Silent Sins: A Lotus House Novel: Book Five

by Audrey Carlan

  “You’ll stop talking about moving?” He tightens his fingers at my scalp.

  I inhale and then form my response so he knows I’m serious. “No more. That’s it. I’m fully living with my boyfriend.” I’m incapable of holding back the smile saying that to him brings.

  He turns his face to the ceiling, arching his body closer to mine so more of him is pressed against me. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Fuckin’ A. I thought you’d never quit talking about it. How’s about you consider buying something else?”

  The suggestion weaves through our plastered bodies, and I nudge back to search his eyes. “Like what?”

  He shrugs noncommittally. “Whatever floats your boat. You want to start looking at businesses or doing something with your degree, look around. What makes you happiest right now? What gets you excited to get out of bed? What would better you and the lives around you?” He removes his hands from my hair and drags them down my back to squeeze my hips. “When you find that, scoop it up and make it yours. It’s what I did.”

  Nick backs away from my body and physically closes my legs on a groan. “Hate to shut the gate to heaven, but I’ve got a member coming in for private boxing lessons. You good?”

  “Yes.” I smile, truly feeling the effervescent sensation that everything is just and right in my world. “Really good. Roomie.”

  He cups my cheek and kisses me long and hard before pulling away. “I’m glad you’re staying.”

  “Me too,” I say as he makes his way to the door of his office.

  “See you at home?” He winks and grips the handle.

  His excitement and humor make me brave enough to say what I’m thinking. “See you at home, my love.”

  “Love that, Dove. Keep it up.”

  “What?” I clasp both of my cheeks, smiling, and run my fingers through the hair he messed up with his big man paws.

  “Your smile. It could change the world.”

  I close my eyes and let him leave, or I wouldn’t have been able to.

  When he’s gone, I flop very unladylike into the office chair and slowly spin around in circles. The questions he asked are running a track race around my mind.

  What makes you happiest right now?

  Nick makes me happy.

  What gets you excited to get out of bed?

  Nothing. Nick is walking sex on legs.

  When I have to get out of bed, though, working for Nick in the gym gets me moving. Managing his administrative needs, his money, maintaining the work behind the man and what he does here.

  What would better you and the lives around you?

  Now that’s the question I don’t have an answer to. I lift a pencil up and worry it against my bottom lip.

  What would better Nick’s life and therefore my own?

  His happiness is paramount to me. Making him proud, showing him what I can contribute to our shared lives and this new relationship. I want to hold on to him more than anything.

  Maybe I need help?

  * * *

  “So what you’re saying is, you and my brother straight-up shacked up…already.” Grace shoves a hunk of salad into her mouth, dropping bits of nuts and a tomato in the process.

  I close my eyes, not wanting to answer her question but also not wanting to see how horrible she is at eating leafy greens.

  “No. Well…” I start.

  Monet puts her hand on mine where I’m clutching my napkin in a death grip. “Honor, you did just inform us both that you and Nick have decided to share space, as you put it. Am I correct in that statement?” My friend sits back and rubs her very pregnant belly in circles.

  I tap the stem of my wineglass a few times while I get my bearings. “Yes,” I answer flatly.

  “And how is that not shacking up?” Monet smiles widely and takes a sip of her ice water.

  “Told you!” Grace points at me with her fork, no longer dangling food off it, thank God.

  I frown. “I guess it is. Okay, technically, Nick and I have agreed to live with one another. But that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.”

  Grace snorts around her bite of garlic bread. I swear, that girl…

  “Let’s talk about how ecstatic Ma is going to be when she finds out that you’ve moved in with Nicky. This is going to be an epic Sunday dinner! I can’t wait!” Grace shimmies in her chair, bouncing happily through life without a care in the world.

  Crud. I hadn’t thought about the fact that Nick would likely want to tell his family we’ve moved in with one another. Or I should say, I’ve moved into his place. I haven’t even met the whole family yet, only his mother and Grace. Now we’re going to dinner and likely making a big announcement. That’s not very normal when you are first introduced to one’s family. Hi, I’m Honor. I’ve shacked up with your son in a matter of a month of knowing one another.

