About Time

by Danielle Torella

  “Mornin’ Sunshine!” I sit up too fast and my head throbs. I am greeted with an extended hand holding a coffee cup. “Don’t worry, it’s tea, I know you like the stuff. I have coffee in mine.” I finally see that it’s Fancy. I look around and I am speechless. “Little lost?” She asks with a laugh.

  “Um, a little. How did I get here?” I ask. I don’t remember the car ride from the pub. Did I pass out and he didn’t know where to take me. Oh my God I remember hitting on him now! And he didn’t want me to go to his place. That stings.

  She joins me on the light yellow sofa that I just realized I had slept on. “Well, Coach D brought you here at about one in the morning. I was up with Cass watching a movie and when I answered the door, he had you in his arms and you were out cold. So, I made up the couch and he tucked you in.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry that I messed up your night… Who is Cass?” I feel embarrassed.

  “Oh, Cass is my daughter,” She informs me. I sit up more and I take the tea and take a few sips.

  “Thank you for taking me in … I didn’t mean to get that trashed and that fast and I sure as heck didn’t expect to be brought here.” I shake my head and rub my eyes.

  She takes in her coffee and she sighs with contentment. “It’s no problem my dear, he said you had a rough night and you didn’t want to go home in your condition. That you didn’t want to see your roommate last night. Is everything alright?” She has genuine concern. I definitely need a friend like Fancy.

  “It’s just a bad time right now. It will pass, I am just stressed.”

  “Wanna talk about it?” Her soft southern accent is so comforting. If a voice could be a security blanket, it would be hers. But where would I even start? I can’t even handle it myself apparently without getting plastered. My chest starts to pound and I can feel the heat in my face increase. She sees it obviously, she is an intuitive person. “Something is wrong Hun, you can talk to me.”

  “Thank you, but I think I should be getting out of your hair.” I stand up and she watches me look for my shoes, which have been removed and my purse. I’m without a car once again. “Um… Where am I?”

  She stands and walks over to me, she has a smile on her face. “You’re at my house.” She knows she is playing a game.

  “I know that, but where is that exactly?”

  She crosses her arms over her chest, “How about some breakfast and then I will tell you?”

  I sigh. I know arguing with her would just be a waste of energy and I don’t think my hangover could handle the back and forth. “Alright, but I want to help make it.” I wink at her and follow her into her kitchen.

  When I have finished eating and helped Fancy clean up, she finally tells me that my car is out front and that I’m actually only a five minute drive from my place. I am happy to know that she lives so close to me. One of the things we talked about over breakfast was how some of the girls on the team lived far apart and a couple actually drive in from nearly an hour away for practice. She also tells me what I need to bring to boot camp this weekend. Which reminds me that I have to face Justin for my strength training on Thursday yet…

  I like Justin, I just wish he would accept that I can’t be anything but friends with him. I mean yes he is a great guy and easy on the eyes, but I just don’t want him in the sense that he wants me. It’s bad enough that I have sent him mixed signals. Even with Derrek, but my whole body and heart aches when I am near him.

  Feeling an abundance of sadness now, just thinking that we could never be is a bit too much and I make up an excuse to get out of Fancy’s house and back to my reality: A crappy best friend slash roommate and an even crappier boyfriend, who I can’t escape.

  When I get back home I find Josh’s car in the lot. My stomach squeezes, I don’t want to do this right now. He never comes over unless he is really mad. I park and I pull out my phone, did he try calling me or something? Sure enough three missed calls and four texts. Maddy is home, so maybe that will soften the punishment. Who knew I would for once be happy that she was home?

  I also find a text from Derrek:

  Honey Bee,

  I’m sorry to have dropped you off and leave you, but you were too drunk to go back to your place and I didn’t think it would be right to bring you home with me. I hope you understand. Also, if Fancy didn’t take care of you let me know and I will make sure she does an extra hour at practice ;)

  Text or call me when you get home safe.

