CREE

by LaShawn Vasser

  “You’ll never be ready if you don’t get up and face the world. If no one else has the guts to do it, I’m done allowing you to give in to despair!”

  Cree screamed at her. “Get out of my room Melody! You don’t get to tell me when or how to get over my grief! A piece of your soul wasn’t taken away from you.”

  It was time for some tough love, Melody put her hands on her hips. “You’re right. I wasn’t violated the way you were. But, you’re letting that bastard win by wasting away in this room. That ends today, Cree. Now…get your ass up and get in the shower! You can do it on your own, or I’ll throw you in there. The choice is yours.”

  Cree could tell by the firm set of Melody’s mouth that she was serious. After a few moments of a silent stare down, Cree finally threw the covers off of her body and got out of her bed.

  Melody was alarmed at what she saw. Cree’s sleeper bottoms were barely staying up on her. It was painfully obvious; she hadn’t been eating.

  Cree wrapped her arms around her frail body. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  Melody softened her face. “I’m looking at you like I’m worried. We’re all worried about you Cree. You’re stronger than this.” Her voice came out in a strangled whisper as her eyes filled with tears. “Fight dammit. Fight.”

  Cree did her best to swallow back her tears. She couldn’t respond. Instead she went into her bathroom and turned on the shower.

  Melody passed the bathroom doorway. “I’ll see if Pa Pa can make you some chicken noodle soup while you’re in the shower. And, wash your hair. It’s a mess. But, I’ll help you with it after you get out.”

  *****

  Two hours later, Cree had showered and was wearing a fresh pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. They sat outside on the porch as Melody made sure she ate some of her grandfather’s homemade chicken noodle soup while she put Bantu knots in her hair.

  Begrudgingly, Cree had to admit she did feel better.

  Melody didn’t want to talk about anything too heavy. She wasn’t sure Cree could handle it just yet, but she had to mention Cameron. Melody had been keeping him at bay since they brought Cree back. If she didn’t call him soon, he was going to show up at her door.

  “Cameron’s been calling me and everybody else like crazy asking about you. He says you’re not answering his calls. Cree, he’s worried sick just like the rest of us.”

  Cree exhaled. “I know. But, I just can’t deal with him and my issues at the same time.”

  “He wants to help you deal. And, it seems to me like you’re not dealing with any issues. You’ve been hiding in your room. Have you made an appointment with that doctor? Maybe she can help.”

  She spoke quietly. “No, not yet.”

  “You should probably do that and soon. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but…”

  Cree turned around to give her a skeptical look.

  Melody ignored her. “You might want to call him. If nothing else just to let him know how you’re doing. Otherwise, he’s going to be down here trying to haul you back to New York.”

  “That would be a waste of his time because I’m not going back to New York.”

  Melody’s hands stilled in her hair. “Like…ever? That’s a pretty big decision. What about Cameron?”

  Cree sat on the porch with her knees pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them while Melody combed her hair. “Mel…I don’t want to sound harsh, but I’ve spent all of my adult life worrying about Cameron’s wants and needs. I’ve devoted so much time to making sure he was okay that I forgot about me. Somewhere, in all of it, I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am or what I want. I need to figure that out before I can even begin to think about our relationship.”

  Hesitantly, Melody spoke. “I can understand you need some time to figure things out but he loves you. And, you love him. You shouldn’t shut him out.”

  Matter-of-factly Cree stated, “Cameron’s life is in New York. Mine is here. I don’t know how you can reconcile the two.”

  *****

  A couple of weeks later, Cree was sitting in her grandfather’s living room with her feet curled underneath her. She was going through the Jackson University course catalog. Cree had dropped by the campus’ administrative offices on her way home from visiting with Dr. Laurel.

  Melody had been right. Cameron walked through her grandfather’s door, calling her name. “Cree?”

  She looked up somewhat surprised to see him, but not really. He had that same look on his face as he did the first time they’d met except he looked tired. That pulled at her heartstrings, transporting her back in time.

