by K. C. Wells
Mike sighed. Like he’d expected anything else.
One cup of coffee later and he’d told them everything. Kevin’s face was a picture of misery, and Patrick looked glum.
“So what happens now?” Kevin asked him. “You’re not just gonna walk away, right? I mean, you love him, don’t ya?”
Mike stared at his empty coffee cup. “Yeah, I love him. I just need to figure out what my next move is.”
Patrick grabbed his arm and gaped at him. “I’ll tell you what your next move is. You quit feeling sorry for yourself and drinking like a fish, and you talk to him. You call him, and you keep calling him until he answers the fucking phone!”
Mike lifted his eyebrows at the outburst. “Hey, don’t hold back, Patrick. Say what you feel.” He gave his fellow bartender a wry smile.
Patrick shook his head, scowling. “I’m serious, Mike. That boy loves you. The age difference don’t matter, your porn career don’t matter, but he does. So you’d better fight for him, with everything you’ve got. An’ you don’t quit until you’re certain you’ve done everything you possibly could. Is that clear?”
“Crystal.” Mike rose to his feet, and Patrick copied him. He pulled Mike into a fierce hug and then released him with a huff. Mike patted his cheek. “Thank you.”
Kevin eyed him keenly. “You’re not thinking of driving that truck, are ya?”
Mike shook his head. “I’ll call a cab and come by later to pick it up.” He paused, regarding his two friends. “And I will call him. I promise. As soon as it’s daylight and I know he’s awake.” It was Wednesday but only just, and enough time had passed to ease the severity of Tommy’s emotions—he hoped.
It was Kevin’s turn to give Mike a brief hug. “I hope it works for you two. I really do.” He patted Mike on the butt. “Now go home and get some sleep.” He grinned. “Us working dudes gotta finish up so we can grab some sleep too.”
Mike picked up his jacket from the stool next to him and pulled his phone from his pocket. He scrolled through to find the cab firm he usually used and called to order a taxi. Outside the bar, the early morning air was cool enough to feel refreshing against his slightly aching head. He stood at the curb, watching the steady passage of cars and trucks past the bar, even at this early hour. Sleep had been elusive the last few nights, and Mike was hoping to crash for a while at least.
Then it would be time to call Tommy and see if they could sort out this mess.
TOMMY PEERED into the cabinets, but there was no sign of any hot chocolate. There wasn’t much in them at all, actually. Ben tended to grab food from the family kitchen if he was hungry, but Tommy kept a supply of energy bars downstairs for between meals. He knew he was welcome in the family kitchen, but raiding those cabinets felt like too much of an intrusion. Except this was his third night of not sleeping so good, and he had the idea that hot chocolate might help. Nothing to do but to go upstairs. Ben was home for once. Tommy’d had the notion that his roomie might have made the most of spring break, but Ben had seemed reluctant to go out to his usual clubs.
He crept upstairs as quietly as he could, given that it was past one in the morning, and into the darkened kitchen. The light above the range hood was plenty enough for his purposes. Tommy reached into the cabinet to take out the container of hot chocolate. He figured heating milk on the stove was quieter than using the microwave. He leaned against the countertop, waiting for the milk to reach its temperature.
Is it too much to ask for a few hours of interrupted sleep? Apparently so. Tommy had stopped looking in the bathroom mirror when the dark smudges under his eyes grew darker still.
“Can’t sleep, sweetheart?”
He gave a start when Caroline’s quiet voice broke through his reflections. She stood in the doorway, dressed in her satin pajamas and robe pulled tight around her slim waist.
Tommy shook his head. “Thought this might help. Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”
She walked over to him and put her arm around his waist. Caroline’s head only reached his shoulder. “You didn’t wake me, hon.” She peered into the pan. “If I add some more milk, could you make me a cup too? Seems like we both had the same idea.”
“Sure.” Tommy crossed the room to the huge refrigerator and got out the milk while she spooned hot chocolate into another cup.
