Silent Sins: A Lotus House Novel: Book Five

by Audrey Carlan

  Honor is a wreck of nerves as I lead her up the steps toward my family home. “Relax, Dove. They’re all going to love you. Gracie and Ma already do. The rest is a formality, just trust me.” I curve an arm around her waist so we’re walking together in matched stride.

  She knots her fingers together and then presses a wild lock of loose hair behind her ear. “It’s not that I don’t think they’ll like me.”

  I stop at the crest of the staircase and turn toward her. “Then what is it?”

  She looks down at her sandals and plucks at her flowy dress. The fabric has bursts of brightly colored flowers in a variety of pale pinks, greens, and blues. Her skin positively glows against the backdrop. Two tiny strips tie at each shoulder, leaving her arms bare. Since her stint in the hospital, my girl hasn’t so much as scratched her skin, and though I liked the henna she used to decorate her arms with, her scars are out in the open and barely visible. I’ve taught her that it’s an opportunity to either open herself up to that person about her past choices and share who she was and how far she has come or to change the subject. The choice is always hers.

  I run my fingers over her scarred arms like I have many times in the past weeks. I’ve done it so often, she doesn’t even blink at my touch, but for me, it’s a reminder that she’s alive, she’s here, and she’s mine to protect and keep safe.

  The chain from my dog tags catches the light and sparkles against her skin. The beads of the necklace are visible, but the tags are properly hidden between her breasts. Every time I take a gander and see my tags nestled between her billowy goodness, a contented sigh comes out of me. I can’t help it. It’s the alpha dog in me howling with approval.

  “I’m worried that they are going to think things are moving too fast, and in normal circumstances…”

  I shake my head and place both hands on her shoulders, grounding her to this moment. “None of that. I’ve told you before. My mother and father had one date. A month later, they were married. Three months after that, they were pregnant with me. Babe, this family does fast. You know what they say…never let a day go by. Get it? Dago?”

  She titters behind her hand. “Not nice. You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

  And there’s her sense of humor. Finally!

  I hook my arm over her shoulder and keep her close to my side. “Dove, it’s going to be great. Don’ worry ah-bout it. Capisce?” I say while contorting my hand as if I’m pinching salt between my fingers.

  She giggles, and I bring her to the door and open it for her.

  “Ma, we’re here!”

  “In the kitchen!” she hollers from the back of the house.

  I know by all the cars in the driveway that everyone’s already here. I planned it that way to make it easy. The goal tonight is to get Honor to connect with my family and to let all of them know about our future plans.

  Taking Honor’s hand, I lead her back to the kitchen. The volume of chatter ceases to a complete dead silence as we enter. So many gazes land on us, it feels like the Spanish Inquisition.

  Ma comes over to Honor, wooden spatula in hand, apron on, and her arms open. “Honor, my sweet girl, come, come, give your mama a hug.”

  Honor preens under the praise, and it makes my heart happy for her. The debacle with her parents yesterday proved that she won’t be having her family around anytime soon, if at all. Still, all is not lost. My family will pick up the slack and then some.

  Gracie hugs Honor next and gushes about how pretty her dress is.

  I whistle when the chatter picks back up in the kitchen, making it impossible to hear one another. It’s not a small kitchen by any means, but with this many bodies in it, with Italian boisterous voices, it can be damn near deafening.

  “Hey, hey, everybody. I’ve got an announcement, and I don’t want to have to repeat myself ten times. So let’s all play nice and listen.”

  “Get on with it, Nicky. We’re starvin’ here!” Lo, my sister’s husband, calls out.

  I shoot him a dangerous glare. “Zip it. I want to start by introducing you to my girl, Honor Carmichael. Honor, over in the corner there is my sister Dawn and her husband, Lorenzo, but we all call him Lo. They are expecting their first baby, and we’re all fucking ecstatic!” I smile huge at my baby sis. She places both of her hands on her abdomen and grins. Lo covers her hands with his.

  “Good to meet you,” Dawn says.