  -Derrek

  I will text him after I get this done and over with. I make my way upstairs and unlock the front door. Maddy and Josh are sitting at the small kitchen table talking. He doesn’t stand when I approach them, but he commands Maddy to leave. She doesn’t fight or say anything snide to him, but just leaves. When she heads for her room he speaks again, “Did I stutter? I said to leave, not just the room. Out.” He demands her. She nods her head and I find it very odd that she is doing what he says, especially without protest, but what I do notice is that she is wearing the same white dress that I had borrowed from her and she has a large belt on with it. I start to think back to what Josh had asked me about the dress when I wore it.

  As soon as she closes the door behind her, without even a hello or good bye to me, he stands up finally. I keep my footing and just wait for the mouth. He stays quiet for a moment and comes in close to me. “So who were you out fucking?”

  I close my eyes, “No one,” I breathe out. “I have never cheated on you Josh.” We have the same argument anytime I don’t reply fast enough and with this being the second time I haven’t been home to sleep, well I am sure it’s going to be bad. I just need to clench my teeth and take it.

  “Bull shit, I know you were out all night. So who is he? Do I need to remind you of what I am capable of doing? You know it has been some time since you have made me need to threaten this.” I swallow hard, because I didn’t expect it to come up today, even though I should have. I have been provoking him all week.

  “I do. And I won’t let it happen again, just don’t call her. Please.” I do my best to not cry. If it were six month ago and not just a few weeks away from the hardest days of my existence, it wouldn’t be as difficult. Typically I do behave to not drudge up the past and his threats.

  He brings his hand to my face and I flinch a little, this reaction causes him to laugh and find joy. Dragging his finger along my cheek he asks me, “Does Maddy know anything about it yet?”

  My eyes go wide, “No and I don’t want her too, you know that.” I feel a burst of panic hit me like a cannon being shot at my chest.

  “Then tell me where you were.” He says each word slowly and precisely.

  In a soft voice, not to set him off, “I was at a girlfriend’s house. We were watching movies and I fell asleep on her couch.” It was partly true, but I knew if it ever came down to it Fancy would stick up for me.

  “Who’s this friend?”

  I have to think hard what Fancy’s real name was, “Christy. I met her at the library.”

  Lie.

  He seems pleased with the answer for now, but I know what is coming next and I can’t do it. I can’t let him touch me right now. I don’t want to be his. I want my body to be mine for once in my life. He runs a finger from my jaw, down the center of my chest bone and my torso.

  “I have my period,” I quickly slip out. I don’t but anything to make him stop and that does. His hand stops immediately and they drop to his sides.

  “Of course you do.” He closes his eyes and fake laughs, “Well, you do have other avenues…” His eyes shooting daggers into mine. I know what he wants and I hate doing it too. He is too forceful. But I know he has their contact information and I can’t let him tell her. So, I just go with it. I have to.

  I drop to my knees before the man who knows and holds my deepest secret and he has the power to not only kill me inside more than he already has, but to ruin the lives of others, who don’t deserve it. I smash my eyelids together trapping in the tears that co
me flooding. The memories, the pain and loss that I had to suffer. I lick my dry lips with an even drier tongue, because nothing about this is right. Not one damn fucking thing. But what can I do? I refuse to be responsible for ruining a perfect family’s life.

  I don’t even need to look to know that he has already pulled himself out of his pants. He doesn’t bother to remove them, because as soon as he is done with me and my mouth, he will zip up and take off. I try to go to my happy place. My spot on the beach, but when I try to go there I am taken somewhere else. I see the dock with the bench and a figure sitting there with their hand outstretched reaching for me. When I make my way there I see Derrek.

  I forget what I am doing and just go with the motion. It doesn’t take long before he is coming in my mouth and I nearly gag at the taste and texture. I quickly get up and rush to the bathroom and I hurl into the toilet. I hold on for dear life as I empty my stomach and the dry heaves set in. I hear the front door shut and I sink to the floor, relieved that he is gone and I can finally cry.

