Sasquatch and the Muckleshoot

by Adam Gidwitz

  Raven cocked her head curiously and pointed at a brown pile by the professor’s shoes. “That’s because you’re eating actual deer scat right now. . . .”

  “Am I really? Interesting!” the professor replied. He continued chewing.

  The kids stared at him, horrified.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Raven made a small pile of rocks. “We have lots of ways to send messages without writing. Like tree-knocking, which is hitting tree trunks with sticks. Sasquatch do that to communicate with one another, too. And we can do this.” She stood up and gestured down at her arrangement of stones. “See?”

  “I get it!” Elliot said. “That sort of looks like an arrow. Does that mean to go in that direction?”

  “ʔəsƛ́əlabut čəxʷ,” Raven said. It sounded like “us-ku-la-boot chuwh.” “You got it, Screams A Lot. You’re a fast learner. I think you’re going to be okay when we’re out on sasquatch patrol.”

  Raven smiling at him made Elliot feel warm and strange inside. He didn’t like it. “Whatever. I’m sure I’ll be eaten by a sasquatch.”

  “I think you’d taste disgusting to a sasquatch,” Uchenna replied.

  “Yeah,” Raven agreed. “They’d probably just crush you to death.”

  “Ah, right,” said Elliot. He felt comfortable again.

  Uchenna spun around. “Hey, where’s Professor Fauna?”

  “Professor?” Elliot called.

  “PROFESSOR!” all three of them called at once.

  “SHHHH, BE QUIET!”

  Fauna’s whisper, which was louder than their calling, came from high in the rustling branches of a medium-size cedar tree. “COME UP HERE. QUIETLY! WE MUST NOT BE SEEN OR HEARD!”

  The cedar’s branches were as straight and evenly spaced as a ladder. Raven, Elliot, and Uchenna climbed up after Professor Fauna. They found the professor perched on a dangerously thin bough, with Jersey balancing on his shoulder. Both the professor and their tiny winged friend were peering through the branches toward the entrance to the park.

  “You see?” Professor Fauna said, pointing with a long finger at the white van parked below.

  “Oh no,” Elliot said.

  “Oh yes,” Uchenna replied. “SNERT!”

  “Bless you,” said Elliot. Uchenna shot him a look and then focused on the Schmoke news van again.

  Grace Goodwind stood near it, fixing her makeup and shaking out her long blond hair (in slow motion, somehow), as the cameraman got ready for an establishing shot.

  “Bad news?” Raven asked.

  Uchenna raised an eyebrow at her.

  “Sorry,” Raven apologized. “I guess my pop’s punning is contagious.”

  “They are very bad news indeed,” Fauna said. “Their company is owned by the Schmoke brothers.”

  Sam Brounsnout, the acne-faced producer, stood with his hands on his hips. They could just hear his voice in the distance. “The crazy truck-van-Cadillac thing definitely stopped here and dropped off that weird man and his kids.”

  “And that disgusting creature they had with them,” Grace added, smearing lipstick on her lips and smacking them together. “So, now we have to go in there and find them!”

  “You’re coming, too?” Andy the cameraman asked. “I’m surprised, Grace.”

  Grace winked at him. “One word, Mickey.” She made her voice low and sultry. “Prime time.”

  “That’s two words, Grace,” said Andy.

  “Don’t talk back to the talent!” Grace snapped. Then she straightened her bright blue dress and made like she was in a shampoo commercial a few more times.

  Professor Fauna turned and whispered to the kids, “They must not see us! We must be poised like the panther! Silent like the snake! Undercover like the oranguta—AHH!”

  As he shifted on his branch, the professor’s feet slipped. He would have fallen out of the tree if all three children had not grabbed him.

  “There!” Grace shouted, pointing into the trees. “GO!”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Andy the cameraman and Sam Brounsnout took off running, with Grace following after them, trying not to tumble over in her stiletto heels.

  A moment later, they were in the park, staring up into the very cedar tree where the Unicorn Rescue Society was hiding. Uchenna had a tight grip on Professor Fauna. Elliot had a tight grip on Jersey. Raven had a tight grip on Elliot, which made Elliot feel very weird.