  “Next in line, you’ve got Angela and her boyfriend, Javier, who has been draggin’ ass with making an honest woman out of my sister. He may need a talkin’ to,” I snarl at my sister’s man.

  He raises his hands in surrender. “Back off, amigo. I’ve suggested marriage many times, and this one seems to want to wait for some magical time off in the future. I’m just biding my time.”

  All eyes go to Angela. Her face flushes red. “I, uh… I’m young! Ma, I didn’t say not ever.”

  Our ma is shaking her head and flinging her saucy spatula around her head like a crazy woman. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and God above, please knock some sense into my child, for she knows not what she does.”

  “Sorry, man. Angela, you and me, talk. Later.”

  She groans. “Fine.”

  I shake my head of the craziness that is my family and move to the threesome sitting around the table where a blond-haired girl is coloring in a book. “Over there is my sister Cara and her live-in boyfriend, Scott, and his daughter, Kaylee.”

  “What! You’re living in sin with my daughter!” Mama screeches, about to burst another vein. She lifts her hands to her heart in prayer. “Blessed Mother, protect and lead my daughter to making good choices and her boyfriend to putting a ring on her finger.” She makes the sign of the cross and leans against my father. He wraps an arm around her shoulder.

  “It’s okay, tesora mia. We will have a talk with these ungrateful children and show them the way,” my father coos to my mother.

  I cough into my hand because if I didn’t, I’d crack up. Everything is going exactly as planned. Nailing everyone to the wall before I get to my news so it won’t seem so shocking. So far, it’s working perfectly.

  “Okay, now we get to the twins.”

  Honor interrupts me. “You’re twins?” She points to Grace and Faith.

  Faith laughs, and Gracie falls all over herself giggling. “No! They call us twins because we’re less than a year apart.”

  “Oh, Irish twins,” Honor adds helpfully, or rather unhelpfully, because Ma jumps on it in a second.

  “We are not Irish! A hundred percent Italian! Screw the Irish!” Ma raises and shakes her spatula like it was a golden, mighty fist, sauce dripping down the side of the spoon.

  I lift my hands. “Easy, Ma. It’s an expression.”

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Salerno,” Honor says quickly. She’s going to do so well in this family.

  “It’s okay, angel.” Ma tuts like she’s precious china. I agree with the precious part, though, so I don’t say anything.

  “All right, so now that we’ve introduced you to everyone, we have our own announcement.”

  Magically, everyone is silent, even though Angela and Cara are giving me death glares. A second from now, it won’t matter.

  I curl an arm around Honor and take a deep breath. “I’ve asked Honor to marry me, and she’s agreed. She’s moved into my apartment, and we’re expanding Sal’s Boxing Gym & Fitness and the apartment. Honor has bought the laundromat next door, and well…that’s it.” I get the words out in one rushed breath and look at my girl and not the shocked faces of my family.

  “I’ve never loved a woman or been happier in my entire life. I hope all of you will show her the same love and respect you’ve shown me and make her part of our family.”

  For an entire minute, not one person speaks. The only sound comes when Ma drops her death grip on the sauce spatula, and it falls to the floor, sauce splattering everywhere, and then spreads her arms out wide and screams.

  “Oh, my God! My dreams are coming true! My N
icholas is getting married!” And then the dramatics build as she drops to her knees, turns her face up to the ceiling, and prays. Out loud.

  “Thank you, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for this blessing you have brought upon our house. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I praise you! Amen! Amen! Amen!”

  Dad moves to help her get off the floor, but he doesn’t move fast enough. Ma springs up and into my arms, tackle-hugging me. “Nicky, you’ve made your mama so happy, baby. So happy. And she’s perfect!” Ma stretches out a hand and curls it around Honor’s chin. “May you give me many grandbabies!”

  Honor smiles and nods in her way.

  “You’ll start right away…yes?” She grabs Honor’s arm and pulls her into our hug huddle.

  “Marriage first, Ma,” I remind her.

  “Yes, yes, marriage first.” She pulls back, tears rushing down her cheeks, and she claps. “Salvatore! You bring out the good stuff. We are celebrating!”