  Wednesday goes by. I turned off my phone after what happened with Josh. I called Joe and told him I had the flu. I gave Mrs. Brown the same story and I felt bad for doing that to her especially. I just can’t face the world right now. It’s late Wednesday night and I have been in my bed reading and drinking tea. I hate the world I live in, so I may as well immerse myself in a better one, in a book.

  Maddy doesn’t even bother to check on me. I hear her come and go and she just got back in and of course she has a guy with her. I decide to finally turn on my phone so I can pop in my headphone and drown their noises out. The screen lights up and I have texts from Justin and Derrek. I dismiss them and turn on my old music.

  A while later I hear the ding of my message alert and I glance down to see a text from Justin, he is asking me if we are still on for tomorrow mornings session. I pick up my phone and start to reply.

  Margot: Flu, sorry.

  A moment later he comes back with.

  Justin: Anything I can do for you? I know things ended weird the other night and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to complicate anything or make you uncomfortable. You know that right?

  Margot: I do and it’s OK. Don’t worry about it. And no thanks I am good. Just resting and getting better.

  Justin: Will you be at boot camp this weekend?

  Right the tryouts. I take in a deep breath and chew on my lip.

  Margot: I will try to get better before then.

  Justin: Alright, well if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask. Friend’s right?

  Margot: Friends.

  I feel like crap. I know he wants more, but at least he is willing to try and be friends. I am a horrible excuse for a friend, I couldn’t even make mine and Maddy’s friendship last and God knows I’m not friends with my own boyfriend, not that I would want to.

  Starting to feel moody, I need a music change. This lovey-dovey shit is getting to me. I need something to fit more of how I am feeling. I need something harder. I scroll through my phone and click on a band I found as a “If you like... then you’ll like…” I crank it up and I start to bob my head as I read my book. My head bobbing starts to get a little more active and I toss down my phone and pull out my headphones from the jack and let it blare. I stand on top of my bed and I start thrashing about. This feels good to just move angrily and get it, whatever it is out.

  I hear a pound on my door and then Maddy’s voice, “Do you mind turning that shit down?” She yells.

  I stop thrashing and hop down. I pick up my phone about to do what she asked, then I decide not to. I look at the screen and I turn it to full max volume. She tries to open the door, but I have it locked. She bangs again and again. She doesn’t let up so I turn it completely off and march to the door. I swing it open and I startle her to the point where she falls back a couple of steps.

  I look her dead in the eye, “Now you know how I feel when I hear your headboard hitting the fucking wall as you fuck the whole North Caroline sea land.”

  Her jaw drops, I smile and close my door and crank it back up.

  Thursday morning.

  I am still up. I never went to bed last night. I got too into yet another book and I couldn’t put it down, that and my thoughts where racing. I look at the time and it’s just about six in the morning. Do I go to the gym to meet Justin? I don’t think I am ready to face anyone today either. I remember the stretches and routine he showed me on Monday maybe that will be good enough. Although I was kind of looking forward to him teaching me how to defend myself.

  I close my eyes and tell myself that it’s okay to do something new. It’s okay to try and trust someone or anyone new. They aren’t all like Josh or Maddy or the horrible foster kids. I raise my arms as I lay on my back and throw them down to my sides, hitting the bed. “Fine!” I argue with myself. I pick up my phone and let him know that I will be there.

  Walking into the gym I see blondie behind the juice bar, she rolls her eyes at me and turns around to work. I shake my head in disbelief in how some woman act. I have my hair pulled up into a pony tail, wearing a white tank top and shorts. I stand and wait for a few minutes waiting for Justin to come get me. I wonder if he forgot or assumed I wouldn’t be here, because I told him I wasn’t feeling well, but I texted him... I hear my name being questioned and I pop up my head coming from the large entry way.