  “Don’t move,” Raven whispered.

  Andy focused his camera on the tree. “Can you see them?” he asked.

  “No . . . ,” Sam said, peering into the dense green branches.

  “They’ve got to be up there,” Grace snapped. “What kind of bird sings like an old man shrieking?”

  “Who is calling Mito Fauna an old—” Professor Fauna tried to shout, but Uchenna shushed him.

  “All right, Gilbert, camera on me!” Grace announced. “If we can’t find the news, we’ll make it.”

  “Gilbert?” Andy murmured. He trained his camera on Grace.

  “This park may look peaceful,” said Grace Goodwind, flipping her blond hair over her shoulder and training her cobalt eyes on the camera lens. “But in this tree behind me there is a horrible, terrible monster—one undiscovered by science. And we at SNERT will be the first to expose it to the world. Don’t change that channel! We’ll be here all day if we have to. The truth will be revealed! I’m Grace Goodwind and you can trust me to tell you all the news I want you to know.”

  She lowered her mic. “Sam, do you know how to operate a chain saw?”

  “What?!?”

  “Go buy a chain saw and we’ll cut this dumb tree down!”

  “This is a public park! And I’ve never used a chain saw in my life!”

  “Then make sure it comes with an instruction manual. We’ll figure it out. Martin, keep that camera loaded!”

  “It’s digital, Grace. It’s always loaded. And it’s Andy.”

  “Whatever. Sam, what are you waiting for?”

  Sam Brounsnout looked conflicted.

  Just then, Uchenna whispered to Raven. “Do you have any more of those chocolates?”

  “Sure. But you’re hungry now?”

  “Just give me one.”

  Raven reached into her pocket, brought out a chocolate-covered caramel, and handed it to Uchenna. Uchenna held it out in her hand and offered it to Jersey. He licked it into his mouth. Then he started whining for another one.

  “What’d you do that for?” Elliot whispered. “Now he won’t be quiet till he eats them all!”

  “Can I have the rest?” Uchenna asked Raven. Reluctantly, Raven took the box out of her pocket and handed it over. Uchenna turned the camouflage backpack—which had air holes for Jersey—around to her stomach, opened it, and dumped the candies into the bottom. Immediately, Jersey scrambled from Elliot’s arms into the backpack. “Stay quiet, little buddy,” Uchenna whispered. And then, hoisting Jersey’s pack onto her back and turning to the others, she said, “Follow my lead.”

  Uchenna began climbing down the tree. Raven, Elliot, and Professor Fauna looked at one another uncertainly. But they followed her.

  Uchenna leaped to the ground from a low branch, in front of the surprised SNERT crew. “You got us,” Uchenna said, as the other three clambered down beside her. “Our teacher here is trying to show us how to move stealthily in the woods. But I guess we have more work to do.”

  “Where is that creature?!” Grace Goodwind exclaimed. “Rafael, roll ’em!”

  “They’re rolling, Grace,” Andy muttered, his camera trained on the kids.

  “What creature?” said Uchenna.

  “That disgusting winged thing that you had in the burger joint! It looked like a blue baby deer crossed with a bat!”

  Uchenna looked at Elliot, who looked at Raven, who looked at
the professor. They all shrugged. Then Uchenna looked at Sam and gestured at Grace. “Does she have a problem or something?”

  Sam stammered, “Well, I thought I saw something, too . . . but it does seem far-fetched, now that you mention it—”

  “I know what I saw!” Grace snapped. Then her eyes narrowed. “What’s in the bag?”

  “Uh, nothing!” Elliot said at once. “Schoolwork!”

  At the very same moment, Raven said, “Video games!”

  They looked at one another awkwardly.

  Professor Fauna, eager to help, said, “Of course! Because our school is a . . . uh . . . a school of video games! The International, uh, Video Game, uh, Academy and University! Yes!”

  Grace looked skeptical. “And why does a video game academy and university, whatever that is, have classes in a tree?”