  Cree had been running late for class and couldn’t find her math book in her locker.

  After she’d found it, Cree shut the door, and Cameron was standing on the other side with a super sexy grin on his face. His sea blue eyes sparkled.

  He rubbed the back of his neck and asked for directions to his biology class.

  “Hi. I’m Cameron Jacobs, and I was hoping you could help me.” He turned on that megawatt smile. “I’m kind of new here and I think I’ve gotten myself a little turned around.”

  Cree returned his smile with one of her own, and it took his breath away. “I’m Creandra Watson, but everyone calls me Cree. Who are you looking for?”

  He looked down at his schedule. “Mr. Botnick’s biology class.”

  Good looking and smart. What a rare combination. Seldom did the guys at her school instantly make her heart race, but Cameron had been an exception. It probably wouldn’t matter since he most likely wasn’t into girls like her. “Hmm…you’re in his class huh? Must be pretty smart.”

  “And you’re beautiful. Is there a boyfriend who might be pissed that you’re walking me to class?” Cameron had never been this forward with a girl before.

  Shocked, Cree stopped mid-stride to look into his face to see if he was joking.

  Cameron mistook it for being offended. “I’m sorry. Sometimes my thoughts slip out before I have a chance to rein them in. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  She started walking again. “No…no. You didn’t offend me; I just wasn’t sure if you were serious or not.”

  His easy smile returned. “Nope. I wasn’t kidding. How about that boyfriend? He wouldn’t be on the wrestling team or a linebacker for the football team would he? It would suck to get beat up on my first day of school here.”

  “You’re a pretty athletic looking guy. I’m sure you wouldn’t have to worry about that. Anyway, here’s your class.”

  “He’s a lucky dude.”

  Cree peered over her shoulder as she walked away. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Why won’t you take my calls?” His voice brought her back to the present. It had been almost a month since the last time she’d seen him. Just like that moment in high school, he still took her breath away, but unlike then, when he pursued her relentlessly, Cree had to be strong.

  Breathlessly she spoke. “What are you doing here?”

  He drank in the sight of her unable to pull his eyes away. “What was I supposed to do after we talked, and you told me you weren’t coming back to New York? I’m here to convince you to change your mind.”

  “Cameron, that’s not going to happen.”

  He sat down next to her. “I heard you when you said you needed some time to sort things out at the hospital. I’ve tried my best to give it to you. But Cree, we can’t work through our problems with you here and me in New York.”

  She needed to stand firm. “I meant what I said. I’m not going back to New York.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been seeing Dr. Stevenson. We can get past this Cree, but we’ve got to at least be in the same city.”

  “Cameron…what’s my favorite food? Outside of sewing what do I like to do for fun?”

  He looked at her blankly. “Cree…”

  “You couldn’t possibly know because I have no idea.” She touched his cheek. “I’ve tried to explain this t
o you in a way you’d understand. I need to find answers to some of those questions.”

  “Baby, we can do it together.”

  She shook her head no. “My instincts are telling me to follow you to the ends of the earth. I can’t and be a whole person. I’ve allowed myself to be swallowed up inside your life and lost me in the process. Everything in our relationship has been about you, and I forgot about me. I came here…home to find me.”

  “What you’re asking me to do is like cutting off half of myself.”

  A tear slid down her cheek. “I know. Me too, but if you’re honest, we’ve been apart so much over the last few years that there’s so much about each other we don’t even know anymore. It’s like our relationship stood still after high school. But you? Look at you. In all the time we’ve been apart, you’ve changed in ways that I still have to learn.” She paused sadly. “And, after everything that has happened to me recently, I’m forever changed too.”

  “So, maybe we’ve changed, but, my love for you hasn’t. We can figure this out.”