  “Margot?” I see a tall nice looking guy coming at me. I have no clue who he is or how he knows me. He is at least six-three and has pitch black hair and a good covering of a beard on his strong face. His eyes are dark brown and he is wearing a black tank with dark gray sweat-shorts. He is very muscular and easy on the eyes.

  “Uh, yeah that’s me…” I stutter with my words, unsure of what to expect. I feel my cheeks go hot and I am certain that I am red. I’m still not used to good looking guys talking to me.

  He smiles a megawatt smile with full teeth. My lord he is beautiful. I take his outstretched hand, “Hey I’m Dax, Justin couldn’t make it in this morning and he asked me to keep an eye out for you. I’m another trainer here and also I coordinate and instruct the women’s self-defense class, he told me you were interested in learning some techniques?”

  I bet there are women lining up at the door to take that class with him. He reminds me of a Viking and that’s kind of hot. Why isn’t Justin here though? Was the other night too much for him to even bother with me any further? I could understand why, I’m a whole tarmac full of baggage.

  “Margot?” He asks me, making me flinch. His voice is deep and it stunned me out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah, sorry not fully awake yet,” I lie.

  He laughs and waves me on to follow him.

  A couple hours later I have been stretched, squatted, planked and a million other things done to me. But what I value the most if the self-defense lesson I got. Did you know you can get a guy down pretty easy and then use your thumbs to push in his eye balls? Yeah I never would have thought about that. He offered me another shake today, but I told him I had to be at work.

  Dax is a pretty fun guy, he had me laughing and forgetting some of my stress. He had me visualize who I hate the most and beat the crap out of the punching bag. He told me about the place he had just gotten with his boyfriend and I was stunned to find out that he was gay. All I can say is that there must be a lot of disappointed women in this gym.

  He offered some more training and I told him I would need to look at my schedule, but it is something I would greatly consider once I have the money.

  I use the day to get my mouth guard and water bottle that I would need for boot camp on Saturday. I find myself wandering into a skate shop too. I walk in and I’m greeted with wall to wall, skateboards, rollerblades, skates, helmets and you name it they had it, if it has to deal with anything skate. A girl with a black pixie cut and full tattoo sleeves greets me, “Hi! Welcome, is there anything I can help you find?”

  “Hi, um… I am looking for a mouth guard…” I don’t know what I
am doing in here, I am feeling a little embarrassed.

  “Cool, we have a bunch of different ones over here…” I follow as she points in the direction to follow her. “What do you need it for?”

  I look down and laugh lightly, how do you tell someone who looks like yourself a girl who is as plain as they come that she is trying out roller derby? “Uh, I’m trying out roller derby…” Just like that I suppose. I rub my face in disbelief, I guess I never really let that sink in until just now. With Fancy and Justin kind of shoving boot camp down my throat I never really had time to absorb the realization of it.

  “Wicked!” She high fives me, “Love derby!”

  “Do you play?” I ask, hoping to get some insight.

  She gives me a sideways grin and sighs loudly, “Unfortunately no. I used to though! I go to a lot of the bouts, I am a full supporter. Here…” She hands me a packaged mouth guard, “This kind is the bomb, it’s a little thinner, but it does its job, without killing your mouth.”

  I take the package and look it over and nod. I don’t know what to say really, so I just go to the counter to buy the guard. I am pulling out my wallet and she asks me, “Have you met the coach for the NC Hammers?”

  I adjust my bag and keep my eyes down, “Yeah, I know him.” I definitely know Derrek, obviously.

  She laughs, “Yeah I am sure you do. A lot of women know Man-Up Derrek Mann…”

  My eyes shoot up, “What do you mean?”

  She leans on one hand on the glass counter where the register resides. She lowers her head, looks through heavily lined eyelids and lashes and smirks, “Aren’t you one of his many conquests? I was a while ago, but man what I wouldn’t do to have another round with him.”

  I give a questioning look, “Do you mean sex?” It just plops out of my mouth without a second thought.