  “Uh . . . ,” Professor Fauna stammered. “Um . . . As practice for playing our favorite game, of course! Which is called . . . which is called . . .”

  “Ninjas in a Tree?” Raven offered.

  Grace put a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow. “I’m a reporter, guys. I can tell when people are lying to me.”

  “Except when they’re politicians,” said Sam Brounsnout.

  “Except when they’re politicians,” agreed Grace Goodwind.

  Uchenna replied, “I’m sorry, miss, you’re right. My friends were lying. There’s nothing in the bag but candy—my friends just don’t want to share it with you. Here. Look.” And Uchenna swung the bag around to her stomach and opened it.

  Raven, Elliot, and Professor Fauna gasped.

  Grace Goodwind, eyes wide, peered into Uchenna’s backpack. Sam looked over her shoulder, and Andy trained the camera into the darkness of the bag.

  There was clearly nothing in the bag. Nothing but some loose chocolate-covered caramels.

  Then Uchenna said, “You guys need to find something better to do than follow some kids around with a camera. Isn’t there some real news to cover?”

  Sam stammered. Andy chortled and then tried to stifle it in his sleeve. But Grace said, “It must still be up in that tree! We’re going to wait right here, as long as we have to. Wilbur, camera on me!”

  “Wilbur? Really?” said Andy. “Whatever you say, Grace.” He sighed.

  Uchenna, Elliot, Raven, and Professor Fauna walked down the marked path and out into the sunny parking lot.

  “Where’d he go?” Raven hissed.

  “What do you mean?” Uchenna replied. She held the backpack open in the sunlight. A shimmering blue Jersey Devil was curled up in the bottom of the bag, devouring chocolate-covered caramels.

  Raven’s mouth fell open. Professor Fauna smiled proudly.

  “Jersey Devils can turn invisible in the shade,” Elliot explained. “That was some quick thinking, Uchenna.”

  She winked at him and zipped the backpack closed again, so Jersey could enjoy his candy in peace.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Twenty minutes later, they were rumbling down the road in the TruckVanAc, the kids having just recounted their adventure with the SNERT reporters to Mr. gәqidәb.

  “And you, amigo mío?” Professor Fauna asked Mack. “Have you found a way to expose the Schmoke brothers’ villainous plans to clear-cut these forests?”

  “Not quite yet,” Mack replied. “But I discovered that Edmund and Milton Schmoke themselves are in town now. What you lot need to worry about,” Mack said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder to the back of the TruckVanAc, “is fitting into those sasquatch suits.”

  Uchenna picked up a hot, hairy costume. “It smells,” she said.

  “More believable that way,” Raven answered. She held up the hard hat and orange vest that Elliot had deposited on the floor. Under the hard hat she saw a blond wig. “Dad, what is all this?”

  Mack looked quickly at what his daughter was referring to, then he retrained his vision back at the road and changed the subject. “We’ll hike into Sasquatch Valley,” Mack said, “carrying our costumes in our packs. Raven and I will show you the lay of the land. Then we’ll put on our big feet, start laying down false trails, let ourselves get seen from a distance by some of those film crews, and try to keep them away from the heart of the valley.”

  * * *

  It was an hour’s hike from Mack’s house to the trail. Along the way, Elliot and Uchenna marveled at the abundance of green life around them, the way the trees were covered with moss, the gray beard lichen hanging down from the branches of the old firs. They heard the two sharp, clear notes of a white-crowned sparrow, and as they reached a small brook, stopped for a while to watch little birds diving off the stones to disappear underwater and reemerge with insects in their beaks.

  “There’s so much here,” Mack said. His voice was quiet as he spoke. “And it all depends on these big, beautiful life-givers, the trees. Creatures of all sorts and sizes rely on them. Not just the big ones, like sasquatch. So many birds. There’s juncos, sparrows, pine siskins, crossbills, all eating the seeds. Then there’s the little mammals, like that guy there.”

  Elliot looked in the direction Mack was pointing. A tiny red-furred creature scurried around a massive tree trunk.