She came to stand at his side, leaning against him. “You haven’t said a word to me since Sunday. In fact, I’ve hardly seen you.” He could hear the quiet reproach in her voice.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “But to tell the truth, I’ve hardly spoken with Ben either. Just wasn’t in the mood, I guess.” He switched off the stove and poured hot milk onto the brown powder, stirring as he did so. When he was done, he handed her a cup and then rinsed the saucepan under the faucet.
“Wanna talk about it now?” Caroline sat at the table, her eyes focused on him. “You never know. It might help sort out your thinking.”
Tommy joined her and sagged into the chair. “That’s just it. I don’t know what to think. This business has me turned inside out.” At least the numbness had passed, only to be replaced by brief flashes of rage when he thought about how Mike had kept hidden such a huge part of his life. When the rage had dissipated, all that remained was doubt.
Is it me? Did I bring this on myself? He’d thought of little else the last few days.
“I can understand that finding out Mike is a porn star might upset you,” Caroline began.
“Ya think?” Tommy shook his head. “Ever since I was old enough to listen, my parents spoke of the evils of the world, an’ porn was right up there at the top of the list. An’ I listened but good. You prob’ly think it’s strange to find a guy who’s nearly twenty who’s never watched a minute of porn in his entire life, up until Ben showed me… well, never mind what he showed me.”
Caroline covered his larger hand with her more dainty one. “Not strange, sugar, refreshing. There’s too little innocence out there these days. I’m just sorry you had to lose yours like that.”
“Well, it’s over now,” Tommy said with a heavy heart. His tears had passed. It had taken until that morning for him to realize what he was feeling was grief. He was mourning the loss of Mike from his life, because he couldn’t see a way back for them, not after this.
He sipped his hot chocolate, wincing when it burned his tongue. It took a moment or two to register that the quality of the silence had altered. He glanced across at Caroline, to find her staring at him with a mixture of sympathy and incredulity.
“What is it?” he asked her.
She gazed at him steadily and then sighed. “Sweetheart, you have to talk to Mike.”
Tommy had never been so still. “Why?” he whispered. “Give me one good reason why I should ever speak to him again.”
Her eyes were kind. “Because you need closure, honey.”
The tears he’d sworn were finished caught on his lashes. “Uh-uh.”
She nodded. “Trust me, darlin’, it’s better to hurt a little more at the beginning than to hurt a whole lot more at the end, with no answers.” She stroked his cheek. “Baby, you need answers. You have to talk to him.”
Tommy shivered. “Really?”
Caroline’s eyes sparkled as tears welled up. “Oh, Tommy, I know right now it’s the last thing you want to think of, but I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been around a lot longer than you. Has he tried calling you?”
Tommy nodded. “An’ texts. It got to the point where I just switched off my phone.”
Her fingers laced with his. “Then turn it back on and wait for him to call again. Only this time, answer it.” Those fingers tightened. “Besides, you can’t just switch off your feelings like that. And you do have feelings for Mike. That much is obvious.” She tilted her head. “You wanna know something? Right up until the point where I found out he’d lied to you? I liked that man.” She held up her hands. “Okay, I admit when I first saw him I was a tad worried about his age. But then I got to know
him a little over lunch. More importantly, I watched the two of you.”
Tommy swallowed. “And?”
Caroline’s expression was warm. “I liked the way he was with you, the way he looked at you. This is why you need to talk to him. I don’t care how this started out between you two, whether it was just sex, whatever…. That man cares deeply for you.”
Pain surged through him, sharp and acute. “An’ yet he wasn’t truthful with me.” He knew she was right, of course. He needed to hear what Mike had to say, but the thought of seeing him, being close to him…. Whichever way he looked at it, that conversation was going to hurt plenty.
“Go back to bed, Tommy, and try to get some sleep.” Caroline stroked his hair. “Things always have a way of looking better in the light of day.” She rose to her feet and held her arms wide. Tommy didn’t hesitate. He stepped into them and was enveloped in a tight hug. “Lord, but you’re big,” she said with a chuckle. “I can barely get my arms around you.”
Tommy smiled in spite of his sore heart. “Thank you for listening.”