  Cree whispered, “Cameron, you’ve got to let me go.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Cam…please. This is hard enough as it is. Go back to New York and finish your residency. Presbyterian really is an incredible opportunity.” Cree pushed herself off the couch and ran into her bedroom. She closed and locked the door just in case he tried to follow her.

  Cree stood with her back against the door until she heard the front door open and close. Then, a few moments later, the sound of a car started up and drove away. As painful as it was, she knew she’d done the right thing.

  Cree slid down onto the floor as she let her tears fall freely.

  Chapter 17

  It was early morning, and Cree was standing at the kitchen counter in a fluffy white robe pouring herself a bowl of cereal. She wasn’t very hungry but needed to put something in her system. She’d already lost too much weight.

  “Good morning. You’re up early?” Cree’s grandfather walked into the kitchen in a pair of shorts and a polo shirt.

  Cree raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, so are you. You’re looking very handsome. What’s going on?”

  He smiled cheekily. “You think I look handsome?”

  Cree put her hands on her hips. “You’re avoiding the question and my eyes.” Her face lit up with recognition, “You’re meeting a woman!”

  Mr. Watson popped his collar. “Maybe I am.” He grinned. “I'm meeting Violet Green for breakfast over at Gino’s. We meet every Thursday morning.”

  Cree frowned. “Since when?”

  “Since…none of your business. Now, back to my original question. What are you doing up this early?”

  She laughed. “Violet, huh? Wow. I had no idea. Well, since you must know, I’m going to take the train down to Jackson U today and enroll in a couple of classes.”

  Her grandfather went to the refrigerator to grab himself a water bottle. “Are you sure about that? I mean about not going back to New York?”

  Cree turned around and rested her back on the counter as she folded her arms. She spoke softly, “I’m pretty sure.”

  He twisted the cap on his drink and turned the bottle up. “What about Cameron? He looked miserable yesterday when I saw him.”

  The sadness in her voice was unmistakable, “Pa Pa…it’s not my intention to hurt him. I love Cameron with every fiber of my being. He’s my first and only real love. I wish there were a way for us to both have what we want and need. But, right now, our lives are on two different paths. He’s been traveling on his for a while, and I’m just getting started.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to it so soon after everything?”

  Cree took a deep breath. “I think so. I’ve allowed that monster to take too much from me already. Even though I’m not over it by a long shot, Melody was right. I’ve got to put one foot in front of the other. The way I see it, I have two choices. I can go back to New York and pretend my needs aren’t important. Or, I can get to know me a lot better. For the first time, I’m choosing me.”

  Her grandfather walked over to her, put his water on the counter, and then stretched his arms out to rest on each of her shoulders. He gazed deeply into her eyes. “I know this is hard for you too. There’s a lot of love there between you and Cameron. I hope eventually, you’ll find your way back to each other. However, I’m more than thrilled to see you’ve decided to live and not let the horrors of life cause you to shut down.”

  Cree wrapped her arms around her grandfather’s waist and hugged him tightly. She laid her head on his chest, closed her eyes, and exhaled. “Thanks, Pa Pa.” Speaking into his shirt she admitted, “I’m terrified, but I feel this is something that I’ve got to do.”

  “Well, I’m here for you, and I’ll help as much as I can.”

  “I love you so much Pa Pa.”

  “I love you too.”

  *****

  Cree walked out of the Financial Aid office a little depressed. She had to find a job and a roommate in the next couple of weeks. School would be starting soon. She couldn’t live with her grandfather forever, and financial aid was only going to go so far.

  It was probably best that she relocated to Jackson since her classes were all over the place. There was no way she was going to hop on a train back to Henrickson at ten o’clock at night. Cree just prayed her little Kia would make it at least another year. Driving around town, it just might however, it definitely wouldn’t make it trying to commute.

  As Cree walked over to the Bookstore, she couldn’t help but notice summer was ending. While the weather was still warm, the days were starting to get shorter. The stifling heat and humidity was coming to an end. This was her favorite time of the year.