  I groan and plop my head into my hand, leaning against the white tablecloth. The restaurant is lovely, halfway between the gym, Lotus House, and downtown. The sun is shining, and it’s a wonderful day to be outside. Briefly, I watch the people walking down the street, wondering if they are warring with feelings of inadequacy or if it’s just me.

  Monet clears her throat, bringing my attention back to the two women sitting with me at lunch. She eases to her side and grabs my hand. “Honor, you’ll be fine. You already said Josephine loves you.”

  “Likes me! Nick is the one who said she loves me. I don’t know her well enough one way or the other to make that determination.”

  “Puh-leeze! Ma’s bringing you homemade dinners every couple days. She doesn’t do that for just anyone. Her food is her fortune, and you’re getting it on the regular. You feel me?”

  I roll my eyes, and Grace laughs and points her fork at me again, this time with pasta dangling precariously off it. “Totally loves you. Did she mention grandbabies at any point?”

  “Er…perhaps.”

  Grace’s eyes widen to the size of our salad plates. “She did! Was that on her last visit?” Her tone is bordering on hysterical and excited. Hysterically excited, I presume.

  I think about it for a moment. “No, it was on her first visit. And the second, actually.”

  “Shit! You are so fucked! Mama wants you spittin’ out blondies ASAP!” She snort-laughs this time.

  My head starts throbbing, and I press two fingers to each temple and rub in frantic circles.

  “Grace, you’re freaking the poor girl out. Mama Josephine is just excited. Don’t fret, Honor. It’s good that she likes you. Really good. If she didn’t…” Monet makes a face as if she’s just eaten something disgusting. “Anyhoo, what is it you wanted to discuss with us?”

  I tell the two about Nick’s suggestion about finding out what gets me out of bed and makes me happy, but most importantly, what I thought would better my life and the lives around me.

  “And that’s the problem. I have no idea. I never have. That’s why I’ve floated around from one charity function to another with my mother. I had nothing better to do. No talents or skills outside of being a rich girl who stands on the sidelines and looks pretty at parties.”

  Monet vehemently shakes her head. “Not true. You are a college-educated woman with two degrees. That takes skill and effort. Do not sell yourself short because you haven’t found your calling. There may have been some bumps in the road after you graduated, and you’re feeling uncertain about what’s next, but you have made immense strides in finding the things that bring you joy. Remember that. You’ll find what it is you are meant to do.” She finishes breathily, practically panting, as if it took serious effort to get all of her words out.

  The poor thing. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be pregnant, have a being living inside me. Nick’s baby. Then again, if it was Nick’s child, it would be perfect. Dark skinned, dark hair, light eyes. Full of love and a good life. He’d make it so, and I think he’d teach me along the way.

  Grace finishes her bite and bursts my baby-making bubble, bringing the topic back to the
matter at hand. “But you love working at the gym, right?” Grace asks pointedly.

  I brighten, and a smile spreads across my face at the mere mention of the gym. “Yes, and it’s totally in the black and making a profit. Only it’s a shame that he can’t take on more members and make a far larger profit. So many would benefit from his training, experience, and service.”

  Monet taps at her bottom lip, her coal-black eyes flashing with worry. “Why can’t he add members?”

  “Unfortunately, space in the facility is limited. He’d have to expand, and he definitely doesn’t have the capital for that type of venture or the square footage. It’s not a small gym, but it’s not as big as the regular franchises.”

  “It’s awful how franchises steal all the mom-and-pop business.” Grace groans.

  I can imagine the frustration of coming from a family that has a boutique winery. “And see, that’s the thing. What Nick offers is special, and people aren’t canceling their membership. He’s absolutely closing in on capacity. Soon he’ll be turning people away.” I frown.