  “Woman, you’re always celebrating!” he jabs back but heads toward the cellar door anyway.

  After Ma finally lets us go, each of my sisters gives us their blessing and congratulations. Even Angela and Cara, who I kind of threw under the bus, have nothing but love and excitement to offer us.

  Once my dad brings up several bottles of wine, opens and pours hefty full glasses, and passes one out to each of us, he clears his throat.

  Dad doesn’t give speeches often, preferring to speak to us one-on-one when he has something to say, but in this moment, we all pay attention. He lifts his glass, stretches out his arm, and makes a slow circle, pointing his goblet at each one of us, making eye contact in the process.

  “To my wife, my girls and their chosen mates, my son and his bride, all of you here today are now a part of the Salerno family. We fall in love hard…we give love deeply…and we give it for life.”

  Honor squeezes my hand. I bring hers up to my lips and kiss right over her new shiny diamond ring we picked up this morning.

  My father continues. “As you have chosen us, we have chosen you. We are family. Dio benedica la nostra famiglia. I love you all.” He raises his glass and then takes a sip of the lifeblood of our family. Our wine.

  “Dio benedica la nostra famiglia!” each of the Salerno members repeats and then takes a sip.

  “What does that mean?” Honor asks.

  “It translates to, God bless our family.”

  “God bless our family,” she repeats.

  “I love you, soon-to-be Mrs. Salerno,” I whisper.

  “I love you calling me Mrs. Salerno.” She smiles, and my world lights up.

  As I stand around my family, chatting up each person, sharing stories of how Honor and I met, how we’re updating the gym and the apartment, it becomes real.

  For eight years, I served in the army, trying to find my place, to protect and serve. Three years out, and I’ve built a business, found the woman I want to spend my life with, the person I now live to serve and protect. Everything I went through, the ups, downs, hardships, and losses, have all led me to now…to her.

  Epilogue

  HONOR

  One year later…

  The grass is cool and crisp under my feet when I kick off my shoes and settle down into it, sitting cross-legged.

  “I know it’s been a long time since I’ve visited. I’m sorry.” I pluck at a few grass blades and twist the strands between my fingers.

  “Sometimes it’s hard to come here. Before, it was one of the only places I could go to feel close to you. Now it seems unnecessary, because I can feel you everywhere. In a song, a meal, a book I’ve read, the pictures all around my house.” I toss aside the grass and fiddle with the lace at the hem of my dress instead.

  “I talk about you all the time. To Nick, his family, and my friends. I have a lot of friends now. Nick says it’s time we bring you into the light. You’re not a secret. I’m not ashamed of you, but for a long time I was…angry with you. So angry. I blamed you for leaving me behind. For not taking me with you. For not being strong enough to fight. That was wrong of me. I know better now.”

  The wind blows my curls into my face. I push a lock back behind my ear and focus on the engraved granite slab a few feet from where I sit.

  Hannon Timothy Carmichael

  Beloved son and brother

  10/3/1990 – 7/4/2014

  “I miss you every day, Hannon. Some days it’s hard to breathe, but when that happens, I have Nick to breathe life back into me. He reminds me of all the beauty I have to live for, and he’s taught me to fight for those things.”

  Tears fill my eyes and spill over my cheeks. “I’m better now. Happy. I’m married, we have a successful business, but more importantly, we have new life to celebrate.”

  I wrap my arms around my blossoming belly. “It’s twins.” The tears fall unchecked. I don’t even try to hold them back. “Boys. Two boys. And I wanted to tell you first before we told anyone else.”

  I clear my throat. “One will be named Nicholas Salvatore Salerno the Third.” I rub my hand over one side, finding what I’m pretty sure is a set of feet. Moving along my bump to the other side, I feel a curved lump that I know is my other son. “And his brother will be named Hannon Sean Salerno. After you and the man you loved most. I want our children to know who their uncle was. That he was a good, smart, kind man who sacrificed it all for love.”

  A sob slips from my lips, and I hunch over, but before the sorrow engulfs me, a long leg appears on each side of my body, and I am embraced by the most comforting arms.