  “Red tree vole?” Elliot asked.

  “Good eyes, little buddy. Then there’s the bigger Douglas squirrel, shrews, mice, chipmunks, flying squirrels. They all use the cavities in the old trees for nests. Cut down these trees and . . . you just destroyed their whole world.”

  As they continued, Elliot kept using his eyes to pick out the clues left by forest creatures. It was like reading a book. And Elliot was a champion reader.

  “Deer tracks,” he said. “Maybe a doe and one—no, two—fawns!”

  “Good eyes again,” Mack said, flashing him a thumbs-up. “We might just have to give you a new nickname. What about that there?”

  Elliot studied the parallel scratches on the bark of a tree. He knew what they were! And to his own surprise he wasn’t scared—just excited.

  “Bear clawings, right? It reached up as high as it could to make those.”

  “Yup, marking its territory. If another bear comes along and can’t reach up that high, he’ll figure he’d better leave.”

  “Mr. gәqidәb,” Uchenna said. “Excuse me, but it seems as if you’re not making any silly jokes now. Like you didn’t say it was ‘too much to bear’ or he could ‘bearly reach that high.’”

  Mack smiled. “That’s right, Uchenna—though those are good ones. I’ll have to remember them.” He looked around. “When I’m here in these woods, I don’t feel the need to make jokes. I just want to feel the spirit of everything around us.”

  As they took the trail that led down into the valley, there were places where huge trees had fallen across their path. They had to either crawl under or over them.

  “Poor trees,” Uchenna said, after they clambered over the third one.

  “No,” Raven said. “It’s just that their time came to fall. All sorts of plants and animals and birds are still using them. One day they’ll be part of the soil, feeding other trees. They’re still here in the woods, a part of it all.” She paused. “Like my mom.”

  Mack stopped, looked back at his daughter, and smiled sadly.

  Meanwhile, Uchenna had picked up a dead branch that was shaped like a big drumstick. She tapped it against the trunk of a big dead tree that was still standing, stripped of its bark. It made a hollow thump like a drum.

  BUM BUM BUM

  “How cool is this!?” she exclaimed. She began tapping harder in a complicated rhythm.

  “Uh . . . ,” said Raven.

  DADABUM

  DADABUM

  “Um, Uchenna,” the professor said. “That may not be a good idea.”

  “But, listen,” Uchenna said, knocking out another rhythm. “Dig the acoustics on this!”

 
; DA BUM DA BUM

  DADADADA BUM

  “Yes,” Mack said. “It does echo far. That’s why you should stop.”

  Uchenna stopped and looked up at Mack. “I don’t understand.”

  “That’s how sasquatch send messages to one another. Remember?” Raven reminded her.

  “Right!” said Elliot. “Maybe, if we communicate with them, we can warn them about the danger!”

  Raven shook her head. “Maybe, boyfriend, and maybe not. That rhythm Uchenna was pounding out might just be a message—or it may have been like those bear marks on that tree back there. A challenge!”

  Suddenly, a huge roar, louder than the drumming, shook the forest.

  The leaves on the trees trembled. When the roar died away, the echo lingered.

  Professor Fauna grabbed the stick from Uchenna and pushed himself in front of her. “It sounds like, maybe, it was a challenge,” he whispered.

  For a moment, everything was silent.

  And then, with a crashing of brush and branches, an eight-foot-tall sasquatch stomped out from behind a tree. It had beautiful silken hair, long and brown, and a face like an ape’s. In one swift motion, before anyone could move, it scooped up the professor in one of its enormous furry hands and dangled him upside down from one leg.

  At which point Elliot did the only logical thing he could think to do.

  He screamed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Elliot’s scream was, not surprisingly, louder than usual. It was so piercing that the sasquatch let go of the professor’s leg and clapped its palms over its ears. The professor landed in a pile at the giant’s huge feet, and then he scrambled to get away. But the sasquatch put one big hairy foot on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

  Raven grabbed Elliot and put her hand over his mouth.