Promise Me

by Kristin Mayer

  Is this about the incident with Dustin?

  “Okay. Don’t stress. We’re about to get to the fun part of the night. You can leave all this behind and focus on us.”

  He only nodded as I got in the car.

  Strange.

  This was the one part of Mark’s personality that drove me crazy. When he had something on his mind, he wouldn’t talk until he was ready. Everyone deserved to have their time to process, but since the Adam text, I’d found myself more on edge, but I had no idea what this could possibly be about.

  I’m probably overreacting.

  The drive to my condo was quiet as Mark was lost in thought. I turned the radio on low, preferring that over the silence, and closed my eyes as I listened to the music without listening to the lyrics. I thought about Edna, looking forward to when we would get back to North Carolina. Lots and lots of baking time were definitely in my future before I officially started my job. With Mark’s parents in town, I hadn’t gotten to see her as much as I normally had. I was ready to share the fact that Mark and I had moved in with each other, my parents’ reaction, and my thoughts on marriage. Poor Edna was going to need extra flour for the baking frenzy we would have.

  Mark pulled into the garage, and we both got out of the car. The closing doors echoed in the space. With how his mood was, it would appear the fun was over for the evening. As we were climbing the stairs, the silence was about to kill me.

  “What is your deal? We were supposed to come back here and have hot monkey sex in the new outfit I got, but you’re acting as if someone stole your puppy.”

  “We need to talk.”

  Oh shit. Those were the dreaded four words that no one ever wanted to hear. Even being a relationship newbie, I knew this was bad. I was on edge, and I felt myself having all kinds of horrible thoughts about what it could be. Is he breaking up with me? Has he found someone else? Did he realize how screwed-up I actually am?

  I followed him into the bedroom silently and sat down on my bed. I kicked off my shoes but stayed in my dress. We needed to stay rational. My mind raced, trying to think of what had happened. Nothing clicked. Mark disappeared into the closet and was gone for a few moments before he reemerged in a T-shirt and worn jeans. He was carrying the box from the top of my closet.

  Oh fuck. I had forgotten to throw that out today while he was gone. Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Calmly, I asked, “Are you going somewhere?”

  He sat the box on the bed and then went to the corner of the room where I had thrown the red wig. All my senses went on high alert, causing me to stand.

  Through gritted teeth, he ignored my question and asked his own, “What was this used for?”

  He knows. I didn’t know how he knew, but he knew. I was an anonymous member. How did he find out about it?

  I answered him, hoping that my answer sufficed, “A costume. Why are you asking?”

  “Damn it, Sam. Just give it to me straight. Stop fucking around and tell me.” He was standing a few feet from me as he held out the wig. He was clearly agitated.

  Why didn’t I get rid of this stuff? Shit.

  This was the part that I had never wanted to reveal about myself. It was the part I wanted to always hide in a deep, dark place.

  Looking him straight in the eyes, I said, “You obviously know.”

  “I want to hear it from you.”

  If I didn’t tell him, our relationship would be forever damaged, and I would lose him. If I did tell him, hopefully, it wouldn’t end the relationship, and we would be able to weather through it even if it set us back some. At least, he would still be mine. Regardless, he had asked, and I would never lie to him.

  Clearing my throat, I clearly answered him, “When I was a member of a sex club, I wore that wig to hide my identity.” My stomach turned as I said the words. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down and stay mentally focused on the conversation.

  This was about to either break or make us, depending on if we could handle what I had done in my past.

  “And this?”

  He pulled out my short black leather outfit with the kitty-cat mask.

  I wanted to puke at how the sight of those things made me feel. “It went with the wig. How did you find out?”

  He still didn’t answer my question as he started zinging question after question at me. “Were you hiding this from me on purpose? Is this what Adam meant by calling you Kitty Cat? Is he a club member?” His voice was rising.

  That caused me to raise mine, too, as I said, “No, I wasn’t hiding this from you on purpose. We both said we didn’t need to outline our pasts. Why share if it didn’t matter anymore?”

  He pressed on. “Is Adam a club member? Is this why he calls you Kitty Cat?”

  The emotional distance I felt from Mark hurt. Regardless of what I had done in the past, he had always been there for me, ensuring me of his love. Right now, with how this conversation was going, it felt as if a fissure was opening in my heart.

  “Yes. How did you find out?”

  He pulled out his phone and loaded a picture. It was a picture of Dustin’s cell phone, and on Dustin’s cell phone was a picture of me walking down a hall in my red wig, mask, black leather outfit, and whip in hand.

  “Some fuckwad went to that club and took your picture. He’s fucking selling this picture to horny-ass bastards along with others he’s taken. Dustin was asking me if I wanted the site. He didn’t recognize you in your costume. Fuck, I wouldn’t have recognized you if I hadn’t tried to make love to you with the damn thing. Dustin gets a cut of the profits somehow and that’s why he was pushing me so hard tonight to take a look at his phone.”

  I grabbed Mark’s phone and looked at it closely. More to myself than anything, I said, “Only Adam and his partner know my real name. Exclusivity is key and a rule he lives by. No one is allowed to have phones in there for that exact reason.” I looked up, panicked, thinking Mark was upset that I had potentially slept with that guy at the party. “I’ve never slept with Dustin.”