Caroline craned her neck to look him in the eye. “You’re welcome, sugar. Anytime.” She gently patted his cheek. “Now get.” She grinned. “And thank you for the hot chocolate.”
He nodded, and she released him. Tommy made his way through the quiet house to the staircase that led to the basement. Once he was on the couch, curled up under his blankets, the lamp extinguished and the apartment in darkness, he went over Caroline’s words in his head.
Tommy didn’t have a clue what he was going to say to Mike when they eventually got to talking. It would have been easier if his emotions weren’t so tangled up. Betrayal, hurt, anguish…. He’d spent a couple of days at the mercy of one strong emotion or another, until he was exhausted. But what hurt most was the knowledge that he’d lost the man he loved, his first lover—the man he hoped would be his first and last.
Chapter Twenty-Six
MIKE PARKED the truck, switched off the engine, and took a long, deep breath as he stared at the Wellington family home. His stomach churned, and his hands were clammy.
Mike had never been this scared in his entire life.
He’d slept like the dead for about eight hours, which was probably the result of too much alcohol and not enough sleep for a few nights. After a hot shower, lots of coffee, and toast, he was feeling more human again. Nervous but human. And sick ’n’ tired of doing nothing but wait. So there was only one thing left to do.
He got out of the truck and approached the front door, wiping his palms on his jeans. He’d parked behind Tommy’s truck, so there was a good chance of finding him there. At least Mike hoped he was, now that he’d finally found the nerve to get up off his ass and do something. He took one last lung-filling breath and rang the doorbell.
A moment later the door opened and Caroline stood there, looking unsurprised to see him. “I thought you might be along at some point. Come on in.” She stepped to one side to allow him entrance. “Tommy’s in the kitchen. We’ve just finished lunch. Have you eaten?”
“I had some toast this morning. About all I could manage, but then I’ve not had much of an appetite lately.”
Caroline turned to lead the way into the kitchen, but Mike stopped her with a hand to her arm.
“I know you probably don’t want me to be here, but—”
“Tommy needs to talk to you, so it doesn’t matter if I want you here or not,” she said quickly, pulling away. “But I will say this. That boy is hurting, so don’t you come here with any ideas about assuaging your own feelings of guilt. You have to do what you can to ease his pain. You got me?”
Fuck. “And what makes you think Tommy’s the only one in pain right now?” he blurted out.
Caroline gazed at him, and Mike could’ve sworn he saw a flash of sympathy in her eyes.
“Yeah, I thought as much. So why don’t you take Tommy downstairs where you can talk without being disturbed? Ben’s gone into Atlanta.”
Mike gave her a grateful nod. “Thank you.”
She dipped her chin once and then went along the hall into the kitchen. He could hear the soft murmuring of voices, and for a few seconds panic raced through him. Suppose Tommy doesn’t want to see me after all? Suppose—
“Hey.”
Tommy was there, in the hallway, his face pale, eyes dull, hands shoved into his jeans pockets. The sight of him knifed into Mike, stealing his breath and making his heart quake.
“Hi.” Now that he was standing there with Tommy, his resolve decided to take a hike. “Thanks for seeing me.”
Tommy gestured with a flick of his head. “Let’s go where we can talk, okay?” He opened a door. “After you.”
Mike filed past him, conscious of the smell of freshly washed hair and Tommy’s familiar scent. At the foot of the stairs he pushed open a door and found himself in an apartment. He could see a living room area, a little kitchen on one side, and a couple of doors leading off from the main floor. He recognized the couch instantly, and the memory of that night hit him forcibly. Was that only just over a week ago? He walked over there and waited for Tommy to join him.
“Do you want somethin’ to drink?” Tommy inquired.
“Some water would be good.” Mike was suddenly aware of his dry mouth. He sat down while Tommy fetched two glasses of water. He handed one to Mike and then sat at the other end of the couch, his back rigid. Mike found himself mimicking Tommy’s posture. The silence that fell between them was almost tangible.
Well, one of us had better break the ice.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Mike?”