  Cree still needed to buy one more book on her syllabus and the last time she checked her account it only had $234.69 in it. That was more than a month ago and with banking fees, it was probably less than that. She went over to the ATM and prayed her book wasn’t more than fifty dollars. Cree hated to ask her grandfather for money, but she may need to borrow from him until she started working.

  Cree swiped her ATM card into the machine, entered her pin, and selected balance. The last thing she wanted was to get to the checkout line and be completely embarrassed because she didn’t have enough money. The receipt printed out and her mouth almost hit the floor. There had to be a mistake. Her balance was $3230.69. Cree looked around bewildered as if someone could answer the question of how all that money got into her account. She pressed her hand to her heart. It was beating rapidly then it almost stopped. Cameron? Nervously, she pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed his number.

  It rang a couple of times. Just when Cree thought it was going to go to voice-mail, he picked up.

  “Cree?”

  She stuttered. “H..Hi Cameron. I hate to bother you...”

  He interrupted her. “You’re never a bother.”

  Cree put her other hand to her forehead. The people around her probably thought she was crazy; standing in the middle of the sidewalk acting disheveled.

  Uneasily, Cree spoke. “I just went into my account, and there’s more money in there than should be. I was just wondering if…”

  “I’ve been making deposits ever since you left. It’s not a lot, but I can put $1000 in every couple of weeks. Melody, told me you’re starting school soon, I figured you could use it. I’ve been working double shifts, so I was able to deposit an extra $1000 my last paycheck.”

  Just when she didn’t think she had any tears left to shed, he went and did this. She whispered, “Cameron New York is not a cheap place to live. I can’t ask you to do this.”

  Cameron was being paged over the hospital intercom. Damn it. He just wanted to hear her voice a little while longer. “Cree, you worked two jobs for me for years to help put me through school. It’s my turn. It was good timing that I broke the lease on our apartment when Freddie needed a roommate. So, while I don’t have much extra, sharing the rent allows me to ge
t a pizza now and then.”

  “Dr. Jacobs, you’re needed in the emergency room.” This time Cree heard the page, “Sounds like they need you.”

  He wanted so badly to tell Cree that he needed her. Instead, he just responded stoically. “Yeah. I better get going.”

  “Cameron…” She hesitated. “Thank you.”

  He tried to keep the sadness out of his voice. “Promise you’ll call if you need anything okay?”

  Cree wiped away a tear. “Promise.”

  *****

  It had been six weeks, and Cree was settling into her new routine. School, library, home. With the money Cameron would send she was able to rent an apartment. It was only a two room place, but it was better than the one she’d had before moving to New York. Even though it was sparsely furnished, Cree still was able to put her personal touch on it.

  Someone knocked on her door. She glanced at her watch to see that it was 8:30 pm. Who would be coming over to her place at this hour? Especially given that Cree hadn’t made a lot of friends since she’d moved to Jackson, she was nervous about going to the door.

  Quietly, she went to look through the peep hole. Although she had been in counseling with Dr. Laurel, in some ways her life had been altered forever after the attack. She would never take her safety for granted again.

  It was a young woman she’d seen in the building before. Cree took the chain off the door and unlocked the deadbolt.

  “Oh, good you’re home. I hate to be that neighbor, but I’m that neighbor. My name is Candice Earl, and I live two doors down. I’m in the middle of making dinner for a very special guy and didn’t realize I was out of sugar. Do you think I can borrow a cup?”

  It was quite evident that Candice was excited about her date. She wore a cute mini-sundress and wedge heeled sandals. Cree had to look down to address her because she could see clear over the top of her Janet Jacksonish box braids. However, after spending so much time in classes with eighteen and nineteen year olds, it was nice to see a face that appeared to be about her age.

  Candice’s chocolate eyes were alight. Cree knew that look. It was the same one she had every time Cameron would come home from school. There was no denying she missed him, but she’d made her choice. It was the best decision for her.