  He took his phone back. “Was Adam the one you went there to fuck?”

  His question cut right to the bone. I felt like a whore, having to even answer his questions, admitting to what I had done.

  “Yes, from the beginning, I only fucked Adam. We were both clear that we wanted no attachments!” My hurt was coming through now as I started to yell my answers, trying to protect my heart as it began to crack.

  “What did you do there?” The pain was evident in Mark’s voice and eyes.

  These questions only added salt to both our wounds. Needing to be closer to him, I took a step forward, and he took a step back, causing me to stop.

  I tried to bring reasoning into the situation. Anything is worth a shot. “Mark, I don’t see how this helps. Do you want to detail every part of your sexual history?”

  “If you’re going to get pictures shoved in your face, then yes, I would tell you everything you needed to know. I would never want you to see texts or pictures like this.” His fists were clenched, and then he tossed the wig on the bed.

  Upset and humiliated, I screamed back, “It was supposed to be exclusive! How the hell would I have known you were going to see a picture of me?”

  “Where’s the club?”

  The chilling tone to his voice had me lowering mine as I responded, “Why are you getting so upset with me? This was part of my past. You knew before you started declaring your undying love for me that I was fucked-up, and now, you’re turning it on me. How can you do this to me?”

  “Where’s the club, Sam?” He stood there, resolute, not budging.

  The loving Mark I knew had vacated, and it was ripping me apart. I closed my eyes, wishing we could rewind this whole conversation that had spun out of control. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I’ll call Dustin and get the site to figure it out if you won’t tell me where it is.”

  Part of me wanted to beg him to let this go and to make love to me. Instead, I started prep
aring my heart for what I knew was coming. Resigned, I answered, “It’s on Briar Cliff Road. It’s called Club Envy.”

  With that, he turned and strode out.

  The breath left my body, and my heart broke all at the same time. My past had come back to haunt me. Something that I’d thought was helping me cope with emotions I didn’t know how to deal with had cost me the one thing that I now really wanted in life—love.

  I sat on my bed, numb and fuzzy. What just happened?

  The hurt in Mark’s eyes had been evident. But the fury—I didn’t understand that piece of it. The one thing that I did know was that he was going to the club. My body automatically stood, and I walked to my car barefoot and still in my dress. I needed to see Mark when he left from talking with Adam. That would tell me where Mark stood on everything, and it would at least mentally prepare me for what lay ahead when it came to us.

  Zipping through town on autopilot, I parked across the parking lot where I normally had parked when I used to come here. I looked at the old brick building. From the outside, it looked almost abandoned. The bouncers at the front only allowed approved people through the doors, regardless of the time. The front was a club and generally always packed.

  If someone wanted to be a part of the sex club half, Adam would put the person through a fairly intensive screening. Each time a member entered, he or she would sign a waiver and acknowledge the rules. The owners, Adam and Brandt, were the only ones who knew the identities of the disguised members who came into the club. After initially meeting Adam and deciding we would be each other’s fuck buddies, he had even let me use the employee entrance when I would come. It had been rare that anyone even knew I was there.

  Looking back, I realized how dysfunctional my behavior had been, but it had helped me cope. Adam and I had worked well because all he cared about was pleasure, and he let me take control. I controlled the pace and how the sex had happened. Adam had always treated me with respect. Until Mark, I had felt the need to go to the club. I would count down the minutes until I could go again. But the moment I had gone to North Carolina and slept with Mark again, the desire for this place had vanished. My need for control was still there, but it was more balanced with Mark and I both having equal parts in our relationship.

  The picture Mark had shown me was from Halloween a year ago.

  The bouncers let me in the side entrance Adam always let me use. I always wore my wig and mask into the club to ensure no one knew who I was. Dressing in his office, I put on my super short black leather outfit and grabbed the whip from my bag. It was Halloween. Adam always called me Kitty Cat, and he thought it would be funny if I had a whip like Catwoman.

  Checking Adam’s schedule, I knew he would be down the hall, preparing a room for the next group. Leaving the office, I went down the hall and walked through the doors where Adam was standing, giving directions from a clipboard on how to arrange the room. People would come here to fulfill their fantasies with willing participants. They would pay a club fee to be a member, and then as long as they followed the rules, they could fuck whoever they wanted as long as they weren’t attached to someone.

  Cracking my whip in the room, Adam and the rest of the group turned my way. His tank top showed all his muscles, and he had a body that was fun to use to get me off. Everyone’s mouths were hanging open, and I went in for the kill.

  “Meow. Kitty wants to play.”

  Adam handed off his clipboard. “Finish this. I’ll be in my office. Don’t disturb us.”

  He gave me a wink, and I followed him out of the room.

  “I would have reserved us a room if I had known you were coming.”

  “Kitty had an itch.”

  We reached the door, and after we walked through, he turned.

  “Oh, I can definitely scratch it for you. Kitty Cat, how rough do you want it tonight?”

  My whip cracked through the air. “I want to be sore tomorrow from how hard you fucked me.”

