine to stay awake. He’d more likely need something to help him sleep when he got back to his condo. But he’d accept the coffee because it was one more delay. One more chance for Paisley to jump on Sam’s rented snowmobile and block his exit. He climbed out of Big Red’s heavy door and slammed it to make sure it closed properly.