Tommy stared at him, and fuck, the pain in those green eyes cut Mike to the bone.
Mike took a drink of cool water and placed his glass on the coffee table in front of him. “I was going to tell you this week,” he began, keeping his voice low.
Tommy said nothing, but those eyes never left Mike.
“Look, I put off telling you because I’ve had relationships in the past where as soon as they found out about the porn, they were outta there.”
Tommy’s eyes widened. “An’ right now, I don’t blame ’em.” He winced. “Porn? Mike, have you any idea how that makes me feel? You… you have sex with guys for a living?”
All Mike could do was nod.
Tommy pressed his lips together, his gaze locked on Mike. “How long? Just how long have you been doin’ this? An’ how in the world did you get into this in the first place? ’Cause it’s not exactly a career choice that’s discussed at high school, is it?” His chest heaved, and his breathing quickened.
“Remember I told you I worked at Backstreet?” Tommy nodded, and Mike pushed on. “I was twenty-three. Well, one night this guy starts hitting on me. He was gorgeous, cute, sexy, and I was flattered because I’d seen him in porn movies. I couldn’t believe he was even talking to me. He sat in front of me all night, chatting away, flirting like crazy. Suddenly there’s this guy next to him—turns out he was a director for a porn studio—and he’s asking me if I wanna do porn. Just like that.”
Tommy nodded. “Go on.”
“I was saving up for a house, so the offer came at a really good time.”
Tommy stared at him. “That was it? You just said yes?”
Mike sighed. “I was twenty-three. I enjoyed having sex. I figured, why not get paid for doing something I loved?” He gave a shrug. “Then I started getting popular. Before long I had an endless supply of shoots and was able to buy this house.”
“I’m guessin’ you still love doin’ it, judgin’ from what I saw on the Internet.” Tommy shifted on the couch, gazing at the glass in his hand.
It took a moment for Tommy’s words to register. “Wait—what?”
Tommy swallowed hard. “It was bad enough when I found out about the… the porn. But watchin’ you on-screen, that was….” He shuddered.
“What? Tell me what you were thinking.”
Tommy took a moment before responding. “I… I thought what we had
was special. Somethin’ that only we shared.” He breathed deeply. “I close my eyes sometimes, an’ I can picture you in my mind, the way you look at me when… when you’re inside me. I can hear the sounds you make, the noises that tell me how much you’re lovin’ it….” Tommy closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them to look straight at Mike, his cheeks pink. “So imagine how I felt when I saw you… makin’ love to someone else, that same look on your face, those same noises, the way you were touchin’ him.” He shook his head. “It was like a kick to my guts.”
Oh Christ. Mike felt the blood drain from his face. “Baby, what we have is special. Why’d you think I’ve waited so long before telling you? I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking out of my life.” He left his seat on the couch and knelt on the floor in front of Tommy. He wanted so badly to touch him, but it felt as if to do so might be a step too far for Tommy right then. “Tommy, why do you think I’m here? I don’t want to lose you. I… I love you.”
Tommy froze, his eyes locked on Mike. “You love me? A week ago, I’d have been dancin’ on the ceilin’ to hear those words, but now? Mike, you were makin’ love with another guy. Hundreds of guys, for all I know.”
“But that’s not real.” Mike leaned forward, itching to reach out and place his hand on Tommy’s knee.
“I saw it!” Tommy yelled. “There, on the screen.” He lunged to his feet, fists clenched, and began pacing around the couch. “So don’t you tell me it wasn’t real. I saw how you looked at him! Like bein’ inside him felt so damn good. It could’ve been me lying underneath you, me whose ass you were slidin’ into—that’s how real it was!” His eyes flashed. “An’ how do I know what you’re doin’ in the week when we don’t see each other? For all I know, you spend every night in a diff’rent guy’s bed.” He stopped pacing and stood at the back of the couch, his fingers digging into the seat cushion, staring wide-eyed at Mike. “How do I know anything anymore? I just found out you’ve been lyin’ to me ever since we’ve been—”
“Listen to me, baby.”