  He prowled toward me. “So, which one of us is going to be in control tonight, Kitty Cat?”

  “Me.”

  It was always me. I never released control to anyone when it came to sex.

  As I relived the memory, I had no recollection of even seeing a cell phone there that night. Looking at the club again, thinking of what I had done, caused my stomach to turn. The things Mark was about to see would probably forever taint his vision of me in his mind. If I had only known where life was going to lead me, I would have held out and made it until Mark entered my life.

  Mark came marching out of the club by himself. It had me sitting straight as a board in my seat, holding my breath, as I watched him. His hands were clenched at his side tightly. He looked straight toward his truck. When he got to it, he threw the door open, got inside, and then slammed it shut with so much force that the truck rocked. Since he was in a rental truck, the windows weren’t tinted like his personal one, and I could see him from here. He started beating the steering wheel with the palms of his hands. His mouth was moving in what I assumed was a string of profanities that would probably make my ears cringe.

  He threw the truck into drive and squealed out of the parking lot. He barely stopped at the entrance before pulling out onto the street in the opposite direction of our condo, his truck fishtailing from the speed.

  My heart felt like it was a lead weight, cold and abandoned, as I watched the taillights. It wasn’t his fault. I always knew my past might cost me one day. Damn it though, I was mad, too, because he had promised me that it would always be okay and that he loved me.

  My phone beeped, and I looked down.

  Adam: Come on in, Kitty Cat. I always have what you need. I’ll make you feel better if you want to play.

  My head snapped up, and I saw Adam standing at the entrance with his hand extended. It was déjà vu. The same thing had happened the night before I left for North Carolina when I was battling myself on whether or not to go in. The moment he had come out and texted me the same thing, it had weakened my resolve, knowing what would be provided behind those doors. Adam was a bigger guy, all muscled and covered in tats. He had a bad-boy persona through and through, but he had always treated me well and never forced anything on me. He was the kind of guy that girls wanted to tame and claim as theirs. I had never had that desire, which was probably why we’d worked so well. He took a step toward me in his ripped blue jeans and white muscle shirt.

  I sat there as we stared at each other. The urge never came though. Anything that had linked me to this place was gone. I pulled out my phone and typed a response.

  Me: I love Mark. Bye, Adam.

  He checked his phone. I put the car in drive and drove off without looking back. I picked up my phone when it beeped.

  Adam: Bye, Kitty Cat. You deserve the very best.

  Me: You, too. One day, I hope you find what I’ve found—happiness.

  He wasn’t going to respond. He would never contact me again. The past was officially in the past. While one weight was completely gone, another pressed on my chest, smothering me, as tears started to build. It was just a matter of time until I lost the self-control I was barely hanging on to. I sucked in a big breath, taming my emotions for a little longer. Mark hadn’t tried to reach out to me, and if he had gone back to my place, he would have made it there long ago to find me gone.

  I needed to decompress and process. My heart was shattered, and the last thing I wanted was to start another unhealthy habit like I had all those years ago. I had to disappear while I tried to sort out my world, and there was only one person who would keep my location a complete secret—Martin. Allison would try to fix the unfixable problem and try to get Mark to come talk to me. At this point, trying to explain the situation, which included the club, was too much. Martin had had to disappear when he was framed for Damien’s sister, Rebecca’s, death. I wasn’t being framed for murder, but I wanted to hide, and he was the master at hiding.

  Picking up my phone and dialing, I called Martin and hoped he’
d be able to help me on such short notice.

  “Hey, Sam. What’s going on?”

  “I need a place to stay for a couple of nights. I need to disappear. I’ll pay you for it once I get there, but I need to go someplace where no one can find me.” My voice broke a few times. Until I got to my destination, I refused to allow myself to have the breakdown that was coming.

  Martin picked up on my tone, and the sound of a chair moving came through the phone. “Sam, what the fuck is going on? What happened?” he asked, worried.

  “Please, no questions. I’ll let Allison know I’m okay, but I need someone who won’t tell anyone where I am. Please.”

  Martin was used to seeing strong and independent Sam, not begging Sam.

  “Did Mark do something to you? I’ll beat his ass if he hurt you.”

  I wished Martin could beat what Mark had learned out of him and make him forget forever.

  “It’s my fault. Please, will you help me?”

  My pleading voice had him jumping to my rescue, immediately helping me. “I have a small hotel near Macon. That should get you far enough out of Atlanta that no one will look there. Do you have any clothes or toiletries?”

  I wanted to cry at his kindness, but I didn’t want to explain what was going on. “No. I’m still in my dress from this evening. I don’t even have my shoes on.”

  Just thinking about Mark looking at me with want when he had first seen me in this dress tonight further stomped on what little remnants of my heart were still together.

  “Fuck, Sam. Are you okay?”

  “Martin, please. I can’t talk about it. I’m barely hanging on.”

  I heard some shuffling on the other end of the phone.

  He said, “I’ll have some clothes delivered by the time you get there. I’ll put you under Elizabeth Jones. I’m sure you’re about to turn off your phone, but you better pick up when I call you at the hotel in a few hours. If not, I’ll be forced to come find you myself and make you tell me what the hell is going on.”