  Gracie shrugs. “Well, you have tons of money. Why don’t you buy the building next to his? I heard a rumor that the owner wanted to retire, but the offers weren’t good enough on his building for him to do it. A lot of people don’t have the coin to renovate. They look for buildings that are turnkey.” She pouts and stabs at her lunch.

  A light bulb goes off in my head. “Are you referring to the juice and smoothie bar or the laundromat?”

  “The laundromat.” Grace’s entire face illuminates as her excitement grows. “It’s huge.” She spreads her arms out wide. “And it has another storage building behind it and a loft on top.”

  Interesting. Our apartment shares a wall. “Does the owner plan to stay in the loft?”

  “Not last I heard. Wanted to move to a retirement community up north on a golf course.” She grins. “Old people love to golf, I hear. Not my parents. They love to drink wine, play music too loud, and get all up in their kids’ lives.”

  “Really?” The hamster starts spinning its wheel.

  “Really, my parents are like an octopus with its eight arms when it comes to their kids. Just wait, they’re gonna cling to you and want to know everything about you. Then they are going to tell you how to live your life differently…the way they want.” She laughs.

  I shake my head. “No, I meant the retiree, but now you’ve got me scared of your family again.”

  Monet bumps my shoulder. “Looks like you’ve got some research ahead of you. Exciting proposition, perhaps.”

  “Yes, yes I do. Grace, do you think you could introduce me to the owner?”

  “Sure. I’ve met him a bazillion times. Done laundry at his place for Nick when he has the loaner towels to wash.”

  Now that the idea has taken wing, a niggle of anticipation prods me like a little devil with a pitchfork. What if I paid to expand the gym and the apartment? It could be my contribution to what he’s already built, expanding our lives together. I could run the business easy enough when it’s double the size. Nick would make a mint, and we could have a much larger home, including a whirlpool tub for his aching muscles, a walk-in shower, more bedrooms. A reading room with a library full of books. The options are endless.

  If it works out, it will have to be a surprise. Something I do all on my own so Nick knows I’m not a loser—that I’m capable of much more than he’s seen of me in the past. I also have to do it for me. To prove to myself I’m not worthless. Just because my brother took his life doesn’t mean I have to give up everything in mine.

  I may have been Hannon’s twin, but we’re not the same. He didn’t fight our parents when they threatened to end Sean’s career, have him fired from the hospital he loves, because they are donors and on the hospital’s board of directors.

  He gave up.

  They broke him and have spent years trying to break me. No more. I’m going to make this decision for myself, for my love, and for my future.

  I can’t wait to get to work.

  * * *

  Nick opens the door of a bar named Harmony Jack’s and gestures for me to enter. Behind us are his friends Atlas and Silas, as well as Amber and Dash. At first I felt weird seeing Amber outside of the hospital, but she hasn’t brought up what occurred a few weeks ago, and neither have I. Her doing that for me added a level of trust toward Nick’s friends that I’ll hold close to my chest. The people he shared his time with were incredible. All of them. Unfortunately, Monet, whom I’ve come to consider a close friend, was exhausted after the launch-party dinner we attended for a new album Atlas and Silas put together. They’d nabbed some local talent, and the album Atlas wrote and the kid sang was hitting charts across the States.

  The entire party had been exciting and stressful at the same time. Nick was amazing, though. He didn’t leave my side all evening and made a point to include me in conversations with all his friends. Now, we’re hitting what he calls the chill-time-after-the-party party at his favorite bar.

  I’m not a big bar frequenter, but as far as places to imbibe, this place has a cool, hip vibe. Blue lights flash across a stage where a male and a female are singing a rock version of Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe.” Across from the stage are several pool tables and some sort of long table with rolling discs on it. I’ll have to ask Nick what game it is.

  The group heads over to a section of tables that have a reserved card on them. A petite woman with short spiked purple hair and a curvy body approaches and hugs Atlas. “Where’s that sexy wife of yours? Don’t tell me you left her at home where I can’t drool all over her?” She pouts prettily.