  Nick presses his scruffy chin into my neck and inhales and exhales, over and over until I’ve paired my breathing with his and calmed down. He tips my head, wipes both of my eyes with his thumbs, and kisses me softly. “You okay?”

  I nod.

  “Dove…”

  “I’m okay. I miss him so much. I wish he could be here to meet you, to see how good my life has turned out…to meet our boys.” I suck in a shaky breath, and more tears fall. “It’s not fair.”

  “No, it isn’t, but every year will get just a bit easier. You’ll never stop missing him, and the hurt will never go away completely because his loss is a hole that can’t ever be filled.” Nick gently head-butts my forehead with his. “Eventually the wound won’t feel so deep.”

  I kiss him softly and twist back around to face my brother’s gravestone.

  “My sins are no longer silent, Hannon, and neither are those of our parents. Your goodness and beauty will be carried on through me and your namesake. Be still, brother… Find your peace.”

  I let Nick hold me for a few minutes until the boys start boxing one another inside my belly.

  “Whoa! I think it’s time to feed these little buggers.” Nick places his large hands over our children and kisses my temple. “Come on, Dove. Time to go celebrate Independence Day with the clan. Ma’s cooking up a feast, and you know how she fawns over you.”

  “She just loves me because I’m giving her grandchildren.”

  Nick swings our arms, leading me to the car. “There are worse things. Besides, wait until they find out we’re having not one boy but two. Ma may have a coronary.”

  I frown. “You think?”

  He opens the car door and helps me get inside and buckled up before racing around his Chevy and hopping in. “No! That woman is going to live to be a hundred.”

  I sigh. “I’m not sure it will really be that big of a deal.”

  “Babe, we’re giving my mother and father guaranteed continuation of the Salerno name. Dawn had a girl. We are so going to be the favorites right now. Let’s eat it up and take as much advantage as possible!” He laughs, puts the car in gear, and motors down the road.

  “This is true. You can’t really beat that logic.” I smile and lean my head back against the headrest.

  “Nope. And when she finds out we’re naming one of the twins after my father and me…” He grins huge. “We’re going to have a million get-out-of-jail-free cards. You�
��re going to be the most loved daughter ever! Including her own.”

  “Wow. This is good news,” I say rather uncertainly.

  He grabs my hand and laces our fingers tighter. “This is blockbuster news, babe. I’m so fucking happy. I can’t wait to be a father.”

  “You’re going to be an amazing dad, Nick.” I stare at his handsome profile, thinking back over the last year.

  Only a few months after we announced our engagement did we turn around and have our wedding. There was no reason to wait, and money wasn’t a problem. We married right on the family property near the vineyards. After the wedding, Nick announced he wanted me to get off birth control pills. We discussed it, agreed that we wanted a big family and, again, didn’t want to wait. We were pregnant less than two months after we said I do.

  “You think?” Nick grins and glances over at me and then quickly puts his attention back on the road.

  “I know.” I rub my hand over my belly once more. “It’s like your dad said: You fall in love hard…you give love deeply…and you give it for life. Our boys will only know love like that.”

  Nick lifts my hand and kisses my fingers and then places our hands on top of my belly. “I know you’re going to be a spectacular mom.”

  His words choke me up and start the water works once again. Damn hormones. “Why?”

  “Baby, your love is endless. For me, my family, our friends. If you give half of that to our children, they’ll be the luckiest kids in the universe. And I know you’re going to do right by them because you already love them.”

  I wipe away the tears with my free hand. “I do. I love them so much.”

  “Love is all anyone could ever need…and hot sex. And pasta. Let’s not forget the pasta.”

  My mouth waters at the thought of Ma’s spaghetti and meatballs. “Ooooh, pasta.”

  Then the reminder of Nick taking me from behind while I was up on all fours in our bed this morning. “Ooooh, hot sex.”

  Nick burst out laughing.

  “Oh, my God! I just thought of the best idea.” It’s like a light bulb flickered on right above my head.