  Atlas tips his head back and laughs, hugging the woman again. “She’s taking care of Aria Monet, my even smaller fiery Latina.”

  “How old is that sweet thing now?”

  “Pushing eighteen months. Getting into all kinds of trouble…just like her mama.”

  The woman smacks his bicep like an old friend. “It’s good to see you, man. You gonna play?”

  His eyes flash to Nick’s and then mine. A strange foreboding falls over me momentarily.

  “Nah, not tonight. Just going to enjoy the music and check out new talent.”

  “Cool.” The pixie-like woman shakes hands with Dash and Silas, hugs Amber, and then turns to Nick and me. “How’s it hanging, tough guy?” She puts up her hands and pretends to make some jabs at Nick’s muscles.

  He battles her hands for a moment. “Long, thick, and a little to the right. Maybe you should ask my girlfriend that question.”

  Her eyes widen, and she smirks. “Girlfriend, eh? That’s a first.” She smiles widely and genuinely when she extends her hand toward me. “Jacqueline. I own this bar, but my friends use just Jack.”

  I offer my hand. “Good to meet you, Just Jack.”

  She shakes my hand and pulls me in for a hug. “Quick, this one. Smart and looks like a fuckin’ angel. How’d you score something so sweet?” She’s speaking to Nick, but her gaze is roving up and down my form. I’m pretty sure she’s checking out more than my outfit.

  I shimmy from one foot to the next in my pencil skirt and silk white blouse. Nick thought I looked like a naughty librarian, so I put my hair up in a loose bun to aid in his fantasy. He liked the look so much he bent me over one of his gym benches and fucked the daylights out of me before we ever even made it out of the building. At the end of our lovemaking, he reddened my ass with a series of spankings so hard I’d have no choice but be reminded whose body my ass belonged to. I’ve been twitching with the memory all night, readying for round two back at home. The alcohol in my system from the party, the flickering lights above, and this woman’s suggestive comments are not helping the need flooding inside me.

  Nick loops an arm around my waist and tugs me to his side. “Hands off. Get your own angel. This one’s mine to dirty up with all the devilish things I can think of. Aren’t you, Dove?”

  Thank God the lights are flashing in a dark room, or my cheek
s would be shining cherry red for all to see. I nod and sidle up to his chest.

  The conversation changes quickly and drinks are ordered. I sip on a whiskey and 7UP, my new favorite drink in the entire world, and sway to the music. Until all of a sudden, I’m being led by Nick, the lights around me flashing, the music thundering inside my heart. Nick walks me up a set of stairs to a DJ’s booth.

  “What do you want to sing, Dove?” Nick gestures to an iPad that has songs listed from a prerecorded track of songs.

  “What is this? What are you talking about?” I ask, not sure what’s going on.

  “Karaoke. You’re gonna use that songbird voice of yours and show these people the God-given gift you have. Spread your wings, baby. Try something new.” He beams.

  As the mention of what he just said takes hold of my liquor-infused brain, the floor falls out beneath my feet.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Saddle Dive–Variation of Airplane Pose (Sanskrit: Dekasana)

  Aerial yoga participants often feel like they are defying gravity as so many of the asanas are done above the ground. This pose in particular gives the yogi the feeling of taking flight. It’s an intense shoulder and upper body stretch. This position will help teach balance and work your core. Beginning yogis start with the silks stretched out across the abdomen, hips, and some of the quads until their body is ready for a more intense stretch.

  HONOR

  “Baby, it’s not a big deal. You’ve got the pipes. Just close your eyes and pretend like you’re singing in the shower,” Nick offers what I feel is rather terrible advice.

  Something inside me snaps. I can feel my nostrils flaring as I size up my boyfriend. How could he do this to me without asking? Drag me up on stage as if singing in front of a crowd is not a huge, momentous occasion. I hope he can feel the heat from the laser beams I’m shooting him. His lip curls, and his sex-laced pucker forms across his lips. With one of his hands, he cups his package suggestively.